Chicago Chick

I'm Tired, So What Else is New?

I'm tired.  No, scratch that - I am EXHAUSTED!  It isn't just the move and it isn't just work or the kids or David (or the fact that he didn't want to hire movers - yes I'm still mad).  It isn't the fact that I feel completely lost.  Lost, as in, I don't know who I am because I'm going through yet another big change that is completely self-imposed.

Sooner or later I would like to have what I would consider a "boring" year.  No job changes, no babies, no pregnancies, no large family blow-outs, and no moving.  I would be happy if 2008 included only the ONE big event - the move to our new and hopefully LAST house that we will buy.  If I could also have an end to world hunger, the mommy wars, and Heidi and Spencer's engagement that would be nice too.  But, being that those 3 things are on the list of "Nope, Never Gonna Happen" I would settle for just the one big event in 2008 for me.

This Sunday the movers that I hired are coming to take the rest of our stuff to the house that we're renting.  The house that we're renting will now and forever be referred to as the "Temp House" because I'm tired of typing out "the house that we're renting" when I refer to it.  We close on the sale of our place the week after next and I will officially no longer be a resident of Chicago.  Ugh - I threw up a little in my mouth when I said that.

So far the commute from the Temp House in a nearby suburb to our condo (where I shower and do some work) hasn't been that bad.  However, when you leave the suburbs at 5:00 am there really should not be a traffic problem.  Life should get a little bit easier on Friday when the Comcast people come to transfer my Internet service to the Temp House.  Yeah, after it took them 3 days to restore service at our condo and I was left with absolutely NO Internet anywhere to do work.

What Did I Just Tell You!?!?

Once upon a time, my mom was young and beautiful.  She still is beautiful, but not in the conventional sense.  Given that Ma is in her 60s she shows signs of aging and stress but she still looks great.  There are smile lines, stress lines, and bags under her eyes, but her eyes sparkle - more so now than when I was a child.

When I was a child, I would say that Ma's eyes flashed; I swear she could kill you with just one look.  I fully believe that this is a gift that you are given the moment you give birth to a child because I don't know one living person who I've spoken to who would not say that their mom had that "killer look".  You know the one - the look that told you that whatever it was that you were doing you had better stop or else.

I now have that "killer look" and oddly enough it works on David although that doesn't necessarily mean that he stops what he's doing.  It does work on the boys.  One of my New Year's Resolutions in 2008 is going to be that I stop (okay, cut down) on the yelling.  I can't help it.  Along with the "killer look" that Ma gave us was the yelling - I come from a very loud (mostly due to yelling) family.

I know now that it could not have been easy to raise my brother, sister, and me.  And, even though there was a lot of laughter, there was a lot of yelling as in "WHAT did I tell YOU!?!?" and "WHY can't you listen?"  Truthfully, it wasn't a matter of listening; it was a matter of OBEYING.  I suppose if we were asked, "WHY can't you OBEY?" it wouldn't have mattered.  I realize now that the stress on Ma's face is mostly due to us kids.  She was the one who did a lot of the yelling.  And, although Da did his fair share of yelling it wasn't as much as Ma.  Oddly enough, his face is not as marked with stress lines and he really doesn't have bags under his eyes.

Remembering in My Own Way

There is no way that I could let September 11th pass without mentioning the events of September 11, 2001.  I remember very clearly what I was doing that day, where I was, and how I was feeling.  I remember watching Good Morning America.  One minute they're playing their theme song, which was "Good Things Are Happening," and the next minute there are gasps of disbelief.

At the time I was in a ridiculous cycle of depression since I was working for Oracle Consulting and we were going through some massive lay-offs.  I was especially worried because I was unassigned and had been for a record 11 weeks - thinking about it now makes my stomach turn.

The morning of September 11th started off the same as any that summer and it was all about me.  Me wondering if I was going to get a call from someone asking me to turn in my lap top; wondering if I was going to have to file for unemployment (unthinkable); worried that I would have to go back to finance/accounting and wondering if there would be room for me.  Seriously, it was all about me until Diane Sawyer gasped in horror.

