Chicago Chick

Good-Bye 2007; Don't Let the Door Hit Ya in the A$$ on the Way Out

I'm stressing about going back to work the day after tomorrow and it's ridiculous, I know.  I should just enjoy today because the next 2 days will pass so quickly - kind of like the boys' first couple of years with us.  I tried to get up early to go to the gym, but I'm finding that I just don't have it in me.  Not sure exactly why, but I need to go because I think it will do a world of good for stress relief.

And, since I'm taking a look back at 2007, here is an end of the year meme:

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? Sold a house
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I tried to keep my resolutions this year, but failed miserably.  I will and have made resolutions for 2008, but will probably revise them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not that I know of, but there are 3 babies due the first half of 2008 from relatives or close friends.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully, no we all seemed to be healthy in 2007.
5. What would you like to have in 2008 that you did not in 2007? Peace of mind, less around the middle, stable housing situation, and NO job changes.
6. What was your biggest achievement of 2007? Ugh - surviving 2007 and not causing major damage to myself or my family.
7. What was your biggest failure? Letting someone close to me doubt myself which seemed to signal the beginning of the unhappy events of 2007.
8. Did you suffer illness or injury? Thankfully there were no major illnesses or injuries although Alex jumping on the bed and falling (and subsequent rush to the ER) was close enough.
9. What was the best thing you bought? I can't think of anything thus proving that you should think twice before you buy something because it probably isn't as good as you think it is when you first buy whatever it is you're spending your hard-earned cash on.
10. Whose behavior merited celebration? My husband - he has had a ridiculous amount of patience with me this year and has been so supportive!
11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Probably mine first because I could have handled the crappy things so much better.  And then a second would be the person who kept insisting that Nick had autism because that person should not have pulled the stunt that they did.
12. Where did most of your money go? Gawd - if I could answer that I would be a genius.  It's the same question that my husband asks me.
13. What did you really get excited about this year? Selling our place and moving.
14. Compared to this time of year are you happier or sadder (about the same) thinner or fatter (much fatter) richer or poorer (richer and wiser).
15. What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish I'd eaten less and spent more time exercising.
16. How did you spend Christmas last year? At my sister's house.
17. Did you fall in love in 2007? Yes - every day of 2007 when I would wake up and see my sons and husband.
18. How many one-night stands? Seriously?
19. What was your favorite TV Program? The Hills because my life is not as dramatic as I thought and Samantha Who?
20. What did you want and get? I got a new job and realized it wasn't what I wanted after all.
21. What did you want and not get? After March of 2007 things went downhill.  I'd started off 2007 with such high hopes and things just didn't get better.  But, for now things seemed to have stabilized.

I'm an optimist and I'm hoping that 2008 is better.  Well, at least I'm stronger and probably a little more prepared for 2008.

Running the Gauntlet

Dealing with my mother has always been like running the gauntlet.  It's worse now that I'm older and I understand things.  For example, I know how to buy and sell a house - David and I did it without their help.  And, I know how to do my taxes and invest my money although when I'm too lazy to do it I end up asking her for help.

Maybe that's the problem.  Because I'm trying to be a "good daughter" and include her in on our lives it gives her the idea that she can meddle.  I can't help but feel guilty in not including her in things and with the past year one would think that I'd have learned my lesson.  Old habits die hard and the idea of what makes a "good daughter" in my mind is hard to change.

I realize that my parents have done the very best that they can, but the one thing that they did not do so well is to instill a sense of self-confidence in any of the their children.  It's true and if you talk ask my sister, she would say the exact same thing.  If there is one thing that I want my boys to have is a proper amount of self-confidence and I know that it won't be an accident when they do have that.

I know that I should be thankful to have parents who are still around and who still want to be involved in my sons' lives.  And, I am.  I just wish that I could choose the amount of meddling.  Yeah, I know - it's an unrealistic wish.

How to Get Back to Good?

I've been thinking a lot about how I don't really like myself lately.  I know that the people who read my journal are supportive, but before I get any "You're not terrible" type e-mail I want to say a few things.

I really don't like myself and it wasn't always this way.  I started to (finally) come to terms with who I am and started to like myself around the late 1990s/early 2000s when I was in my late 20s.  I felt like I finally came to terms with my childhood which really wasn't that bad.  I felt like I finally was on the right track and had made the decision to change careers.  I was working out regularly and felt good about myself.

