Chicago Chick

You're So Vain (and Insecure)

At work we were talking about age and aging and how we're handling getting older.  It started when one of my co-workers came by to ask a question about the project she was working on and somehow the topic of conversation moved towards what kids today would remember when they grew up.  For example, our children today will not know what it's like to NOT have a microwave or cell phones - similar to how I cannot remember a time without a television.

The conversation made a few of us realize that we will turn 40 within the next few years.  In my case, it will be January of 2011 which is not that far away.  I have to admit that I'm a little fearful of turning 40 and I'm not entirely sure why.  I mean, I couldn't wait until I turned 30 and was so excited to leave the angst of my 20s behind.  When I think about the past almost decade, the term change comes to mind.  My 30s is when I changed careers, purchased my first house, had children, and went to graduate school.

The later half of my 30s has been very challenging and I guess I'm fearful of turning 40 because of that.  I wonder if getting older means that life will get even more difficult.  Then there are the physical changes.  The stretch marks and the saggy skin that came with the boys will probably never leave.  And, although I don't have any noticeable facial wrinkles I know that they're coming.  I don't want to get old and I am less looking forward to having it appear on my face and body.

Every year it becomes more of a battle to keep age at bay.  I know that it is inevitable that I will get older and it will show.  I'm vain - I know it.  But, I think that most of my vanity comes from the fact that I'd like to hold on to the little attractiveness that I have.  Sheesh, I'm cursed - not only am I vain, but I'm insecure too!

Happy Birthday Baby!

Yesterday was my oldest son's birthday. I cannot believe that he's 4 years old. What surprises me the most about looking at him is the amount of love that I feel. My son is truly one of the most fascinating people I know. Happy birthday, baby - I love you!

Back To School and I'm Not Ready

Tomorrow is my oldest son's official first day of preschool.  We're trying something new this year and splitting his time between his old preschool at the local park district and a nearby Catholic preschool.  One of the preschools is a 3 year old program and the other a 4 year old program.  The plan is to gradually move him into a 4 year old program.  Given that his birthday is right on the cut-off date, David and I are trying to decide if he will be ready for Kindergarten next year.

Last year, I wrote about Nick's preschool experience and I think it was harder on me than it was on him.  This year, I am trying to make the first day of school a non-event but I'm finding it hard.  When I was school aged, I loved, LOVED school and I still do.  But, with last year's events I have started dreading the first day of school.  I worry about how our son will do socially.  I worry that I will be told by his preschool teacher that he's just not ready for preschool.  I worry that the "developmental delays" that the "experts" seem to see (and I don't - not really) will make it hard for him.

But, I also know that I cannot protect my child from every little thing and I just need to toughen up and let go.  I worry and I can't help it because ever since the events that took place over a year ago, I question EVERYTHING that I do and EVERY decision I make.  I worry that I'm not a good mother.  I know that it sounds extreme but our little family has been through a lot.  2007 was not a stellar year for us and 2008 has been a little better, but not much.

With the exception of the work situation shifting yet again (marketing person at the consulting company I work for getting laid off along with some other folks and my company withholding payment to subcontractors even though clients are paying the invoices related to these subcontractors), things seem to have the potential of settling down now that we're in a permanent house.  Seriously bad things seem to be happening at my company and I wonder when I will get the phone call that my company is no more.

But for now, I need to get over the hurdle of the first day of preschool.  I will probably hold my breath until the first full week of school and maybe into October.  I am that uneasy about it and I am that unready for it.

He's Just Not That Into You

For whatever reason, I started reading (okay, listening) to He's Just Not That Into You.  Reading it made me realize the crap that I put myself through during my dating years and even through the early years of being married.  Yes, I know it sounds strange that I would say that it applied to the first couple years of being married but it's true.

Even though the book is about dating and how single women make excuses for the guys that they're dating, it can also apply to someone you are married to.  Or, at least I think that it can be.  By this I mean that you can be married to someone and they can just not be as interested in you as you are as them.  It's a cold and cruel thought, but I can honestly say that not only did David ignore me, but I ignored him equally as much back.  How could I know or even think this?

