Chicago Chick

Someone Hand Me a Paper Bag to Breathe Into

Yesterday I just wanted to cry.  I wanted to cry on the way out to my training class; I wanted to cry at some point during my training class; I wanted to cry on my way home; and I wanted to cry when I was answering e-mails from work when I got home.  What's causing all this angst?  I have no idea.

It could be that I feel like I have a ton to learn for this certification test.  And every time we do a review in the class, I cannot seem to answer any of the questions - okay, not any but MOST of the questions that are asked I cannot answer correctly.  It's frustrating and almost enough to send me into a hyperventilating fit.  Seriously, I am going to need a paper bag to breathe into or I'm going to pass out.

I suppose it could be worse.  It could always be worse.  One of the gals in my class (not the Know-It-All) is supposed to be closing on her house next week, but it turns out that everything isn't ready for close.  The house that she's buying is on the verge of being foreclosed upon and there are other issues like the bank won't release the seller from his mortgage.  It was an odd story.

Apparently the issue that the seller has with the bank creates a huge problem because my classmate's lender doesn't want to finalize the mortgage until the title is clear.   So, no mortgage means my classmate cannot close on the house she's buying.  This wouldn't be a huge deal if her house wasn't already sold; her possessions weren't in storage; the new carpet wasn't scheduled to be installed; the movers weren't scheduled; and her oldest daughter wasn't going to start school the week after next.  Plus, there seems to be another issue that has to do with $10K worth of earnest money.

I keep telling myself "See, it could always be worse - it could ALWAYS be worse."

Sitting Next to the Narcissistic One

As I was sitting in my training class yesterday, one of the people sitting next to me started talking about their job and their qualifications.  For whatever reason this seems to be something that happens in all week long training classes.  Topics of conversation are children, work, and certifications and sometimes it gets to be a pissing match.   

Normally I don't get into the pissing matches because the reason I'm in training class is to finish some sort of certification.  Truth be told, I like asking people about their families and what they do at work and what they like to do in their spare time.  I'm not interested in their certifications because any idiot can pass a certification.  Yesterday was a different story with the idle chit chat.

When each person in the training class first went around the room to introduce ourselves we each talked about our background (i.e., what we did for a living, any past certifications, and why we were in class).  During our first break, the gal in front of me started talking about certifications and she asked me about what it was like to take the CPA exam.  So I told her that it was a long time ago and that back then there were no calculators and it was a longer test, blah, blah, blah.  When she asked if I took it after college, I explained that I took a review course that was part of my second semester of senior year in college.  I told her that I finished the exam on a Friday and graduated the next day.  I also told her that I passed on the first try.

Then, she said (I shit you not), "So you're just good at taking exams."  Uh okaaaay.  I wanted to smack her upside the head, but instead I explained that no, I studied for 5 months to pass the exam and I went to an excellent school with an excellent accounting program that prepared me for the exam.  She just nodded her head and said, "Yeah, you're just good at taking tests."

All through the rest of the class that day she was hell bent on talking about her certifications (6 Sigma Black Belt and the like).  She would even bring it up during lecture and it was annoying.  The only thing that I can think of was that she was completely insecure.  Sometimes you just have to fight the urge to smack someone and just ignore them.

The Good, The Bad, and The UGH-LY

One of the things you should know about me is that if you send me an e-mail or comment I will send you a response.  Today I wrote the following response to Asianmommy: "You know the funny thing about life is you get some good stuff with the bad stuff and hopefully it all evens out! "  I really do believe that it somehow evens out and the trick is to live through the crappy stuff.

In the past 12 to 18 months I have changed jobs 3 times and the road between each job change has not been fun.  All along the way we've moved twice and have tried very hard to keep things predictable for the boys.  It hasn't been easy and I've said time and time again that I am due for a good year.  I have come to realize that I never know what is coming my way and to think that I have any control over it - other than how I react to things - is completely foolish.

As I was sitting in the first day of my week long training class, I started thinking about my career, the changes, and how in the big scheme of things I'm actually blessed.  Blessed because I have the privilege of being a mother to 2 toddler sons and blessed because (although ridiculously rocky at times) I have been able to continue to work in challenging positions.  But, at the same time I felt stressed because I honestly don't know how I got to where I'm at now.

