Chicago Chick

Can You Teach My Husband to do That?

Yeah, I am well aware that I just posted something, but I was catching up on my Internet reading and read this over at Mamazilla:

"You are not useless, worthless or powerless.  Your kids love you and you have a husnband who still thinks you're the best thing that ever happened to him, regardless of your inability to clean the litter box j/k.  You still possess creative talent that far outstrips that of mere mortals such as yours truly. "

It was in the comments section of this post.  After reading it, you quickly realize that her hubby posted that comment.  All I have to say is if I send my husband over, could he teach mine to be as expressive as that.

Seriously, I love my husband dearly and he has some great qualities but he's never been that expressive.  And sometimes, especially during stressful situations, you need to hear that stuff -or at least read it in the comments section of your blog.

Bouncing Back

It takes me about a day to rebound from disappointment.  This is a good thing and really a survival skill.  If I keep moving and I don't stop to think about how disappointed I am, I'm happily distracted.  If I don't keep going, I start picking apart everything - even things that aren't related to what disappointed me.

After agreeing on an offer for the house; the building inspection; the roofing estimate; the Roto Rooter guys (who have YET to give me an estimate); and then the disappointment that followed, I am exhausted.  I think David has lost a little bit of the "oomph" he had when we had first started to put an offer on the house.

BTW, if you need the name of a great building inspector and you are in the Chicagoland area, let me know.  I also have the name of a great roofing contractor.  Both the building inspector and roofing contractor were professional, thorough, quick with their estimates, and answered all of our questions.  If or when we find another place to put an offer on, I will definitely be calling these guys (hopefully we won't need the roofing guy this time).

Then there was the seller's real estate agent, who was a complete ass.  When I first met him, he was fine.  But, when David showed up with the building inspector and it took 4 hours (because that's how long it's SUPPOSED to take for an older single family home), the seller's agent was belligerent to them.  He ranted and raved that he flipped 30 homes and never had an inspection and that we were looking for things that were wrong to reduce the price.

When our real estate agent told him yesterday that we decided not to go ahead with the deal, the seller's agent got all bent out of shape and said, "They never had any intention of purchasing the house."  HUH?!?!  That's right jackass, we decided to drop about $1,000 just to irritate you and the seller.

David and I asked our attorney to send the inspection report and the estimate for the roof (we wanted to send the Roto Rooter estimate, but we're STILL WAITING for it) to the seller' as a courtesy to the seller.  I know that we didn't have to do that, but I thought they should be informed.  Plus, they must take it into consideration when completing the disclosure on the house.  Now, they will have to redo their disclosure to say that they DO have knowledge of defects.

This whole process has been an eye-opener.  We never had to go through all this drama when we bought our first place.  That's right - we're not first time home buyers.  Although, the way that the seller's realtor acted you'd think that we were.  One of my friends thinks that we should file a complaint against him.  I say if he isn't MY agent then all is well!

Just Say No

Our home is officially listed on the market.  And, this evening David and I officially decided that we would kill our deal to buy the cute bungalow in Jefferson Park.  The final nail in the coffin was the estimate that we got from the Roto Rooter guys to fix the sewage pipe under the basement.

The roof would cost about $9,000 to fix and the sewage pipe would cost about $21,000.  We would have asked for either a reduction in the selling price or cash at closing to pay for the repairs and we would have been okay with that.  So what was the deal breaker?

It wasn't the approximately $6,000 to fix the furnace and air conditioner which were also in need of being replaced on top of the already $30,000 in repairs - bringing the total to $36,000.  It was the answer to this question that I asked the Roto Rooter guys:

"So to fix the 76 feet of cracked pipe under the basement, would you have to dig up the basement floor?"

When the answer was "Yes", I realized that it wasn't worth it.  It wasn't worth it because the basement floor tiles are asbestos and normally I wouldn't be bothered with the fact that the tiles were asbestos.  Except, when you have to dig up the basement to fix the sewage pipe you will have to break apart the tiles thus releasing asbestos in the air.  The already $36,000 estimates to fix the roof, the sewage pipe, and the HVAC would probably double since removing asbestos is expensive.