Because anybody who actually knew us, sometimes commented that we didn't act like a couple.  If we went out to a bar or party, usually we would end up on opposite sides of the room having conversations with 2 different people.  Sure we would walk into the place together and walk out together but usually we pretty much went our separate ways.  I realize that this happens to other couples, but then there were times that we would each go out with friends without each other.  Seriously, the times that we were together you could probably count on one hand.

It stopped being like that gradually and more-so now then ever we do things together.  However, listening to that book made me realize that husbands and wives can also "not be into each other" and it's okay.  Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't.

Self Worth from Within

On Wednesday during my night of drunken debauchery, the 4 of us (all women) were talking about men.  Specifically men in our lives.  Two of my co-workers aren't married but are in dating relationships, or maybe I should have said WERE in dating relationships.  Currently, both are experiencing turmoil in the form of both of the men wanting to take "a break."  Honestly, I don't think that the term "taking a break" was really even a term until the whole Friends "taking a break" story line aired.

Even so, I have watched both of my co-workers - both who are BEAUTIFUL women fall apart.  Comments such as, "I cannot believe that I invested years with him" and "If I just hang on maybe . . .".  Both comments cause my stomach to churn because I don't think that their guys are going to change and there's a greater likelihood that the whole thing will turn out badly.

So, why do I bring this up?  Because to a large extent women (myself included) base their self-worth on external factors such as how they look or who is or is not paying attention to them.  It's sad, but it's true.  How many times have I written about the stresses at work and how I don't feel attractive when in reality I should have a sense of self-worth from within.  The fact that I am smart and funny and have a wonderful resume that shows my work accomplishments should be enough, but it's not.  I'm not just talking about me because there are hundreds if not thousands of us that feel that way.

In the late 1990s there was this whole "Girl Power" thing going on and it's a great idea.  The thought that we - as women and as a society - should teach our young girls to actually like themselves is a wonderful concept.  I think that because I have boys I really haven't paid attention to what has become of the "Girl Power" thing.

I am hoping that it is different from the strong women mindset that I grew up with,  The one I grew up with talked about how I could be a wife and a mother and a working person; the concept of "having it all."  But, it never seemed to take into account how exhausting and UNfulfilling that could be at times.  From what I remember the "Girl Power" thing was more in line with that you could have it all if you wanted but it was more a celebration of being a girl and self-acceptance.

I don't know what will happen with my co-workers relationships, but whatever the outcome I hope that they realize how truly amazing and beautiful they are.  And, I hope for myself that I learn to see my own self-worth.

The Very Long Week

This week has been crammed full of excitement and craziness.  Next week will be worse because school starts, it's the week before Labor Day, and all the things that I have been putting off because I've been heads down studying will need to be taken care of.  I dread this weekend only because it means that I will be cleaning like a fiend.  For some wacky reason toilets just don't seem to clean themselves and really - they should.

What exactly made this week so crazy?  Let's see - there was stressing out about the test, taking the test, passing the test - only to come home to clean the living room.  Then, there was drunken debauchery, getting sick near the Monroe Street bridge, talking about things that should not be discussed in co-worker company, and then trying to pull myself together so I could function.  Lastly, there was a phone conversation with a recruiter to prep for a phone interview last night.

It's early Friday morning - Lord only knows what today will bring.  I'm hoping good things and maybe (yes maybe) a self-cleaning toilet.

Stupid Thing #1

This is going to be short, mainly because I am hung-over.  Yes I did something irresponsible last night.  I went out and drank to excess.  My client took me out for dinner and drinks to celebrate passing the certification exam that has been stressing me out.  And because I was told that I don't know how to "bask" in my achievements and because I was blowing off some excess steam and more importantly, because I was being irresponsible, I am now paying the price with a very, VERY bad hangover.

It will only get worse today because I will be at home with 2 very loud toddlers.  I am working from home the first part of today because David and I have a meeting with our oldest son's speech and occupational therapists to discuss his progress.  I am in pain now, but have to be in "normal, functioning, Irene form" by noon today.  I have no idea how I'm going to get there.

