Chicago Chick

Focusing

Yesterday after I wrote that bleak outlook of a post, I realized that there are things that I let go by the wayside because I've been obsessed with what's been going on at work.  Actually, I started letting things really slide when the camp episode happened.  Maybe it was the excuse I was looking for to let my life start to spin out of control.

Honestly, I think that sometimes things start going well and I think I don't deserve it and I somehow create drama and sabotage my life.  It's a recurring thing - always has been, but hopefully will end now that I've copped to it.  So yes, I let things slide like working out and eating right; planning fun family events; and just enjoying my family and my good fortune.  But today I am thinking that I need to pull it together.  I need to start going back to the gym and getting back into that routine that I was so happy with.  There is a lot of summer left and I need to plan fun family events like visiting the Morton Arboretum and the National Railroad Museum.

My 3 year old will be turning 4 at the end of August and there is much planning that needs to be done for his birthday party.  Last year we canceled it because we were in the midst of packing and moving.  This year, I want to have a big to-do because little kids should have big to-dos on their birthdays!  So, there are a lot of things to do - things that have NOTHING to do with work!

Down Came the Rain

It's Sunday evening and it's been raining all day.  I really, really don't want to go to work tomorrow.  It was a really bad week last week and I'm not sure if I can handle this coming week even though it's a short week.  There are some big decisions that I need to make and I'm not relishing making them.  I truly thought that a great opportunity was coming my way - and it was - but because the company I work for seems to believe in involuntary servitude, well the opportunity has died.

I'm honestly hoping that I'm wrong when it comes to my outlook for the coming week.  I would love more than anything to have a wonderful week where things go smoothly and I don't feel like I'm doing the most terrible job in the world.  Today as I was snuggling the oldest boy I was thinking about how truly lucky I am and that work is - well - just that.  Work is nothing more than a job.

But along with that thought came the thought that times could get even tougher and I could be without a job.  I haven't truly worried about anything in a long time because once I start down the worrying path, I remind myself that nothing productive comes from worrying.  But, for the first time in a long time I allowed myself to get wrapped up in the worry.  Yeah, not a great choice for me to make at the time.  So now I'm in "I must protect my career" mode and I plan on taking action.  I'm just not quite sure what form that action will take.

'Twas a Rough Week

It's hard to believe that the last post I wrote was at the beginning of this week.  This week wasn't fun at all and midway through it I was wishing that it was over.  I spent a day in Minnesota doing a sales presentation and most of the week feeling as though I wasn't doing my job well at all.  In this past week, I begged my boss to fire me; saw a passenger late for his flight pound on a closed door to - amazingly - be let on the plane; and lost a job that was never really mine to begin with.

I also worked a 13 hour day and cried three times in the span of 4 hours.  It was a full week and one of those that I'm glad that I survived and would be happy NEVER to repeat.  Today I attended my third sewing class at my new favorite place, The Needle Shop and made a pair of pajama pants for my husband.  You'll be glad to know that I guessed the right size and they fit him perfectly.

I'm glad that next week is a short week and the week after I am using my vacation time to hang out with my sons.  The older one has a week of Chicago Botanic Garden and I'm looking forward to hanging out with him.  Even though this past week was tough, I'm glad that I have my boys to balance the craziness of life.

How Rude!

It was my first day back at work and on the train.  I had forgotten what it was like during the summers with a lot of "non-regulars" riding the train.  This morning the train was packed and the only seat available was the one where a guy had put his bag.

When I asked if anyone was sitting there he pretended to ignore me, but I'm one of those "take no prisoners" kind of people when it comes to people who think that a seat is a place to put your shit.  So I tapped him on the shoulder and politely asked, "Is there anyone sitting there?".

The guy was clearly sitting with his family because the college-aged girl rolled her eyes at me and gave me this "ugh whatever" look.  But seriously, if you are going to bring your entire family down to the city with you on the train, then don't use the seat next to you as a place to put your bag - especially not during rush hour.  Ugh, whatever!

Gray Skies Ahead

Tomorrow I return to work.  It's Sunday and as expected, I'm bummed.  I don't think it has to do with the fact that I have to go back to work but more that now I have to deal with the "real life" I actually was able to leave behind.  The horrible project that I was on prior to my current project is rearing its ugly head.  Not because the previous client is making my life difficult but because things at my company - my practice in particular - are a feeling the pinch of the tough times.

