Chicago Chick

It's Official!

I've signed up for my first 5Ks for 2007.  I guess this means that I need to stop hitting snooze on my alarm and actually get up and run.  The dates may seem pretty far in the future, but it's amazing how quickly the weeks and months go by.

The 2006 season started off pretty well, but ended very badly.  I missed 3 runs that I signed up for - one because I was sick; and 2 others because I didn't train.  Well, at least the money I paid for the runs went to good causes.  In hindsight I really wish that I had not missed the 2 others.  I mean, I could have walked the 3.1 miles.

So, this year I signed up for runs further out.  The first 5K that I have is the Ravenswood Run which benefits the Ravenswood Food Pantry.

The run isn't until the end of April, but if I don't get going soon I will never be ready.  The second run that I signed up for is the Women's Run which benefits a women's lung organization.  The 2006 Women's Run is the first 5K that I ever ran.  It was hot and humid and nasty.  I had a terrible time, but it was the run that started all this 5K craziness.

So, it's official - I'm signed up for my first 5Ks for 2007.  I fully intend on running and training for these.  I have no excuses.

Time to Grow Up?

The past 12 months have been a crazy time.  Who am I kidding?  Since I found out that I was pregnant with Nicholas waaaaay back in 2004 it seems like someone has taken my life, turned it upside down, and shaken it vigorously.  Actually, it's been more like grasp, turn upside down, shake vigorously, repeat.

There have been some really rough times but overall, I think I've weathered the storms pretty well.  And it's not something I can take all the credit for.  I would never have been able to survive if not for my husband and my family.  My parents have been ridiculously supportive.

Yeah, I know that's what parents are for - to be ridiculously supportive.  But, I also realize that there are a lot of people out there who aren't as lucky as I am because they don't have parents or their parents aren't in a position to help them out.

This past weekend the boys and I spent the day at my parents' house.  I watched as my Ma cuddled Alexander and Nicholas and my aunts fawn over them.  When the day was over and we were packing up to go, I realized how much I really missed being comforted by my parents.  I missed sneaking into bed with them and having my Ma snuggle me.  Stuff like that always made me feel safe.  I gave my parents a huge hug before turning to leave and I think my Ma knew how I was feeling because she squeezed me extra hard.

I think that even though I am a parent and now I'm responsible for comforting my boys, I know that I will never outgrow the need to be comforted by my parents.  I don't think that there will ever be a time that I will grow up.  Well, actually I know that there is a time when that day will come - I just don't want to think about it.

Help! My Family is Making Me CRAZY!

I think that everyone knows how much I love my babies and my husband - even though I grouse about them.  Anyone who actually knows me knows that I would give my right arm and my huge Coach purse collection and all my shoes for my family.

But, today?  TODAY they are making me absolutely crazy.  I had a court appointment this morning to contest a parking ticket (I won by the way, but that's another story for another day) and I had planned to work from home the second part of the day.  But, David wanted to see his parents and I thought what the heck - I'll just take a personal day.

So, we trekked out to the 'burbs and spent the day with David's parents.  And, we had a good time.  Nicholas played out in the snow and David pulled him along in the sled.  Alexander cuddled with his grandparents and we had French Silk pie.  It was a lovely afternoon.

The ride home was different.  If one baby was crying, the other was sleeping.  When the other one stopped crying and sufficiently woke up the other one, he would fall asleep and the other one would start crying.  The ride home is when I usually get some sleep and being that neither of the boys took their nap this afternoon, I really REALLY needed that nap in the car.

When we got home, I realized that I had to update my consulting resume.  I need to update my personal resume as things don't seem to be going too well at my company.  But, what should have taken 20 minutes at the most took 45 minutes with crying interruptions in between.  Then, on top of it Nicholas decided that it would be a great idea if he tried to get in the bathtub fully clothed while Alex and David were in the tub.

I really AM grateful that I have my babies and my David but there are days when I miss the martini drinking days.  I miss the days when I could sleep past 4:30 am because I could go to the gym at 5:30 am and/or 7:00 pm instead of trying to get some running in before the day even begins.  But then again, I've been hitting that snooze button when the alarm goes off.  I think what I really miss the most is my body - the one that I hated so much.  Funny how things change.  I'm sure years from now I will remember these years fondly.

My Weight In Potato Chips

I have been unable to stop eating.  It's almost like I just cannot stop being hungry.  I eat and eat but I never seem to get full.  Yes, I know it's probably because I'm eating things that aren't really filling and are not even close to healthy.  I've eaten 2 bowls of Cocoa Pebbles; half of a LARGE bag of potato chips; a quarter of a container of onion dip; a couple of bananas; an English muffin; 2 candy bars; a quarter pounder; and a small order of french fries.