In the hours that followed, there was such a hush in the busy neighborhood in Chicago that I lived in.  I traveled that following Sunday and was anxious.  The airport had this solemnity that I cannot describe and people eyeballed people of Indian or Pakistani descent suspiciously.  In the days that followed, it seemed that people we actually nicer to each other - especially in traffic and in long lines.  It was nice.

It's been 6 years since that terrible day and I still get a lump in my throat when I think about it.  In the 6 years since, I think people have (sadly) returned to a state of normalcy meaning people aren't as nice to each other as they used to be.  Although I think that if there were terrorist attacks on an airplane today people would be more apt to work together to thwart it, people really are less understanding about extra security measures that have been put in place.  There was that whole thing about breast milk on airplanes - remember?   I don't mind being delayed for a security reason.  I don't care so much if I have to wait to get to where I'm going - even if it means I have to wait to get HOME - I do care if I get there in one piece and safely. 

And then there's the war in Iraq.  I don't want to talk about whether I agree or disagree with what we're doing over there.  Whatever the opinion one holds, I think it's important to support the people who are serving there or supporting the effort at home.  Without these people we would not be able to enjoy the freedom that we do.  They are fighting for a belief and whether or not you agree with how the United States chooses to defend that belief, we owe the troops a big "Thank You".

Some things are better than they were 6 years ago and some things are worse, but one thing is for sure.  The belief that we are "safe" in the United States, in the suburbs, or anywhere is just not true.  In the end, we need to look out for each other because we're all in the same boat.

Go Big or Go Home, But Give Her a Break

I didn't get to watch the MTV Music Awards on Sunday because I was busy trying not to pop a vein over the moving crisis I am currently living.  On a moment of reckless abandon yesterday (because after all, I didn't even take time to eat), I decided to check out how Britney Spears did on her "comeback" performance for MTV.  I know that some of the reviews of her performance are less than good.

I watched the performance on MTV's website and it wasn't stellar and she didn't look like her "old self" but for a woman who has had more stress in her life than I've had recently - did I mention the moving hell that I am in - I didn't think she looked that bad.  What didn't look so great was her delivery.  Even though she didn't look all toned and buffed, she probably could have sold her performance if she looked more confident.  I mean, where is the "screw you" attitude that you often see from her when the Paparazzi come out to hunt her?

I'll admit that I am definitely NOT a Britney Spears fan and I think that her antics have been insane lately.  And, she's seemed to have made more than her fair share of parenting mistakes - at least that is the way that it seems from the tabloids who we all know tell NOTHING but the truth.  The fact that I am about to defend her now is a little strange, but I am going to defend her.

Seriously, people should just take a step back and give the girl a break.  Yes, her actions have been less than redeeming but watching the replay of her performance made me feel bad for her.  As a relatively new mother, I can honestly say that it is hard to find your way - to find yourself again.  Your body changes; people look and treat you differently; and there are more demands on your time, patience, and energy.  It's tougher when you have babies back to back.  At 30 something, it was hard for me to adjust - I'm still adjusting - nobody was watching my every move just waiting for me to screw up.

I agree that she's in the public eye and it's her job to sing and blah, blah, blah.  But, just because you're in the public eye, that doesn't mean that you belong to the public.  I agree that her antics have made her a target, but as a human and as a mother, you just have to feel bad for her.  I mean, really, give her a break.  That doesn't mean that her crazy antics can go on.  I really believe that Ms. Spears needs to pull herself together; I just know that it will be difficult for her to do given that she can't do anything in private.

I Survived the Weekend and All I Got Was a Headache

Nothing tests a marriage like moving, the birth of a child, decorating a home on your own, and anything related to money.  It's Monday morning and I was never so happy to get up to go to work as I was this morning.  Granted, I needed to get back to the condo to reconnect Internet service so that I could use it for a week - because it's getting reconnected at our place this Friday.  Still, it's up and running should I need to work early or late and don't want to feel unsafe working in the rented office I have.