Yes, I wrote journal entries about how I hated myself but overall I was at peace.  I don't want to say that it was having kids that changed me and brought in the dark clouds of gloom because I love my children and I would NEVER, NEVER wish my life to be without them.  But, having babies changes your life and how one chooses to deal with it sets the stage for who you are as a parent.

I am afraid that I have not chosen to deal with becoming a parent very well.  I don't believe that I am the worst parent, but I've chosen a path that has led me to not like myself anymore.  I don't take care of myself - I eat the wrong things, I don't work out, and yes, I yell at my children.  The frustration level at time is through the roof and there are days when I wonder if I can get through another day.  I'm frustrated, sad, and tired.  And, even if I did have a day to myself or a week or a month I doubt that it would change anything.

Are there days when I think of "ending it all"?  No, but I feel that I'm constantly living the same day over and over again and that there are merely degrees of suckiness.  I've been told that these are the years when it isn't so fun but that it gets better.  I believe when I'm told this because this past year has been much better than when we first had the boys.  David and I have settled into roles and routines.  Still, I'm left with the feeling that I could be better (a better person, mother, worker, wife, etc.).

I just want to get back to good.

Happy Birthday to the Littlest One

Today is Alex's 2nd birthday.  David and I keep thinking that he is older than 2 because he's such a character.  We've survived the constant feeding, the learning to walk, and the counting and colors and shapes.  We're almost out of the "scary tantrum and head banging" phase.  We've survived the falling out of bed because I'm too stubborn to listen to you guys and not jump on the bed.  And, we've survived the first (and hopefully the last) trip to the emergency room.

I look at Alex and wonder how it is that the almost 10 pound baby we brought home not so long ago has become this laughing and active child.  Both Nick and Alex have grown up so fast and in the blink of an eye they've become these little people with definite likes, dislikes and their own personalities.  It's amazing how quickly time passes.

Sleepy Toddlers + Pushy Mother = Annoyed Irene

I love my family - my mother, father, and aunts - very very much but there are reasons why when you grow up you desperately should move out of the house.  We all went over to my sister's house for Christmas and the boys were tired.  The gathering started at 1:00 and when we arrived at 1:30 it wasn't even close to starting.  Nobody had eaten and my dad and aunts were still not there.

Around 2:30 we all started eating, but the boys were tired and grouchy and so was I.  My mother is of the generation that you force your children to eat.  And, since I was brought up by my mother and endured an eating disorder I've decided to go the opposite route from my mom.  I may be completely off base, but I don't think that making my sons cry and stuffing food down their throats is an effective way of getting them to eat.

Still, my mom insisted that I feed the boys.  I held my ground.  We opened presents but the boys were not interested in opening gifts.  Even the shiny new toys was not enough to get them interested.  Alex ended up crying and clinging to David while trying to fight sleep and Nick was running around the house dodging my mom's pleas for hugs.  Right after we opened presents we packed up the kids and drove home.

My mom was still insisting that Nick eat and was trying to persuade David and I to leave him with them.  I finally felt like a grown up when I put my foot down and said firmly but lovingly, "The boys are tired and they need to go home to sleep.  That's that and we will see you sometime this week."  I am sure there will come a time when I am older and the boys have their own families, I will be just as annoying as my mother is now.

Merry Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and all That!

May you and your family have a wonderful holiday season.  May Santa be kind; may the time with your family be stress free; and may you all remember how lucky we all are.  I know how fortunate I am to have family close by, a terrific husband, and 2 wonderful children.  My wish is that you all have a peaceful and happy time where the food is good and the laughter is plenty.

From our house to yours - Merry Christmas (happy holidays) to all and to all a good night!

Have Drill Bit (and Chipped Nails)

I put together a train set for my sons early yesterday morning.  I wrote about it on Chicago Moms Blog which I am woefully behind on posting.  Normally I post more than the required 2 times per month but this month has been crazy.

The package had "over 100 pieces" and "assembly required" on it and the box was over 50 pounds.  I think that maybe next year I will be a little more diligent about staying away from things that say "over 100 pieces".  But a little insanity; a heavy drill; 10 chipped fingernails; and 3 hours of work and the wooden train set was successfully assembled by little ole me.  Yep - all by myself.  I'm thinking of tackling Nick's bicycle and Alex's tricycle this afternoon if David doesn't beat me to it.

