I was looking at my resolutions and realized that I haven't been doing very well with them. I haven't gone to church yet and I haven't taken a single picture. I was doing pretty well with the running, but this past week I haven't run a step.
So what gives? I'd say it has something to do with that little monster I don't like to talk about. I have been diagnosed with dysthymia and although I'm one of the lucky "fully functional" ones, it does tend to get in the way. I can't say for sure what brings an episode on - when I mean episode I mean that I get quiet and moody which could be SO much worse - but they seem to occur when I'm not busy or when I'm stressed out or when I feel that I'm not in control of anything.
Funny that last part because if you think about it, one is never really in control at any point in time. But, I have my little tricks to make me feel as though I'm in control (the lists that I am so fond of keeping). What happens when I cannot accomplish things on my lists is that I start feeling more moody and I get much more quiet and introspective. Usually, I know that I've hit my lowest point when I don't want to get out of bed and spend hours upon hours playing Internet video games.
With the kids, it's hard for me to get to the low point because I'm so busy doing stuff. But the longer that I ignore my feelings the worse it seems to get. Lately I've been feeling more unfocused than ever and I've been sleeping less and less. One entertaining thing is that when I do sleep, I have some really strange dreams.
One night last week I had a dream that I was doing some modeling on the side. In reality, it's funny because I'm 5' 4" and way too heavy to be a model - at those are the LEAST of my worries. Last night I had a dream that I actually got a job modeling and was in the agency with a new model who happened to be Christina Aguilera. She was filling out paperwork with the help of Mike, one of my old bosses from when I worked in accounting.
Writing about it now brings a smile to my face because it's just so ridiculous. But, it's a great example of some of the crazy dreams that I've been having lately. I suppose if there is one good thing about all of this is that I can laugh about it. There's always that! Oh, and that the Bears won and we're supposed to get snow. But, I guess that doesn't have anything to do with my dysthymia. Heh!
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