This weekend was full of angst, yelling, headaches, and oh yeah - more yelling.  I've come to the realization that are given a lesson to learn and if you don't learn it, but live through it, you get that lesson again (and again and again).  From this experience I've learned that there are somethings that are best "outsourced" to a company outside of your family such as moving.  It's always best to hire movers even though your husband is convinced that he can do it.  This is so because after a 3 day weekend of moving, we are still not completely moved.

Yep - there are still things that need to be packed (mostly my fault because I left packing to my husband who was convinced that he could do it) and the storage area we have is still completely full.  On Saturday I finally put my foot down and hired movers to pick up the remainder of the items and the movers are scheduled to be at our place this coming weekend.  I am hoping that this will be the last of it because I honestly cannot take any more.

I lost it twice this weekend - once on Sunday morning and once Sunday afternoon.  Both times my husband looked at me like I was crazy and that there was nothing wrong.  Never mind that at the time we didn't have Alex's crib assembled and we were all sleeping in our king-sized bed, really the box springs with the mattress.  Never mind that we're eating with plastic utensils and paper plates that I thought to buy late at night on Saturday when we realized that while we were sitting down for dinner and didn't have anything to put dinner ON.

I am hoping that this morning I can take some time to organize my thoughts because on the way to work this morning I had an epiphany - something that usually takes place when I'm under a lot of stress.  That "ah-ha" moment unfortunately never really seems to take place at a time when I can just sit and pull myself together.

Remember When?

I like to look back on my life - not because it's so interesting but because I like to remember where I was years ago and I try to think positively about any "growth" that's happened to me throughout the years.  When I read some of my old posts (unfortunately the ones from my "PixyStix.com" days are gone and no longer retrievable) I start thinking "Remember when"

Cue the "Cherry Bomb" song by John Mellencamp or the "Glory Days" song by Bruce Springsteen.

The funny thing about reading old posts is that there are things that you've lived through that you thought were tough and years later you realize that they were MUCH tougher than you thought.  These are the posts that make you feel proud that you endured something.  Then, there are the posts where you come off as a whiny, sniveling idiot (most of mine) and you're a little embarrassed that you were such a baby.

My favorite posts are the ones where milestones in my life occurred and usually I didn't realize that they were really significant milestones.  Or, I didn't realize how these significant milestones would affect my life.  Case in point - being pregnant with your first child.  I thought that I could just strap that kid on my back and continue to do the things that I did before.  I never realized that I would have to re-evaluate who I was or that this whole "Mommy" identity would require me to actually act responsible.  Another example?  Making bad career moves.

I have made more than my fair share of those "bad" career moves.  I look at them now knowing that they weren't the best decisions and I hope that I have learned from them.  Actually, I can say that I have learned from them; I've become a little more tolerant even though my real-life friends still have to hear my angst about career decisions.  Yeah, I may not LOVE it, but I have learned to appreciate what I have which is a huge lesson for me.

I'm a lot of things in the posts that I write - whiny, funny, irritating, judge mental, happy, depressed, etc - but what amazes me the most is that I can be those things.  I like looking back because it reminds me (especially when things are not so good) that I've had some amazing moments in my life.

This Too Shall Pass - Maybe

Here is a great piece of advice: never say that things can never get worse.  Why?  Because it's not true - things can always get worse and a lot of times they usually do.  I firmly believe that all the crappy days that I've had in the past have been preparation for today - hands down the WORST DAY IN MY LIFE up until now.  I say "up until now" because I never know what tomorrow could bring.  The picture to the left is what I look like now (a la South Park) after the past week's events.

I took yesterday and today off because Nick started preschool yesterday morning, we've got this moving thing going on, and my normally logical husband decided that we shouldn't hire movers and that he and his brother would do the move.  What happened was that I ended up doing a training session for a potential customer Thursday morning and completely missed Nick's first day of school.  I was okay with giving up the first half of my day because if we do land this client, it could mean a nice check for me (read: a nice chunk of change to add to the boys' college fund).