I'm proud that I'm not your run of the mill "girly girl".  I guess there are times that I wish that someone would take care of me, but in the end it's not so bad to be able to take care of yourself.  There is a bit of role-reversal going on in our home - there has been for the past 3 years - but I wouldn't know how else to live.  Maybe the day will come when someone will take care of me, but until that day comes I take comfort in being able to do it with my own two hands.  Hmmmn - I guess it really isn't with my own two hands because David lends two hands too.

Sugar and Guilt

There is too much sugar coursing through my veins.  There is too much sugar coursing through my sons' veins.  This holiday is very much about over doing the sugar.  It's not so much the food, but it's the sugar and I love me some sugar.

This holiday is also very much about me decompressing which includes not showering.  I've been lounging on the couch with the boys watching television and just being sloths.  The one thing about this holiday that I am loving is that Alex and I have bonded even more.  So much so that he hasn't had what we like to call "Daddy Tantrums" while David was out running errands.

It sounds very funny that at 2 years old Alex and I were bonding because it should have happened long before.  But things happen.  When Alex was born I felt ridiculously guilty that we had the boys so close together and felt terrible for Nick.  So, I spent a lot more time trying to make up for my guilt with Nick and probably didn't spend as much time with Alex.

It's not that I don't love my son both equally but being a parent has a lot of "feeling your way" in the beginning.  And, after 3 years I can look back and see the mistakes or misjudgments that I made.  I probably shouldn't have felt so guilty about not giving Nick a proper first year and I shouldn't have felt so guilty about not nursing them longer.  There are so many lessons that have been learned and I'm sure so many more left.  But, so far so good (knock on wood)./

No More Monekys Jumping On the Bed

Yesterday was an interesting day that started with Alex waking us up by throwing up.  Thursday night Alex was jumping on our bed which is higher than the average bed.  It's the last bastion of my "pre-children" life and was purchased the summer after David and I were married.  The bed is one that I just love - it has a cast iron head and foot board and is truly my first adult bed (a king sized one).

So back to Alex jumping on the bed.  I don't encourage the boys to jump on the bed unless I'm there and they're jumping in the middle of the bed.  Yes, I know that it's probably not the best idea but as a child I used to jump on my parents bed and I was never really hurt.  Kids jump on the bed; it's just something that is done.  Alex was jumping on the bed and I was walking to the other side where was jumping dangerously close to the edge.  I lounged to grab him just as he jumped too close to the edge and landed on the floor on his right side and banged his head.

There was crying and I was able to calm him down.  He went back to his normally cheerful self and we put him to bed.  He woke up around 1:00 the next morning throwing up.  David and I initially thought that it was the flu coming on but we quickly realized that it may have to do with the fall hours before.  After calling the pediatrician, we decided to take him to the emergency room.  Alex threw up again before we left, but seemed to be okay by the time we got to the ER.

Alex had a CT scan and everything turned out normal, but we didn't get home until 7:00 the next morning.  I ran to work to pick up some files so I could work from home and blearily worked on putting together a document that I needed to finish.  Overall, it was a day where I felt like the walking dead.  Alex is fine and is running around like nothing happened.  I wonder sometimes if this will be the way my life will go with us running to the ER once a year because the boys did something that active little boys do.  As David's grandmother always said, "Laughing leads to crying."

Slacking and I'm Sorry

I have been very busy - in a good way - at work and so I haven't had time to do post anything interesting.  Sorry, but please bear with me.  Any spare moment I've come across I've spent it printing Christmas presents for the aunts and grandparents.  For some strange reason, I thought it would be easier for me to assemble these cute little photo albums with the boys' pictures in them.

I did a pretty good job of taking pictures of the boys throughout 2007 - much to my surprise - and I thought it would be a great present (read: cheap) to print them out.  It turns out that it is less expensive and I'm sure they'll appreciate them more than a sweater or gift card.  However, if you were to put a price on my time, one would quickly see that these "inexpensive" albeit thoughtful presents are actually quite expensive.

I am hoping that I get a lot of "oohs" and "aahs" when the paper photo albums are opened, but I won't hold out much hope.  For some strange reason my sister seems to get the "oohs" and "aahs" when it comes to photos and thoughtful gifts.  Do I begrudge her that?  Nah - because what she does put together is really gorgeous.  But, I get tired of having my mother look at me like "Now why can't YOU do something like that?"  Seriously?  Does she not realize that I work outside the home?  Ahem; Bitter party of one?

I'm Just Sayin' . . .