What do I mean?  Today the Chicago practice lead of my practice at the consulting company I currently work for gave notice.  Now, I am ONE of FOUR people left in my practice.  The company I work for keeps insisting that they are committed to growing the practice I am working under but their actions don't support this.  The work situation I am in is not ideal although I am working for a client that I like.  Still, it doesn't look good for me at my current consulting company and that is what is making me wonder, "HOW in the world did I get into this predicament?"

It's been a roller coaster of a ride for me today.  At the end of the day I was happy to be home with the comfortable chaos that is my family.  All the work stuff will work out somehow and in the meantime I will just have to realize that I will have to take the good with the bad and the bad with the ugly.

All in Good Time

I've been spending a lot of time in the bathroom lately.  I wish I could say that it was because I was taking time for myself and sitting in a luxurious bubble bath, but it wouldn't be true.  We've been potty training on and off for the past 2 months and just when I was about to give up, I found the Peter Potty.  Yes folks, it's a urinal potty.

My sister recommended it when we were talking about how frustrated I was with trying to train my 3 year old to sit on the potty.  He would sit and sit and sit and then get annoyed because his bottom was sticking to the vinyl seat.  I would be frustrated and near tears that I couldn't get him to go.  The urinal potty was the last resort for me.  When I ordered it, I realized that I will have to get him to sit on the potty eventually because he'll have to do other things like #2 (I hate that term).  But, I was desperate! I've learned that especially with my oldest son, things will happen in time.  He cannot be rushed.

So the urinal came a few days ago and I put it together hoping that this would be the answer for our "pee-pee" dilemma.  I really didn't expect it to work, but within 5 minutes of assembling it and doing a test flush, my son was happily pulling down his pants and using it.  I  WAS  SHOCKED!  I also thought that it was a complete fluke and that he wouldn't do it again.  I was wrong; I ask him if he has to pee and when he says yes I walk him over to the urinal and there's no fighting or squirming on his part. 

Are we completely "pee-pee trained" yet?  Nope, but at least it's a step in the right direction.  When we had boys I was thrilled because I didn't want to deal with the tough puberty years with a girl.  I never expected having boys to be this difficult.  They whine and cry just like girls and I'm sure their teen-aged years will be as challenging as if we had girls.  But for now, I'm happy that my son likes his plastic urinal.  The other stuff we will deal with when the time comes.

And Now Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Program

My last post was about my husband and our scheduling/routine difficulties.  I also wrote about the topic on Chicago Moms Blog, a blog where I contribute my warped opinions.  While I received comments on my post that I wrote for Chicago Chick, I didn't realize the number of comments that I would get on the post I wrote for the collaborative blog. 

The number of comments was dizzying and I stopped checking my e-mail because there were so many.  Apparently there is not only a "mommy war" going on out there in parent-land, but there is also a "parenting war" going on.  By "parenting war" I mean the divvying up of parenting responsibilities.

I knew that the topic of who does what in the household was always something that was a hot button, but now that more and more fathers are staying home it seems that this has become more of a "nuclear" button.  I don't think of our home situation as something that is unique because, as a parent (and spouse), you do what it takes to put your family the best situation.  In our case it means that I am the working parent and my husband is the one that stays home.  Not exactly what society has considered normal, but it is what it is.

I am happy that I have more than one venue to write what I'm thinking or feeling.  I'm lucky that I have the ability to reach out to people for help and for their opinions.  So the deluge of e-mail I received wasn't unwelcome and I was not offended by anything that was written as a comment.  But for now I am glad that the Hoopla has died down and the comments have dwindled to the regular *nothing* because now I can go back to reading the lovely SPAM that hits my e-mail and the regular reader comments that I get.

Seriously?

I've been trying to find a babysitter to help my husband and me out with our 2 toddler sons.  Because of my crazy schedule, there are times when I don't get home in time to go through the dinner/bedtime routine.  Actually, they don't have a good routine given the changes in our lives - what with moving 3 times in the past year and all.  When I'm home it's not that bad, but when I get home late from work they don't go to bed at a reasonable hour.  This is not a good thing when the oldest one has an appointment with his speech or occupational therapist the next day.  It's not good because he misses the appointment.

