Chicago Chick

Retro 2007

Every so often I get very bored with the way that my site looks.  I wish I had enough time and talent to change the layout and make it look more updated.  But, the site is mostly for my benefit - I don't have a lot of people who actually read my site.  Looking through some of the incarnations of my site, I found a header from 2007 and modified it.  It's retro!  Actually, it was funny that the tag line read "looking for piece of mind with 2 toddlers in tow" because those 2 toddlers are now school aged children.  Funny how quickly time flies.

Tax Time

I think I have this uncanny 6th sense that tells me to do my taxes each year.  One weekend a year, usually in January, I wake up and have this urge to do my taxes.  And, it's ALWAYS on a Saturday. I'm not exactly sure why; maybe it's because I never do anything "accounting like" and with the exception of taxes have not booked a journal entry or really done any kind of true financial analysis in the past 10 years.  Sure, there were the times when I compiled and reviewed project forecasts when I was doing IT Finance work, but it was not anything like what I used to do as a Finance Manager.

It's actually kind of nice not to have to do that stuff for a paycheck anymore.  I enjoyed my years in audit, but hated doing any kind of journal entries.  Luckily, I only had one real accounting position where I had to book entries and it was for less than a year. 

So, here I am holed up in my office and was just about to put in some deductions - the last step before I finished - and I lost our internet connection.  It's frustrating that this happens and lately it seems to be happening more and more.  Up until the internet connection was lost, this year it was an easy task.  I was stupid to think that I could get away with putting our taxes together without a hiccup.  I suppose now the only thing left for me to do is to brace myself for any kind of shock that may come up when the final tally of what we could owe comes up.  I hate that moment.

Forty-Something

I recently posted a naked picture of myself on Facebook.  Before you get all excited, it was naked in terms of not having any make up on.  Seriously, it was a picture with no make up, no Photoshop, no concealer, nada, zip, zilch.  It was taken on a Droid, right after I got out of the shower and dried my hair. 

So, what possessed me to post something like that on Facebook - I am after all, not what I would consider someone with movie star looks.  I'm officially into my 40s after recently having a birthday a couple of weeks ago and I realized that I actually feel comfortable in my own skin. It's not a "I gave up because I'm older" kind of feeling, but a "I really do like myself" kind of feeling.

In my 30s I started feeling comfortable in my own skin, but then something happened.  I had 2 children back to back 7 years ago and suddenly I had forgotten who I was.  My body wasn't like it used to be and I was mired in the guilt of the should/shouldn't bes (e.g., because I was a mother I should be driving a mini van, because I was a mother I shouldn't be walking around in 4 inch stilettos).  The worst part was that I wasn't able to enjoy my sons because I was so concerned about what I should or should not be doing.

The great thing about time is that you realize that it does not matter what everyone else thinks.  As time passed, I became more comfortable (and less guilty) about who I truly am - a mom who does NOT EVER want to drive a minivan and is happy to run (literally run) around in pointy-toed, high heeled shoes.  Someone who is still me - the me BEFORE the kids and BEFORE 40 hit.  It doesn't make me a bad mother, person, wife, sister, daughter, fill-in-the blank.  It just makes me more apt to twist an ankle or have trouble loading groceries into my small car.

So the naked picture?  It wasn't the best picture of me (I looked dazed and spacey), but it was honest and it WAS freeing.  The best comment was one sent via email from my brother who said I looked good and that posting picture took guts.  He said, "most women would never dare post a picture of themselves" like that.  I like that I felt comfortable with myself to post such a picture and I love that it was a bit fearless.  For a girl who used to be so insecure, it feels like a great big exhale.  Not so bad for a 41st birthday present.

ReDo

This post is just for me to remind myself that this evening I did something I've wanted to do for a long time.  I went to visit Maria's friend, Hank.  I met Hank right before I had the boys.  Hank re-pierced my ears for me and the daring in me took over.  So a decade later, I decided I needed to see Hank again.  Thanks Hank! :)

I'm thinking I need to stop by and see him again in a month or so.

Reconnecting Via Facebook

We live in incredible times.  At a moment's notice, we can contact someone not just via phone but by text or Facebook or Twitter.  Instead of sending a letter via snail mail, I can type something quickly on  Yahoo and send it and get a quick response within hours.  And, even though we are miles apart or don't know each other that well, there is a strange sense of community.

Case in point, I am connected to many former high school classmates.  It's odd that this is the case because if you knew me, you would know that I hated high school.  I went to the same school through 7th grade and then my parents moved to the suburbs and I attended a new school where I knew NOBODY.  And, to top it off, I was a fish out of water - I didn't fit the WASPish cookie-cutter mold of my new classmates.  It was a very difficult adjustment although my parents and siblings would state otherwise.

I dated someone very dear in high school (just because I didn't fit it, does not mean that I didn't have boyfriends), but his sister and I never seemed to be that close.  We were very different and she was more of the social, popular type while I was quiet and bookish.  Fast forward 15 years and we connected on Classmates.com.  I was worrried that my son might be diagnosed as Autistic, and by searching on the Internet for answers, I came across a post that she wrote.  I immediately contacted her via Classmates and she responded back in hours.  Since then we have become Facebook friends. 

Today, she wrote about losing one of her friends to cancer and it was incredibly sad.  Sad not only because she lost a friend, but sad because it reminded me of the time years ago that she lost her (and my boyfriend at the time) dad to cancer.  I remember sitting at the foot of his bed - such a great an loving man - and saying good bye.  I remember the look of sadness on her face and could feel her heart break.  I can only imagine that this is how she felt once again as she sat by her friend's bedside as he passed away.