At this moment, I would love nothing more than to just clock that gawdawful other consultant in the head with something heavy.  When you send out an e-mail with something to review and it isn't in the format that she wants to see it in, you get a lot of flack.  It's just annoying - I'm just saying.

Single Kid Minded

I had a conversation with someone - another parent - about how children change your life.  we talked about the challenges people (we) faced getting pregnant and how it was awful that there were parents out there who abused their kids.  I remember being told that we couldn't have them and I remember feeling so cheated and so angry because I knew that I would be a good parent.

While I was driving home I started thinking about how my life has changed since the boys came along.  Some of the change has been welcome and some of the change has been more difficult.  But, overall it's been good.

Never have I spoken so much about my kids at work.  Normally, I don't talk about them because I usually work with people who don't have kids.  I've always been proud that I've been able to keep my friends regardless of what "state" (i.e., married, single, kids, no kids) they're in.  But, lately I've found that I'm happier talking to people at work who have kids.  I'm not sure why; maybe because it's a common ground or an ice-breaker.

I'm finding that the people who don't have kids and are the same age or older than me have wildly different interests and I have a hard time relating to them.  I guess you could equate it to people who are rabid baseball fans who know every stat of every player on their favorite team.  For whatever reason, I cannot relate to them.

Does this mean that I will be talking about my kids all the time.  Absolutely NOT.  I'd like to think that I am more than one-dimensional.

Strange Dreams

I have been having some very strange dreams the past couple of nights.  It's probably the amount of stress that I've been under lately with work and home.  Usually, I have a lot going on but I haven't been this crazy in a long time.  When I say "this crazy" I mean the good kind of crazy and not the "my child may have autism; my job sucks royal rotten eggs; and my real estate agent is a bitch" kind of way.  So, the job is still a little rocky but it is is totally something that I can handle.

Still, there is enough stress to make me have strange dreams like the one I had the night before last where the entire project team that I am part of accompanied me to the local Costco and one of the team members wanted Oreo cookies.  Sadly, the Project Manager said that it wasn't in the project plan and we couldn't have them.  And the night before last, I went car shopping with an old co-worker who in real life sent me an e-mail to catch up.

So, it's not like the subjects of my dreams are that far off but it is disturbing to have your work life collide with the part of your day where you're supposed to be getting away from it all.  I've had dreams about school when I was in college - the kind where you're not ready for a final because you haven't been to class all semester and you haven't read any of the material or done any of the work.  I suppose the dreams I'm having are similar.  I'm just glad when I wake up that I find that I'm in my own bed, miles away from ANY of my co-workers!

No More Heartache and Disappointment?

We're rounding the corner to the end of 2007 and I've been pretty adamant about 2007 being a crappy year for us.  There's been nothing but drama this year - drama which I don't want to recap.  Nevermind the phone call the I had this evening with Comcast.  YES, AGAIN WITH THE COMCAST.  I don't want to go into it- whatever - I'm over Comcast.

The bright spot in 2008 is that we'll be moving out of the "temp house" (and no, Comcast, I'm not sure if we'll be taking you along).  But, the move coincides with a very busy part of the project that I am on.  Am I crabbing about work?  No - it's just that the timing of us closing on the new house and work schedules is crazy.  Work is fine - thanks for asking or wondering.

The project I am on is going to be an extremely challenging one and I've already had a couple of bad days since I started 8 business days ago.  I recognize that the challenges I'm facing are because I'm learning a great deal.  I just wonder if learning a lot always coinciding with great pain is a normal thing.  I look back on my short life and realize that in MY life, great amounts of learning does coincide with pain (heartache and disappointment).  But, in the end the amount of growth, personal and career, has been worth the heartache and disappointment.

I suppose wondering when all the heartache and disappointment will end comes with the answer that it will end when I stop learning or growing.  I don't ever want to live my life without learning or growing, so I suppose that I am stuck with it all.  That's fine - a life without feeling isn't really worth living.

Don't Discount What You Have

Late last week someone at work was debating whether or not one should put "CPA" on their resume.  I have no idea how it came up but the debate on whether or not your CPA designation could be taken away in the state of Illinois could be revoked.  Normally, I don't care about these things because I've always downplayed the fact that I passed that blasted CPA exam.  But as the discussion progressed, I began to wonder if that designation could be taken away from me.  My specific worry was that I didn't keep up with my continuing professional education or CPE credits.  I really started to worry and called a professor to find out what was what.  After speaking with someone at the state level, I was assured that my CPA designation could not be taken away as long as (1) I didn't do anything that would cause it to be revoked and that (2) I registered as a "registered CPA" on the state site.