Even if I didn't eat that all in one sitting - it was over a period of 18 hours - it still is a lot more than I would eat on any regular day.  Part of me is stressed because of the job thing and part of it is hormonal, but ALL of it is going to add pounds to my body.  But, for whatever reason, I just cannot seem to get the sense of being full.

It's scary.  I know that tomorrow is a new day and luckily we're out of chips.  But seriously, this HAS to STOP!!!!

It ALL Makes Sense Now

It's been a long, tiresome week and thankfully it's over!  My skin has been freaking out, I've been unable to satisfy my chocolate cravings, and I'm a bottomless pit when it comes to eating.  I've been moody and on the verge of tears this week.  Any normal person would have realized that it's "that time".

I, on the other hand, have blamed it on everything BUT that.  Crazy?  In denial?  Nah - just plain old stupid me.  Sure there are some things going on at work that are causing me some strife.  The annual 1099s are due out and the client I am working at cannot remember how the system works - uh, ya just run the process and they print.  And, the company that bought the company I work for has decided in their "infinite wisdom" to structure the consulting ranks in a way that will likely piss off a lot of people who will most likely leave.

Oddly enough, the reason they structured the consulting ranks the way they did was to stop "the talent" from leaving.  Am I going to jump ship?  I don't know quite yet.  I've come to the decision that it's better to wait and see than just jump ship.  See - I am slowly becoming a responsible adult.  In reality, I think that sometimes I am just too tired to even care.

What's the Rush!?!?

For whatever reason, this past holiday season came and just *pfft* went on me.  I know that I've said that before.  But, when I was driving home from work today I realized it was snowing and the next song on my iPod was "All I Want For Christmas is You" which was a little strange.

But, when I got home and checked e-mail I got an e-mail from one of my favorite running store telling me that Spring was just around the corner.  Is it just me or are we rushing through seasons and holidays a little too quickly these days?  I'm sure that idea has been voiced before and maybe it's because I'm getting older, but it does feel like we barely get past one holiday and the next one is being advertised.

What is WITH that!?!  What's the rush?  I wonder sometimes if it will get to the point where one holiday eclipses another - like one runner passing another on a track.  Is it entirely possible that one day Christmas will come in October before Thanksgiving?

What's Knocking Around in My Head

Sometimes I think people don't believe me when I say that my head just goes off on its own.  Here is a little snippet of what went on in my head this morning between the 6:30 and 6:45.

• What is that infernal music? Oh, it's my cell phone alarm.
• Why is it so freakin cold in here?
• Who didn't flush the toilet?
• Ooh, I wonder if it's still snowing.
• I wish I could have a snow day to play with the boys.
• This shampoo is stinging my eyes.
• Damn I forgot to wash my face in the shower.
• Where's the pimple medicine and I need more eyecream.
• Coffeee - I neeeed coffeeeee!
• Why does this coffee taste like dirt.
• Dirt smells nice - I wonder if that cologne that smells like dirt is still around.
• Am I going to have to hang up that hall organizer myself?
• How long is that going to take?
• You know, snow makes it seem less gloomy.
• I hope this is a short Monday.
• Gawd, I have to work with that awful person today and her voice is like nails on a chalkboard.
• Ugh - it's Monday!

Sometimes SHIT Happens

Normally, I don't talk about things like poop and other bodily functions but being that lately I've been in such a slump, I figured a little poop talk wouldn't be so bad.  Nicholas is almost 2 1/2 years old and he's taken a bath everyday - except for the first month we took him home from the hospital.  Today, Nick surprised me by taking a poop in the bathtub.

I was completely freaked out - not sure why that would freak me out since I've changed some really interesting diapers these past couple of years.  In front of Nick I thought I handled it well because he didn't freak out even though I think he was watching my face to see what kind of crazy reaction I'd have.  Once I disposed of the offending and unwelcome floating pieces I quickly cleaned the bathtub, filled it again, and put Nick in to resume his bath.

When things were settled, I calmly walked over to David and asked him if Nicholas had ever done that to him.  I guess Nick has done this in the past - once - and David handled it the same way that I did.  In 2 1/2 years, frankly I'm surprised it hasn't happened more than twice.  But, I guess it's a metaphor for my life right now.

Shit happens and when it does it's usually no big deal; you clean it up; move along; and sometimes you wonder how it is that it doesn't happen more often.

