Chicago Chick

What Will People Think?

I'm sure you've heard it growing up and it was ridiculously prevalent at school.  The thought, "what will people think" plays a prominent role in almost every teenager's life.  It's like the moment you hit puberty or at least become aware of what people think of you (the court of public opinion), that sentence plays in your head over and over.  "What will people think?"

And, if you grow wiser as you grow older you realize that it doesn't matter what people think.  In my case, I was in my 20s when I learned that it didn't really matter to me what people thought - well, at least it didn't matter as much.  I don't think it was so much that I grew wiser, but more tired.  What with all the extra responsibility a full time job held and the rigors of everyday life not to mention the weekends with my friends, I was just too exhausted to really pay attention to what people thought of me.  Besides, by the time I was in my late 20s I had really gotten to know myself and like myself.

Then I had children and for whatever reason that made me start to care again what people thought.  Because what people thought could affect whether or not I had a job and was able to take care of my family financially.  What people thought made me *think* I was a good or bad parent and what people thought could hurt my family.  All of a sudden, I didn't really like who I was based on what people thought.  Ridiculous?  Yes and no.

Public opinion is important to some extent.  Like it or not, how people judge us affects the way that they treat us.  This became perfectly clear when I was dealing with Nick's first preschool - and I don't think we'll be returning for kindergarten or grade school to that place any time soon.  People will judge and that's a fact of life; you don't have to like it but you do have to deal with it.  I would love to say that I don't care what people think, but to some extent I do - all of us do because if we didn't then we'd probably all run around without our clothes on.

But, make no mistake about it.  To do things based solely on how people will react or judge you is wrong.  It should be about doing what is right.  Not always a popular and easy choice.

Learning a Little Self-Respect

After a conversation with the "Weenie" and then talking to someone on the project team on the client side, I realized that the lesson I needed to (re)learn was one of self respect.  It dawned on me on my walk to the parking lot that self respect is not something that I have in spades.  Regardless if the "Weenie" who has all the control (what with being the client) cannot or will not take a stand and talk to my nemisis consultant who has become the project manager, I need to stand up for myself.

It's likely that my firm may pull me off of this project because the other consultant (who has now become the project manager) cannot seem to treat me with the common courtesy and level of respect that you would extend to the average human being.  I am lucky that my company doesn't treat its employees like common cattle.  If I do continue on this project, it will be my choice and I know now that the self respect that I finally remembered I had, will cause me to push back on being treated like dirt.

I was brought up in a family where a strong work ethic was and is something that is valued.  The thought that if you worked hard enough, you could accomplish anything.  A good work ethic is a great thing to have and so is pride in the work that you do.  But, if you combine that with the belief that you're worth less than the average person and that you must constantly earn respect, then you get someone like me.  Someone who blames themselves for things that may not necessarily be within their control.

I don't mind working hard; actually I enjoy it.  But, people tend to exploit that.  I've been pretty lucky and it's only been a handful of very selfish people who have taken advantage of that fact.  I think it's high time that I put my money where my mouth is.  I've always said that you should have the courage of your convictions and that you should always stand up for yourself.  Normally I do, but for some reason I seemed to forget how to do that lately.

If You Don't Acknowledge it, it Ceases to Exist

There are some things going on with work that will probably impact me.  Good or bad, whatever the outcome, I have to believe that whatever happens is not my fault and is probably political in nature.  I'm thinking that if I don't acknowledge it, then it won't be real - the "ignore it and it will go away" approach.  Not the best approach, but probably the best in this case.

I spoke with the CIO of the client and she and I have always gotten along.  She gave me some advice that didn't make sense until this week.  She told me that when things go awry it's important to ask yourself if (1) the situation is turning you into someone you don't like and/or (2) will it all be worth it if you stick it out.  And the answers to these questions for me are (1) No - I hate who I am turning into and (2) No - it probably won't be worth it although I can be convinced otherwise.

The thing about tough times is that you always come out the other end (if you've survived) a changed - and hopefully better - person.  But I also believe that if you don't learn the lesson you were supposed to the first time, you usually get the lesson all over again meaning that if you quit and run away before the lesson is learned, chances are that you will be put in the same situation over again.  In my case, I think it really boils down to self-respect and I have learned that I really don't have as much as I should.

Until now.  Today I feel like I've made progress on gaining some self-respect and the willingness to stand up for myself instead of just sitting there and taking it or - worse - running away.  I can honestly say that the issues I've had at work I've faced head on.  But now it seems that the outcome may be out of my control and in the hands of those who are playing a political game.  So be it - at least I didn't run away.

