Chicago Chick

Shoe Store Behavior

Women and shoes are like peanut butter and jelly.  I used to kid that I loved shoes so much because I'm Filipino and Imelda Marcos and I are of the same people.  Today I went to DSW and I actually bought something.  Normally, I go to that store and come out with nothing, nada, zip.  I guess I'm really picky about my shoes.

Anyway, I spent about 45 minutes looking at the shoes and tried about 10 pairs of shoes on - all black, all pointy toed, and all with at least 2 1/4 inch heels.  I'm nothing if I'm not predictable.  I found 2 pairs of shoes and started down the boot aisle before I realized that I would never leave that place if I started on the boots.  After all, it is boot, lipstick, and sweater season (fall).

While I was at the store I observed some interesting behavior of my fellow shoppers.  In one aisle there was a girl about the age of 14 who was sitting in a chair with her Crocs (ugh - so ugly) on.  She was playing a video game on one of those portable game things and complaining to her mother how much she hated shoes.  I swear I almost fell over!  Her mother just looked at me, rolled her eyes and said, "I used to be like that until I turned 15 or 16 and then you couldn't get me out of the shoe departments."

Then, in the next aisle there was a couple - the girl was looking for shoes and her guy was grabbing the shoe horns and anything he could get his hands on.  He made quite the scene when he pulled the box of footies on the floor and started tossing them around like they were rubber bands.  I don't think the girl could have run away from him fast enough.

While I was in the check out line, I noticed that there was a woman who had at least 10 pairs of shoes.  All of the shoes were the exact same shoe in the exact same size.  Either she just loved, LOVED, LOVED those shoes or she was buying shoes for a wedding party whose participants were all the same exact size (10 M).  I'm thinking that it's the former and not the later.  By the time I left, I had purchased 2 pairs of shoes for the price that I would have paid had I purchased them at Nordstroms.  But, I doubt that I would have had as much fun buying them at Nordstroms.

Sunshine and Happiness Second Guessed

The announcement that I will be joining the new company went out an e-mail yesterday and I spent the better part of the day answering congratulatory e-mails.  I will be spending part of next week cleaning out my new office and figuring out what tasks are priority for me.  I'm actually sad that I'm going to have an office because that means that I won't be able to socialize with co-workers as much.  Plus, there is a perception that "office people" are the ones you cannot trust or talk to which with me is really untrue.  I asked for a cube, but was told that I absolutely had to take the office.  Fine.

Yesterday I had dinner with my new boss, the CIO, and a handful of new co-workers where the announcement that I was joining was unofficially made.  It should have been a "sunshine and happiness" moment but events that occurred shortly before the get-together made me realize that the people that I trust aren't necessarily truly trustworthy.

On my way to the bar, I was walking with 3 co-workers that I didn't know that well.  One of the guys, D, and I were talking and our conversation went like this:

D: So is what is being said about you in the rumor mill true?
Me: Tell me what the rumor is and I will tell you if it's true.
D: I can't tell you what the rumor is, but it has to do with you, the VP of IT, and the CIO being buddies.
Me: They don't treat me any different than they treat you, so I'd say that the rumor is probably not true.
D: I can't tell you what the rumor is.
Me: If you ask me a question that has to do with this rumor I will answer it honestly.
D: Okay - so will you always be a consultant?
Me: Absolutely - I don't think that my way of thinking and my approach to work will ever not be consultant-like.
D: Hmmm, so the rumor is probably untrue.

After the unofficial announcement, D came up to me and said that I lied to him.  I responded that I didn't lie - he asked the wrong question.  What he should have asked me is if I were joining the company as an employee which I would have had to answer "yes".  He said that I was being evasive which was also ridiculous.  The disturbing part was when I asked who he heard the rumor from, he told me that it was one of my co-workers (AK) that I trusted.

My co-worker heard the news from her boss who heard the news from my new boss AND my boss told that person NOT to say anything.  There were instances of D blabbing gossip around the office and I never knew who his source was, but now I know - it's AK - because the gossip that was getting around was about things she knew or was told by other trusting co-workers.  What's upsetting is that I trusted my co-worker, AK, and now I know that I can't trust her anymore. 