We're in the process of having our attorney write up a letter to "render (the contract) null and void".  However, as a courtesy to the seller(s) David and I decided to send along the contractor estimates and the building inspector's report.  I want to make sure that the sellers disclose the issues.  This whole endeavor cost us the better part of $1,000.00 and there is no way to recoup what we've spent.  But, better to know these issues and what to look for from now on then to have bought the cute bungalow with all the issues.

This whole process has been really interesting.  With everything else going on, this process has been even more stressful.  But, our family is intact and we still have a home and each other.  It could be far worse!  In the end, it was the right thing to just say no and keep looking.

Alternate Universe

When I was little, I watched old Superman cartoons.  My favorite episodes were the ones where you could see what was going on in the alternate universe of Bizarro World.  Somehow I feel like I'm living in Bizzaro World and whoever is living my life in the "real word" is having a grand ole time.

I just found out that my next project has not been signed and that come the end of April, I will not be going to a new project.  Well, at least not yet.  On the one hand, I am a little happy for the time on the bench but I get the feeling that it won't be "a little time".  I am pretty good on the bench (unassigned status) for about 3 days.  Then, I start worrying about whether or not I will get laid off.

More added stress that I don't need.  I was talking to my friend, D, and I told her that the only thing that could make things worse is if the kids or David got sick or hurt or if I found out I was pregnant.  Not that having another child wouldn't be a blessing - it would be.  The timing would just suck out loud!

Because the Fun NEVER Ends!

I took Nicholas to the Easter egg hunt at the school that he will be going to this fall.  The principal was nice enough to invite us to attend even though Nick won't officially be a student until September.  Usually I keep a guarded eye on him - it's what I do - I'm a new parent.  He ran around and played with the toys, the other kids, and did some coloring.

On the way out to the school, I spent time on the phone talking to our attorney, the real estate agent, the roofing contractor, and the plumbing contractor.  Then, I called David to make sure that he was doing the minor repairs like patching up the dent in the wall that Nick put there.  The day Nick tossed a golf ball at the wall I remarked, "Mom said don't play ball in the house." (think Brady Bunch).

On the way back home from the Easter egg hunt, I called the real estate agent (to make sure I gave her the selling price of our home), the roofing contractor (to make sure he received our building inspector's report), and David (to make sure that he was still doing minor repairs).

I also drove past a few houses that were listed on the MLS just in case this deal fell through.  For whatever reason I have a good feeling about this because the seller decided to bring in a HVAC contractor to get a price on fixing the furnace that wouldn't start during out inspection.  There are a lot of nice homes in our price range that have come up for sale lately so I am not completely discouraged.

After spending an hour or so faxing information to whatever contractor or attorney or real estate agent, my Blackberry came in the mail.  Oh yeah, I didn't tell ya - my Blackberry went on the fritz yesterday and I had to call the insurance company to get a new one.  I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to program the thing which was not an easy task.

It's been a crazy day!  But, I suspect that the craziness won't let up any time soon.  For now, our place is listed and hopefully someone will buy our place and we'll find our way through this mire of contractors to close on a new house.  I'm starting to think that maybe it would have been a better idea to stay where we're at.  We'll see.

Seriously? No, Seriously?

How is it that I go from laughing and freeze dancing with the boys right to "OH MY GOD! GET YOUR MOUTH OFF OF THAT!"  Since I've moved a lot of extraneous furniture and crap out of the house, the outlets are a little more exposed than I care for them to be.  Alex has taken to trying to put his little fingers in sockets or worse, trying to lick them.  I have to go find these light plates.  God, I hope I didn't pack them in a box somewhere!

Laughing Until I Puke

I spent my lunch calling contractors of various sorts and asking if they'd come out and give us an estimate on what it would cost to fix whatever it was that was identified as wrong in our building inspector's report.  Why do we even bother?  Because if we asked the seller to fix it, they'd probably get someone to fix whatever it is and it wouldn't be fixed properly.  Case in point, the 4 layers of roofing that is currently on the house.  Chicago code stipulates that there should be no more than 3 layers of roof.

Plus, this way we get it fixed the way it's supposed to be AND we get to ask for a reduced selling price or money back at closing.  I've received a lot of encouraging e-mail and comments and once again friends and family have been very supportive.  Still, it's stressful.

So stressful that I decided to crack open that bottle of wine that I bought this past Christmas.  Normally, I only drink at weddings - especially since I do some crazy things when I drink.  One episode at my cousin's wedding comes to mind.  We did shots of tequila (no training wheels thankyouverymuch). 

