Chicago Chick

Somewhere, Someone Has Peace - Please Share it With Me!

Yesterday I took some dramatic action in order to take control of at least one part of my life.  I decided to sign up at the gym to join a weight-loss program.  It was expensive and will cut into my "Irene Clothing Fund".  The way I see it, if I keep letting myself go I will have to spend every cent of my clothing fund just to buy clothes large enough to keep my fat a$$ covered up.

I felt great signing up for the program and even as I type this I'm excited to start, but you wouldn't have guessed that when I got home from the gym yesterday.  David and I made dinner and then I went on a bitching rant like no other.  There were dirty dishes everywhere and the kitchen island that I had done an excellent job of cleaning a few days ago was covered in crap.  It was crap that David piled on the island while he was "cleaning" the other rooms in the house.

I love my family very VERY much and I've lived with my husband for 13 years.  My husband has ALWAYS been one of those guys who piles things on any clean surface that he sees and calls this "cleaning".  I call it piling crap on a clean surface - the exact opposite of cleaning.  So, I pretty much threw a tantrum; things were flying off that kitchen island into the garbage can and I was yelling at the hubster.  I think I said, "I cannot believe that I've put up with this crap for 17 years!"

I fully believe that this crazy behavior is due partly to the fact that it's that time, but mostly because I really haven't taken care of myself and I'm feeling crappy.  As a result, I've got the equivalent of a carrot up my butt and I'm taking it out on everyone else.  I find it reassuring that somebody, somewhere has found peace of mind and I'm sure that sometime, someday it will be my turn.

Feeling the Squeeze

There are things that you cannot buy more of - time, money, love (TRUE love).  Right now I wish I could buy some peace of mind because I'm feeling very VERY stressed out.  Since David and I decided that he should stay home with the boys instead of putting them in daycare, it's been a squeeze at home.  The boys are getting older and that means school tuition.  One of the things that I will not compromise on is their education and I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out how to save for their college fund as well as fund their preschools.  Seriously, even the park district preschool costs something.

We will be okay, but I worry about the future and retirement too.  I worry that we won't be able to retire or take care of ourselves if, god-forbid, I lose my job.  Yeah, I worried about that stuff before we had the boys and even before I reached my 30s, but now the worry seems much more real.   

So what touched this fit of worry of on a weekend when I'm supposed to be enjoying NOT working?  I'm eligible for my company's 401K and I received the paperwork to contribute.  It touched off a budgeting frenzy that I've been trying to avoid; I know that I need to contribute to my 401K and I have some already set aside from my previous employers.  However, the amount that I can save without having to get a second job doesn't seem like much.  Yes, yes - I know that a little of something is better than nothing, but still it's worrisome.

After spending the bulk of this morning putting together a spreadsheet and reviewing what we need to pay each month, my stomach started to churn.  It was that terrible feeling of worry that I hate.  I suppose on the plus side, I should be happy that David is home with the boys and that even though we're squeezed I know that they are with someone that loves them as much as I do.

What a Difference a Year Makes

A year ago, the turmoil in my life which seemed to come out of nowhere started.  It was the beginning of putting our house on the market; looking for a new house; dealing with the autism witch-hunt; and the huge fall out with someone very important in my life.  March 2007 was the beginning of a very tough year.  Things weren't easy before March 2007 because we had a 2 year old and a 1 year old but after the events of March 2007, things seemed nearly impossible.  By April I really thought that I would not survive another month - it was maddening.

And, now I look back on all that happened and I have to say that I truly cannot believe we made it through that period intact.  Usually I would look back and say that it wasn't that bad and maybe I'm still too close to the events, but it was hands down the WORST experience in my life.  I'm glad we survived as a family - but I cannot help but see how profoundly those events have changed me - especially the fall out with the person very important in my life.  Things are much better with that person now and it's almost like the fall out never happened.  But, I'm different.

I'm less sure of myself in the decisions that I make - personally and professionally.  I'm less sure of myself, in general, and it will be tough to build that back up again.  After all, the events of what happened to begin the roller coaster ride a mere 12 months ago, should never have happened.  But they did and we're okay.  As a family we are better than okay and in the end, isn't that all that matters?