One of the things that I liked about coming to work for the company I'm going to be working for is that I have friends there and I won't feel so much like an island.  But, now that I know that I have to be on guard as to what I say (or don't say), I'm not feeling so comfortable anymore.  I'm wondering if I made a mistake.

Keeping Secrets

It's strange not being able to tell people where I'm going to be working and by people I mean the people that I work with at the client and the people at the consulting company.  I've always been pretty mum on where I'm going when I give notice because I would prefer that people know that I'm leaving and that's it.  Usually, I tell some close co-workers where I am headed to because I know that I can trust them and so far, this tactic has worked.

This time, I have told NOBODY where I'm going and it's hard to keep that secret.  Okay, I've told ONE person but they don't work with me and don't know who I currently work for so it's like telling the wind.  One of the things that I know that I'm good at is being discreet.  There have been a number of secrets, such as knowing a full week ahead of time that a co-worker is going to get let go, that I've kept to myself.  For some reason people trust me with their secrets and feel that they can tell me almost anything.

I think that this is the case because I do keep people's secrets.  Good news of engagements and pregnancies as well as bad news of who's getting let go or who's having an affair are not my news to tell - unless of course the person who tells me the news asks me to say something.  I enjoy my friendships with my clients, co-workers, and everyday friends and am proud that they confide in me.  I am also proud that they know I won't go blabbing their news or secrets all over the place.

But, I have a hard time keeping my own secrets.  After all, it is my decision to tell or not to tell and because I'm very honest it's difficult for me NOT to tell.  There are other secrets of mine that I keep and lately one of the secrets is eating away at me.  However, to let the cat out of the bag would bring on events that I am just not prepared to deal with at the moment.  And, I'm not sure if there will ever be a time when I talk about it.

New Beginnings

Today is the beginning of my last full week working for the consulting company that has given me much heartburn and heartache over the past year.  There are so many things that I am looking forward to with my new job and this time I think my expectations are realistic.  I am expecting that every day isn't going to be sunshine and happiness.  If, at the end of the week, I can feel a small sense of being productive then it's all good.  There are other reasons why I decided to take this offer versus the other offers I was lucky to get.

Some of them are family-related like being able to be home and not having to travel.  The fact that it's less than an hour commute away was a deal maker as well as the fact that insurance benefits are really good and very inexpensive.  Then, there were the social reasons like the fact that I really like my co-workers.  I like that they are excited to have me work at the company after I was a consultant there years and years ago and I liked that they included me on social functions even though I wasn't a "real" employee.

I am happy that I will be able to actually PLAN for things like dinners out with friends or time for hanging out with the boys.  There are things that make me sad like the fact that by taking this job I will be kissing my consulting career with a certain software company good-bye.  The new release of the software has been out for over a year and has become stable so companies are interested in implementing it.  By stepping away from consulting and implementations of this software at this particular time, I will be taking myself out of the market - permanently.  It's a scary proposition for me especially given how much I've loved consulting.

But, things transition and I seem to have an 8 year life with careers.  I spent the first 8 years of my working life in the finance/accounting area and the last 8 in consulting.  I'm hoping that the next 8 years are as exciting, prosperous, and challenging as my time in consulting.  Lord knows that the next 8 years will give me LOTS of fodder to write about.

Things Ultimately Do Get Better

This time last year I was completely stressed out.  By "completely" I mean that I was even more stressed out than I usually am.  Last year we were closing on the sale of our home in the city; moving and packing and moving (I don't want to relive the lesson that David learned about hiring movers); and dealing with preschool anxiety.  And, a few short weeks later this time last year I would begin to deal with work issues - some things are a constant, what can I say?

But, this year things are a little different.  I'm afraid to say that things have settled down because every time I think things are going well, something happens.  It's like the "crap police" assigned to watch over me and wreak havoc on my life go on a coffee break or something.  Let's just say I don't want to jinx anything, but things are A LOT better this year than they were last.  And, the cause of my sensitive nose that I wrote about isn't because I'm pregnant.  It's because onions happen to have a funny smell and I've always had a sensitive nose.  My friend, Mama Eye, once accused me of being a vampire because of my sensitive sense of smell.

