and then just got worse. In no particular order: I lost a friend, argued with someone who I desperately want out if my life, felt so unbearably lonely, sat in crazy traffic, had to clean pet bedding that had been peed on, and made myself feel like a total loser. It was a truly awful day.
My natural tendency is took look on the bright side but I really just don't want to.
Why is everyone driving like assholes today? I drove into work because I have errands to run and it took me an hour and a half to get to work. Normally during this time it takes me about 45 minutes at the worst! What the heck is with everyone today?!?!
I've written in a journal since I was a child. I've written with regularity since I was 9 years old. It has been a terrific outlet for me and in the late 1990s I started an online journal. And here it is about 15 years later and I'm still writing online.
But the frustrating thing is I feel as though I can't be honest in my online blog anymore. There are so many things that I cannot say but want to, so I censor myself. So very frustrating!!!!
I rushed for the train this morning and made it by scarcely a minute. Since I was was towards the front and my exit from the station was closer to the back of the train, I walked through the cars.
As I was passing through I could hear various conversations. I wasn't eavesdropping, but people's voices carry. I finally got to the car of my choice and sat down only to hear one woman's had a screeching voice.
The woman was talking about how one of their fellow passengers, who shares seats with all of them, filed for divorce and eloped with her lover (now husband). One of the comments that brought strong (and verbal) agreement was, "she did all that and didn't tell us and we're her train friends!"
Seriously?!?! You're the 'train friends' and should know all that information? I don't get it - you probably spend (based on their tickets) all of 90 minutes with this person each day. I've spent more time with my neighbor and I assure you that she wouldn't know that kind of detail about me.
I am sure there is a reason why their train friend didn't say anything to them. Sometimes there are very good reasons why a private life should remain private. One of them is because - duh - a private life is just that. It's private!
I've mentioned how this past year has been rough but I haven't gone into details as to why. I think any time anyone has to make a decision that could impact an entire family, it has to be done with much thought and care. I put YEARS into making my decision to file for divorce and there have been moments of doubt and guilt. But, there have been moments of happiness and knowing that I did the right thing.
It's not final yet and nobody has signed anything. But in my mind and heart it's final and has been for a long time. I have learned a lot this past 12 months - that's about how long ago I filed - but I have not yet learned NOT to give my heart to someone who doesn't deserve it. It's not that I think so little of myself but that I can't seem to help who I have strong feelings for.
Now that I as close to single as I've been since my 20s and I have 2 boys to think about, I have to be more thoughtful about handing my heart to just anyone. I just wish I could learn that or at least how not to feel like my heart is broken into a million little pieces.
The weather in the Chicagoland area has been abysmal the past couple of weeks. I think we're in our second week of this rainy, gloomy weather. Today, my sons' school called and canceled classes just as we were pulling out of the driveway to leave for school. I figured since we were in the car, I would drive to my office and pick up my laptop so I could work from home. Before I even got to the next street, I heard on the radio that the Edens and the Kennedy were closed due to flooding which means that any hope of getting my lap top were dashed.
I turned around to go back to the house with my sons and tried to log on to my company's VPN only to find that our Internet wasn't working. When I ran to the basement to get to the router, I noticed a pool of water collecting in the middle of the basement floor. SEEPAGE!!!! I threw a towel over it and took a look at the router. The way that it was set up was a total clusterf---k because there were extension chords everywhere. I cleaned up the spaghetti bowl and reset the router and then started to clean up the seepage.
The past few days have been spent dealing with a sewer line that was clogged by tree roots, paying for my attorney, and balancing work, home, and any semblance of a personal life. It's not unlike any regular week - except for the sewer line and seepage issues - but throw in almost 2 weeks of gloomy days and it's a little much. By the time I got everything working properly and the boy were in their room playing, I sat on the living room ottoman and lost it. It was an ugly silent cry and thankfully, short lived. Pitty parties aren't much fun or productive but they happen. Five minutes later, I blew my nose and wiped my tears away. Ever since then I've been on converence calls. * Sigh *
Today I had to give someone some bad news. I'm usually pretty good at it if it has to do with work. But if I'm delivering news that will disappoint someone, I hate doing that. I'll be honest in saying that sometimes I put it off because I'm sparing my own feelings. I never want to intentionally hurt someone.
Sometimes the kindest thing is to tell the truth because lying to that person and stringing them along can be more cruel than delivering news the news that they don't want to hear. All I can say is Ouch. Ouch all around.