There were lay-offs in my practice and my name came up.  Nevermind that I am on a client that I found myself and that I'm billing at a rate twice what my company pays me.  But my name came up because I was labeled a "trouble maker" - * sigh *.  Maybe I am a trouble maker because I won't sit and put up with crap that is non-essential crap.  I'm not good with putting up with something if it means that the product I will deliver is less than acceptable.  If that is the case, then I guess I am a "trouble maker."

Then, there is the fact that my manager is not happy at my current company.  His practice is pretty much being dismantled and he has yet to get the sales support he needs to bring in projects.  Actually, all the projects that have come in to our practice have been through previous relationships from the consultants; none of them have come in through sales.  Pitiful.  But, all this means that things at my current company are uncomfortable.

It was so nice to have the past week off even if most of my stuff on my "To Do" list didn't get done.  The boys and I hung out and napped; we went on pony rides and I got to take them to their summer classes; I also had the chance to hang out with my sister and her kids a little.  It was nice and even though it was rough going at times, it made me realize how much I really want to be home.  It's hard work - harder than going to the office - but at least you're doing something for yourself and your family.  Yeah, yeah the paycheck is something for my family but it's not the same.

Crafty as I Can Be

Last Saturday I took a class on how to sew a tote bag.  It was really fun and I was so proud of myself with the finished piece.  I even made a second one the next day and it turned out pretty good although not as nice as the original one I made.

I've been a regular crafty chick since I took the first sewing class in late May.  I have another sewing class this weekend - the Pajama Bottom class.  After 3 classes, I will be able to sew pillows, tote bags, and pajama bottoms - but I cannot seem to sew in a straight line.  I'm sure that will come with practice.

And, I'm hooked on the sewing thing.  I'm hoping that I get better with practice and that maybe one day I'll be able to use patterns to make the boys' clothing.  I'd love to be able to sew the boys first suits.

Perpetual Headache

My head has been throbbing for the past 3 or so days - funny that it coincides with the time that I've taken off (vacation day 1 = headache day 1).  I'm sure that vacation has nothing to do with the headache and instead it is more allergy related.  Still, it's hard to enjoy having time off when your head feels like it's going to explode into a zillion pieces.

I've been pretty good about NOT checking e-mail and concentrating on just enjoying hanging out with the boys.  Today the boys and I hung out at the park; one of the park district classes is a play date type of affair every week at different parks.  My sister brought my nephew and the new baby along and I got to hold her for the very first time.  The baby is 4 months old and because I've been sick or their household has been sick, I haven't been able to hold the baby until now.

For the most part, the bigger stuff on my "To Do" list is not done.  But, Jeez it's only Wednesday!  I'm hoping to get the chalkboard up in the boys room before the end of the week.

Day 2 and I'm Still Alive

It's towards the end of day 2 of my vacation and I'm still alive.  I haven't accomplished as much as I would have liked, but who cares - I'm on "vacation" right?  I did put the littlest one's bed together and last night David and I slept in the beds.  The boys couldn't stand to sleep in their new beds in their newly painted blue room all by themselves just yet.

We also started trying to potty train our soon to be 4 year old.  I really thought that this was going to be easier, but it's not.  For some reason - probably because he's used to being in water (swimming and the back yard kiddie pool), being wet doesn't bother him as much.  I know that eventually he'll get it, but I feel like I will be spending the entire summer changing diapers.  And, I honestly feel like by 4 years old a child should be potty trained - please don't tell me that everyone learns at their own pace because if I hear that one more time, I will SCREAMMMMMM!

I can tell that I am not a stay at home parent because my fuse is really short.  I think I've used the term, "tap dancing on my last nerve" at least a hundred times today although I didn't say it TO my children - I did say it ABOUT them.  They're rambunctious and I know that is normal, but somehow I don't think it would kill them to pick something - anything - up and put it away once in awhile.  Is this what it's like to have boys?  It probably wouldn't be much better if I had boys.

And yes, I am aware that it will probably get harder when they get older and become surly teen-agers.  It wasn't that long ago, or at least didn't seem that long ago, that I was a surly teen-ager myself.  I remember that my parents didn't know anything; that nobody understood the way I felt; and that I couldn't wait to grow up and live in the "real world".  It's funny how when we're older and out in the "real world" we sometimes long for the ignorance - er innocence - of our youth.

