Chicago Chick

Losing Something That Was Never Really Yours

I've made mention of an event that happened in my life that I need to get over.  I'm still not going to go into the details of what it was and instead, talk around it.  This past week I think I've finally gotten over the event although, like with anything, there are things that I am left with.  One of those things is the sense of loss.

For those of you ho know what the event was (all ONE of you), I am sure that you're probably thinking "Loss?  There was nothing to lose!"  To some extent that is true.  But, there are things that are lost like a sense of trust and some self-respect.  But, the loss that I am talking about is the loss of a friendship.  Yes, the other party was my friend even though what happened would probably indicate otherwise.

Maybe it's because I'm a sappy, sensitive person that I feel this sense of loss.  But, things with this person are not the same and they never will be.  There is a strained tension when (or if) we talk.  Even the easy pleasantries are not easy nor are they pleasant anymore and it's a shame.  There are not a lot of people that I would call a friend; people are usually acquaintances.  So for me, not having the same relationship with this person - the friend relationship - feels like a loss.

Then again, I have to ask myself if this person reallywas someone I should have considered a friend.  Either way it's hard.  Even if I lost a friend that was never really my friend in the first place - it's still a loss.  There is still a hole and I miss this person and the way it used to be.

Everything is as it Should Be

Today as I was running for the train, I realized that the conductor was the same one from as couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago I was out with the girls from work, which incidentally includes a guy - don't ask. I was running for the train and made it. My co-worker wasn't as lucky and I was foolishly going to try to get off the train to find them.

I couldn't - the train started to leave the station before I could get off. I must have had a pained look on my face because the conductor asked me if I was okay. I responded by saying, "yes, but you know how you have those days when things don't go your way?" And then I sulked back to my seat. When the conductor came by to check tickets she looked at me and said, "things are as they should be."

Tonight as I saw her, I remembered what she said to me that night. Tonight I am in a better place than I was a couple of weeks ago and I have to agree with those words she uttered to me. Things are (definitely) as they should be!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Wow - That is NOT What Happened!

Today I had lunch with someone who said something to me that left me completely floored and a little bit sick to my stomach.  Both of us were present for an event but both of us remembered it completely differently.  So differently that it made me wonder if I was at the same place at the same time with that person.

By the time lunch had been completed and we were walking back to where we came from, I realized that things I have been agonizing over really weren't worth agonizing over.  I also realized that my life and what I have is not as bad as I thought it was.  It was a sick way to learn the lesson I learned, but the point was not lost on me.  I have definitely come away with a valuable lesson.

Forever Young (and Intelligent?)

My father used to tell me when I was a kid that I should study hard and make sure that I got good grades because the key to my happiness was success.  He used to tell me not to worry about the way I looked that all that mattered was how smart I was.  "Beauty fades, but stupid is forever." is one of the ever-present mantras that I heard growing up.

My father was not always right and in this particular case I would say that he was most definitely wrong.  See, I am smart and I do have intelligence (and luckily I am not hideously ugly).  However, those that are attractive and not particularly smart are often given the benefit of the doubt.  As recent as a few months ago I went on a round of interviews and found that it was relatively easy for me to get a job offer in these hard times.  I know that it is because my resume is impeccable and I have worked hard to manage my career. 

But, I also know that it is partially because I have "good customer facing" skills.  Good customer facing skills is the acceptable code word for "not ugly" in the consulting world.  I've worked 8 years in the consulting world and I know that this is the case because I have seen many very qualified co-workers get passed up for a gig in favor of another less qualified co-worker (albeit better looking). 

In 1992 when I was graduating fro college, jobs were hard to come by and I was interviewing for an entry-level audit position at almost every big accounting firm and mid-sized accounting firm in the Chicagoland area.  I had a great resume that included an accounting internship (the experience) and I had nearly a 4.0 grade point average (the grades that they wanted), but yet I had a difficult time getting a job.  I was charming and funny and had good matters, but when it came down to it there was one thing that kept me from getting hired; it was my "customer facing skills".