Naughty Thoughts

Every once in a while I will have a "naughty" dream.  Come on - I'm human; it happens.  And, don't deny that it hasn't happened to you.  For some strange reason you have a dream where you're making out with someone who isn't your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever.  It's not like it's intentional because you don't consciously tell yourself before you go to bed that you're going to have a dream where you're cheating on your significant other.

When was the last time I had such a dream?  I have no idea because lately I'm not sleeping and most of my dreams are about running late to a final for a class that I've registered for but have NEVER attended.  Those dreams absolutely suck!  But back to the topic at hand.  I can't remember the last time I had such a dream, but I know that I have had them in the 11 years that I've been married to David.  Here is the question that is weighing on my mind.  Why is it okay to admit that you've had a dream where you're not with your significant other but it's NOT okay to admit that you've had thoughts wondering what it's like to not be with your significant other?

I ask this because there is someone that I work with that has had extra-marital affairs.  It happens because this person doesn't get the "sexy business" at home on a regular basis.  Regular basis meaning at least once a month.  How do I know this?  Because the topic came up one night as all of us (about 7 of us) went out for a drink after work.

So co-worker, M, has had 2 extra marital affairs and another co-worker admitted to thinking about what it was like to have an extra marital affair.  They'll probably never hook up because they're both the same gender.  The topic of conversation came up during an "I never" game (I never . . . you fill in the blank . . .).  I believe the I never was something like, "I never have dreams having 'sexy business' with my significant other." or "I have never cheated on my siginficant other."

I realize that actually having an extra-marital affair is wrong, but is thinking about it just as wrong and why?  The co-worker who admitted to thinking about what it was like to have an affair was blasted the same way as the co-worker who actually had a couple was.  It was interesting to see and drove the point home that (1) you don't actually share this type of information with co-workers and (2) chances are everyone has deviant thoughts to some degree but you should keep those thoughts to yourself.

I Wish I Had a Crystal Ball

Honestly, these past few years have been really, really tough.  I write that thought often and hope that things will get less difficult.  But, in reality, things don't get easier and the reason that things don't get easier is because I don't let them.  Let me explain.

In the past 4 years, David and I have become parents (twice); we've sold and bought a house; and we've moved (twice).  As if becoming a parent isn't hard enough, I've also changed jobs a lot - yeah I don't want to hear about it - (once to return to the same company, once because my company was on the verge of folding, and another because I was paid A LOT of money to cut and paste information from one spreadsheet to another causing my brain to atrophy).  All of the things that have "happened" to me are things that I willing did to myself.

I admit it - I am the cause of the strife in my life.  I made all of the changes in an attempt to make life better for my family and to put us in a better place.  I made the best choice with the information that I had at the time.  Would I make the same choices again knowing what I know now?  Some of them yes and some of them no (overall I'd say yes) - but it's not like I had a crystal ball.  Actually, I wish I did have a crystal ball because there are more decisions that I'm about to make and I'd really love to know the outcome before I make them.  And because I don't live in a bubble I will have to continue to make choices.

Throughout the years of making these big choices about work and family and money, I've truly learned a lot.  I've learned to be more patient and not so reactionary.  Case in point, when people in my practice started dropping like flies, I could have run but I didn't.  I'm still working for my consulting company - although a little unhappier - but I'm still there.  And, the lesson that you are responsible for your career (something I learned at the age of 22) has been a recurring theme throughout the past 4 years.

There are so many changes to come.  My oldest will be returning to school in a couple of weeks and the littlest one will start attending preschool at the beginning of 2009.  I cannot stop the inevitable changes that come my way and I know that life won't get easier.  The only thing that I can hope for is the wisdom to enjoy the good times when they come and to hang on tight to the ones I love during the not so good times.  But seriously, a crystal ball sure wouldn't hurt!

Ugh - I've Been Called "Cute"

Recently I wrote a post about how I felt about NOT feeling attractive anymore.  When I re-read what I wrote, I realized that I do care that I don't feel attractive anymore.  I probably felt bad for more than the 5 seconds that I admitted to in the post I wrote.  So, what brought on the change of heart for me?