I was so plastered when I came home that when I did finally get sick, David tried to hold my head to keep me from drowning in the toilet.  But, he must have miscalculated the way my head was going to go because my cheekbone slammed into the toilet seat.

I still remember my head ringing when it hit the porcelain seat.  The next morning, I wasn't hung over but I did have a bruised cheek.  Actually, I think that next morning I went and actually ran.  Bleh!  But today is different, I decided I would drown my unhappiness.  Funny how a half of a glass of wine will do you in during the week.

In a fit of energy, I turned on the CD player and started dancing around the house.  The boys joined in and we played freeze dance (you know you turn on and off the music and freeze when it's off).  A couple of rounds of freeze dance and a half of glass of wine later, I'm sweating and laughing and I feel like I'm gonna throw up.  I think I spit up in my mouth a little, but it's all good.  At least I've forgotten how stressed out I feel.

Priceless

• Cost of packing up 4 boxes of unnecessary stuff:  1 sore back.
• Cost of scrubbing 1.5 bathrooms:  10 perfectly manicured nails.
• Cost of trying to get a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath condo in Bucktown ready to be listed:  3 days of cleaning.
• Finding out that the house you thought was perfect needs a new roof, has asbestos tiles, has lead in the pipes, a furnace that doesn't turn on, a water heater that probably will go at any time, and an air conditioner that was put in during the late 1980's:
  
  PRICELESS

Okay, so it wasn't completely pricess.  It cost us $425.00 to find out what was wrong with the home we were buying.  I think $425.00 is well worth it since now the things that he found could cause us to walk away from the house.

On the one hand, I am disappointed.  I really loved that house, but come on - it's not like the house is a loved-one who has an illness.  I don't want to have to pay almost a third of the purchase price to have to fix the thing.  The asbestos thing is really scary too since the tile that contains it is cracked.  It would cost a very pretty penny to fix remove it.

We'll see what happens.  Maybe the sellers will give us a descent reduction in price, but I doubt it.  It should be interesting.  David went to the home inspection today and called me to tell me what the inspector found.  If there isn't a large impact on the selling price then we'll probably walk away.  This house isn't the last house on the market.

Transformations

I've spent the better part of 2 days cleaning and packing and cleaning which has caused David to ask me, "What have you done with my wife?"  When we first moved into our place, I woke up every Saturday and cleaned but by the time a year had gone by I had slowly stopped.  Cleaning isn't an act that you see me perform very often.  I'm messy - it's part of who I am.

Putting our place on the market has turned me into that cleaning person again.  I wake up and the first thought I have is not "I really gotta go to the bathroom" - it's I need to clean something.  There have been so many transformations lately and some of them are welcome and some are not.

Yesterday I asked David if he loved me and he said that he loved me more lately.  Of course I asked "Whaddaya mean LATELY?".  His response was that he loved me more since I decided to become part of his marriage.  Huh?  He went on to explain that I am so independent that at times he didn't think I was his better half.  But, after "the incident" (trust me, it doesn't come up as an everyday topic of conversation anymore) and the (cross your fingers) new house, I seemed to rely on him more.

Maybe I'm mellowing out or maybe I'm just too tired to go the remainder of my life alone, but he's right.  I am very independent and it will probably never change but I have learned to rely on him more.

For Sale

Anyone looking to buy a condo?  Our place will be going on the market soon.  It's a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath condo in the Bucktown neighborhood.  Our place has the 9 ft high ceilings, wood floors, granite counter tops, and a balcony that's large enough to eat on and have a grill.  The master bath has a marble counter top and the bath is tiled in marble.  The place was built - brand new and not a gut rehab - in 2002.

We're 2 blocks from the Western stop on the blue line and 3 blocks away from Damen Ave.  Seriously, if you or anyone you know is interested, please let me know.  Our place will be listed in the next week or so.

Except for the 4 or so years that I lived in a Chicago suburb and the couple of years I lived in the Philippines at the beginning of my life, I have never really lived anywhere except for Chicago.  I love Chicago.  It's better than NYC or Atlanta or LA (although, San Francisco gives Chicago a run for its money in my heart).