I realize being a stay at home parent is a tough job but I've tried to make it easier for my husband.  Easier in the sense that he doesn't have to worry about scheduling things like play dates, social events, doctor appointments, or finding schools for either of the kids.  I do all that.  And, it's not like our home is spotless so there isn't a lot of cleaning going on.  To top it off, my sister and 3 of my girlfriends manage anywhere from 1 to 4 children and a household AND do the "mommy" stuff I described above.  And yes, their homes are pretty clean.

It's frustrating being in this situation of being the sole wage earner.  I say that because I try very hard to provide the money so that we can afford a nice home, good schools (private tuition is not cheap), good health care, and things like private speech and occupational therapy for our 3 year old.  I know that our son will not improve unless there is consistency and so far there hasn't been and I'm annoyed.

I'm annoyed because it is my husband's job to make sure that appointments are kept.  So, in an effort to help my husband out - because he says that he has a zillion things to do and even though I help out with the boys and I'm the one that puts them in their pajamas and brushes their teeth AND puts them in bed the majority of the time - I've decided to find a sitter to help him on the nights when I do come home after 6:00.  If anyone has any suggestions on finding a reliable sitter, I would be eternally grateful.

Motivation is Fleeting

This morning I got a phone call at 4:30.  Normally that would be too early, but I was up because I was going to the gym to work out with my personal trainer.  Except - except that the call this morning was from him to cancel our session again.  This is the who-knows-how -many-th time that this has happened and last Sunday he texted me to cancel.

I admit that I haven't been an angel.  There have be a couple of times that I've called and canceled at the last minute, but so far I think he's out-canceled me.  Normally, I would just get another trainer but I really think that this guy can help me.  I'm frustrated because when I am motivated to do something about my health, I don't stay motivated for long.

If I don't take action at the moment when I am motivated, it will be a long time before I will take action at all.  It's sad and it's an issue I need to deal with.  So, right now I am willing to work on a flexible schedule with my current trainer but my willingness won't last for long.  Seriously, I need to do something about my weight and my health because it's scary - scary for me.

I Drank in My PJs

Last week I went out with some co-workers to grab some drinks.  My wonderful husband was okay with this and didn't balk when I told him that I would be home at around 9:00-ish.  I was actually home an hour earlier, but it doesn't make what my husband did for me any less wonderful.  But I digress.

So, I went out for drinks with co-workers and I have to say that it was so relaxing and stressful all at the same time.  Relaxing because alcohol has a way of doing that to me, but stressful because I'm sitting there with my co-workers who are single and young and very, very pretty.  Although I'm not out trolling for men, everyone wants to feel attractive and I definitely don't lately.

I also know who and what I am and I felt bad about not feeling attractive in a bar for all of 5 seconds.  I also know that beauty fades and when it does, you should have something to back it up like a sense of humor (which I have) and a really good resume (which I also have).  Yes, yes there was a time long ago when I was really cute but those times have given way to a person who doesn't care if their hair isn't just so.  My sons don't care what I look like, only that I can still do cartwheels and handstands.  And, really it's okay.

I can also take comfort in the fact that I can sit at home and decompress in my slightly messy house all by myself.  This is only possible because my wonderful husband took the boys on a car ride after I spent the majority of the yesterday NOT showering, making home-made pizza, and baking a loaf of chocolate chip banana bread for my family.  Thank God for hubby because last night it was Miller Time (actually, it was MARTINI time!).

Waiting is the Hardest Part

I was waiting to contact search firms to help me with my job search.  After all, I do have a contract with my client that goes until the end of this year and I want to make the right choice.  I've had my fill of taking a job offer that seemed good on paper but ended up being something much less than I could stomach.  One of my coworkers sent me the information of a recruiter and I spoke to the recruiter yesterday.

Apparently my resume looks good - or according to the recruiter, "You look good on paper." - and the conversation we had went pretty well.  I have a face to face meeting with him some time next week and hopefully he can find something that will be challenging with no travel.  We'll see; I am definitely not in any kind of rush.  It could all change and I want to be ready.