But, by Thursday afternoon I was still working because another potential client who assured me over and over that they would not need an overview training session could figure out the application by themselves.  Seriously - I knew something like that was going to happen, but what could I do?  It's not like me to be rude to someone overtly.

After catching up on my voice mail messages, I find out that the management company that manages our soon-to-be-sold condo did not send the "paid in full" letter that I paid $100.00 for them to send to my attorney.  However, on the bright side, we have a closing date and the selling-our-condo-nightmare phase of my life seems to have an end date.  Apparently, the guy who owns the management company and who has done a crappy job with managing our condo building does not return phone calls.  I swear if this holds up our closing I am going to scream.

This morning, I'm trying to work on something for another potential client - yes, I am fully aware that I took today off - and the Internet craps out on me.  David returns from his latest round of loading the rental truck to tell me that the Comcast guy is downstairs disconnecting our service.  After screaming at David to run downstairs and tell the guy not to touch anything, I call the lovely people at Comcast.  I'm livid because (1) not only am I working on my day off but (2) I specifically called Comcast this morning at 6:30 am to make sure that they are not disconnecting our service.  It's 3:30 in the afternoon and I still have not received a call from the lovely folks at Comcast.

I haven't talked to David about how the move is going because after getting some surprise news that his older brother - who I'm not a big fan of - was going to be helping out even though David never asked him to help, I thought it best that I just let David think about how right I was that we hire movers and how idiotic his idea to veto me and try to move our stuff by himself was.  I'm not looking forward to the coming weeks and right now I am beyond angry.  I just wish I had a way to try to displace my anger because it's really eating away at me.  I suppose I can take comfort in knowing that this too shall pass - and that something worse will happen and make this day look not so bad after all.

There's Something Fishy Going On

I wrote about my extensive search for office space a couple of months ago.  With the exception of feeling a bit out of place and "old" - long story I don't want to get into - the office where I rent space is great.  I love the office manager, Catherine, and feel that I made the right decision when it came to renting space to work in.  Even when we move, I could have a home office but the boys have the run of the house making it nearly impossible to work from home.

Earlier this week, one of the other tenants (let's call him George) of the office building whose office is down the hall from mine discovered that his office was broken into.  There was no sign of forced entry and according to him, "whoever broke in either had a key or picked the lock."  His laptop was missing which was the only clue that something was wrong.  George was nice enough to walk down our hallway and warn people the his office had been burgled.  Luckily, nobody else's office seemed to be broken into.

What is so strange is that people along the same hallway have some really expensive stuff.  One guy has a couple of really nice iBooks and all of us have lap tops and/or iPods and iPod Players.  It's weird that this was the only guy whose office was broken into.  Trust me, I'm not jealous that my stuff is still where I left it on Friday and I'm sure that everyone else feels the same way about their stuff.  It just seems a little fishy and I wonder if the guy is being targeted.

Thankfully I don't leave my lap top or anything that I would miss in the office when I leave.  I'm very protective of things especially if they aren't mine (i.e., they belong to the company I work for).  I'm just hoping that something like this doesn't happen again or if it does happen again that I'm not physically here in the office.  Last thing I would want is to become a crime statistic.

Finally, a Chance to Write About a Google Search

I look at my stats regularly and I like looking at the page that referenced my site.  Usually they're normal sites, but every once in awhile there is a Google reference, meaning that someone did a search and my site was one of the results.  I'm not know for putting anything "dirty" on my site, although I may use a swear word or two.  Then again, I wouldn't exactly say that my site is rated "G" either.

But, when I looked at some of the pages that referenced my site on my stats page I noticed that one came from Google where someone did a search on "some chick having one massive orgasm"  It struck me as funny - not that someone in Australia found my site with that particular Google search, but that I actually could write about it.

