Chicago Chick

Who I USED to be

So recently I have become a Facebook junkie.  I'm not exactly sure why because I have had an account for YEARS but never - until recently - really paid much attention to it.  The thing about Facebook is that it's a wonderful tool for reconnecting with people.  There are people I have not talked to in years and people who I haven't even thought about in close to a decade.  Suddenly, * poof* they're back in your life and you wonder why you ever lost touch with them in the first place.

A month or so ago, I was surprised to get a message from someone I briefly dated the summer after my sophomore year in college.  It was an awful summer where I came home from college and my high school sweetheart who was leaving for Europe for the summer decided to tell me that he didn't love me anymore.  What followed was a summer of drunken unhappiness.  And, in that summer I briefly dated - like for a nanosecond - the person who left me a message on Facebook.  I was happy to see that Mr. Nanosecond was happily married and had a very exciting career.  He seemed to be in a good place and that made me smile out loud.

Then there are the people that you remember in a certain way only to reconnect and find out that their life has dramatically changed.  The last time I saw or talked to D, a high school friend, was during her wedding to W.  D was a couple of years older than me and she was like the big sister I never had.  D and W were the perfect couple and they were married during my freshman year of college.  Yesterday I found out that they had gotten divorced over a decade ago because W was cheating on D for the later part of their marriage. Needless to say, I was shocked.

What also shocked me was the realization of who I used to be.  I know I am not the same person that I was when I was 18 drinking at D and W's wedding all those years ago.  But, in my head I didn't think I was that much different (maybe just older) and it turns out that I am miles away from who I was at 18.  The difference at that point in time seemed like several lifetimes.  In that instant of hearing the news, I had to readjust how I saw W and D and then I had to readjust my perception of my own life.  Twenty-one years has gone by since I was 18 (yikes!) and in that time I have changed dramatically.

I can't really explain the feeling other than the feeling you get when you look at your kids.  Although it seemed like yesterday that my 5 year old was an infant, I realize how much has changed in those 5 years.  The news of D and W's marriage was a shocker - I really thought that before I heard the news that the reason they weren't together was because W had passed away.  But what seemed even more shocking to me was the realization that SO much time has passed and in that time, D and W got divorced; D is now engaged to marry someone else; children and grandchildren have been born; and somehow I actually grew up.

Winter Doldrums

I am definitely in a funk and when I get like this I find myself searching for a project.  Maybe it's the gloomy winter weather we've been having in the Chicagoland area.  Whatever the reason, I'm looking for a project.  I'm thinking I'd like to make the master bedroom a place to chill out and escape the craziness of a 3 guy-1 gal household.  Our home has become a place where toys are strewn about and if you're not careful, you'll trip over something that has wheels (trains, cars, plasma car).

I'd like a place where I can sit and read or watch television or curl up in bed and think of *nothing*.  A place where soft music is playing and the world of David complaining about something and the boys fighting over nothing can just melt away.  The problem is not planning how to construct this getaway but actually executing it.  Executing it will mean arguing over paint color, the timing of when it will get done, and how long it will take to finish.  I'm thinking that maybe it makes sense to just send the boys on a mini vacation and taking vacation days to complete it.  It may mean hiring someone to come in and paint.  Hmmm. . . does not sound like a bad idea!

Morning Rituals

I remember being a kid - like 4 or 5 years old - and waking up on my birthday.  I would rush to the living room and on the piano would be a huge bucket of crayons and a birthday card from my parents.  It seemed like for years on end I could count on getting that huge bucket of crayons and every year I looked forward to that.  It was better than the excitement of Christmas and when I look back, it is one of my most favorite memories.  Just thinking about it now makes me giddy.

There are other wonderful memories I have like waking up each day and looking forward to school or the weekend day ahead.  For the longest time I would wake up each day and instantly have something to look forward to.  I think that it stopped happening regularly in my late 20s - first a day here and a day there and then finally it stopped all together almost 2 years ago.  The decline happened so gradually that at first I didn't notice it.  But one day I woke up and sat in bed for a moment thinking and I realized that it had stopped. 

For a while I just brushed it off because I thought maybe it was something that I had outgrown.  This morningg I realized that it's something that I miss so I sat in bed and thought of good things to look forward to like seeing co-workers that I enjoy seeing and talking to or having lunch with A, a former coworker, whose stories of the guys she's dating make me laugh.  So this evening as I'm looking back on my day, I'm realizing that it was a good day.  I don't know if it had anything to do with taking the time this morning to look for events, places, or people to look forward to, but there are worse ways of starting the day.

In a State of Despair

It sounds overly dramatic and it is - I'm not in a total state of despair.  I'm just stressing out about Monday and being gone from work the past 4 days (really 2 if you don't count the weekend).  There is much to do and I have a lot to catch up on. 

But, I am a little freaked out. Not just about work but about wanted to get back into the swing of working out and feeling better.  I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired and I'm not sure how to start.  There's the eating component and the exercise component.  And, when results aren't quick to come, I get annoyed. 

The entire thing just stresses me out.  I know that it's possible to get back to feeling good because I was able to lose 30 pounds, exercise, and eat right not that long ago.  I felt incredible.  It's just a matter of getting in the right state of mind!