This past week we also had a meeting with the person who will be taking over our practice and NONE of us (the whopping 5 that are left) have any faith in the guy.  There are the obvious things like the fact that he doesn't listen; hasn't been able to grow the practice in the past; and asks stupid things.  For example, he said "I hope you're enjoying your project." to me and I replied, "Of course, I'm working for a contact from a previous client - remember, I brought the client in?" 

Seriously, if you had a handle on the people who work for your VERY SMALL company, I would think you would remember that.  There ARE only 5 of us left in the area he's responsible for.  What a douche-bag!   Adding to the drama was the fact that my company shorted me HALF of what I was owed on my commission related to the deal that I brought in.  Honestly, what it's going to come down to is how annoyed I get with my current employer.  It will be a true test of patience and for me, waiting is always the hardest part.

A Mental Challenge

Today my manager at the consulting company I work for got laid off.  So tomorrow the "official" announcement will go out and the person we will be reporting to will be revealed.  I already know who it is and it won't be good.  This person has been with the consulting company for a long time and is a partner, but knows nothing about the product that my practice implements.  Seriously, he knows nothing - nada - zip.

I'm not supposed to know that my manager got laid off and at this meeting tomorrow, I'm supposed to act surprised, which I am totally capable of doing.  I am also fully capable of asking the tough questions that I don't think the partner who will be taking over as practice director for the practice I work for will be able to answer. Questions like, "What experience have you had in managing a (insert our software package product here) practice?" and "What is the strategic goal for our practice?" or "Given our company's limited experience with growing this practice organically, do you honestly believe that you will be successful doing this?" 

In reality I want to ask, "Dipshit, you have no experience in this so why do you think that you can run this practice?" and "How freaking long do you think the rest of us will stay around and if you've got nobody to deliver, how will you land projects since most companies want to see the resumes of people you have on staff?"

I love consulting, I do.  I love that I'm always challenged mentally; but the thing that I hate is that so many times I need to deal with those who are mentally challenged and that includes partners of small companies that I happen to work for.

Sometimes It's the First Step That's Tough

I made it through the day and it wasn't that bad; actually, it wasn't bad at all.  I even made it to the gym for my TEAM class.  It's the first week of a 12 week program and today we were pinched (for fat testing) and weighed.  Since I did the 12 week program last session, they still had my numbers and compared to where I began in April I've lost 16 pounds and 5% body fat.  Not too shabby.

I've known for a very long time that once I get going, I'm fine.  I seem to follow Newton's Law of Motion (the inertia law to be exact) where "bodies that are in motion stay in motion and bodies at rest stay at rest."  By this I mean that once I'm going I am fine - it's the stopping and trying to start back up again that is tough.  This applies to everything in my life - work, going to the gym, everything.

So, once I got to work it was not so bad being there and once I got to the gym I was okay with working out and sweating like a pig.  I'm sure that this is the case with most people.  It seems that almost anyone you ask will tell you that it's getting to the gym that is the hardest part.  Is the solution never to take a vacation?  Yeah, right - I think not!

Anxiety

I need to relax an just breathe - breathe already.  Tomorrow I need to go back to work and I just don't want to be there.  I know that I probably need to talk to my husband and tell him that we need to work something out where I can work less because I honestly feel like I'm at my breaking point.  I'm sure I'll be fine when I get to the office, but for now I just feel like a bundle of nerves.

It doesn't help matters when I mention that tuition is due for the oldest boy's preschool and that we need to confirm that we will be doing classes at Tuesday's Child.  I work really hard - I do - but I also tend to be the spender and David is the saver.  So, when he says something like, "we have no money" it freaks me out.

Of course it's not that we don't have any money - we do.  But David is the guy who gets bent out of shape unless we have a certain level of cash in savings and he doesn't consider that we have money in IRAs and 401Ks.  When he unleashes a statement like that I start to feel more anxiety that ever.  Then again, he said it and went back to watching a preview for Wrecked on the television.

Seriously, I'm starting to hyperventilate.  I feel like there are so many things that I need to get control of - my weight; my health; my oldest boy's supposed "developmental delay"; the house; and the list goes on and on.  Maybe I'm better off at work. * Sigh *

In Hiding Because Hubby Made Me

I'm hiding out at the Panera Bread close to my old neighborhood in the city.  I've been here since 8:00 am and will be here until 9:30ish.  Why?  Because David made me leave the house.  Let me explain.