* SIGH *

This will be a short post because * sigh * because there is nothing that I really want to say.  Well, there IS but I don't want to spread bad Mojo on the Internet.  Whatever issues I have are mine and even though talking about them makes me feel better, I'm thinking that I should just keep them to myself for right now.

No, I'm not sick; the kids are fine; David is fine; I'm relatively healthy; nobody in my family is sick - well, except my niece's dog (Corkey) who died this morning.  I just need a moment to myself - to gather my thoughts and pull myself together.  I'd like to think it's just about everyday stresses and how sometimes you just get SO tired.

And, that's just what it is right now.  I'm tired - very very very tired.

The Hoity and the Toity

At work today, I was talking with one of the people who sits outside the office we’re occupying.  We were talking about the weekend and got on the subject of television shows.  I mentioned that I watched “The New Adventures of Old Christine” which is a nice mindless and entertaining show.  One of the people that I have to work with at the client, let’s call her Milli, came out of her office and starting saying that she doesn’t like mindless drivel.

She went on to talk about how she only watches television shows like “24” and “Hero” and when I told her that I need the mindless drivel to empty my very full head she just wrinkled her nose at me and walked away.  I usually don’t criticize what people watch or read because I think it’s rude to impose your “hoity-toity” opinions on people.  I mean, far be it from me to tell you that what you watch is boring or stupid.

I left the conversation feeling very annoyed.  This is the same woman who criticizes the way that the application that I’m working on works.  When I explain that the software is meant to work for other businesses and not just theirs, her response is always – AND I MEAN ALWAYS – “Well, that’s STUPID.”  Really, how does one answer to that.

So, while I’m toiling away to make sure that the software meets MOST of her needs I will just bite my tongue.  At the end of the day, I will just go home and watch my silly mindless drivel because after all, in Milli’s words, I’m “just STUPID.”

Because That's What I Do

It's Martin Luther King day and the client I work for has a holiday.  They're a bank so it doesn't surprise me.  But, because I have a crap-load of stuff to do I am working today.  Granted I am working from the Panera Bread in my neighborhood but I am working!

I finished half of my presentation and after this quickie lunch break, I will be finishing it up.  Like the crazy that I am, I wanted to start the presentation on Saturday so that I could enjoy this day off.  In reality it doesn't matter if I do my 8 hours all today or do some today and some this past weekend.  But, working early morning Saturday didn't happen.

I procrastinated.  I seem to be doing that a lot as I get older.  When I was in college, I was that annoying person that started their papers before they were assigned and handed them in early.  I was also the annoying one that would actually read the chapters before class.  Even worse, I took notes and then would type up my class notes with my notes that I took while I was reading.  Gawd, what a geek!

Nowadays, I procrastinate because - well - that's just what I do.  I'm convinced that all the time and energy I spent getting things done early have been used up.  It's not that I am late with stuff now.  Instead, I am much less annoyingly on time.  I hoping that by the time I retire, I will have learned to pace myself.

Unfocused

I was looking at my resolutions and realized that I haven't been doing very well with them.  I haven't gone to church yet and I haven't taken a single picture.  I was doing pretty well with the running, but this past week I haven't run a step.

So what gives?  I'd say it has something to do with that little monster I don't like to talk about.  I have been diagnosed with dysthymia and although I'm one of the lucky "fully functional" ones, it does tend to get in the way.  I can't say for sure what brings an episode on - when I mean episode I mean that I get quiet and moody which could be SO much worse - but they seem to occur when I'm not busy or when I'm stressed out or when I feel that I'm not in control of anything.

Funny that last part because if you think about it, one is never really in control at any point in time.  But, I have my little tricks to make me feel as though I'm in control (the lists that I am so fond of keeping).  What happens when I cannot accomplish things on my lists is that I start feeling more moody and I get much more quiet and introspective.  Usually, I know that I've hit my lowest point when I don't want to get out of bed and spend hours upon hours playing Internet video games.

With the kids, it's hard for me to get to the low point because I'm so busy doing stuff.  But the longer that I ignore my feelings the worse it seems to get.  Lately I've been feeling more unfocused than ever and I've been sleeping less and less.  One entertaining thing is that when I do sleep, I have some really strange dreams.

One night last week I had a dream that I was doing some modeling on the side.  In reality, it's funny because I'm 5' 4" and way too heavy to be a model - at those are the LEAST of my worries.  Last night I had a dream that I actually got a job modeling and was in the agency with a new model who happened to be Christina Aguilera.  She was filling out paperwork with the help of Mike, one of my old bosses from when I worked in accounting.