In my first 3 years out of college, my job took me all over the world and I've "lived" (worked M through F for 3 or more months) in NYC, Atlanta, Memphis, Montreal, and Winston-Salem, NC.  I cannot imagine living anywhere else.  At one point in time, I thought of moving to Minneapolis but in the end realized that I couldn't leave Chicago.

When David and I started looking for houses almost 2 years ago, we looked in Park Ridge and Niles and other nearby suburbs.  My heart would sink at the thought of having to leave the Chicago city limits, but then my stomach would twist when we did look in the city and the prices were ridiculous.  Not that the prices of homes in Park Ridge and Niles were any better.

About 2 weeks ago we decided to look in Chicago and I found a listing after calling my friend's real estate agent.  Things are moving quickly and we don't have a final contract, but hopefully if I don't jinx it, we'll be moving soon.

Someone To Watch Over Me

It has been an interesting couple of days.  David and I are house hunting and we found a place that we liked.  After what seemed like forever with offering and counter offering, we finally got to a number that was acceptable to all parties.  Actually, if the price had been lower it would have been even more acceptable to David but what are you going to do.

The past month has been nothing but rocky.  I think that the craziness all started with the last full moon (March 2nd) but hopefully it's starting to calm down.  I say that with my fingers crossed because we still have to sell our place which means that there will be painting and packing and storing.

Any couple who has been married as long as David and I have (10 years in April thankyouverymuch) knows that stressful events like home improvements and moving will cause you to fight like cats and dogs.  Many a relationship has been tested by paint color choices or hanging wall paper.  My high school sweetheart's parents, who never fought, didn't speak to each other for a month after hangning the dining room wall paper.

I am happy to say that even though lately I've been given nothing but lemons by life that the home buying experience was not too terribly bad.  David did a terrific job of negotiating the price to something that was not too terribly bad.  I know we're not done yet because there are things like a home inspection, selling our place, and moving that are stressful events to come.  But, I feel good that these stressful events have made David and I closer.

It's taken me 10 years to put aside my stubborness and let someone other than blood relatives help me out.  What can I say?  I'm a slow learner.  I love that out of what seemed to be the darkest time in my adult life really wasn't so bad because I had someone in my life (who was there all along) to pull me through.  I love that I truly feel like David and I are a family, separate and distinct from each of our parents and siblings.  Today I really feel like an adult and I'm not afraid.

Read VERRRRRRY Carefully

Yesterday afternoon I was fed up with thinking about house hunting and trying to get out the door with the kids only to be stopped by annoying things.  Annoying things like dirty diapers, hungry kids, or nap time.  It's amazing that it takes 2 adults and 4 hours worth of work to get out of the house these days.

By 2:30, we still hadn't gotten everything orchestrated and I resigned myself to do other things.  Things I've been avoiding for no other reason than they're a pain in my a$$.  Things like doing our 2006 income taxes.  I hate doing income taxes.  I don't care if they're mine or a friends or if I'm doing it for a volunteer organization.  I hate doing taxes.

Did I mention, by the way, that I majored in accounting and earned my CPA?  Yeah, so maybe I picked the wrong major and spent the first 9 years of my working career doing something that I hated.  Hey, it paid the bills - and rather well I might add.  I digress.  I was ready to wrap up the taxes and calculate what I owed when surprise, surprise.  We don't owe any money this year.

On the contrary, we get a refund.  I'm thinking to myself, "How can this be?".  I make a good enough living to support a family of 4 and we don't really go without.  It turns out that we paid more in interest for the mortgage this year and I had unreimbursed business expenses due to the home office that I have.  After all, you cannot say that I have an office at my company because they don't have a desk for me, a phone, or even space on their phone mail system for me.  The deduction was paltry, but it still helped.

Plus, those 2 little rug rats that take 2 adults 4 hours to get out of the house - those guys are happy little deductions.  I almost missed the child tax credit because I didn't read closely enough.  I hate to think that that child tax credit was there last year because I know that I didn't take advantage of it.

Since David isn't working outside the home doing a "regular" job where he would get a W-2, there aren't additional federal taxes being deducted from another paycheck.  This means that I OVERpaid my 2006 share of taxes.  It steams my clams that I didn't file earlier.  I always procrastinate because I just assume we'll end up owing money and the last thing I need to be is bummed out.