A lot of the blogs that I read have talked about the funny searches that have turned up their pages and I always thought that was a fun topic to write about.  Unfortunately, my page never seemed to come up when strange searches were made.  Yeah, I come up if you type in nike run hit wonder Chicago 2007, but that isn't very interesting.  So, this morning I get to write about how a search with the words "massive orgasm" turns up my page.  I'm hoping that this isn't the high point to my day.

Sending Out Some Love to DC

Go here and see what moms in D.C. are up to.  Congrats to the contributors at the DC Metro Moms Blog.  I've loved contributing to Chicago Moms Blog and I'm sure the contributors at the new site will feel the same.

Seriously, go - shoo - get off my page and go see the DC Moms Blog.

Short Weeks Always Seem to Equal More Work

I love to work - it's crazy but true.  When I was working in consulting, I would get stir crazy when I was unassigned and would have to sit on the bench.  Some of my co-workers were really good at sitting on the bench because they reasoned that 1) we were still getting a full paycheck and 2) when we were on a project we would work a zillion hours.  In the end, it would all even out.

Still, being on the bench to me meant that there was a chance that I could get laid off and getting laid off is my own version of hell.  Luckily, that's never happened - knock on wood.  The thing about long weekends when I was in consulting and on a project was that they were just that - long.  I was the crazy who, by noon on the 3rd day off, was ready to go to work.  I mentally made lists of the things that I needed to accomplish during the shortened week and, spaz that I am, would get most of the stuff done before the first day of the shortened week ended.

For some reason Labor Day this year was not like that.  Here I am thinking that I really could have used another day off and I'm not quite sure why.  I think it maybe because I feel like I'm in some sort of strange "holding pattern".  We move this coming weekend and Nick starts preschool on Thursday of this week.  Add to that the fact that I have a training session that I need to lead for work and I'm a bit clueless on how it's going to go.  There's just a lot that seems to be going on.

For the most part we are packed, but there is still a lot to do.  I think that after the move on Friday when all our big items will be at the house we're renting from my aunt and uncle, I will have a better idea of what is left to do.  We don't close until the end of this month, so we have time which is the way I like it.  That mad scramble at the end of a given timeline is not something I enjoy so I work very hard to make sure that there is a fair amount of time should something go wrong.  But, for whatever reason this year's long Labor Day weekend makes it seem that I have less time to get more tasks accomplished.

Lots O' Traffic

Today I took a look at stats for my site and was shocked to see that I had over 200 page views yesterday.  I would love to think that the up-tick in page views was because people found my page so entertaining, but I know that probably isn't true.  What seems to be driving the increased traffic is because I write for the Chicago Moms Blog and my site is listed under my biography.

It's very cool for me to be included on a site such as Chicago Moms Blog and it sounds corny, but with being a contributor comes a lot of responsibility.  Responsibility in that I need to think twice about what it is I write.  I don't censor what I say; in fact, I just write what I think with the realization that someone may not agree with me and that's okay.  I cannot expect everyone to agree with what I think or what I write.  I also cannot expect everyone to like me because usually I write non-thoughtful, non-controversial and some people probably think I'm a ambivalent twit.  I know this because someone once told me this when I posted a comment on a photo community site about a photo that was posted as "Photo of the Week."

When I first read the comment that was written about my comment, I was a little insulted and sad.  It felt like being back in high school when some "popular" person made an off-handed dismissive comment.  But, then I realized that I really didn't care.  It's my opinion and I'm entitled to it.  I'm not worried that people may not agree with me or that they think I'm a twit.  After all, if people are going to think that they know me based on an article or opinion that I write on a website then they're the ones with issues - not me.

Someone Tell Me Where I Am and Where I'm Going

I'm writing this on Friday.  Yeah, yeah I know that this entry is posting on Sunday - a whole 2 days after I wrote it, but after the week I've had and the weeks ahead I think it makes sense to take advantage of Typepad functionality.  I love that I can write entries ahead of time and then schedule them to post.  After all, my life - lately - has become a series of events that need to be scheduled.  Ridiculous how complicated things have become lately.