Writing about it now brings a smile to my face because it's just so ridiculous.  But, it's a great example of some of the crazy dreams that I've been having lately.  I suppose if there is one good thing about all of this is that I can laugh about it.  There's always that!  Oh, and that the Bears won and we're supposed to get snow.  But, I guess that doesn't have anything to do with my dysthymia.  Heh!

Freakin' Nag!

I know that we are DEFINITELY going through some role reversal thing at our house because David said to me this morning, "We have a household to run! Get off of that thing (laptop)!"  My husband, bless his soul - his nagging soul, has tried to take over the household duties.  And, although he doesn't keep the house as clean as I did when I was home with 2 kids; a gaping C-section scar; postpartum depression; and 20 pounds of extra pregnancy weight, he does try.

I've noticed that when I get home and he's had a tough day with the kids, I get the "You never do anything in the house." and "I'm home with the kids all day the least you could do is TALK to me!" stuff that traditional mother-type homemakers say on television shows.  On the one hand it's pretty humorous, but today it's just annoying.

Yes, we are fortunate that someone can stay home with the kids.  But, I would love more than nothing to have the ability to be the one to stay home with the kids.  I usually work a 40-plus hour week outside of the home and when I get home I'm STILL Mommy.  Mommy who snuggles the kids; plays with them; snuggles them; and puts them to bed.

I'm still Mommy - the ones that the kids cry to.  I love being "Mommy" and I know that I'm fortunate that David takes such good care of them, but this double duty thing is tough.  I'd rather just be Mommy sometimes and the nagging that I get for being the one working outside the home is not fun.  Ugh!  Life is just exhausting sometimes.  Always rewarding, but sometimes just too exhausting!

There Aren't Enough Hours in the Day

I updated my New Year's Resolutions - go HERE to see.  Sometimes you just have to adjust your expectations of yourself.

I know I'm not the only one who thinks there aren't enough hours in the day.  And, I don't mean this as a parent.  I mean it as someone who has a shitload of stuff that I need to do but cannot seem to fit it all in.  Of course, you have to add in sleep time because if you don't get enough sleep, you end up staring off into space saying, "God I have so much stuff to do and not enough time to do it!"

I am finding that I can create list upon list of stuff that I need to do, but because I simply don't have the energy, I am finding that it's tough to get through all the crap on the list.  What's bad for me is that I cannot remember a night where I've gotten uninterrupted sleep.  I ALWAYS WAKE UP.

Some nights are better than others.  Those are the nights when I wake up and I toss and turn for an hour or so.  Usually, I end up getting out of bed and watching TV or logging onto the computer.  When there was no Internet or cable - yes, I kinda remember those days - I would get up and read.  It's no wonder I've a collection of trashy paperbacks at my parents' house.

As a kid, I didn't have a lot of responsibilities and could get by without the sleep.  I mean, I'd come home from school and take a quick nap or just put my head down in study hall.  But now because I'm going and going and going there isn't any time to take a quick nap.  Somebody ALWAYS wants something.  Even the bathroom isn't a good hiding place anymore.

I suppose I could just take a quick cat nap in my car when I get home.  But, the chances of dying of carbon monoxide poisoning are pretty great when your car in the garage.  So, I guess I can get enough sleep I am pretty much at the mercy of coffee doing the trick.  Too bad you can't have an intravenous drip of the stuff.

There HAS to be an Easier Way

I'm not sure if it's the weather or the fact that I'm tired of waking up and not having daylight until 7:30ish, but I'm starting to feel a little weary.  I knew that there were time constraints that I had to deal with, but here it is the 2nd week of January and already my resolutions have been slipping a bit.

On the bright side, the ones that have slipped aren't ones related to running.  Okay, so maybe I've only run ONCE this week but this week isn't quite over yet.  Things have been busy at work and I haven't been able to get up early to take rolls of film.  Excuses, excuses, excuses.

The great thing about resolutions is that you can always adjust them.  I'm not giving up entirely on them but I think they just need to be tweaked a little.  Going from not shooting ANY rolls of film to one a week is a little much, so maybe I just need to EASE into it.

I Give Up

Today was not such a happy day and the best part about it is that the day is over!  It wasn't that today was bad in that bad things happened.  It's just that I really didn't accomplish anything.  Yes, I got up this morning and ran and I even got 30 minutes of extra sleep this morning.  But, because I went back to bed after running (I rinsed off so as not to make the sheets icky), I woke up really tired.