Granted, I am up at 5:30 in the morning on a Sunday doing work for Monday but for the most part things are better.  The work situation is on the verge of working out, at least in the short term.  The interviews I've been going on have yielded a promising new job and in the nick of time since I gave notice without really having something "real" in hand.  Yeah, that is the last time I do something that crazy - especially since I have bigger responsibilities.  Normally I wouldn't do something like that but David thought that it was better to be stressed out looking for a job than stressed out, looking for a job, and on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I'm not completely over moving to the 'burbs and I'm in the city more than I'm not - ironic, huh.  But, the boys are in schools that they enjoy and David is starting to make friends with the neighbors and random moms from the local park.  Things are not complete bliss, but that's okay.  When you focus on the day to day drama that can happen, sometimes you forget that things ultimately do get better.  Or, at least they usually do for me and that makes me one of the lucky ones.

Because I'm So Good at Talking

So today I had an interview at a consulting company.  Some people can't stay away from casinos or spas, but in my case, I cannot seem to stay away from interviewing with consulting companies.  I am asked on numerous occasions what I like so much about consulting and my answer is always the same.  I love the fast paced environment; I love that I am always learning; and I love that I am expected to add value at the client site; and most importantly I genuinely like my clients.  It's cheesy but true - even those clients that drive me crazy.

It's such a true statement that I've managed to keep in touch with at least one person from every client that I've worked with.  And, I don't keep in touch with them for more business either.  I keep in touch with them because after spending anywhere from 3 months to 18 months with them, I genuinely like them.  In the time that I've spent with them, I've gotten to know them as people and hopefully they've gotten to know me.

The feedback I got from the interview was that the people I spoke to really liked me.  Or, so the recruiter says.  I spoke to David and told him about the feedback I received and David said that I was good at interviewing because I had so much practice.  When I asked him what he meant by that, he said, "You're good at interviewing because you're so good at talking."  Hmmm - now that's an interesting way of looking at it.

Hey, The Sidewalk is Dry (and Other Things)

I think that the rain has finally stopped.  The weather is supposed to be sunny - just in time for work on Monday.  Why does that happen?  We get 2 days of being away from work.  Would it be too much to ask to have descent weather during the weekends?  Around 6:00 this evening, I looked outside and noticed that the driveway across the street was dry save a little puddle at the end of the driveway.

On the topic of other things.  Lately I've been feeling really sick (pukey sick) and this evening as I sat at the kitchen table I got a whiff of onion from a Jimmy John's sub and just wretched.  It reminded me of the reaction that I had to smells when I was pregnant with either of the boys.  For a second, the thought of running to the drug store to pick up a pregnancy test entered my mind.  There's a very, VERY slim chance that I'd be pregnant, but still.

I'm not due to have my period until Friday, so I think I'll wait.  I'm trying not to think about the possibility of me being pregnant because as much as I would love the child if I were pregnant, I think that resources are a bit scarce around our house.  There isn't enough money or time or patience from any adult in this house.  But, I don't think that it makes sense to worry - yet.

Down Came the Rain Again and Again and Again

It's been raining like crazy here in the Chicagoland area.  I was about to type Chicago, but I forget that I'm in the 'burbs and the suburb I happen to live in has a history of flooding.  Luckily, we live near a major intersection and our street does not flood.  Unluckily for my sister, her street is completely flooded and the water level on the sidewalk an hour or so ago was ankle deep.  She told me that the water was half way up her driveway.

All this weather is compliments of Hurricane Ike.  Even though Ike is down in Texas, the impact to the weather can be felt all the way in Illinois.  There are many things that frustrate me about having a house.  There's the cost of upkeep and the fact that there is always a possibility that the basement will flood.  Then, there is the fact that we purchased my parents' house and a lot (and I mean a lot) of their stuff is still in our basement.

Part of me wants to lie and say that the basement flooded and all their stuff is ruined, but I find it hard to lie.  On the other hand, there is more of their junk filling up the basement than our stuff.  Tempting - so tempting.  Normal logic would tell me to tell them to take their stuff out of the basement, but I've tried that and it hasn't helped.  If anything it made things more tense.

So let me ask you - would you just tell them that the basement flooded and their stuff was gone?  Seriously, I am asking.  The stuff that is down there are things that are worth nothing (mostly paper) in the worst garage sale.  So, really, what would you do?