It's Not Really a Vacation

I took the next week off from work to take the littlest one to a 2 hour day camp - parents attend the camp with their kids.  I planned this way back when snow hadn't even hit the ground yet and I'm glad I did because the spaces filled up so quickly that if I wanted to sign either son up for another week, I wouldn't be able to.  The oldest one's turn is in a couple of weeks, so I have another round of vacation that I took.

Even though I took the time off of work that doesn't mean that I will be resting.  No, I won't be doing work related stuff, but there are a ton of things that I want to accomplish at home.  Once again I have a "to do" list - what would life with me be like without that "to do" list.

Here's a little look-see into my to do list:

• Laundry: Do all the laundry
• Assemble the littlest one's bed
• Put up the chalkboard in the boys' room
• Paint the vestibule by the main bathroom
• Go to the Jelly Belly factory for a tour
• Take the boys for a pony ride

Honestly, I don't think that is too much to do especially since the day camp events are first thing in the morning.  My oldest still has some park district events to attend 3 days this week, but those are also in the morning so we'll have time to hang out and do some of the fun things on my list.

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Pissed Off Mother

Go here to read about my oldest son's first (and last) day at camp.  It wasn't pretty. but I learned a valuable lesson.  And no matter what people close to me have made me feel about my parenting abilities, I know that the episode tells me that I'm a better mother than I thought I was.  I just didn't believe it myself and stupidly decided to doubt myself.

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Pissed Off Mother (Extended Post)

*** Originally posted on Chicago Mom's Blog ***

It's taken me a little time to pull myself together and decide to write about my 3 year old's first day camp experience.  I can be unreasonable and angry which tends to throw my judgment completely off, but now that it's been a couple of days I think I can write this with a clear head.  My 3 year old attended a nearby preschool and enjoyed it very much; my husband and I love, love his preschool teachers and think that they do an excellent job.  I need to say this because the day camp that I signed my son up for is run by the same place as the preschool and I want to make it perfectly clear that it is NOT my son's preschool teachers that I am upset with - nor am I upset with the person who is in charge of running the day camp.

So the story goes like this: my son missed the first day of day camp and my husband dropped him off on the second day.  The room that the campers were in was the exact room that my son had preschool in and there is only ONE door that you can enter and exit from.  David, my husband, saw that my oldest son was settled into a game of cars with another child, scooped up my youngest son, and walked out the door.  The door leads to a large lobby and then to TWO sets of double doors.  David walked through the lobby and through the first set of double doors.  When he turned around to push the second set of double doors open and the first set of double doors closed, he realized that my oldest son was in the lobby by the first set of double doors and that they had closed in front of him.

There was no camp counselor to be found trailing my oldest son as he sat there in the lobby of the building staring at my husband and my husband staring back at him in disbelief.  You can imagine the rest as my husband took my oldest son to the front desk, asked for the day camp director, and then proceeded to explain what just happened.  I thank God that it was my husband who was there to deal with it because my head would have exploded and the ground would have swallowed up the entire building if that happened to me.

To her credit, the director handled it exactly as I would have expected and she handled it well.  When I was told what happened - on the way home from work on the train 8 hours later - I called the director and spoke to her.  I explained that I would be taking my son out of the day camp and I expected a full refund which she agreed to and completely understood.  Am I upset at the camp director?  No, but I am upset that they decided to staff a toddler day camp with (or at least my son's section of the camp) with 18, 19, and 20 year olds.  But I am even MORE upset at myself because I attended a meeting where I met the counselors and my initial reaction was to pull my son out of the camp because I didn't think that they were responsible enough, but I second guessed myself.

I swear that I will never second guess myself when it comes to my sons again.  I agree that I am over-protective, but these camp counselors are the ones that would have been taking my son to a field trip to a local water park which I realize now could have had a disasterous outcome.  I remember being 20 and I was actually responsible, but I was in no way responsible enough to handle a group of 5 toddlers.  On the plus side, I am sure that procedures have changed for the good at the day camp after the episode with my son, but I'm not about to risk his safety with people I don't trust.  I will never go against my gut again when it comes to my sons.