Guilty For Feeling This Way

Lately I have spent a lot - and I mean A LOT of time with my family.  I love my husband and boys dearly but, honestly, they are making me
C - R - A - Z - Y!  It's almost like a smothering feeling that supersedes even the worst asthma attack I've ever had.  In saying this, I cannot help but feel like a terrible mother; what mother wouldn't WANT to spend time with their kids.

The older child was sick for a couple of weeks, then I was sick (and on the bench) and was at home for 2 weeks straight.  Plus, there was the move and all of that has made him whiny and clingy.  To top it off, his schedule for school has been thrown off and now he cries when he knows it's time for school.  Children are a mystery to me because this is the same boy who would get all excited upon hearing that he was getting dressed for school.

I suppose it is all a balancing act - trying to be a good parent but managing to keep your identity; loving your children properly but recognizing that you're human and that they'll occasionally get on your nerves.  I seriously think I told David that the oldest one was, "tap-dancing on my last nerve."  And, I am sure that I did more than my fair share of yelling (I'm a yeller - what can I say).  It doesn't help that lately we've been spending the majority of our time together in the same house with moving boxes taking up A LOT of space.

The thing that makes me feel guiltier than guilty is that come this morning, I was happy to go to work and get away from the boys (and man) in my life.  David and I have been getting on each other's nerves too.  So much so that if I hear one more thing about how we should load the forks and spoons in the dishwasher tine and bowl side up I am going to lose it completely!

An Easter Like None Other

This has been an interesting Easter so far.  Easter for me has traditionally been a holiday that I spend with my extended family, but this Easter my parents and aunts are in another state; my sister is holed up at home with a new baby; my brother is living in another state; my sister in-law and niece are doing nothing; and my nephew is in the military in Virginia.  For the first time that I can remember, my family is not getting together for Easter.

Oddly enough, David has not made any noise about spending Easter with his parents.  It figures that the first holiday that my family isn't doing Easter together that David isn't interested in doing Easter with his family.  I think that this is a sign of times to come because my parents were the ones that made sure that we all got together.  This year we're just scattered and busy and whatnot.  We're in a time of flux with parents moving out of state; my sister just having a daughter; and us getting settled into the new place.

I am hoping that the coming holiday will not be like this and if we're settled into the new house, I will make sure that isn't the case.  Today will be filled with Easter mass and Easter baskets, but other than that the day will be like any other Sunday.  Besides, I have another closet to organize. * sigh *

Broken Nails and Bruised Hands

In my quest to be organized, we decided that an investment in closet organizers from The Container Store.  It started innocently enough and this past Sunday we purchased them and picked them up.  On Monday, David installed the top track from which the main brackets hang from and later that evening - after work - I started putting the closet together.

It was a simple design with double hanging rods and 4 pull out drawers in the middle.  Looking at the design that was created one would think that it would take at most an hour or so to assemble.  Looks are deceiving because it it took me 2 whole days to assemble the closet, mainly because we ended up using the drawing as instructions.  I'm not sure if that's the way you're supposed to do it, but that was pretty much the only instructions we received with our stuff.

After 2 days, I have ONE of the two closets assembled and have a bruised hand (don't ask) and a couple of broken nails to show for it.  That and a beautiful closet that is ready for our clothes.  I started putting some of our clothes in the closet and realized that the closet doesn't match our clothes, meaning that the clothes hanging on wire hangers makes the closet look awful.

Where Did All This Stuff Come From?

One advantage (or disadvantage) there is to living in a house owned by relatives is that your move to a new house can be spread over more than one day.  I say it's an advantage because there's less stress, but it's also a disadvantage because sometimes the motivation to keep moving your crap out wanes.  I take that back about the stress; you don't want to piss off your generous relatives so there's stress about that.

I think David had finished moving all of our stuff out of the old house.  At least I hope he's finished because there is so much crap in our new house that the kitchen island is covered with stuff.  I have no idea where we're going to put this stuff and I am sure that most of it will end up in the garbage, but just looking at it I have no idea where to start.