I haven't really been taking care of myself since even before the boys came around and the last time that I really worked out and tried to live a healthier lifestyle (before more recent events) was from 1997 to 1998.  That's a whole decade ago.  Now that I have more "grown up" pressures and responsibilities, I think that it's high time that I took better care of myself.  And, I have been.

In the past 4 months or so I have lost a little over 20 pounds and 5% body fat.  Although I have a long way to go, I do feel better about myself.  I've even taken the metabolic test again - the one that I wrote about in an April post - to see how I've improved over the past 4 months.  The results were impressive and I'm proud of the progress I've made.

Apparently people around me that I see everyday are starting to notice a change too and I've gotten some nice compliments.  I've also received some constructive criticism such as, "You're super cute - why don't you dress better?"  I appreciate the constructive criticism and have tried to take it to heart, but the "super cute" part of the comment made me want to gag up my lunch and a lung.  Eeeeew!  Cute is for things like bunny rabbits and babies.  Things that are fluffy and round.  And, I so don't want to be ROUND anymore.  I've never been fluffy before and don't want to start now.   I suppose if I keep doing what I'm doing, maybe one day I will be "hot" or "beautiful" - or at least my outsides will be.

Wrung Out

It's 12:30 in the morning and I'm feeling so incredibly stressed out.  I have been trying to get the oldest one down for bed since 7:30 this evening and for some reason he is just been nothing but a whining, crying, annoying little article.  I even tried to snuggle with him in bed so that he would fall asleep, but nothing has worked.  Instead he has succeeded in making me a stressed out, wrung out, guilty mess.  So much so that I just got up and walked away from him which caused him to cry these heart-wrenching sobs.

But, what am I supposed to do?  There are things that I needed to get done this evening like pay bills and stress out over the fact that school is coming up and tuition needs to be paid.  Seriously, how is it that you can live on a single income; put a roof over your family's head; put food on the table; educate your kids; and have a little left over?  The paycheck that I earn is nothing to sneeze at but I am starting to worry especially since school is starting.  The craziness that goes on with my company continues and doesn't alleviate any of the stress.

I'm worried that something will give and it will be my sanity.  There's still the stress of the impending test and I think I'm harboring some resentment that I had to pay for the training class that, in reality, my company should reimburse me for.  Seriously, the $3,000.00 cost of the class made a sizable dent in our savings account.  Add to that the cost of taking the exam and the professional fees for the organization that the certification belongs to and you have a sizable chunk of change.

There are other, more personal, issues that are weighing on my mind that I don't care to discuss.  But, all of it together is making for a sleepless night and honestly I feel as though I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack.  I don't dare have one because that would probably mean hospital bills that would need to be paid.  I'm being funny about the hospital bills, but it isn't far from the truth.  I'm worried that one more thing will cause me to seek some sort of irresponsible escape.

Staying on Task

There are a bunch of things that I need to accomplish this week.  One of the things on my list of things for this week is to finish studying for the exam that I will be taking a week from tomorrow.  I'm nervous because I'm not feeling ready.  I don't know if I'll ever be ready.  Among the list of things I want to accomplish this week are things like remembering to take the train to work this week and making it to every treadmill class.

Then, there are the tasks that I need to get done for work.  I'm going to be sharing my cube with a new project manager.  I've been told that he is pretty quiet and reserved, which is something that I am not, so it should be interesting to see how this goes.  I'm starting to think that I need to "tone it down" at work and I'm hoping that having to share a cube with someone will help me with this.

There are so many distractions at work, but if I can just concentrate on my work tasks and studying for this exam then I should be okay.  I'm hoping that I can pull it together with the studying because the last thing I want to do is have to pay $275.00 to take the test again.  It's amazing that I have to pay to suffer through a test again.  And where in the world do they come up with that number!?!