I was suppose to have breakfast with a friend this morning at 8:00 and then head off to a manicure appointment, but my friend canceled because her muffler fell off of her car and she couldn't drive from Valpo (Indiana) to Chicago without a muffler.  I can't say that I blame her because I wouldn't drive that distance without a muffler either.  But, because I was up and dressed I figured I could hang out at home and try to knock out the rest of my "To Do" list until it was time for me to leave for my other appointment.

It was not to be - the boys were sort of awake and since they "wig out" when I leave, David strongly suggested that I leave the house even though my breakfast got canceled.  So, here I am sitting at the old Panera Bread that I used to go to when I needed to get some work done and didn't want to sit at home.  Seriously, I am in my old neighborhood waaaay more than I used to be when I actually lived here; makes me wonder why we ever moved in the first place.  Oh yeah - the ability to have a play set in our backyard for the boys.  It was totally worth the move.

Yesterday I hung the swings and the boys got to swing in their own back yard.  It was nice to see and well worth the 7 to 24 hours it took to set up.  I say "7 to 24 hours" because that's what the assembly instructions to the thing said.  Honestly, it took a week to set up with an average of 4 hours per day - that includes arguing time with the hubby.  There are people who actually WORK with their spouses, but I have come to the realization that I could never work with my husband.  If I did have to work with him, I would truly go into hiding.

"Normal"

I have one more day of vacation before life returns to "normal" on Monday.  My "To Do" list - or "sanity list" as I've called it is complete except for 3 items.  Actually, one of the 3 is partially done - most of the laundry is washed, but has yet to be folded.  Yesterday I took an A-Line Skirt class at The Needle Shop and I now have a pretty new skirt to wear to work on Monday.  Today I took my 2 boys to meet my friend Mama Eye and her ridiculously cute toddler boy for a play date.  Hi Mama Eye - we need to get together again soon; today was way too short.  BTW, A keeps asking if L is okay.

Mama Eye and I briefly talked about my worries that my sons wouldn't be "normal" an of course she told me not to worry.  But, it's hard not to worry especially after the Early Intervention chapter in our lives.  Seeing them play with the other children at the park made me realize that my sons are perfectly normal.  They may not be as articulate as the 3 year old little girl named Anastasia that we saw at the park, but they are normal for little boys.  And I realized that I'm not such a bad mother.  This past week I have spent every day with other parents and not only are my sons as well behaved, but I am as good as any other parent out there.  Plus, the boys are happy and healthy.

So, while I'm not really thrilled about going back to work because of the crap that is sure to be waiting for me I need to remember the reasons why I'm working so hard.  There are 2 little guys waiting for me at home that are counting on me to put a roof over their heads and food on the table.  The bright smiles on their faces when I walk through the door and the squeals of "Mommy, Mommy!  You're home!" are worth putting up with the crap at work.

Irene the Builder

I updated my "To Do" list for the week and certain things got completed and others got canceled.  Canceled in that I don't have time to complete them such as pricing out marble and moving the kitchen island.  While that is still something I want to do, I wanted to do other things like plan my oldest son's birthday party and sew a pair of pajama pants for each of my sons.  Plus, items like "pick up the boys' room" and "vacuum the house" aren't one time events.

On the other hand, things like "sign up for personal training" have already been completed because I spent Sunday morning at the gym.  Seriously, I did.  I realize that I haven't done the things like cleaning off the kitchen island but I'll get to that - I have a week off.  But, I have a play set to help put together; after yesterday's events, I can now say that I know how to put up a fence and lay a deck -  hmmm maybe I should add that to my resume when I update it.  Hopefully the weather will cooperate so that we can finish the boys' playset.  Keeping them occupied would go a long way in helping me do some of the more fun things on my list.

The thing about the playset is that it wasn't on my "To Do" list but after watching the boys try to climb up it and realizing that they could fall off and hurt themselves if we didn't finish it, I had to put it on my list.  One of my ultimate goals this week is to make sure that we don't end up in the emergency room; that nobody sheds a drop of blood; and that nobody falls off of anything.  Sometimes those are lofty goals for a family with 2 active toddlers.