My Throbbing Head

We had today off from work, but like every 3 day weekend (or longer) that I've had so far this winter, I have come down with something.  I've had a really bad headache for the entire day.  Initially I thought it had to do with too much sugar, but normally that wears off in an hour or two.  I'm chalking it up to my body starting to relax.  It's similar to when you point your toe and then start to relax it.  Normally, that's when I get a cramp.  It's like the tension is starting to go and my body reacts funny to it.

I think that I'm learning to take my days off and use them to relax and my body, in turn, gets sick.  I guess it's not a surprise.  During my university days I would always get sick right after finals.  After graduation, I came home and slept for a week straight only bothering to get up to go to the bathroom and maybe eat.  Originally I thought it was mono, but I didn't have any of the symptoms other than I was just so tired.

Tomorrow I go back to work and have a mountain of work waiting for me.  Maybe I should be happy that is the case because maybe I'll start to feel better.  Sad, so very, very sad.

Questions One Should Never Ask or Answer

Today I told a co-worker that I was going to start a list of questions one should never ask or answer. At the top of the list are the following:

What is wrong with you? Are you crazy? What were you thinking?

I Made NO New Year's Resolutions

Normally I make New Year's resolutions.  Actually, it turns out to be a list of "to dos" for each month of the year.  This year, I decided not to make any.  Seriously - none.  And, I'm not exactly sure why.  Part to me feels as though 2011 isn't quite over yet.  Maybe it's because we didn't have any snow and I don't feel as though we had Christmas or New Years.  I'm not kidding.

I think the real reason I didn't make any New Year's resolutions is that I really wanted to think about what I want to accomplish this year.  I don't want a monthly "to do" list.  Instead, I'd like to set some real goals this year and then figure out how to get there.  Yeah I know it sounds like I'm constructing a project plan but I naturally gravitate to that way of thinking (it's served me well at work).  I haven't entirely decided what I really want to accomplish this year.  There's always the "I'd like to be happy or healthy or you-fill-in-the-blank" but I want more. 

I want to set goals (not too may) that are meaningful and impactful for me and my sons.  I want to go through this year with a purpose instead of merely marking time.  Maybe I think this way because I've got that 40th year under my belt and will be turing *gasp* 41 in a little over 48 hours.  In the meantime, I've started digging though the Mind Yourself Chicago site, which I found after trying to find the motivation to go back to yoga.  I found an article 8 weeks to happiness that seemed like a good way to kick off the new year.  I'm hoping that it will give me time to figure out what I want this year to be about.  Who knows, maybe my 2012 will start later.  For now, my head is still in 2011.

Searching For Peace

One of the most important lessons that I learned in 2011 is to take vacation during the Christmas-New Years holiday.  Practically everyone is out of the office and nobody really answers emails.  I didn't take the time off and I realize after this week, I am totally burned out.  I could feel it coming on the Friday before the New Year's holiday and ended up with an awful head cold. 

Add to that the stress of having to put together a not so stellar review for one of the guys I manage and then having to give that review and you've got the recipe for a trying week.  I've gotten used to giving feedback that isn't always received well and the past two years I've made the decision to let someone go.  First in 2010 and then again in 2011  and then this year I had to put someone - someone who is/was a friend - on probation.  It's been tough for me at work and I am finding that it is difficult to have friends at work.

All of this has been a long time coming and I realize that I really DO need to take better care of myself.  I don't eat right and I don't get enough sleep.  Lately, I've started taking a very small dose (3 mg) of melatonin.  It's helped me get some sleep and it doesn't make me feel groggy when I get up in the morning.  As a result, the dark circles that have been forming under my eyes are gone and I'm way more patient.  I've also started back up with the yoga classes and have gone to  few meditation classes.  I really do need to find peace somewhere in my life.

Back to Work - With a Smile?

Is it bad that I'm looking forward to going back to work tomorrow?  It's not like I'm running away from home - permanently.  Going back to work means not spending time with my boys, which I will miss.  I will miss my oldest making reference to "eating his peas" when I ask him to do something very necessary but something that he doesn't necessarily want to do.  Things like brushing his teeth or picking up after himself.  It's actually really cute.

And, I will miss my youngest and his constant chatter.  I'm serious - it's actually pretty funny.  He talks NON-STOP and yesterday I told him in the car that he was not allowed to say anything for 5 minutes unless it was a dire emergency.  A few minutes later when I asked him a question, he wouldn't answer.  I repeated my question twice and then asked him what was the matter.  He answered "you said I couldn't say anything unless it was an emergency and answering your question isn't an emergency, is it?" 

It's been a fun few days off, but it's very stressful being at home with the boys AND their father.  For example, son number 1 says something disgusting related to farts to son number 2 who laughs and says something equally disgusting but about bowel movements.  David gets wind (no pun intended) of it, and gets very annoyed which makes the boys repeat what they've said and laugh and laugh and laugh.  David gets upset and starts to get even more annoyed.  Pretty soon it's tense in our house and someone ultimately (one of the boys not any of the "grown ups") starts crying.  Let's just say that 3 days of this is more than enough for me.  My patience is even shorter since my pesky head cold has returned.

At work when this type of scenario happens, I can at least walk away.  Plus, there's that paycheck that goes with it.  Being a parent grosses no spendable income.