I've been taking the train into work for the past couple of days instead of working from home.  I'm not trying to avoid sorting through the crap that has followed me, but instead have things to do where I need to meet with other people.  After the first day in the office it wasn't hard to figure out the personalities and the group dynamics of the practice I am in.  And no matter what your personality or what your role in the group is, we all agree on the same thing.  Moving stinks and you should throw away things you don't use or need.  According to one of my cohorts, "If you're not going to die with it, then don't buy it 'cuz ya don't need it!"  Well said.

Scattered

I'm so scattered - scattered in the fact I can see the zillion of little things (and big things) that I need to accomplish and I have no idea where to start.  People who know me think that I am organized and to some extent I am, but I'm an overachiever and unless I feel like I've truly got a handle on things I feel very scattered.  When I feel this way, the best way I can ground myself is to make "To Do" lists.  Mama Eye, who I worked with for years, knows how I get unless I have one of my "To Do" lists.

So today the first thing on my "To Do" list is to make a proper "To Do" list.  Funny, huh?  No, seriously having that "To Do" list gives me a plan to start from.  I think that it's funny that the awful project manager at the client where I last worked said that I didn't have any project management skills.  First of all, I have managed projects for clients but second of all, I am one of those crazy people that needs a project plan ("To Do" list) to function.

Maybe I feel a little off because we're living out of boxes again.  The happy thing is that it will probably take us less than 6 months - the amount of time we lived in the Temp House - to settle in and we won't have to pack up and move again (hopefully).  Life is good and even though I feel scattered into a zillion little pieces, I should remember that.

Am I Going to Get a Bath Today

It's nearly 5:00 pm on this lovely Saturday and I've managed to accomplish only 2 of the things on my list.  Granted those 2 things are items that were scheduled for 7:45 and 8:30 am and since then I have accomplished nada on my list.  Okay, so maybe today wasn't a complete loss because the blinds we ordered from Empire came and were installed.  I originally thought it would be a little wonky to order the blinds from them, but their service is actually very good and their prices are good too.  The blinds are beautiful.

We also got the locks changed in the house and the boys have been fed and are napping.  Then, there is the fact that I took the time to set up 3 Skype accounts and then set up the the webcams and tested them to see which one was better.  I also typed up e-mail instructions for my ma and sent them to her and then walked her through setting up the forwarding feature of her old e-mail address to her new one.  All of these items were not on my list of things to do.  The first item on my list of things to do was to take a shower which I haven't gotten to yet.  Maybe I'll get one tomorrow.

I'd Like to Be 16 Years Old Again

When I was 16 years old, I was really, REALLY organized and disciplined.  Papers were written long before they were due; homework was completed the day it was assigned; and I had a handle on my life.  Okay, so when you're 16 you don't have a lot of things to juggle or at least not as much as I have now.  Still I think that there are times when I wish I were that 16 year old again.  I'd like to have the body back too, but that's much tougher than wanting to be as put together as I was way back then.

It's amazing the things that I could accomplish back then and I also spent 90 minutes getting dressed in the morning.  It was the big hair days and I needed time to tease, curl, and shellac the hair.  Plus, I ironed (yes, I said IRONED) my clothes every morning.  AND, I made it to school early enough to hang out with my girl friends.

The thing about those times is not that I had so little to be responsible for but I didn't procrastinate.  And now I procrastinate a lot; I try to avoid the unpleasant things that I don't feel like doing.  These days I have to be "motivated" to do things and it's sad.  I fully intended on doing our taxes early this year, but I held out until early this morning at like 4:00 am.  It only took me an hour or so to complete because - thankfully - I had all my paperwork in order but still I was scrambling at 4:00 am.

Every once in awhile I see a glimmer of that girl who was so put together and I wonder where she went.  I'd like to have her back - or at least parts of her.  At 16 years old, I may have been very disciplined, but I certainly wasn't patient or very happy.  The truth is that (and I'm afraid to say this out loud else I jinx myself) I am actually happy with my life.  It isn't perfect but it's very full.

Ugh - You STILL Suck!