Listening to My Inner Voice

January is pretty much over and already 2010 is shaping up to be an interesting - dare I say exciting - year.  With change there are possibilities and possibilities are always exciting.  In the past 30 days, I have terminated an employee (a week ago Thursday); let a consultant go for non-performance (yesterday); and called the dreaded Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that I thought nobody except the stressed out crazy at work called.  I've since changed my mind about EAP and now realize that at the time it was just what I needed.  I called because I needed something to help me out of the stressful period I'm in and because of that I decided to start seeing a therapist.

This isn't the first time I've sought professional help.  Sounds like I'm totally loony, eh?  "Seek professional help" - heh.  There was a time in my mid/late 20s where I felt completely lost.  I had graduated from college and accomplished what I felt I had been working for all of my school career (not counting post graduate stuff) and I had a good job - okay, a series of good jobs.  But, there were issues that I needed to deal with; the stuff that you ignore from your childhood.  Some people successfully deal with that stuff on their own and others, like me, need a little assistance.  So, I dealt with it and was fine.

But life has an annoying way of changing.  Life would be so easy, don't you all think, if it would just stay the same?  And, with those changes one has to adjust and with those adjustments come the growing pains.  I always thought that in my late 30s that I'd be over "growing pains" but I'm not.  Life's lessons are not so easily ignored because if you don't adjust to those changes and you keep doing the same thing, sooner or later you find that what you're doing doesn't fit anymore and you're FORCED to adjust.  So, here I am being forced to adjust and, once again, I need a little assistance.  Cue the therapist.

Today I had my second session with my therapist and I can see that she is actually helping me deal with the stressful period I am going through.  This time around, I'm not dealing with how I saw my childhood and how it affected me (the GOOD and not so good).  I'm dealing with the decisions I've made and an inner voice that I have chosen to ignore pretty much my whole life - even though I should have listened.  There have been many occasions when I've decided to ignore my inner voice only to find that I should have listened.  The time when my inner voice told me to go home instead of hanging out with a friend (got grounded for that one).  Or, the time when my inner voice told me not to hire a particular consultant (ended up firing that one last Spring).  I could go on.  And, the stressful period that I'm dealing with now has to do with me ignoring my inner voice - the one that is now saying "I TOLD YOU SO!!!!"

The reason for ignoring my inner voice, my gut reaction, my instinct is that I really WANTED for the decisions I made to be true.  I really wanted to believe that the person I hired last Spring as a consultant would do a great job, but they didn't.  I really wanted that decision that I made all those years ago, that is now causing me stress, to turn out ok when I knew that it wouldn't.  But, I know - I've always known - that just because I WANT something to be true does NOT mean that it will be.  I wish I could say that I've learned to listen to my inner voice, but as recently as last week I've silenced that inner voice when I know that I should listen.  I really just don't want the message that it is saying to me now to be true.

Even My Bones Ache

I think the craziness of the past month have finally caught up with me.  Between the insanity of end of year work, the holidays, and the personnel issues at work I think my body has turned against me. I am achy right down to the marrow of my bones.  Seriously - I called in sick today because the boys weren't feeling well, but before noon I started to feel sick myself.  I don't know when the last time was that I called in sick.

Lost

I don't think I've ever felt this lost...

Fired. . . So Fired

Yesterday a stressful situation that I have been dealing with since the end of May, 2009 was resolved.  The person who was once my friend and co-worker (another manager at the time) and ended up reporting to me in a reorganization and then demoted in August, was finally let go.  I was supposed to deliver that news, but because of the behavior of my co-workers a couple of days ago, she was told to report directly to Human Resources over the phone.  Not exactly the way that I would have liked it to have gone.  Not only is it cold and impersonal, but if you are going to let someone go you should at least be told to your face.  At least, that is the way I would like to be told - not saying that I'm planning on getting fired any time soon.  A small part of the stress that I've been carrying around is resolved and I actually feel better.

When the news traveled to co-workers and former co-workers who have worked with this person, the reactions were surprising.  Most people were not shocked and a few asked what took so long.  One person was ridiculously thrilled.  But, all the reactions were not what I expected.  I expected a little more empathy for the person who got let go but found that there was very little of that.  It does not make me feel better that this person is now in need of employment.  I wish that it could have gone differently.  And, I wonder if this were to happen to me if people's reactions would be just as cold.

Stuck

Clearly I am stuck.  I'm in a holding pattern repeating the same behaviors and the same thoughts over and over and over again.  And it is exhausting and non-productive. 

High Level of Suckitude

Yesterday I was told that I would have to deliver some bad news but events today prevented me from delivering it. In the end, the news was delivered. But what made today bad was not that the news was delivered but the behavior of those around me.

I don't think I have been around people whose actions are as childish as the people I've been around today. It's like watching vultures feed on a piece of raw meat where the person getting the bad news is the piece of meat. I get that some people like drama, but there should be a common level of decency extended to everyone. That was not the case today.

People were going out of their way to find out who bad news was going to be delivered to. I mean they actually STOPPED what they were doing to figure this out - like it was a game or something. All the while de-humanizing those who were getting the bad news. Seriously? Who does this stuff!?!? It really was some of the worst display of human behavior I've ever witnessed.