The Annoying Old Guy Who Sets the Curve

David started his class at a local college this evening and I was so excited signing him up for the class, making sure to find out where the room is, etc.  Pretty much making sure that he was where he was supposed to be and had the information he needed.  Pathetic, I know but I couldn't help myself.  And YES I am a planner - an obsessive control freak planner.  It's who I am and probably always the way I will be and really, I'm okay with it.

So I'm all excited to hear about David's class.  I put the boys to bed early and when he got home, they were fast asleep which gave us plenty of time to chat (and for him to have a hot dinner).  Being the stay at home parent isn't all it's cracked up to be as I'm reminded on a daily basis by my husband and by my friends (yes, I mean YOU Mama Eye).  It's probably a case of the grass is always greener and of course we want to be at home when we're at work and at work when we're at home, but I digress.

We both know that it's an important job, but that doesn't mean that it isn't mindless - because it can be.  So, I thought it would be good for him to go out and take a class or two or three . . . to get his mind going in a direction other than potty training.  This evening he came home and we had the following conversation:

Me: How was class?
D: Did you know that it's an accelerated course because it's a summer course?
Me: Yep.
D: What if I can't do it?  What if I'm not smart enough?

Seriously, this is the kind of question that I got from him.  From the man who can budget a household; watch 2 - TWO children under the age of 3; and put up with a crazy wife, I get a question like that?!?  I had to remind him that it was only an 200 level ECON course and he was being ridiculous.  It's amazing the things that one thinks that they can - or cannot - do.  Seriously?  What kind of question is that to ask?  I have no doubt that David will be able to do it and he'll probably be known as "that annoying older guy who sets the curve."

Gone Bye Bye

Dog Food Guy is no more.  Just thought I'd post that little tidbit of information.  And yes, I do feel bad but he dug his own grave.  A moment of silence for him is in order.

Crisis Partially Averted

Yesterday I bitched about feeling the squeeze of being the one to plan things in our household.  And this morning, I feel a little better because I completed a huge portion of my application to get certified and now I just need to find a class.  Plus, I was able to sit down and write out a schedule for this month; pack the oldest one's backpack for camp; and lay out clothing for the kids.  I'm not sure why I feel the need to be prepared for Mondays, but I do.

Some of it relates to the guilt I feel about not being able to be there for the "firsts" - first day of school/camp/whatever; first swim lesson; and on and on.  I know that my role in my family is one of provider (financially) but I want to be home with the kids.  I seriously do, but unfortunately my role does not include that part.

Today is the youngest's first swim lesson and although I know I will be in the same gym as he is, I won't be there to watch.  Although, I could run down to the pool area and sneak a peek.  Today is also the oldest's first day at summer camp.  I know he's excited but I'm a little worried since the counselors are not much older than my niece who I would never leave my kids with.  Every time I get worked up like this about the kids, I think about the oldest's preschool teacher who gave me the best advice.  She said, "Maybe if you just relaxed, your son would relax too."

I knew that I liked her for a reason and it's because of her honesty (and then there's the fact that she's great with the kids).  And she's right - being a stress case around your kids just makes them more stressed and being a kid today is hard enough without your mother being a complete basket case.

Help - Send Reinforcements

Next week is going to be a very, VERY busy week for us; it's the start of summer camp, swim lessons for the youngest boy, and evening classes for David.  Notice how I didn't mention anything about work or anything that is related to what's going on for me and that's because the events that I mentioned indirectly relate to me.  The craziness that is about to ensue needs to be coordinated by me.

See, just because I am not the one who may be the one who is at home with them during the day, I am the one who is responsible for their social development and entertaining them.  Funny how that works.  I know that it is difficult to be the stay at home parent but usually it is the stay at home parent who orchestrates the activities.  However, because my husband is the stay at home parent and for some reason he doesn't have the ability to orchestrate himself out of a cracker box, I am left to take that part (in addition to working outside the home, paying bills, and whatnot).

Uh - Bitter much?  The reason I am so cranky about all this is that this past week at work was bad and it's not likely to get better.  Okay, maybe that's not the right attitude - the chances that it will get better is 50/50.  At the same time, I spent Saturday going to an "In-Law" event and NO time taking care of the things that I needed to to gear up for this busy week coming up.