I spoke too soon - the Comcast transition did NOT go well.  We received a bill yesterday and were overcharged a little over $100.00.  We were charged a new service installation fee and a fee for cable.  Uh - we don't even HAVE cable service.  Seriously, it's ridiculous.  The last straw would be for me NOT to get the over billing credit that the customer service representative said I would be getting.  Never mind that I entered my phone number into their automated customer service system THREE times or that I waited for 5 minutes to speak to a live person or that when I did speak to the live person, she asked for my phone number AGAIN.

But I swear if the credit isn't applied to my account and I see it on my next month's bill my head will explode and Comcast and I will surely be through.  Yes, fine folks Comcast will be dead to me!  I wonder if Direct TV offers Internet service.  Hmmmm. . .

Could Luck Be Smiling On Me?

Today I was able to plug in our wireless router and * POOF * I had Internet service.  Yesterday the Direct TV guy came and the boys were able to watch 15 minutes of a PBS Kids show.  Unfortunately, I didn't get a good night's sleep last night because I was able to sit on the couch and watch TV.  I'm thinking that my reasons for not sleeping well are due to the fact that I cannot shut my mind off.  Then I decided to watch TV to try to go to sleep and end up watching something interesting.  The result is that I'm awake until 3:00 am - not good.

Still, the events of the past week have been scary - scary in a good sense.  I say scary because things are looking better everyday.  Remember the post about moving that I wrote this past September?  Picture the exact opposite of that move where things go ridiculously smoothly, don't cost as much as I expected, and as of day 2 of the move most of the boxes have been cleared or unpacked.  As of 2:00 the day of the move the beds were put together and the boys were fitfully napping on them.  As of day 2 of the move, all the china and crystal have been washed and put into the china cabinet; the cable is up and running; and a lot of extra stuff has been put away.

Then there are the cats - yes, we have cats (THREE of them).  With every move 2 of the 3 cats are out of their skulls for weeks on end.  With this move, only 1 is even slightly bothered.  The boys are eating and sleeping on their regular routine even though our move spanned the "Spring forward" time change.  With all the good stuff happening, which is a welcome contrast from the last time we moved or closed on our house, I am afraid that something not so great will happen to counter balance it.  But, I suppose I can think of all the good stuff as payback for the crappy stuff that's happened in the past year.

Clutter, Clutter Everywhere

Can I tell you wonderful folks about the restful night sleep I got for the first time in a zilllion years?  I'm not sure if it's because I was so exhausted from moving or from dealing with either boy's tantrums.  But, who cares because I slept through the entire night without so much as a trip to the loo.

Then there's the clutter which I surely would have tripped on if I attampted to go to the bathroom.  Subconsciously I must have known that.  The one thing that sucked about sleeping so well last night was the dream I had about the nightmare client.  Yep, after posting about them yesterday, they have seeped into my head.

Everything's Better With a Little "Verve"

The movers just finished unloading the moving van and the majority of our stuff is in the new house.  All done in less than 3 hours and I'm sure this time we'll have our beds ready to go in time for nap time.  Still there is a lot of UNpacking to do.

I was able to check e-mail even though I'm at the Temp House with no Internet.  Thankfully we have Internet at the new place.  And yes, the transfer of Comcast service went okay; I can't sat it was flawlessly because I haven't been able to use it yet.

Today as I was finishing up with last minute packing I received an e-mail from my manager. 
It was an e-mail that he forwarded from the first Project Manager on the project where I asked to be rolled off.  D, the first Project Manager said that he really enjoyed working with me and would hire me again.  He said that he "enjoyed my honesty and verve."

So in the end even though it was a terrible project for me and I felt like a total failure, I guess it wasn't a TOTAL loss.  Plus, dude - I've got verve - verve, man - I've got verve.

Afraid of Spring

The weather in Chicago has become more spring-like.  The snow is melting and the temperatures are a little warmer.  Or maybe it's just because I've been sick and I'm fatter than ever that I think it's warmer.  I dread spring - not because of asthma and allergy season but because it's this time of year when I think, "crap - I am STILL fat."

I suppose that I can cut myself some slack that I've been sick for the past 2 weeks, but realistically I probably wouldn't have gone to the gym even if I weren't sick.  I honestly don't know WHY I don't go to the gym more regularly and take better care of myself.