So what is the point of this tale?  The point is that until I realized that something like my CPA designation could be taken away from me, I really downplayed the fact that I earned one.  I always thought of it as something nice to put on a resume but didn't think that it was all that important.  In the beginning it was more of a modesty mechanism for me to downplay it but it slowly became something that I wasn't very proud of (think "If I can do it anyone can" - it's nothing special).  In the end, the value that I didn't place on it made it ordinary until . . .

Until, I realized that there could be a chance that something I worked very hard for could be taken away.  This is the case with almost anything; we value either what we don't have or had (but was taken away or lost).  It's a shame but it is human nature.  The important things seem to get lost in the shuffle of everyday life and sadly it takes something like the threat of "it" being taken away or lost for us to appreciate it.  I have decided that I would try to cherish the things that I do have like my sons (hard won as getting pregnant was), my job (because I know that there are others out there that suck), and my husband (who watches over our kids while I'm away at work).   Value what you have and what you've worked hard for because it can be taken away at the blink of an eye.

"Life is a Daring Adventure or Nothing"- Helen Keller

When I was in my junior year at college my roommate and I talked about what it would be like after we graduated.  I remember talking about how I wanted to see the world and how I didn't just want to exist but I wanted to live.  That was 16 years ago and I wonder if I've done more than just live.  I think I would have to say that there were years that I was merely existing and living day to day, but there were years when I felt so alive.

So what are the things that made me feel so alive?  Traveling all over the world right out of college for my first job was amazing.  And, although I didn't always enjoy it I can honestly say that those years were I felt like I was really living life.  Then there were the years when I was trying to change careers and getting an advanced degree.  They may not have been the happiest years, but they were definitely exciting and fulfilling ones.

But, the years where I was pregnant were probably the years where I really felt I wasn't just existing.  Even though the times in my life where I felt most alive were times that I was probably the most unhappy or uncomfortable, I can say that those were the moments in my life where I did most of my growing.  Maybe it's safe to say, at least for me, that great personal growth comes with great challenges.

So, am I merely existing?  No - I would say that I'm living.  I look back on my junior year in college and I remember feeling like I was ready to take on the world once I graduated.  As the years go by and the more challenges I live through, I realize that I still have a lot more to learn.

Que Sera Sera

When I was little, the song "Que Sera Sera" was a song that I heard a lot.  I'm not sure if it was played a lot on the radio or if it was a song that my parents and aunties liked.  Whatever the reason for it playing, every time I hear it - which isn't often - I think about sitting in my aunt's apartment on Paulina Street in Chicago.  It reminds me of my favorite Christmas dress which was a sleeveless, fuzzy red and green number with a white pom pom belt.

In the project room where all of us on the project are sitting there is a Magic 8 Ball along with various desk toys like stress balls and silly putty.  Every day someone picks up the Magic 8 Ball and asks it a question.  It's not that anyone thinks that the Magic 8 Ball can tell the future or what will happen.  Instead it has to do with the thought that it's right as many times as it's wrong.  If ones future could be told based on the answers that a toy can give, I am sure that there would be a run on them.

There are times when I really wish that I could see the future - just a glimpse.  I would want to know how my sons would turn out; if I would be around to see them grow up, go to college, and get married; and what our lives would be like in 5, 10, and 15 years from now.  There are definitely things that I wouldn't want to know like when or how I (or anyone in my family) was going to die.  I've heard people say that they don't want to know any part of the future, but I don't know how you can NOT want to take a peek given a chance.

A Response: On Being Difficult

Mary Anne, someone who reads my journal kind of regularly posted a comment on yesterday's entry.  And, since it's out there for public consumption, I didn't think she would mind if I wrote a post on it - she's cool like that.  Here is the comment she wrote:

"Wow.  Okay.  I don't want to burst anyone's bubble in here and not to offend...but I do see a pattern.  If you get into an argument/disagreement or whathaveyou at your workplace and it has caused you to leave your job once, than I can understand that.  But if it happens multiple times within the year, don't you stop and wonder maybe that it's not the people you work with, but yourself?

I just had to bring this up. I just came back from a seminar in LA on Monday and the subject taught was called "how to work with difficult people."

Just wanted to throw my opinion out there. People tend to comment with words of comfort and I just wanted to let you know how it is."

