"My friend's divorce and the issues surrounding it sound like the things that David and I had issues with a few years ago. I'm glad that we were able to work things out and that things are better than ever for us. I know that there will always be bumps in the road, but I am more confident than ever that we can work through those issues. But, I am very sorry for my friend and his wife. I don't think that people can go through something like this and not lose a piece of themselves. Both my friend and his wife are very good people and they both deserve the best. I hope that whatever they decide that they are happy."
This is what I wrote on September 10, 2003.
The good thing about cleaning up files and reading old posts is that you get to see how far you've come. The BAD thing about cleaning up files and reading old posts is that you see who you used to be. I'm not sure if the person I was in September 2003 was the 'real' me or if the person I am today is the 'real' me. I suppose in the end that it doesn't really matter because I don't think I can go back and become that girl ever again. The wide-eyed, kooky person I used to be 10 years ago is no longer there. Actually, I suppose she is still there but there are 10 years, 2 kids, and a pending divorce between her and the person that I am today.
In many ways I'm glad that I can look back and see that there was some happiness in my marriage and that it wasn't ALL bad. I guess I was just surprised to feel a little sad reading that entry. The person who wrote it had not lived through some awful things and some hurtful times. The person who wrote it had only gone through 2 marriage counselors and had not gone through another 2 more. The person who wrote that entry did not yet see the ambivalence in her husband's eyes when she came home completely stressed out and unhappy and felt ignored.
I can look back on what has passed in the 10 years since I wrote that entry and say that I tried everything I could think of to save my marriage but I couldn't save it. I want so much for my sons to have a "whole" family, but won't sacrifice some of the core values that I have and want to pass on to them in order for them to have a "whole" family. I want them to learn how to take responsibilty for their actions and learn that hard work is important. I want them to know that sometimes you will work very hard for something, but in the end sometimes the goal won't be obtained. I want my sons to learn self respect and self love. And, I want them to go into the world as men who will know what it's like to love and to be loved.
I suppose that I could have taught them that as part of a "whole" family with a husband living at home, but my sons would not know what it would be like to show respect and love for their spouse. Respect was something that was sorely lacking in my marriage and respect is something that is needed for a marriage to survive and thrive. I wish I could have learned to respect my husband and I wish that he respected me.
I would love to be that wide-eyed girl again but I am just fine being the woman that I am today. One that knows that I did the right thing for all of us when I filed for divorce 18 months ago today. I wish it could be different, but it cannot.