So, are we getting enough in a tax return to go out and buy something or go on a trip?  Nah, it's going in the bank for the boys' education fund.  You never know when the storm clouds will sneak in overhead.

Where Has the Time Gone?

I was looking over some bills and trying to schedule my calendar for next week and I realized that March is practically over.  It's so cliche to ask "Where did the time go" but today I caught myself saying that.

Spring is pretty much here, although in Chicago, the weather has turned cold again.  But, anyone who has lived in Chicago knows that one minute it will be cold and then the next it will be 70 degrees.  The spring and summer seasons just sneak up on you.  I can't say the same for anywhere else since I've never really lived anywhere else through all 4 seasons.

There are some good things coming down the pipe for David, Nick, Alex, and me.  Things I am really looking forward to like being able to open the patio deck doors to let some fresh air in.  Days full of sunshine and trips to the park and the zoo.  This morning I walked my friend, D, who has always been there for me.

When I got back from the walk, I opened up the floor to ceiling curtains in front of the deck and let the sun shine in.  It was gorgeous and for once in a long time I felt like I could breathe.

But Wait, There's More

I'm still getting e-mail from people saying that they're in the same boat with wondering if their child is Autistic.  They may or they may not, but the word "Autism" seems to be such a buzz word lately.  I think the attention to it is great, but I'm starting to feel as though it's become a witch hunt.

The "incident" seemed to confirm my theory.  It almost seemed that M wouldn't be satisfied until Nick was diagnosed with SOMETHING.  Could it be that Nick is just a normal, albeit stubborn, 2 1/2 year old?

I'm waiting to hear the chant "Autistic, autistic, autistic" being yelled outside my house or at the Gymboree that we go to.  It's so crazy!  But, as Amy from Eat Misery wrote to me:

"My head and my instinct have two different views and I feel like I'm going nuts.  Do I see things because I read them or do I not see things because I love him?" 

I couldn't agree more.

Drama!

I am calm - completely calm (finally).  David and I were talking about "the incident" and what it means last night while he was loading the dishwasher.  Nick was in the kitchen playing with his magnetic letters and obviously listening to what we were saying because he starts laughing and saying "Such Drama!  How can this be, this drama?"

How can you not be calm after a comment like that?!?  This morning I've been going through e-mails and comments to my recent posts.  First of all I'd like to say THANK YOU to everyone for the supportive e-mails and comments.  It's cool that I can add people that I don't know by face (or sometimes name) to my network of support.  It only makes me realize that I really am a lucky person.  Or, as the grandma in the movie Hope Floats says, "My cup runneth over!"

But it occurred to me that I didn't talk about what happened - what was "the incident".  Well, here it is.  I want to write it out and never speak about it again (though I'm sure that won't be the case):

Someone close to me, M, brought up the idea that Nick was Autistic.  We talked about it and I went on the Internet to look up information and found a site that had a self-test.  I took the test and maybe I didn't understand the test or maybe it was because it was 2 in the morning or maybe Nick really does have issues, but the test said that there was a possibility that Nick had some developmental issues.

By 3:00 that same morning, I'm sitting on the couch sobbing and my husband had to come out and calm me down.  When I explain what happened to my friend, N, she says that's crazy.  She's been around Nick and yes he doesn't "perform" his ABCs and 123s on command but Nick is a child and not a circus monkey.  Still, I make an appointment for the doctor and I call the Early Intervention people and make an appointment.

The pediatrician says Nick seems fine and the Early Intervention people call for an appointment.  This past Wednesday, David and I went to the Early Intervention appointment where the intake counselor tells me that M called 2 days ago to find out what's going on with Nick.  I was shocked.  I never gave M the information on who the intake counselor was.  Initially, the shock made me think that there was some mistake.  I asked the counselor again and again and AGAIN, but she gave me the same answer.

M was unable to get any information because M is not Nick's legal guardian or parent.  Thank GOD for those HIPPA laws!  When we left, I was angry but willing to give M the benefit of the doubt.  She was only concerned about Nick and had his best interests at heart was what I kept telling myself.  I never had any intention of confronting M about it.

But, later that day I saw M and she was trying to get Nick to do his ABCs and 123s on command again.  When I told her that he knows them she rolled her eyes and shook her head and said, "No, no.  Something is wrong."  That's when I said, "Of course!  Nick is Autistic and you know everything.  Did you get your medical degree and license while I wasn't looking?"  After that it all came out.