I agree that a lot of the comments are comforting which I appreciate and Mary Anne's comment did not offend me.  See, the first person I blame when something doesn't go well is myself.  I always wonder if it's something that I've done and even when it's clear (at least it's clear to other people) that it's not me I still think it's me.  I wrote a response to Mary Anne that said pretty much that.

If you read my journal regularly, you'll notice that I do switch jobs - a lot (or more than your average bear).  But in this past year, I left a job in consulting for a job in sales.  The job in sales didn't work out because the company I worked for got our health benefits suspended for non payment.  Since I'm the breadwinner and the one who provides benefits, I didn't see the need to stay at a company where health benefits were not to be counted on.  There was no disagreement or argument that caused me to leave this job.

I left for what I thought was a job in a consulting company, but turned out to be somewhat of an interim staffing company.  I spent 8 hours a day copying information from a report and pasting it into a spreadsheet and I did the work they asked without complaining or saying anything.  My co-workers, company managers, Executive Staff and I got along famously until the day I gave notice.  There wasn't any conflict or disagreement there until AFTER I gave notice. 

And, today I am working for a consulting company that has placed me at a company where another consultant from a different company decided to give me a verbal thrashing in front of everyone in the project war room.  My response to the "discussion"?  I explained to her my point of view and went on with my day.  Am I leaving the current company - NO WAY IN HELL.  Well, at least not in the next couple of years.

The trouble I have and what usually causes me to job hop is this: I look for an opportunity because I'm usually bored with my job (or I'm on the bench).  I end up finding an opportunity and taking it based on what people tell me the job will be.  If it doesn't seem like it's going to pan out for me, I'm not one to sit and do my time - I leave.  Does this make me difficult to work with?  I don't think so.  If you are going to take a job based on promises made to you by a company representative (e.g., you'll have health benefits, or you WON'T be copying and pasting) then I think that those things need to be delivered on.  I have worked with my fair share of difficult people (haven't I Mama Eye) and I'm usually not one of the difficult ones.  I'm just saying . . .

One of the Lucky Ones

Yesterday I was getting a headache from over analyzing the part of the project that I was responsible for.  Plus, I was really starting to feel unproductive which I hate.  I ended up sitting with the person who bit my head off and worked on having a productive conversation with her.  It wasn't easy; she was a bit condescending and overbearing, but in the end I was glad that I did it.  I at least have a clearer picture of things and in the end, I only "wasted" a day by spinning my wheels.

I am trying to remember that work is only one component of my life and it shouldn't define me.  I say that knowing that I don't believe that completely.  I can't help it; until recently I've put my whole effort into my career and it's hard to just flip a switch and turn it off.  I know that even the most driven people who have decided to become stay at home parents sometimes miss work every once in a while.

I am learning to appreciate little things like the sweet smell of Alex's breath when he's asleep or Nick's perfect cupid bow lips.  I love hearing them laugh and love seeing them smile.  And, I absolutely cannot wait until they open their Christmas presents.  I swear that I am probably more excited than they are.  Things get to be too much sometimes and I just need to remember that in the end, I am one of the lucky ones.

Not Shaking It Off Very Well

I can't sleep.  I was having trouble sleeping before but after yesterday not only am I'm having trouble falling asleep but I'm having difficulties staying asleep.  The self doubt that has crept in is making me crazy and it isn't only because one of the other consultants handed my head on a platter to me in front of the entire team.  A lot of the self doubt was there before that; yesterday's event just added fuel to the fire.

The changes in the past year have really put a dent in any self confidence that I had and I'm angry at myself that I've let life affect me this way.  Crap happens to everyone and the crap that's happened to me is minor compared to the changes that could have taken place.  It's like when you watch reality shows that are based on competition like "America's Next Top Model" and one of the contestants starts off fine but someone in the house gets into their head.

Okay, maybe that's not the best example but you get my drift.  I have no idea what this person's motivation was for attacking me in the way that she did - given that yesterday was my SECOND on the job.  In the end, it's not for me to figure out why she's such a bitch but to actually do my job and deliver what needs to be done.  I just hate that I'm letting this all interrupt my sleep and need to shake it off.

I'm not regretting my decision to leave the other job and I know that I'm working for the right company (thanks for asking Misty).  Unfortunately this situation is one of those things in consulting.  My confidence has taken a beating with the changes and decisions I've made this year.  It's been tough, but I'll get through it.