I've been thinking a lot about how I don't really like myself lately. I know that the people who read my journal are supportive, but before I get any "You're not terrible" type e-mail I want to say a few things.
I really don't like myself and it wasn't always this way. I started to (finally) come to terms with who I am and started to like myself around the late 1990s/early 2000s when I was in my late 20s. I felt like I finally came to terms with my childhood which really wasn't that bad. I felt like I finally was on the right track and had made the decision to change careers. I was working out regularly and felt good about myself.
Yes, I wrote journal entries about how I hated myself but overall I was at peace. I don't want to say that it was having kids that changed me and brought in the dark clouds of gloom because I love my children and I would NEVER, NEVER wish my life to be without them. But, having babies changes your life and how one chooses to deal with it sets the stage for who you are as a parent.
I am afraid that I have not chosen to deal with becoming a parent very well. I don't believe that I am the worst parent, but I've chosen a path that has led me to not like myself anymore. I don't take care of myself - I eat the wrong things, I don't work out, and yes, I yell at my children. The frustration level at time is through the roof and there are days when I wonder if I can get through another day. I'm frustrated, sad, and tired. And, even if I did have a day to myself or a week or a month I doubt that it would change anything.
Are there days when I think of "ending it all"? No, but I feel that I'm constantly living the same day over and over again and that there are merely degrees of suckiness. I've been told that these are the years when it isn't so fun but that it gets better. I believe when I'm told this because this past year has been much better than when we first had the boys. David and I have settled into roles and routines. Still, I'm left with the feeling that I could be better (a better person, mother, worker, wife, etc.).
I just want to get back to good.
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