At first she denied calling the Early Intervention people but when I told her the intake counselor told me that she did, she couldn't deny it any more.  I started yelling.  I told her that she had a lot of nerve and that I couldn't believe that she did that.  I told her that her actions told me that she didn't think I was doing everything I could to find out if something was wrong and that I was a bad parent.  I told her that if she had a problem with David or my parenting skills then she should call DCFS.

By now M is crying and I am furious and getting ready to leave with David.  I'm reminding her that we agreed that David and I would handle it because, after all, we are the boys' parents and we're fully capable and competent.  I'm telling her that she betrayed my trust and she crossed the line.  Then M's husband tells me to "Never talk to me again!" and to "Get out and never come back!" and then threw Nick's books at us.  Mind you, this happened all in front of Alex and Nick.

Nick was crying when he saw that I was upset.  I was carrying him towards the door.  Then, the books went flying and I smirked a "Oh that's mature and you've gotta be kidding" smirk.  Nick stopped crying when he looked at the expression on my face.  I think he knew that we were going to be okay.  After all, Mommy wasn't hurt or concerned.

So, that (minus some details) is the story of "the incident".  In hindsight, I should have known that this was going to happen.  It probably should have happened sooner rather than later.  Things have not been the same, as you all know.  Last night as David and I were talking I realized that Nick's statement was so appropriate: "Such Drama!  How can this be, this drama?"

Could That Be the Sun?

Yesterday was a very busy and stressful day.  I came to work completely exhausted and my eyes felt like hard boiled eggs.  I could not believe how swollen they were from crying the night before.  But, 2 days have passed since "the incident" and I think I am okay.
 
I think that the angst has passed - at least it's to the point where I don't think about it - and I feel a little lift in my spirits.  It could also be due to the sun which has decided to shine today.  Like all bad experiences, you learn something.  In some cases the lesson is not a pleasant one.
 
In the case of "the incident", I think I've learned the main lesson before - that M cannot be taken for her word or for face value.  But there were other lessons that came out of this.  First of all, I learned that my husband and kids are amazing and my sister is not just that annoying kid that I grew up with.  For the first time, I truly felt that even without M I would be okay.
 
I learned that I have an amazing set of friends - from N who is always there for me, cheering me on as a person to D who is not in the best situation herself, but always manages to boost me up.  Then, there is D, my college friend, who even though she sounded deathly ill with a cold, made me feel like I wasn't an incompetent boob.
 
As always, I was reminded that I have options.  The world that seemed to close in on me on Wednesday really didn't.  I have an incredible life with some incredible friends and I've lived through some incredible moments.  And if I think that "the incident" will destroy me, I am wrong.

Still F@$&ed Up

The person who "wronged" me yesterday still feels that I was in the wrong.  I talked to someone very close to me and M, the person who caused this whole thing, this morning and she, S, agreed that what M did was completely wrong and that M crossed a very sensitive line.  But, S also told me "You know how M is and she thinks she's being helpful, but she's not.  You have to tell her to get out of your business."

And, even though I know that S is right I cannot help but feel completely betrayed and shut out.  I said the same thing to David last night as we were talking about what happened.  I recalled a time when I felt this way and told him the story about when I was probably 9 years old.  My father has a very VERY bad temper and if you know him - I mean REALLY know him, you can totally see him doing this.

But, I was 9 years old and we had the day off of school and I wanted to go out and play with my friends.  It was Good Friday and my parents believed that you did not go outside on Good Friday.  Must be a Filipino thing who knows.  Like a typical 9 year old I sighed and quietly complained to myself.  Maybe he didn't like the look on my face or was having a bad day, but my father exploded.  He said, "Fine you want to go out so badly, then GET OUT!" and he pushed me out the back door.

I was in my pajamas, hadn't take a shower, and had no shoes or socks or even a jacket on.  I remember it being cold outside since it was March or April.  I sat outside the house in the backyard for an hour.  My sister finally opened the basement back door and told me to come inside it was freezing and my father had left for work.  It wasn't until I got inside the house that I started sobbing.  She told me that my father had told her not to let me in the house.