Freakin' GO TO BED

I'm in a very VERY bad mood.  I came home today from work after surviving a tough week to a very cranky and impossible toddler.  After all, this week I did give notice to the consulting company I currently work for.  The oldest one did not nap and was being a complete - well - asshole.

I don't normally go around calling my 4 year old son an asshole, but that is how he was behaving.  He wouldn't come when I called; ignored me when I talked to him; wouldn't eat dinner; kept popping out of bed; and really, was just being an asshole.  Finally, when my 4 year old asked if I would lay down with him and snuggle, I gave in.  I really thought that he would just fall asleep - we were comfortable and snuggly.

But, it wasn't to be.  He kept saying that he was hungry only to sit and stare and say that he was sleepy when we put the hamburger that we were having for dinner in front of him.  That happened about 3 or 4 times before I completely lost it and said in a growling voice, "GO TO FREAKIN' BED ALREADY BEFORE I REALLY LOSE MY TEMPER!"  I hate that I'm a "yelling" parent but it is what I am when I'm pushed to my limit.

I cannot understand why my 4 year old is being such a pain in the butt.  Usually I can get him to go to bed, but for whatever reason tonight was terrible.  Ugh!  Parenting, truly the most rewarding job, but the most ridiculously frustrating!

It's That Time of Year, I Guess

Yes, folks it's that time of the year again.  The time when I decide to change jobs - again.  In the past, I've written about changing jobs here in October, 2007 and again here in September, 2006 and I'm sure I would have changed jobs in 2005 but I was too busy being pregnant with my youngest son.  However, I did change jobs in October, 2004 right after I had my first son and decided that I couldn't go back on the road. 

And, even though the multiple job changes seem ridiculous - with the exception of the one back in October, 2004 - none of them have been mistakes.  Each one has given me the opportunity to either meet someone who would eventually help me out with my next job search or meet someone who I have been able to help with their job search.

So today I gave my current company notice and I'd say that I'm right on schedule.  I'm hoping not to have a repeat of this situation next year, but I'm not going to say never.  I'm finishing out the contract with my current client before I go off and start my new job which I won't be discussing here.  In a time when jobs are scarce, I have to say that I know how lucky I am.  I am lucky that I am able to change jobs when the work situation I am currently in has stopped working for me.  I also know that I have taken great pains to make sure that my background and work experience is very well rounded.

By this I mean, the time that I've spent maintaining my contacts; the time and financial burden I've taken on to pay for my advanced degree; and most recently the time and financial expense that I've taken on to earn a certification.  I honestly never thought that when one of my managers from my first job out of college told me to "manage my career" that I would take that piece of advice as seriously as I have.  I may not do a lot of things right, but I know that I've managed my career well.  Sometimes with all the drama going on, I forget that.

Day One - Done

Today was day one of my final 30 days at my client. Since the 30 day notice was given, I am feeling completely out of control and the only thing that is keeping me focused is the meetings I need to attend and the tasks that are due. I have meetings with a recruiter tomorrow and an interview with a company in the next few weeks.

I'm trying not to think about it because I end up working myself into a frenzy - not a good thing. I'm hanging in there and for now I've made it through day 1. Hopefully tomorrow will be just as busy so I don't have to think too much.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Used To

It's been very stressful in our house lately.  On my side there is work and the boys and for David it is all about the boys.  I'm sure that he's not feeling very good about the "daddy oops" that was made this week.  I have been making sure that I don't rub the mistake in his face because I know that he's doing what he can.  I also know that given a choice, he would rather go back to work, but he knows that being home is better for the kids.

Still, it's hard to pretend that nothing is wrong and so when things have gotten tense this weekend I've put on my headphones and tried to give David some space.  Lately I've been listening to some Daughtry - the song that seems to hit home for me is "Used To" and every so often I catch myself humming it.

For those of you who don't know it, here it is below:

Honestly there was a time when David and I were very much in sync.  It was a long time ago before the boys and before I ever felt like an adult.  I met my husband when I was 21 years old and in the past 16 years that we've known each other (11 of those years married), I have grown up.  I'm definitely not the same person that I used to be - it's a good thing and a not so good thing.  I think that sometimes people just grow up and grow apart.  But, I also believe that people who grow apart can somehow grow together again.  I am hoping that is what happens for us.