I've spent the entire day updating training material for some training that I will be conducting in the next couple of weeks.  Add to that the time spent answering e-mail, scheduling on line meetings, answering the new sales rep's questions, and trying to figure out miscellaneous loose ends that need to be tied and you have what has become my day.

There is house closing stuff to take care of; one item which has weighed heavily on my mind after our wonderful (and I DO MEAN WONDERFUL) attorney brought it to my attention this week.  Something about a "land trust" being formed that names the condo building I live in as belonging to someone else.  Uh, yeah - it was not a happy thing to find out that someone decided to add my condo and a bunch my neighbors' condos into the legal description that made it seem as though that person owned said condos in the legal description.  It's confusing and irritating but because my attorney is awesome, not to mention someone I've known since I was 4 years old, he straightened the entire thing out for me.  I'm sure it was no small feat.

Then, there is the packing which doesn't seem to be progressing.  Part of me wonders if we aren't packing because we're using all the stuff that isn't packed or if I'm just woefully behind.  Granted, things like wedding china and assorted glassware can be packed, but it won't take me an entire day to do that.  I'm sure when the moving truck is rented and my husband and his brother load the truck and take away the large items, I will know what's left to be packed.

Nick is starting school this coming Thursday, but I won't be able to go with David to drop him off.  I'm sad, but it was an emergency thing at work and I fully plan to take advantage of the "but, I did work stuff on my day off" card when the time comes.  Not to mention, I will make sure that I won't be marked down as taking a FULL day off of work.

There are exciting times ahead, but what would make me feel more ready to face the challenges ahead is to finish up the sale of our place and settle into our new - rented - house.  The timing is such that things at work will be ramping up just as the sale of our place will be finished.  I just wish that the timing were different and that the house stuff finished sooner.  I cannot control the volume of work, but I'm kicking myself for not agreeing to close sooner.

I'm definitely in need of a road map or at least a very organized and massive "To Do" list.  The white board I'm using is NOT cutting it anymore!

I'd Love to Just Cry, But I Probably Would Never Stop

Wah, wah, wah - crying is for sissies I've been told, but all my life I have been a crier.  I cry when I'm happy; when I watch a sappy commercial or a sappy television show; and I've even cried during the shows where people are graduating.  I can't help it.  Lately, I've found that I'm unable to cry even when I want to.

Admittedly, crying seems to be a girl thing because guys never seem to need to just cry.  It used to be that I would just think of something sad and the waterworks would start to run, but it doesn't seem to be working.  I think it's because I have a lot on my plate and if I started crying I would probably never stop.  The problem with this is that it all builds up and when I do finally break down, it's a sobbing-shoulder-shaking kind of cry that ultimately gives me a headache.

Someone told me that crying to a girl was like having an orgasm to a guy.  This based on the "fact" that guys must have orgasms or it will all back up and they will die.  Seriously, that is what this person told me with a straight face.  And, if having orgasms is to a guy what crying is to a girl, then any moment now I am scheduled to drop dead because I cannot remember the last time I really cried.

I wish I could make myself cry right now.  I could cry about how fat and disgusting I feel or I could cry about how selling our home is still a pain in my a$$ (something about a land trust being formed that includes the land that our condo is on even though the title to our home is clearly in our names).  I could cry about how for the next 6 months I will be living out of a suitcase or how my work cell phone can't seem to get to me without having to send umpteen e-mails and calling a zillion people at UPS and at Sprint.

The list is long and drawn on the reasons I could cry.  I could cry because people are starving in Africa (never mind that there are people starving here in the U.S.A), that Britney Spears is a train wreck and is being reviewed by DCFS, or that someone somewhere cannot afford a descent pair of pointy-toed shoes.  But, if I started to try to make myself cry for all those types of reasons I would never stop.  In reality, I would just like it if I could cry because I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I think that reason would make the cry a lot shorter because it's hard to throw a long pitty party when you're the only one in attendance.