Small Steps = Big Changes (Hopefully)

January's practically over and I have yet to do anything with my New Year's Resolutions.  I could blame it on a ton of things like a new job and challenges of the new job, but that would be a complete lie.  The reason I haven't gotten to the gym as much as I'd like or made homemade meals for the boys is simply that I'm lazy (in reference to the gym) and I'm completely unorganized (in reference to the homemade meals).

So, instead of beating myself up and doing the "woe is me" song and dance I decided to pick myself up and dust myself off and start all over again.  Isn't that a line from a song or something?  In either case, my fitness goal for this week is merely to get to the gym and my cooking goal for this week is to make dinner twice.  There's small goals, but when you're starting from zero I think (at least in my case) that it makes sense to start small.

I did make it to the gym this morning and I've already picked out something I want to make this week for dinner.  I'm hoping that starting out small this week will help me make big changes.  In the long run, I'm hoping that small changes will lead to having some sort of stability to hang on to when the big $h!t hits the fan with work or with moving.  We'll see - I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

Trying Out a New Tradition

Around Christmastime, David purchased a very expensive Amercan Traders toboggan - it's 8 feet in length and is beautifully made.  When he told me what the price was I almost choked, but when it came I saw that it was made of wood and looked to be one of those toboggans that would last for generations.  Seriously, it does look that way.  David's idea was to start a family tradition.  One that included a day of sledding and then sipping hot chocolate.

Being a city kid, I have remarkable memories of sledding with my brother and friends at a nearby River Park.  Okay so maybe it wasn't the largest hill that we could have played on and an 8 foot toboggan would probably be waaaay too big to use, but still - I have those happy childhood memories.

Apparently David didn't have those types of happy childhood memories.  He says that his dad would drive them to the hill, let them do their thing, and then come back to pick them up.  Somehow it isn't a surprise to me that his parents would be that way, but not everyone can have the young-at-heart parents that I seemed to have.  Actually, my aunts and uncles are all pretty much the same and I'm sure that my cousins have the same crazy memories of their parents going down the hill on their sleds.  Seriously, my side of the family is pretty fun.

So David, in his quest to be a better parent, decided that we would have wonderful family memories on this toboggan.  Somehow he forgot to look for a hill to sled down ahead of time and we spent an hour in the car driving around Waukegan road with the boys complaining and David swearing up and down that there was a hill somewhere.  We ended up going to some woods nearby and it wasn't a total loss.  I have to give David credit for trying to be more hands on than his parents were with him and an hour in the car driving around and finally ending up at a forest preserve less than 10 minutes away was worth it.

The boys had a wonderful time and since the toboggan was so large, both of them could lay on it and look up at the sky.  Yes, it's hokey but it was nice.

The Little Lies We Tell Ourselves

I had to renew my driver's license recently because there was a change in address.  The funny thing about driver's licenses and other such ids is that there's always this moment when you realize that there will be a picture taken.  I say funny because I think it's strictly a woman thing to get "gussied" up for a picture - any picture - even an id picture.

When I walked up to the counter, the man behind it asked me if I had any changes to the information.  I told him that everything was current except for the address to which he smiled politely.  I could see that he kinda smirked a little when he turned around to get something and it was that "I've been down this road before and I'm not going to tell you to update your weight because I don't want you to come across the counter and smack me" kind of smirk.  Had he told me that, I would have maybe added some weight to what was listed on my driver's license but he didn't so I didn't.

I wonder how many people have the correct height and weight on their driver's licenses and how far off they are from the truth.  It's a white lie I know.  I mean the coroner isn't going to go by what's listed on your driver's license if you die and it's not like anyone really expects it to be the truth.  But, really is it just wishful thinking on our parts?  Maybe next year when I have to get my license renewed I will actually weigh what it says on my driver's license or maybe I'll just fess up and have them put "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS" on it.

Seeing it Come Around - Maybe

People say that what comes around goes around and yesterday I may have witnessed a little of the come-uppance.  The Weenie was a bit jumpy and irritable when he came down to the project room in the afternoon.  Apparently he must be feeling a bit of the strain and it isn't the strain that has been caused by anyone else but him.  There were documents that needed to be reviewed a month or two ago that he just never did and when he was pressed for comments on them, he had to admit that he didn't read them.  I think he got crap for that.

