The Effect of Shame

Now that my mind is clear and we are starting with a new agent, I can turn my mind to other things.  Things like over-analyzing things in my life such as my identity, my weight, and second guessing myself.  David asks me if this is just a girl thing and I tell him that this is the legacy of my childhood.

When I was in Kindergarten we were asked, "What makes you unique? " and we were supposed to say one thing that made us unique.  Growing up, the adults said to me "Ma ganda!" which means "so beautiful".  At 5 years old, I didn't know that is said to ALL little children by the adults around me.  Trust me, I would grow to be more humble and infinitely insecure.

When asked what made me unique I said, "I am beautiful!"  That phrase - like everyone's phrase - got written down on a piece of paper and our assignment was to draw a picture to go with it.  When I brought it home to show my mom, she instantly scolded me.  Apparently, I wasn't supposed to say that I was beautiful.  She told me that I shouldn't say things like that and that it would be construed as bragging.

Thirty years later, I still remember that moment and the reason that I remember it so vividly is because it is the day that all self-esteem drained out of me and the feeling of shame flooded in.  The feeling of shame that I had haunts me to this day during times when I need to be proud of any of my accomplishments.  I agree that people should be modest, but that lesson can be taught to a child or to anyone without making them feel so "dirty".

I'm not writing this entry to show how terrible my parents were - because they weren't.  It started out as an entry on how I over-analyze things and how critical of myself I've become.  I was going to write about how I feel like I am so many different things (wife, mother, worker, daughter, etc.).  I guess that will be another topic for another time.  God knows, I'm a head case and I'll start wondering, "Who AM I?"

Comments

[thaihoney]

howdy! it took 2-3 days to finally figure out what our sleep numbers were (even though we did the online questionnaire) and i have to say, we love it! it's so nice to be able to change the firmness as we need it, and even though mykel's twice my size, we don't really notice a difference when we have totally different numbers set...and now we don't have a massive hump in the middle, so that's key!

[kristen]

i really enjoyed this entry, irene. very honest. good questions. :hug:
kristen

[diane]

sounds like we're in the same boat, sister...

born outside the Philippines, raised by Filipino parents who adhere to Filipino traditions and culture...then us kids are educated and adapt to the North American way of life...how many of us continue with the culture that we grew up in and how many of us slide away and distance ourselves from what we know...and create culture clash with our parents and other Filipinos around us?