Feeling Violated - and Not in a GOOD Way

Yeeeah - that title is a bit intriguing isn't it?  I debated putting that on there, but figured what the heck.  So yes, I was violated.  Someone used my American Express card to charge just under $5,000.00 worth of things on my account.  Yes, I wrote FIVE . . . THOUSAND . . . DOLLARS.  I discovered this on Friday when I was checking my personal e-mail and received an e-mail from American Express letting me know that there was "suspicious" activity on my card.

By "suspicious", American Express meant $195.00 for a dating website.  Sheesh - even Amex knows that I'm an exhausted married mother of 2 toddlers.  Just kidding.  But, the e-mail made me decide to look at my statement for the month which is next to nothing usually.  Imagine the look on my face when I saw a balance of over $5,000.00 on my on line statement.  I think one of the guys who works for my client was walking by my cube when he heard me inhale sharply.

Of course I called Amex right away and went through the tasks of canceling the card, getting a new one issued, and then disputing the charges.  Even though the folks at Amex were nice and helpful, I still got off the phone feeling completely violated.  I know that the prosecution part of this thing is between the parties who used my credit card and Amex, but I still would like to know who they are. 

I would love for them to come over to my house and see how hard I work to make a buck and then I would love to tie them up to the tree in the front yard, pour honey over them, and let the ants have their way with them.  And, of course I would put a sign around their (his?/her?) neck saying, "I swiped someone's credit card and stole from them."  Do you know that they also charged a ONE DOLLAR donation to the American Cancer Society on my card!?!  Just goes to show you that we're not dealing with Robin Hood here.  This is a case of "steal from those who may have it and keep it for myself."

This whole thing kind of reminds me of the time waaaaay back in 2004 when I kept getting calls from creditors asking for Keisha.  And at one point, one of the creditors didn't believe that I was NOT this Keisha person and called me by that name hoping (I guess) to throw me off balance.  Besides the fact that someone used my Amex card to purchase crap, the thing that bothers me to no end is that there are thousands of people out there who do this stuff.  The credit card companies still have to spend the time to investigate these situations and it costs time and money.  Never mind that the credit card companies may not even get reimbursed the fraudulent charges and they may have to take a "loss".

Who do you suppose has to foot the bill for the credit card company's "loss" in the end?  Yep, that's right - it would be stand up people like you and me.  We pay for it in the form of higher interest rates and annual fees.  The more I think about it, the more that I like the idea of tying people to trees, letting bugs eat away at them, and humiliating them by putting a sign around their necks telling the general public what they've done.  I really believe that there just isn't enough shame in this world.

Get OUT of My Head!

There's a thought in my head that I cannot seem to shake.  I don't want to go into details but suffice it to say that I wish it would just LEAVE . . MY . . HEAD!  I'm tired of constantly wondering why I'm having this thought and kind of skeeved that I'm having it.  Bleh!  I just want to go back in time to a place when things weren't so - well - complicated.  I think that maybe that time would be when I was about 7 years old.  Yep - being a 7 year old again may be a nice change of pace right now.

While I realize that to be 7 years old again isn't possible, I can always wish, can't I?  Along with the thought that I would like erased from my brain are the events that go with it.  It would be lovely if the events that brought this thought into my head could be erased too.  It's strange the thoughts that seem to get replayed over and over and over again in your head.  And honestly, nothing good can come from the thought that I cannot seem to get rid of.

The thoughts aren't suicidal or harmful, but it is annoying.  It's one of those thoughts that keeps you from moving ahead because you keep wondering, "how in the world did I even get to this point?"   * Sigh * Maybe if I just go to bed, the thought will magically vanish.  I can only wish.

Feeling Adrift

Last night as I was talking to David while on my way to the gym, I realized that what is really bothering me lately is that I feel "adrift".  By this I mean that I am lacking a feeling of belonging.  One could hardly blame me for feeling this way.  In the past couple of months, my department at work has gone from 20 people with a very talented leader to 4 with no leader to speak of.  When the practice lead left last Friday, there was no e-mail or any sort of communication sent out.  In fact, we would not have known he was leaving if he didn't personally tell us himself.