When he did get around to reading them, there must have been something missing because he raised his voice at one of the other consultants.  Normally, I try not to delight in people's misery.  Who am I kidding - I usually feel bad for people when things go wrong even when they're people that have made life a little hard on me.  This time is no exception - I feel bad for him - but there is a piece of me that is happy that I was around to see a little of it come around to him.

The politics at a company is something that I never really liked.  I don't like to play the political game and instead would rather concentrate my efforts on doing a great job.  One of the reasons I like consulting so much (besides the fact that you're constantly learning) is that you are somewhat exempt from the politics at the client.  But, sometimes it's difficult to avoid the politics and I am still learning how to deal with it when I am faced with it from the client.  Was yesterday a good day because Weenie-Boy was having a bad day?  No, but it restored my faith in the adage that what comes around goes around.

God, He's SUCH a Weenie

I actually said the words, "GOD, he's such a weenie!" and it doesn't make me happy that I said that.  It makes me as happy as the day that I used the term "pissing match", but I did say it.  Granted, I didn't say it to that person's face but I said it.  I meant it in a way that resembles the male appendage, but don't use those terms at work.

Would you call me unprofessional?  No, because my actions have consistently taken the high road and it's not like I haven't run across this before.  After all, I have been on enough projects where the lead consulting firm wants to extinguish all other consultants from rival firm and put one of their own on the project.  I hated it when I was part of the lead consulting firm and someone who was a victim of circumstance was asked to leave and I'm definitely not liking it when I'm the one who is being targeted.

Still, I've consistently asked the person who I've dubbed "The Weenie" how I can change the perceptions of people saying what they've been saying (namely HIM), but I don't get an answer.  It's frustrating to want to fix something but the person who is saying it's broken won't give you a clue as how to fix it.  Gah!  God, he's SUCH a weenie!

Dreading the Week

After last week, I am dreading the coming week.  I know that's a terrible attitude to have, but it's the one I have this blissful Sunday morning.  I didn't talk about what happened last week, but suffice it to say that my nemesis has become the project manager and I can only imagine that it will get worse.  If I get kicked off this project - much to the discontentment of some of my project teammates who work for the client - I can leave knowing that I did the very best I could and that my leaving was political in nature.

Am I sure that I'm going to get kicked off the project?  No I'm not sure, but I am sure that if it DOES happen, that it will be the first time in all of my working career for something this "terrible" to happen.  And, in the grand scheme of things it isn't the worst thing that could happen.  Any time I am on a project, or change jobs, or have a change in my life I always know that it's for a reason and this time it's no different.

I know that I am on this project for a reason whether it is to learn to confront people who are unhappy with me; to learn that work should not define me (a lesson I seem to get over and over again); to make new work contacts; or to realize that even though I try and I am competent that people aren't always going to feel that way about me.  I hate life lessons but they're inevitable.  I wish my life were like a situation comedy on television where I have an issue and within 30 minutes or so, the issue has been resolved.  And along the way, I have some fun or bond with someone; maybe there's a laugh track or two.

But, I know that life is not like that and I cannot avoid these "lessons" I keep getting.  The good thing is - because there always IS a good thing - that I'm still learning and I still have a terrific family.  Nobody has been maimed, killed, or with serious injury.  There is nothing that has been done that cannot be undone or forgotten and in the end, that's better than having issues resolved in 30 minutes - complete with laugh track.

Snot, Snot, Everywhere!

The boys (David and Nick) have colds and it was bad enough that I stayed home from work today to take care of Nick.  Having a sick child to take care of while you're sick yourself is a chore and I know that David could use all the help he could get.  I have to say that being a stay at home parent when kids are sick is a tough and I mean   T O U G H job.  I have no idea how people do this and it's times like these that make me thankful that I normally have a place to go to during the week days.

There are times when I wish that I were the stay at home parent because I feel like I miss out on so much with the boys.  I know that David would love to trade places with me and given the opportunity I would definitely trade.  At work, I get to talk to adults and I get out of the house but then again, the adults that I deal don't act like adults a lot of the time.  It's also tough because no matter what you do, the people at work aren't going to be thankful.

And yes I know that the boys aren't always brimming with gratitude for David and all the things that he does, but he does get the satisfaction of getting to know the boys.  I'm sure that he doesn't realize how lucky he is just as I don't always realize how lucky I am.