I'd like to think it was because I was too busy with the kids, husband, but I know that is only maybe 10% of the cause.  It's because I'm lazy, yes lazy.  There was a time when I did go to the gym regularly and I did take better care of myself but I'm not sure what changed that.

So, what to do; what to do?  I have no idea because right now I can't seem to think without having to deal with the haze of fog and mucus that has invaded my head.  Yeah, I'm sure that is just another excuse.

Day Ten of This Crap

Today is officially day 10 (or so) of this cold that I cannot seem to shake.  I suppose I should be happy that it hasn't turned into bronchitis as it usually does, but I have not been sick like this in a long, LONG time.  I'm teetering between the common cold and some sort of viral thing.  One minute I have a fever and a few minutes later my temperature is back to "normal" only to spike up again an hour or so later.  I never knew that a body could produce so much snot and I will be happy when I stop feeling this way.

I keep waking up every morning hoping that I start to feel better and every day (so far) I've been disappointed.  A couple of days ago I was so annoyed with feeling this way that I started crying.  Now is not the best time for me to be sick.  I need every ounce of energy to start packing and I hate packing.  There are also rooms to paint and kid activities to plan for the summer.  I just want to get to the point where I don't feel winded or break into a coughing fit when I walk up a couple of stairs.  Is that too much to ask for?

Personality - I'm a Chatterbox

I took the What Kind of Intelligence do You Have Quiz that was on Amy's blog and found out that I'm a chatterbox.  Definitely not a huge surprise.

Your Dominant Intelligence is Interpersonal Intelligence

You shine in your ability to relate to and understand others. Good at seeing others' points of view, you get how people think and feel. You have an uncanny ability to sense true feelings, intentions, and motivations. A natural born leader, you are great at teaching and mediating conflict. You would make a good counselor, salesperson, politician, or business person.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Hanging On To My Optimistic Tendancies

I've begun the process of scheduling the transfer of services such as Comcast and Direct TV from the Temp house to the new house and I'm a little worried.  Worried because the Comcast transfer 6 months ago was a complete mess.  I say complete mess because it disrupted my ability to work and at the time I was in sales and depended on my Comcast Internet to work properly.  I lost a week and a half of time (it felt like a month so).  To top it off, the billing issues that I had - because they changed the account number on me and didn't tell me - were not resolved until December 2007/this past January.

Direct TV had a much smoother transition and it made me wish that they offered high-speed Internet.  For now we're going with Comcast for the Internet, but I've already gotten quotes for competing services.  I consider myself an optimist but in this case I've already been burned more than once and want to be prepared.

David finally has seen what I meant about hiring movers and has done some work getting quotes from a couple of local moving companies.  I think he sees how awful trying to move yourself while trying to take care of 2 toddlers is.  Plus, the quotes he received were much lower than he thought and even gives him some spare cash from the budget number that we agreed on.

I'm hoping that this move goes much smoother, but I'm still aiming low with my expectations.  It's sad that is the case but I've come to learn that I shouldn't expect commodity services such as Internet to have stellar customer service.

New Masthead, Same Old Contents

You'll notice that I've changed the masthead on my site.  After more than 5 years of having the same header, I thought that it was time for a change.  Plus, I was looking through some pictures and came across the one that you see at the top.  I really liked the olive and purple colors - so totally unlike something that I'd like - and thought that it would make a good color combination for my site.

That doesn't mean that I won't go back to the old Chicago skyline silhouette.  But for now, I'm happy with the little masthead I created.  Truthfully, I thought that it would be a good starting point to redesign my life.  Yes, I know that it's a silly thought because my blog doesn't have that much of a prominence in my life - it's something that I just do.  Instead of writing my thoughts down with pen and paper, which is something I've done since I was 9 years old, I type it out.  It's quicker and typing keeps pace with my thoughts.

Being sick has afforded me some time to be a slug and has given me time to think things over.  Things like I don't like the turn my life has taken and how much I'd like to "fix" some things.  And now that we've closed on the house and we'll be moving to our permanent digs very soon I'd like to start with a clean slate.