I realize that I could drive myself absolutely crazy with my lists and working like mad to get things done, but it's part of who I am.  I don't relax well; in fact, yoga classes were items on my "To Do" list at one point in time.  Some people really enjoy sitting on the beach or vegging out in front of the television.  What truly makes me happy (which is the insane part) is putting together a list and scratching off the items I've completed.  Scary, very scary.

Combatting a Meltdown

The thing I cannot stand about having dysthymia is that it's always a presence in my life.  It's almost like a constant low hum or a ghost that I walk around with - think a lawn mower in the distance that you can ignore at times.  When I'm busy and have a ton - a ton more than usual - to do, I do a great job of ignoring it; but, when I'm not busy - or not as busy as usual - I have a very hard time ignoring it.  For example, when I first started in consulting and I was on the bench (unassigned) for an astounding 11 weeks I was okay for the first week but by week five, I didn't even bother to get up and shower.  It truly was sad.

One would think that even though I got paid my full salary during those 11 weeks I would be okay, but I wasn't.  The time on the bench made me aware of the constant buzz of my dysthymia.  This coming week I've decided to take vacation days and hang out with my oldest son and you'd think that I would be able to ignore the buzz.  I can't and I'm not sure why.

It could be that between the week off that I took to hang out with my youngest son; the long 4th of July weekend; and the upcoming week off that I've truly been able to decompress.  Normally, that would be a great thing since I don't know how to relax but for some reason today I just feel so extremely blah.  It's the blah that I start feeling right before I stop showering.

I know that it's crazy but it's depression and it's hard to explain or understand.  Trust me, I don't understand it but somehow I manage to live with it.  Sheesh, think of how successful I would be if I didn't have it given the things that I'm able to do while actually living with it.  My way of combating it is to try to keep busy and ignore it which I know isn't the best way of dealing with it.  Yes, there are antidepressants I can take and I do take a very VERY low dosage of it but the hum never really goes away.

So, this is what I'm planning on doing to try to head the potential meltdown at the pass:

• Take my oldest son to his week at camp.  It's a parent attended camp so I don't have to worry about anyone being responsible for my child.
• Pick up the boys' room
• Hang shelves in the boys' room
• Do ALL the laundry
• Update my resume and start a cursory look for yet another new job.  I'm okay until December when my client's contract completes and I'm sure they'll extend me, but I'm thinking I need to get ready for the worst possible scenario.
• Clean the bathrooms - can you say "ewwwww!"
• Sew an A-line Skirt
• Finish my niece's sun dress (find cute buttons, hem the dress, iron it)
• Call Mama Eye for a play-date.  Maybe David can watch her son as well as ours and Mama Eye and I can go hang out at a spa and get manicures and pedicures.  We'll probably end up hanging out at the park, but it will be good if we can get together *hint, hint, Mama Eye*
• Clean off the kitchen island.  Price out marble and find out how much it will cost to move the island.
• Vacuum the house
• Dust the piano and clean the ottoman
• Sign up for more personal training sessions
• Sign up for the TEAM fitness class at the gym

Yeah, it's quite the ambitious list, but I'm thinking that most of it can be accomplished tomorrow - at least the cleaning stuff anyways.  Plus, I'm up early to go to the oldest son's day camp during the week which means that I will have the afternoon to do stuff like hang out with BOTH boys!

Reality Check

Yesterday I stopped to see my friend, Maria, and got a manicure.  While I was there, my other friend JS was there.  JS works for a local hospital and is a social worker so the stories she tells us range from heart-warming to heart-breaking, but whatever the topic her stories always serve as a reality check.  If I thought I had a terrible week last week, JS's stories yesterday made my week a walk in the park.

One of the stories had to do with a shaken baby and the other story had to do with a teen-aged cancer survivor's mother having a terminal illness.  Both stories brought tears to my eyes and Maria and I sniffled and cried through our visit.  Hearing the stories made the flooding in my basement ridiculously trivial and that is probably why I came home and didn't freak out over it.   

Later we took the boys for a drive to see if we could see any fireworks; the oldest son laughed and laughed when we saw a nearby suburb's fireworks.  As we drove along I told David about JS's stories and I cried all over again.  David reminded me of how truly lucky we were as a family; we have healthy boys, a nice home (even if the basement does flood), and we are able to afford to have one parent at home with the boys. 

