Happy belated new years to my ONE reader :)
Historically, I've disliked the month of October, but for the past 2 years January has not been my friend. Last year, I had an episode where I was hit unexpectedly by a wave of grief during the last half of the second week of January. I remember the timing because it was soon after the new year and right around the time of the boys' dad's birthday. The wave of grief was unexpected and very acute; it left me huddled in a sobbing heap by the side of the bed. I was trying to hide from the boys so as not to scare them and the only place seemed to be between the side of my bed and bedroom window. I remember crying into a towel and when the sobs became harder, I stuffed the towel into my mouth to muffle the sound. Yep - it was THAT bad.
This year, my wave of sadness did not relate to grief, but to a bad performance evaluation. What you need to know about me is that I never have gotten anything less than an A. And, the previous 4 years at the company I work for, I have gotten outstanding ratings on my annual reviews. This year was not the case. The cracks started to show this year. I wasn't happy at my job and it seemed to get harder and harder to do. I had objectives to meet which included scheduling meetings with people to go through issues. I scheduled the meetings, but either (1) nobody showed up; (2) I was told that they were not a priority for the people I invited; or (3) I did not get a response to the meeting invite. It was maddening.
I would give them a road map because they asked for it and then when I mentioned that we needed to meet periodically to review it, I was told that (1) it was not a priority for them or (2) I would not get a response to the meeting invites I sent out. Yes, I could have escalated to their VP and made them attend. Yes, I could have escalated to my AVP. But, I didn't - not because I didn't want to be a tattletale but because I really thought I could fix it. Turns out that I couldn't. And, for the first time I gave up. Yep - I gave up right around July. After 2 years, I just got tired of trying to get the horse to water and make it drink.
In the end, I did not get fired. Not yet anyways. But, I have some options to weigh and to decide. I think I've made up my mind on what I'm going to do and it isn't the IDEAL choice for me, but it is the right one for me and my boys at this time. Throughout this 19 1/2 month divorces process - YES I SAID 19.5 MONTHS BECAUSE IT'S NOT OVER - I have learned a great deal about myself, my boys, and other people. Once I thought all people are good at heart, but now I know that's not the case. People will do and say things that will show how not good they are. I believe that something along the way happened to these people and wounded their souls in some way and they became not-so-good at heart. I hate that this is the case.
I also hate that I have become less optimistic and more jaded. Maybe I need to look at it as I have become more realistic, but - really - who wants to grow up. I never did.