I have told people that I probably married the wrong person and to some extent I still believe that.  However, I also know that the man that I am married to knows me better than anyone and is able to call me to the carpet when I'm full of shit - I haven't met anyone (friend, former boyfriends, family) that can do that.  In that sense, he IS the right person.  I don't know the right answer to the question: Did you marry the right guy.  I'm just hoping that one day the days of being in sync come back.

Lessons Learned

I've had some time to think about the events of late and even though they haven't been the happiest days of my life, I realize that there are some good things that have come out of it all.  After all, it just wouldn't be like me to NOT try to find something good in all this stuff. 

A year ago, we were packing up our home in Chicago and moving out to the "Temp House" in a nearby suburb.  It's been a long journey since then and the past 2 days have merely been a blip.  If I can survive selling a house in a crappy market, dealing with my son's very first days of preschool, moving into a house WITHOUT movers and then hiring some to move the rest of our crap, then all this stuff is a day at the beach.  So, what can I take away from all of this?

• Always try to find the humor in the bad stuff: The funny in the events of late are that when I spoke about how annoyed I was with my company, they offered me a promotion.  When I told them I wasn't interested, they offered me a "second in command" position within my practice.  My husband sent my oldest son commando to preschool when the boy wasn't completely potty trained.  Seriously, it's all funny - you can't make this stuff up!
• I did a great job of managing my career: Former clients have contacted me and would like to hire me.  One of my clients has a position for an IT Finance Manager job that they were trying to get their Accounting department to fund but refused.  When my resume was floated past the Accounting department for review, they changed their minds about funding it and wanted to hire me.  In a time where unemployment is up, my prospects for a new job are actually pretty good because I've worked to make sure that my skills are up to date and my background is "well rounded."
• Times like these make you realize what's important: I am not a saint and I'm angry at my husband for making the "father faux pas" that he did with my oldest son - the underpants incident.  But at the end of the day, my concern is for my sons.  Their needs of happiness, safety, and security take precedence over anything else and the other stuff is just not as pressing.  When you have a goal to focus on, you realize that it's easier to prioritize life.
• I hate being a bitch: I am actually a nice person.  I don't get off on being mean and belligerent.  I'd rather not tell the partners of the consulting company I work for that they're leadership skills are laking and I don't take joy in calling them names.  It may be a little Pollyanna-like, but I truly believe that people should be truthful and honest and they should do what they actually say that their going to do and act the way that they should.
• Know your self worth: I can't go into the details of this one.  Actually, I didn't write about what was going on with this and I probably never will.  But, suffice it to say that if you expect people to treat you a certain way because you don't think you're worthwhile, then they will treat you that way.  It's sad but true.  Every girl/woman should know their own worth and shouldn't compromise.

So, these past few days have not been a complete loss.  Although, it's not Monday yet and who knows what this coming week holds for me.  Whatever it may happen, I hope that I can hold it together and get through it with some grace and dignity.

And the Fun Just Keeps Coming

You would think that fate would be kind to me given the events of yesterday, but fate is cruel sometimes.  Although today wasn't nearly as bad as yesterday, it was not what I would call a good day.  I did get some good news this morning, but I don't want to talk about it because it may jinx it.  Suffice it to say that I see the light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Today my client gave me written notice that they were exercising their "30 day termination clause" of the contract.  The original contract was supposed to go until the end of the year, but it's been cut short.  This is not the best news in the world, but it is what it is.  I cannot go into specifics about their decision but suffice it to say that 30 days from now I will not be working for my client and I will be on the bench.  My hope is that the company that I work for will lay me off.

Why would I ask for such a thing?  Well, because I will be heads down trying to tie up loose ends with my client and won't have time to interview.  I'd rather be straight-forward and honest about my intentions to interview so that I don't have the pressure of having to try to fake being happy at my company whilst I sit on the bench unassigned.  So, it's either lay me off or pay me to sit on the bench and interview.  The later would probably stress me out beyond belief.  Plus, if there is a co-worker that could be spared, then I'd rather go this route.