It's a Juggling Act

We're moving forward with purchasing a house - one with a yard, a fence, and a basement.  Although I've been through this process before, I've forgotten how much coordination it takes.  There are loan papers and personal information to send out to the mortgage company; there are appraisers to talk to; moving to coordinate; and so on.  In the meantime, I'm working on a project where lately I've felt like I've been drowning.  Okay, maybe drowning isn't a good word - it's more like spinning my wheels.  But, at the end of the day I've found that I don't think about work.

That's right - by the time I leave the parking lot I've focused on other things.  I think it's because I have a lot to do outside of work, but I'm hoping that it means that I compartmentalize my life better.  There are a lot of career things that I'm concerned about but that stuff has been prioritized after the kids, buying a house, and current work stuff.

I wonder if it's all going to come crashing down.  I mean the things you don't plan for but know you should, usually come back to bite you in the ass.  At least, they do for me.  But right now I don't have time to address the career stuff with all that's going on.  Somehow it all works out and I am finding that to worry is counter-productive and a waste of energy.

When You Want to Tell Everyone to Just F@#$-Off

Yesterday was the beginning of my fifth week on my project and I'm crossing my fingers that it will be a good week.  I'm refusing to believe any indication that it won't be although events that have happened so far (all before 11:00 on Monday) could lead one to believe that this week will be crappy.

Part of me is wishing that I get pulled off the project.  Although it wouldn't be great to be on the bench unassigned, it would probaby add a little strength to my mental state.  Do I want to turn tail and run?  No, not by my own valition.  Am I going to sabatoge myself on this project - Nope.  I'm just annoyed and right now I question everything - what the color of the sky is and what month we're in.

And, in spite of how I feel I still believe that my job is the one that is the best for me.  How can this be?  Because I cannot imagine myself doing anything else where I would be happy.  And, even though I'm not exactly happy in my present situation, I know that it is not permanent.  I am planning that when this is all over, I will have delivered what I was supposed to for the client and that an ERP project will be there for me to work on.  In the end, all one in an unhappy situation really has is hope.

Learning to Decompress

I was determined to enjoy my weekend with the boys this weekend and canceled any appointments that I had this weekend.  Nick, Alex, David, and I had a good time this weekend which means that laundry didn't get done and the house is a mess, but the end result was a fun weekend.  Even if the house is a mess I wouldn't change a thing about this weekend.

On Saturday we went to The Choo Choo Restaurant which is thankfully close by.  The restaurant has a S-gauge electric train deliver your order to you and the boys just loved it.  Nick, the picky eater, ate an entire grilled cheese sandwich, an order of french fries, and a cup cake.  And, the grilled cheese sandwich was eaten BEFORE any dessert was consumed.

When I was a kid I always loved to build forts made out of bedsheets and the living room furniture.  I don't think that I've given up on that because secretly I cannot wait until the boys are a little older and we can build blanket forts in our living room.  Last night we slept on the sleeper sofa in the living room and the boys were over the moon for it.  I know that they won't be able to resist my grand plan for a blanket fort this summer!

Today we went went to the Museum of Science and Industry.  Nick and Alex followed directions and didn't run off which made the visit that much more fun.  We even stopped to pick up a couple of those molded plastic trains - the kind that we used to get as kids and the smell of melted plastic brought me back.  Of course, I could have sworn that when we were kids the things were made out of wax and not plastic.  I think I still have my blue dolphin from the Shedd Aquarium.

It's fun weekends that make me want to find more fun things to do with the boys.  When we first had them it was hard to find fun things because they were stroller bound and lugging around a stroller for 2 kids was so cumbersome.  Plus, they are more active and they tell us what they're thinking when we go to the museums and zoos.  I always knew being a parent was cool, but it's even more cool lately.

They Say It's Your Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday and normally I don't like telling anyone that it is my birthday.  I don't like saying that it's my birthday not because I care about getting older but because I hate the fuss that's made.  When people say it's their birthday it almost seems as though they want people to make a fuss.

I'm finding that as I get older birthdays don't mean nearly as much as they used to.  I suppose that this is because the "milestone" birthdays are few and far between as you get older.  After the 30th birthday, the next milestone birthday is 40 and then every 10 years thereafter.  When you're a child, there are a slew of birthdays that are special.

Lately it's become a celebration that I survive a work week.  When I was in college, I was proud that I was able to survive a weekend.  My how the definition of success changes as you get older.  I am sure that there will be days that I am proud I survived at all.  When that happens, I hope I will look back on these days and not regret a thing.