And, although we may not go skiing in Salt Lake City every year like we used to, life has been pretty good so far.  I'm just hoping that I can remember that while I'm helping David put together the playset we bought for the boys or when I have to go back to work after next week's vacation.

The Sounds of Summer

I'm so ready for the long weekend and am taking vacation all of next week too.  I've made the decision to take the certification test I talked about in a previous post.  And, I decided to pay for the training course out of our personal funds instead of having my company (which I'm so annoyed with) pay for it.  This way the certification is truly mine and I owe nobody nuthin'.

I started the long weekend and upcoming vacation week by having a martini with my co-workers - actually they're my client co-workers.  Then, I picked up some pink fabric for the A-line skirt class I'm taking next week.  I came home to a backyard full of some of our stuff from the basement because it flooded.  How that is possible when it wasn't raining is a long story that I don't care to rehash.

But, now I'm home in the back yard with the boys after they've had dinner and their dessert.  The boys are playing on the slide and yelling hello to airplanes that are passing overhead.  There are a lot of giggles and singing and pitter-pattering of feet on the driveway as the sun is slowly starting to set.  I'm realizing that life isn't bad and dare I say that it's pretty good.  It's a far cry from where we were last year and I'm glad for these moments.

Me, Deconstructed

Remember that nursery rhyme, "What are Little Girls Made Of?, that went on to say that little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice?  I was reading a post on another blog that I read and decided to write an answer to Uppercase Woman's question on the 5 most character defining moments.

So, here are mine in no particular order:

1. Moving to the FAR Northern Suburbs: I left the only school and the only friends that I ever had to a dreary and unfriendly place to start my freshman year in high school.  At the time there was one African American family and a handful of Asians, but other than that it was WASP-city.  It left a bad taste in my mouth for the suburbs of Chicago and I have tried to never leave the city.  Sometimes you do what you think is best for your family regardless of what you yourself truly want.



2. Changing Careers: In college I was taught that you pick a major and you work in that major no matter what.  It's not normal to spend 8 years in a career, climbing the ladder only to decide that you wanted to switch ladders.  I was told that I would have to take a huge pay cut and that nobody would want to hire me.  Add to that a poor economy and a change in careers to one that was on the down slide (technology) and I was just asking for trouble.  One of my co-workers (not my Mama Eye) told me that I was stupid and that what I was looking for wasn't out there.
   
   She was wrong, but I do remember saying to her that I would rather try and fail than not even bother trying at all.  The lesson I learned was to be fearless and that mistakes happen, but unless you do something dire then mistakes can be fixed.  I think the thought started with a "Life's Little Instruction Book" calendar that said, "Be bold and courageous.  When you look back on your life, you will regret the things that you didn't do more than the things that you did."



3. Becoming a Parent: I'm not saying that I became a parent when I gave birth to either of my sons.  In fact, I think it was probably in the last year or so that I actually became a parent.  It happens gradually when one day you "get" the fact that you're responsible for someone else and that what you want gets back burner-ed sometimes.  I also realized that just because I am a parent that doesn't mean that the things in life I want are no longer important.  I think that the moment when I started acting like I a parent, I became a better wife and person.  I'm not AS selfish, but I'm still human.  And yes, marrying my husband was character defining, but I don't think I really behaved as a wife (no I didn't cheat or anything like that) until I grew up and became a parent



4. Having a Relative Second-Guess Me as a Mother: It's sad when someone who knows you better than anyone second-guesses you and takes actions that are so insulting, hurtful, and confusing.  I wrote about it over a year ago and don't really want to rehash it.  But, suffice it to say it has haunted me in EVERY ASPECT of my life ever since.



5. Being Left By My Fiance/Boyfriend/Whatever: The single most emotionally damaging event that has happened in my life was when my "other" at the time said, "I don't love you anymore."  I think what came out of my mouth was the most primal, guttural sound that I've ever produced.  To this day, I can remember it and still feel it in my gut.  What followed after that break up was 5 years of hi-jinx that ended when I married my husband.  I am sure that I messed this other person up as much as he messed me up.  His name is still uttered by my husband in sentences like, "Jeez, [insert guy's name here] really messed you up!"

So, those are mine - what are yours?