So, when I dropped off the official letter to one of the partners of the consulting company I work for, she called in the other partner that is responsible for the practice I belong to.  I had to rehash the entire thing from yesterday even though the partner I was rehashing it for was told about what happened - that demonstrates just how much of a lummox this person really is.  I relived the entire episode for the fool and was very honest about how I felt.  I wanted to make sure that he understood very clearly how I felt about how he handled things and I swear he didn't get it.  He just kept making excuses for the things that he did - bad excuses.

At one point he actually said, "Since you were on a long term project, I didn't think that you needed to be told about what was going on in the office" and since one of the partners had already spoken to me about my co-worker's departure he "thought it was taken care of and didn't think that he needed to contact me."  Seriously, this is the kind of management that runs the consulting company I work for.  So, because I was on a project I shouldn't worry about my career or what direction the practice I belong to is taking? 

I am glad that it's Friday because if I ended up having another day like I did today, headlines would read: "Annoyed Consultant Loses Her Mind When She's Forced to Rehash - Yet AGAIN - Why She is Unhappy With Her Current Company"

But, on the plus side - because every bad day has a plus side, my oldest son is making great strides in potty training (thanks to my husband who has - I think - gotten part of the message).  And, I spoke to his principal and he doesn't have to leave preschool - YET.

Worst Day EVER!

Today was an especially crappy day for me.  My client came past my office this morning and told me that the word on the street was that the consulting company I work for was "going under."  I was a bit surprised.  I mean, I knew that things were not going well but I didn't think that they were that dire.  Luckily (or unluckily) my client is right across the street from the consulting company that I work for and I walked over to the offices to find out what was going on.

After speaking with the HR Manager, the Office Manager, and the CEO of my company, I was told that the rumor that I heard was really just that - a rumor.  Then we started talking about my dissatisfaction with working for the company.  I explained that I was unhappy with the way that my departure from my first client with this company was handled.  I also explained that I was disappointed in the way that the lay-off of my manager and subsequent leaving of the Chicago practice lead was communicated which was NOT AT ALL.

I stated my case rather firmly and loudly and used some choice words for the partner that dealt with my first project with the company as well as for the partner that is in charge of now running the practice I belong to.  I didn't mince words and I was probably more vocal that I should have been.  I believe I asked them to lay me off if there was another round of firings coming.  It was a ridiculous request since I'm currently on a project and am bringing money in the door.  Let's be serious, I'm ALWAYS bringing money in the door so the chances of me getting laid off are pretty slim.

The sad thing was that even after I loudly voiced my displeasure with the company despite half a dozen opportunities given to them to do the right thing, they offered me the Chicago practice lead role.  The CEO talked about building a practice around me which I thought was absurd.  When I told them that I wasn't interested, they told me to "think it over."  Seriously.  I left the hour meeting completely annoyed that they hadn't heard anything that I said.

When I got back to the office, I had time to grab lunch and attend a meeting right before I received a phone call from my son's preschool teacher.  Now, I know that I'm new at this preschool thing, but I do know that a call from the teacher is NEVER a good thing.  I was right because his teacher was calling to tell me that he had an "accident" - the pants wetting kind.  She went on to say that he came to school without a pull up and without any underpants.  Yeah - I was shocked and had to ask her to repeat what she said.

Apparently David "forgot" to put any underwear on our oldest son and sent him to preschool in jeans.  Seriously.  So, while I was trying to scrape myself off the office walls, I was hearing how my son didn't have a change of clothes and didn't have any extra underpants or pull ups in his backpack.  Actually, he didn't have his backpack because I packed that stuff in there.  I was then told that my husband, who insisted on being the primary parent to contact, was not answering his phone.

I immediately called David and the teacher was correct, he did NOT answer the phone.  It wasn't until I called the house phone that I finally got a hold of him and that is when my head just spun around 360 degrees and exploded.  David went to go get our son but didn't think to bring a change of clothes for him, so our 4 year old had to ride in a car with wet pants.  The teacher told us that we needed to speak to the principal and that there was a good chance that our son would be asked to leave preschool.

Just when I was getting over our preschool experience from last year, something like this happens and I'm to clean up a mess yet again.  The sad thing is that David didn't "man up" to what he did - there were a zillion reasons why the teacher was wrong and that our son did have underpants on.  In the end, he was wrong and he still didn't own up to it.