Add to that the fact that in June, I was on the verge of getting an offer from my client but because my current company partners are just selfish it was pretty much squashed.  Nobody wants to pay 30% of my first year's salary as a finders fee.  In fact, the industry average is somewhere around 15% to 20% of the candidates first year salary and that's when the search firm actually BRINGS the candidate to a client.  Instead, I brought the client to my consulting company.

Then, there is the fact that I enjoy working with my client; I enjoy the people and the atmosphere.  I realize it is far from perfect but for now, it would suit my needs.  But, a real sense of belonging isn't there either because I am not an employee.  It's nice that people I work with treat meas as though I am and to an outsider, I would probably be considered an employee.  But, there are things like company functions that I am not aware of and department meetings that I don't attend.  Plus, my contract with the client is over in December which adds to the "temporary-ness" of my situation.

Don't even get me started about home life.  The oldest one is going to be 4 at the end of this month and like all children, they grow up and start wanting their independence.  While he isn't going to be shaving or dating or moving out very soon, he doesn't want to be cuddled as much as he used to.  It's to be expected and it's normal and I know all that stuff.  But, it doesn't take away from the detached feeling I've been having lately.

I never really thought that I would need to feel a sense of belonging.  Okay, so I never gave it much thought.  For the first time in a long time (probably around the time I walked away from my accounting career and took a job as a glorified temp back in 1999/2000), I feel really adrift.

Touchy Feely

There are a particular group of people that I've gotten to know pretty well at work.  Every once in awhile we go out for lunch, dinner, or drinks - it's pretty casual and I enjoy the people I work with.  Earlier this week I was working late and one of the people I work with happened to be working late too.  We sat around and chatted for a while before I returned to the work that I was doing.

A few minutes later I felt a hand on my shoulder - squeezing my shoulder in a familiar way.  It was the person that I work with.  I pretty much ignored the familiar shoulder squeeze because at the time I didn't think anything of it.  A few minutes later I felt a hand rubbing the back of my shoulder.  It was the same person and again I didn't think anything of it.  And it's not like I've never touched a co-worker; there are high fives (annoying) and handshakes and hugs for people I work with that I have a PERSONAL relationship with, but never rubbing.

I know you're probably asking, "What are you thinking?".  I ask myself that same thing too.  I think I honestly was wrapped up in what I was trying to finish and I didn't think about what happened until I was in my car on my way home.  Seriously, I didn't.  And, I am the kind of person to brush that kind of stuff off unless it's blatant.  Blatant like someone were to pat me on the behind (never happened) or cop a boob feel.  I'm not sensitive to small things. 

But, on my way home I realized that my co-worker just touched me in a familiar way that was a little odd.  The more I thought about it, the more I wondered if I should be offended.  I came to the realization - after talking with David - that maybe it was just an oversight on my co-workers part  David thinks that this person felt comfortable enough with me to edge towards, if not cross over, the boundaries of what is acceptable work behavior. 

So, how will I deal with this?  I think that it is best to ignore the event and if it happens again I will just tell this person that I'm uncomfortable with the whole "touchy-feely" thing.  I would hate for that to happen because then I would have to stop talking with this person and this person is funny and nice and I actually enjoy working with them.  But, seriously if this happened again, it would be the end of all that.

Rising Above

Yesterday my client and I had an update meeting in which I was really worried that she would tell me that I was fired.  I only felt this way because lately I'm feeling as though the work situation with the consulting company I am working FOR and having issues with is really starting to take its toll.  I'm cranky and I feel as though I am not adding value to my client.

So this morning, I decided that I was going to take the advice of my former Practice Director and friend.  He told me to "Rise above" the mess that was going on back in the office - the office in which I never have to work in.  And, he's right.  I never have to go into the office and I really don't have to deal with the guys at the company I work for.  I just have to make sure that I get paid on time and that my commission check is accurate.

I don't like working this way, but at least I enjoy the people I work with at my client.  Lately, life has seemed full of drama - more so than the usual amount - and the best thing I think is to quit wallowing in it, rise above, and ignore the stuff that I am able to.  That'd be the drama from the consulting company I work FOR.  The way I see it, I have my hands full with the important stuff (the boys - hubby included, studying for a test, going to the gym, losing weight, and the client I'm consulting AT).