Was I abused as a child?  Well, I wouldn't go that far but I would say that I had a pretty f-ed up childhood even though there are happy times that I clearly remember.  In fact, I would say that I remember more happy times than the f-ed up times.  The bad times didn't really become more prevalant until I was in my early teen years.

The point is, that I haven't felt that abandoned and unloved in a long LONG time.  But yesterday's events and the impact that they have had on me today and on my children's lives is devastating.  I know that in time I will recover, but I think it will take me a long time and when a piece of your support system is gone - or feels like it's gone - you know that recovery will be a long road.

When You Don't Feel Like an Adult - Part II

It's taken me this long to get over something that was done to me.  On the one hand, I can see why this person did what they did, but that doesn't excuse what was done.  I don't really want to go into the details because I know that people close to the situation read my journal.

Let's just say that what this person did to me made me feel like I was truly an incompetent parent.  What galls me is that this person, M, knows me and knows that I'm competent in so many other ways and that my Achilles heel is my ability to be a good parent.  I always question if I'm a good parent - what parent doesn't wonder if they are.

But, when someone who knows you extremely well does something that undermines you or makes you think that THEY don't think you're a good parent well, it's devastating.  At least it was devastating to me.  So much so that on the way home I was sobbing uncontrollably, something I have not done in a LONG time.

I'm sad that things were said and that I yelled and that M's husband reacted the way he did.  I believe the words that were yelled at me were "Get out and never come back." which is something that I am all too happy to oblige after what happened.  There was also a stack of hardcover books that I believe he threw at David and me - very mature.

I know I could have handled things better, but M just pushed my buttons by negating everything that I said and reducing me to a 5 year old.  Yes, maybe I shouldn't have yelled - I definitely should NOT have yelled.  But I am finding it hard to stay quiet when I'm being attacked.  I wasn't good at that as a child or teenager and I'm certainly not good at it now.

Right now I no longer feel like a child.  I feel like a very tired adult who has a lot of things to deal with.  Unfortunately, I may have lost part of my support system with the events that took place this evening.  Maybe it's best to remember that my family and friends still love me and that there are some people that I can still rely on.

When You Don't Feel Like an Adult

And the unhappy slump continues.  I hate that I have adult responsibilities - a mortgage, a job, a family - but being around my mom always turns me into a child.  Not the good kind of being a child.  The child that digs her heels in because she wants to do things her way.

I'm stubborn and very much like my mom which makes things so much worse.  I hate that by the mere mention from her that Nick may be exhibiting autistic characteristics, I turn into a insecure, worrying mother.  I hate that she offers help but that it seems to come with so many strings.  I hate that it's her way or the highway.

When do we eventually become adults?  Is it when our parents are no longer with us?  If that's the case, then I would like to change things because I want to be an adult - a parent in my own right - AND have my parents both still be alive.  It's frustrating and I don't know how to break out of this.  Maybe if I transferred to the Minneapolis office I would finally be an adult.  My parents would still be around but I would have some distance and maybe some piece of mind.

Bumps in the Road

Lately I've been grousing writing about the kids, my job, finding "affordable" housing, and life's general crap.  It's come to my attention that there are people out there whose life is much MUCH easier than mine.  But also there are people out there whose life is much MUCH MUCH worse than mine.

I know all this, but I still bitch - it's what I do.  In an attempt to schedule in a very importatn meeting this week, I asked my client if it was okay that I work 4 - 10 hour days.  She agreed because she's really nice and because I meet my deadlines and get my work done.  So, this morning I came into work at 7:00 and with the time change and the weather it was blacker than black outside.

As I drove in this morning, I was hoping for a better week but by 10:00 realized that it probably was not going to be.  My client, bless her heart, was trying to extend me on to another project within the company.  I found out this morning that wasn't going to happen.  The budget didn't allow for me to be extended until the end of time.

Also, the techical resource that my client, K, isn't happy about decided to call in sick.  I believe that he is sick, but it was the last straw for K.  As of today, he is no longer on the project and I am being extended a couple of weeks.  Somehow I know that there are more bumps in the road coming my way.  My time with this particular client has not been smooth and it's due to personnel changes and everyday occurances.

Although today can be summed up as a "not so good" day, I can only hope that tomorrow as I'm driving in that TUESDAY will be the beginning of a better week.  I am nothing if I am not a stupid fool an optimist.