Seriously, I am one that needs a little quiet time to organize the events; figure out what needs to be done to get ready for the events; and then prep for the events (think packing backpacks and locating swim trunks).  It's not enough that I signed the boys up for their lessons and even registered David for his evening class, but now I am not even given the chance to gather my thoughts to get ready for it.  Once next week passes I won't need the time to think about coordinating the remaining weeks (at least not until the school year starts).  I'm thinking I need an assistant - or maybe a more organized husband.

Next Steps

I have been told that my role at my client's site is "Program Manager" which means that the PMs on the program that I am managing will report to me.  This would include Dog Food guy.  All I'm saying is that he is lucky that I don't take in to consideration how I personally feel about you when deciding if someone should stay or go.  However, I did voice my concerns about his ability to manage a project to the client - dog food comment aside.

The PMs that my client hires must all be PMP Certified which is fine.  Great - but I don't have that certification.  I know how to manage a project and have been a team member on small to large projects for the second half of my career, but I don't have that piece of paper that says "Yes I took the test and Yes I passed it."  I can say that for other certifications but not the PMP one.

I have been told by other people that it's a formality and really I should get one.  The cost of taking a fast track course that would prep me for taking (and passing) this test is about $3,000.00 which my company will not pick up.  Yes it's to their benefit to help me with this because it will add to their ability to book me on projects, but if one of your consultants is continuously booked without one then what's the incentive?  Either way, I've decided (or David has decided) that I should take the course and the test.

I don't know why I have such an issue with spending money on my career - I know it's an investment.  Trust me, I value education like crazy and if I were asked to spend $3,000.00 on either of my son's education or even my husband's I would not blink an eye.  But to spend that kind of money on my education/training is something that I always balk at.

The Ugly Foreigner

It's been an interesting week and sadly I don't mean that in a good way. This week has been fraught with people behaving badly - very badly. Anyone who subscribes to the "Ugly American" belief should think long and hard about putting that label on anyone because there are "Ugly fill-in-the-blanks" everywhere.

This week one of the project managers working for the program that I am managing has been ticking off his team. So much so that they're not including him on things that they should be. The client has asked that I speak to him and I did - SEVERAL times. He's just not getting it.

Then in our status meeting we were talking about the Philippines and one of the PMs asked what typical food was like. I started to say that we ate a lot of fish, pork, beef and the "clueless PM" (an Indian guy) chimed in, "You eat dog food!". Seriously, that is what he said. And when he didn't think that I heard him, he said it several more times following me as I walked away to get away from him.

Mind you this is a guy who is on thin ice and I was understandably pissed off at that comment. But I calmed down enough to become rational and thought about my last client and what I had been through and how I was treated and decided not to punch this guy's face. I also decided that recommending that he be replaced based on that comment would be the wrong thing to do.

Instead I'm going to let this guy have one more chance to make things right with the client. There were a lot of lessons I learned yesterday. Being a foreigner does not automatically exempt you from being a comlete ignoramous; only in the USA will people forgo the "American" way to try to understand in order to be inclusive; and making an decision based on how you feel about someone is wrong - chances are if they are truly incompetent they will do something else to help you escort them out the door.

Hello, Kitty

This past weekend, I decided to take out my Hello Kitty sewing machine and give it a whirl.  I needed to feed my new obsession and since the machine was sitting in its box since Christmas, I thought I'd see what I actually had.  I was pretty surprised.  It actually worked pretty well (I say this being new to sewing).

Seriously, I expected it to be a toy because it - well - looks like a toy.  I suppose the saying that goes, "You should never judge a book by its cover" is true in this case.  I was able to load the bobbin without the cheap and old thread that I had on hand knotting up and I tried every stitch that the machine had.  All the stitches came out even and nothing went wrong.  Even the back stitch worked well.

This morning I went into the basement to find something, and I came across an old sewing table that my parents had left behind when we bought their house.  I remember seeing it when I was a child at my Lola's (grandmother) house.  It was nice to be reminded of her, but also nice when I realized that her old sewing machine was actually in the table.  I'm not sure if it works properly but I am sure that it can be fixed if it doesn't.  So even though I don't intend on giving up Kitty, I do intend on using my Lola's sewing machine.  Just being around it reminds me of her.