Lesson For the Week: Don't Doubt Yourself

Yesterday was not a good day.  For the first time in the years that I've worked in consulting, the client (I should say someone from a rival consulting firm on the same project) has made me aware that they've "lost confidence"in my ability to do the job I was hired to do.  Yes, Mama Eye I'm talking about work and I said I wouldn't but I am.

Do I think that they should be concerned?  Yes and no.  Yes because throughout the 4 weeks that I've been on this project I've gone from being told that my approach was wrong (by the consultant from the other firm) and then presenting her approach to being told by the decision makers that the approach I presented (her approach) is wrong.

In the end, the original approach I wanted to use is the one that we're going with.  But, nobody seems to get that.  I'm frustrated and my self confidence is not being helped by all of this.  But, I'll get through; I know it's a learning experience.  I just find humor in that I'm right back where I was 3 weeks ago and feel like I've lost face in the eyes of the client.

There really is no choice but to keep going and I don't say that glumly.  I realize that where I am now and the situation I am in is a huge step up from where I was with the last job (and even the two before that).  So, no - I'm not turning tail and running because I know that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Time Flies

This week has been completely crazy and it's only Wednesday.  After last week's work activities and a conference call where I used the term "pissing match", this week seemed to get better.  Yesterday went better than I'd hoped for and I'm praying that the rest of the week goes well.

I cannot believe that today is Wednesday, but then again time flies when you're paddling like mad to keep your head above water.  On the way home last night after yet another 12 hour day at work, I realized how people could have the need to separate work from home life.  When I woke up yesterday and looked at my boys' sleeping faces, I realized that I hadn't seen them awake in 24 hours and it made me feel sad.

On the way home last night I looked forward to seeing Nick and Alex (and David of course) and hoped that the boys would be awake when I got there.  They were - and the reception I got made me never want to leave home again.  Nick and Alex were so happy to see me and I was tackled at the door with hugs.  What was so surprising was how much they seemed to have grown in the span of 48 hours.

This year is already so busy; the next 5 months are going to be insane.  The silver lining with 2007 that I realize now is that the tough things we went through in 2007 only make it easier for me to live through the craziness that will be the first half of this year.  It's a good crazy, but it's still crazy.

So Sick of Myself

We're one full week into 2008 and already I'm sick of myself.  I'm sick of this pity party that I've been trying to pull myself out of for a long time.  I'm sick of second guessing myself and wondering how I'm going to get through whatever situation I think I've gotten myself into.  At some point in time, I just need to suck it up already.

I couldn't sleep again last night and got up to watch some mindless television that I recorded.  Instead of watching a show, I sat on the couch and just enjoyed the silence.  I realized that my life is busy - but no busier than the next person.  I admitted that I was tired and worn out - but probably no more tired and worn out than the next person.

Plus, if I could just get off my a$$ and go walk on the treadmill for a half an hour each day I probably wouldn't feel so tired.  Life wears one out but it wears everyone out.  I think maybe the trick is to realize that life is what you make it and really, I have a choice whether to make the best of the situation I'm in.  And more importantly, the situation I'm in is not a bad one at all.

I just need to follow the instructions that I give my boys when they fall or trip.  I tell them: "Just shake it off!"

Excellent Intentions

This morning I got up at the crack of dawn - actually BEFORE the crack of dawn - to go to the gym.  What's amazing is not that I actually got up, but that I got up after a terrible night of practically no sleep.

So, what was keeping me up this time?  The 3 year old who lives in our house decided that he needed to eat after putting his pajamas on then again after he brushed his teeth and then again after his teeth were brushed again.  On top of that, at 4:30 this morning he decided that he wanted yet another glass of milk which again led to a third tooth brushing.

The 2 year old also decided that a night of no sleep was in order and at 4:55 am decided that he wanted a different pair of pajamas on.  I swear that these guys know when I need to get up early because they pull stuff like this.

Even though I was woken up early and didn't actually get to bed until midnight, I got dressed and went to the gym.  Yes folks, I braved the crazy subzero weather this morning and made it to the gym a whole 5 minutes before it was scheduled to open.  I then waited another 20 minutes for the place to open before I decided that whoever it was that was supposed to show up wasn't going to make it.

Call me crazy but I thought that the day after New Year's Day was one of the busiest work out days.  But, there was nobody - except me and another guy - in the parking lot.  I decided that I would just throw in the towel for this morning and try again this evening.  I'm praying that my day isn't off to a bad start.