Plus, I curled up in bed next to Nick who was warm and cuddly and smiley so it was even harder to get out of bed.  When I got to work, I was supposed to hold a 30 minute meeting which turned out to be a 2 hour meeting.  I dread the rest of this week because I have to do another 30 minute meeting with the same people on something more complex that I talked about today.  Think it will be a 30 minute meeting - I'm thinking that it won't.

I'm still mourning the fact that I didn't enjoy the holidays.  I'm wondering how I can right this injustice that I've done to myself.  Should I make up my own holiday?  Maybe - my birthday is coming up.  Maybe if/when it ever snows this season, I will feel better.  I know that people don't want snow, but I'm thinking that I need it - like someone who needs to sit under artificial light because they have Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I wonder if there's a snow machine out there somewhere.

Realization Kicks In

I was extremely busy at work today - probably because of all the back to back meetings.  Plus, one of the consultants on my project quit and since I'm the most senior person on the project, I had to interview prospective replacements.  First of all, my company was purchased a year ago by a very large corporation so now the pool of consultants is much bigger.  Bigger is not always better because now it means that I had to talk to twice as many people.  There's this "gotta find the right person" mentality and not just any old warm body would do.

Fine, I'm okay with that but along with finding the right person means giving EVERYone who is remotely qualified a chance.  I'm okay with that too but with the buyout we went from 30 qualified people to 1,000 qualified people.  Luckily that number was whittled down by the number of people who were already on projects.  Still, going through a stack of 60 resumes and talking to each of them was not fun.

Half way through my day someone asked me if I had a good new years.  I had to pause because it was then that I realized that the holidays had passed me by.  Pfffft - just like that.  I don't remember new years and scarcely remember Christmas.  I vaguely remember ripping open pretty paper from my sons' presents and putting together plastic (always in that yellow, orange, blue, and red color scheme) toys.

What the heck happened to the time?  I swear I was just looking forward to Halloween.  By the time I got home I was left with this "was that IT?" feeling.  Really, was that all?  It's all over with?  How could I have missed all of that?

It's sad that the holidays that I loved so much in the past have been reduced to lines on my huge to do list.  They're just items that I need to cross off when they're finished.  But, I guess I'm not quite ready to cross them off my list just yet because I haven't taken the time to enjoy them.

Fifteen Years

Time passes so quickly doesn't it?  I'm not talking about 2006 or 2007 either.  I'm talking about YEARS - like 15 years.  Fifteen years ago I was starting my last semester as a senior in college.  Ugh, that makes me sound old.

I was 20 years old and still looking for my first job; dealing with all my other friends finding jobs before Christmas break; deciding if I wanted to still seriously date my high school sweetheart who had just a year before broken up with me and shattered my life.  At 20 I had braces on - AGAIN - and was looking forward to getting them off very soon.

Fifteen years ago today, I had accepted a date with someone who was a friend of a friend.  Was I cheating on my high school sweetie who was trying to make up for breaking my heart a year before - well, yeah I guess.  Turns out that the blind date which happened 15 years ago TOMORROW was awful.  The only good thing was that he was my first date without my braces as I had gotten them off that same day.

We had nothing in common and only had our mutual friend to talk about.  I guess he wasn't having the best time either because my date and I decided to meet up with friends at a local townie bar.  When I walked in the bar, I was met by this strange guy with a tie tied too tight.  My friends and I called him "Creepy Gawker Guy" and stayed far away.

Turns out that "Creepy Gawker Guy" was sitting with his friend (Creepy Gawker Guy's friend) who looked somewhat normal.  Actually, I can't say that with certainty because I was so miserable during my date that I had several drinks.  In the end, CGG's friend asked for my phone number and I gave it to him.  Normally I give the Empire Carpet phone number to the very few people who did ask for it in bars, but I actually gave it to CGG's friend.

CGG's friend didn't write it down so I was shocked when he called me at 8:30 the next morning, a Sunday no less.  That's the last time I've ever seen CGG's friend up and chatty so early in the morning because 15 years later, David (CGG's friend), doesn't like mornings and can't get through one with out at least 2 cups of coffee.

Whatever happened to CGG?  Who knows - the last I heard he married the mother of one of his dates that didn't work out.  And the friend of a friend that I dated?  I haven't heard from him in 15 years.  And my old high school sweetheart - whatever happened to him?  Tod's a successful marketing person in an office supply company but past that I don't know - he doesn't talk to me and that's a story for another day.

Fifteen years is a really long time; some days it feels like 15 minutes and others it feels like 15 decades.  Today, it feels like 15 years.  Ask me again tomorrow and you may get a different answer!