I've Scheduled D-Day

Yesterday I scheduled the day that I will be taking this dreaded exam I keep talking about.  I'm sure it won't be THAT bad, but until I get there I will be obsessing about it.  Things certainly have changed since I took the last certification test waaaaay back in 1992.  Actually, I found out that the place where I'm taking this exam also offers the last certification test I took which means that both tests are computer based tests.  Call me a little old-fashioned but I like the paper and pencil days of testing.

I guess those days are over because almost all standardized tests are computer based.  This means that the ACT, SAT, and GMAT are all done on computers.  Lucky for me, the test that I am going to be taking is not a progressive test (i.e., the questions get harder based on whether or not you got the last question correct).  I swear that if I were going to school in 2008 I would definitely note do as well on any test that was administered via computer.

So now I have a definite date when I have to be ready which is a good thing and also a bad thing.  It's good because there's a point in time when I have to be read and it's bad because the date is not too far in the future.  Actually, it's the middle of this month.  Did I have to schedule the test that early?  No I didn't have to but I just wanted to get it over with.  I wanted to make sure that it was soon enough that I could retain the information from the class, but far enough away that I would have time to study.  For someone who has always loved, loved, loved school, this thing is giving me hives!

Too Busy to Think; Too Tired to Care

I'm writing this post on Saturday night, but really it's close enough to the midnight mark to be a post for Sunday.  Saturday was a harrowing day.  We purchased a cat litter chest so that the cat litter pan would be hidden away from the world and I spent an hour or so putting it together.  I've become a regular little Bob the Builder.

I also made some biscotti; two batches in fact - one chocolate with cherries and the other almond with chocolate chips.  I also made a batch of chocolate pudding for the boys, ran to the Container Store to get more hangers and plastic boxes to organize the art stuff, and ran to the Petco to get a new litter box.

After I got home, David was playing with the boys in the yard so I set up their paints and let them paint to their hearts content.  I didn't study anymore because I wanted to enjoy the rest of my weekend, but I'm exhausted - mentally and emotionally.  I hate feeling like this and I wish I knew what it was that was making me feel so emotionally bankrupt.  I know that keeping myself busy makes me think about all of it and prevents me from wallowing, but eventually I know that I will have to deal with it.

When I was in elementary school, I had a poster that hung on my wall of a chimpanzee laying out in the sun.  The chimp had a pair of eye glasses on and was surrounded by books.  The line on the poster said, "When I feel like studying, I just lay down and wait for the feeling to go away."  I'm starting to wonder if I just lay down if the yucky feelings I'm having will just "go away."  I can always hope, can't I?

Stupid Girl

I took a practice exam and sat through 200 questions of the most boring crap.  And, the end result?  I got a 58% percent.  Yes, that's right - I did a little better than if I just randomly guessed.  So, this morning I am hyperventilating and ready to cry.  I'm ready to cry because I spent $3,000.00 of my family's savings on a class and I am nowhere NEAR ready to take this freakin' exam.

Yeah, I know that eventually I will get there and it will take a little study time on my part, but exactly WHEN am I going to find time to study?  I will have to clear time on my already crammed schedule and I will have to let David know that I will need to study.  For how long exactly?  I'm not sure.  I just have to study and take another practice exam or two to figure out when I'm ready.

I hate this mainly because I'm not used to having academic crap NOT come so easily to me.  Yeah, yeah I probably have "Mommy Brain" but honestly being "smart" was something that seemed to come so easily to me.  It was one of my better traits - I wasn't the "cute" one or the "funny" one, but I was the "smart" one.  I am sure that I'm just being ridiculous, right?  Right?  I'm just being ridiculous?  Ugh - what if my brain HAS gone to mush!?!

That song, "Stupid Girl" by Garbage is now looping over and over in my head.  I think I just need to get up and walk away.  I swear if I continue on like this, I am going to find a nice comfortable spot in the nearest loony bin!