The point of this post isn't to lambaste my husband or to show what a crappy father he is.  The point of my post is to vent and to try to get my head around how crappy a day it was.  I don't necessarily want to relive the events - ever again - but I need to purge.  What I was left with before the end of a very long day was the fall out of these 2 little events in my life.  It's amazing to me that 2 things could wreak such havoc.  Not only did I have to "have it out" with the company I work for but I also had to find my son a (potential) new preschool and remind my husband that he is responsible for things like putting underwear on the boys before they leave the house.

I am truly amazed that I haven't lost it entirely and that I was able to complete a full day's worth of work.  I am truly amazed that co-workers that are my client's employees were as supportive as they were.  I am truly amazed that even though it was a crappy, CRAPPY day that I am able to carry on.  Seriously, I think I'm crazy.

Shame on You

Shame on you M for cheating on your wife and shame on you for thinking that she would be a party to your cheating party.  Married life may not be rainbows and sunshine 24/7, but when things get hard you don't cheat on your spouse and you certainly don't drag someone into your mess.

I wonder if M knows that the woman sitting at the Panera Bread was crying her eyes out to her friend about how he lead her on.  I doubt it - because what awful guy (1) does that to his wife and (2) leads someone on that isn't his wife and is another married person.  I wonder if M knows that the woman that I'm seeing sitting, heartbroken that even if either of them were single, M is missing out a terrific person.

I wonder if M knows how much my friend is hurting even though what she almost did was a severe lapse in judgment.  It was just a kiss - a passionate kiss - according to my friend with the terrible judgment, but it meant something to her.  And now, now she has to work with him and see him everyday.  She has to manage his project and it's sad and not fair.  I suppose I could sit in judgment and tell her that she deserves what she gets, but I can't.  I can't because everyone has lapses in judgment.  I can't pass judgment on her because she's my friend and to some extent I understand how she feels. 

Her husband doesn't pay attention to her even though she is ridiculously pretty and fun.  Her smile lights up the room and she doesn't even know it.  My friend deserves better - even though she had a bad lapse in judgment.  I realize that what she did was as wrong as what M did, but I know my friend and I know that she really did/does care for him.  I also know M and what he did was wrong and hurtful and selfish.

Trapped in a Blog

When I started writing in a journal, I was 9 years old and it was a Minnie Mouse journal that my aunt bought me as a souvenir from her trip to Disney World.  I'm sure that she never guessed that it would open such a huge world to me and that I'd continue to keep a paper journal for almost 20 years.  I am certain that she never guessed that I would be keeping a blog online.  So, after 16 years of keeping a paper journal and then 11 years of keeping a journal online what's the difference between the two?

With a paper journal, I am able to write anything and by this I mean that I don't have to censor myself.  When I first started writing online I didn't feel the need to censor myself because I didn't write under my real name and the people who would visit and read my blog really didn't know me.  And for the longest time there wasn't really a difference between what I'd write in a paper journal and what I would write online.  It isn't so much that I care what people who I don't know think of me that would cause me to think about what I write.  Instead, it is the people who I do know or who know me whose opinions I care deeply about.

A lot of people I know password protect an entry or two, but I hesitate to do that because if I'm going to keep a journal online then it has to be something that everyone can read.  The things that I don't want people to know are the things that I don't write about.  It's a shame because there are some things that I'm thinking and feeling lately that I would love to write about, but I can't.  I can't because they aren't things that I'd want people to comment about or necessarily KNOW about me.  I'm human and the things that I'm going through I am certain are normal, but they are things that I'd rather keep private.  It's a shame because the feelings and thoughts I'm having are ones that I'd love to be able to go back and remember.

It would be easy to start keeping a paper journal again and I've thought about it, but it's tough to keep a blog AND a written journal.  One always gets neglected and it's usually the written one.  So, that is my dilemma - I have things on my mind that I can't talk about and really should be able to which makes me, at times, feel trapped in my blog.  I realize that some people keep an online blog because they like the attention, but that was never my reason for keeping a blog.  For me it was always an outlet and I enjoy the comments and support I get.  I don't think I'll stop writing online, but I am giving serious thought to starting a written journal again.