I had braces back then and they thought that it didn't look good.  Seriously, I was told that.  After I landed a job - the perfect one for me I might add - I ran into a couple of the recruiters from a couple of the companies I interviewed for at a "college night" type of gathering.  I asked why it was difficult for me to find a job and they came out and said it was because of the braces.  Apparently at the time, I didn't have the "good customer facing" skills that I have now.

It's a scary to think that perception of one's ability to do a job and be successful at it relates to something that you have little to no control over.  It's sad, but true.  I'm not saying that everyone is like this and I would like to think that if I were in a situation where I would have to pick one person over another for a job and both were equally qualified by not equally attractive, that I would pick the person not based on their looks.  What I'm learning as I near the age of 40 is that I feel the pressure to keep myself as "not ugly" on the outside as well as keeping my skills up to date.  It's a daunting task at times and I'm sure that it will become harder and harder as time goes by.

In an article in the Economist, it was said that there is a premium in terms of pay for those that are considered beautiful and a penalty for those that are not.  In terms of biology, beauty is considered a marker for other characteristics such as health and intelligence.  Being "beautiful" provides "opportunities denied to the ugly, which allows them to learn things and make connections that increase their value still further."  And, in the "beauty" stuff relates to politicians and elections.  Yeah - wow!  Chew on that for a while.

Settling In

This is the time of year that I love because it's so much cooler.  I call it "lipstick, boot, and sweater weather" because, well, that's what I wear during this weather.  Lately, I've been grousing about work and dealing with personal things but this week I've been so busy at work that I've had little time to think about the things I'd been grousing about.  Funny how that works.

I've just completed my 3rd "official" week as a traditional employee and so far so good.  I'm even getting used to having an office - although when I schedule meetings, I indicate that the location is "Irene's desk".  I finally got the 2 pictures that I ordered from Art.com and they're now hanging in my office.  Plus, this week a tree (now named Winston) is sharing my space as well as 2 finger paintings from each of my sons.  Overall, I'd say that the space has taken on more of my personality.

And, things are settling down at work - or at least I'm settling down at work and getting used to juggling the craziness.

Staying Still . . . At Least For Now

These past couple of weeks I was vacillating between taking the other job offer that is (amazingly) still open to me and staying at my current job (the one I just started).  Yes, amazingly enough I was still thinking of taking the other position because of some personal issues.  But, this Friday as I was packing it up and leaving work I took a deep breath and realized that I actually want to stay.  Yeah - I said that I wanted to stay.  Part of me is a little worried now because I said that out loud.

Why the change of heart?  Because even though it's been rough these past couple of weeks I realized that there are a lot of things that I could accomplish at my new job and I love challenges.  I especially love the challenges that I think I can meet.  The things I want to accomplish aren't simple, but they're not overly complicated either and they're right up my alley.

Sure, there are things about the place that I don't like, but that is the case with every workplace.  Overall, I am pretty happy for now.  I don't intend on staying like 10 years which is the average amount of time that a person stays at this company.  Actually, the average years of service in my department is an unheard of 25 to 30 years.  * gasp! *  If that were the case, then I would probably retire from the place.

For now, I'm good.  Or, at least I think I'm good - ask me again next week because I may have changed my mind.

TGIF

I never thought the weekend would get here. Between emotional ups and downs and work stress, this has been a crazy week. It was definitely an improvement over last week, but still stressful. I can only hope that next week will be even better!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Drinking out of a Fire Hose

Things have been crazy-busy at work; so much so that this morning I was scheduling meetings and I thought, "This week is practically over!".  What a thing to say on a Tuesday morning especially since Tuesday hasn't even really begun.  The good thing about being busy is that I didn't (and don't) have time to think about the personal issue that has been plaguing me.

The bad thing about being busy is that I really don't have any time to organize and I feel like I'm constantly drinking out of a fire hose.  There is a fine line between comfortably busy and so busy that you cannot plan or think.  Right now I am in the throes of being so busy that I cannot plan or think and it is driving me crazy.  There are a zillion things at work that I want and need to do, but spent the entire day Monday not getting to them.  Instead, I spent it asking people for things that they should have already given me.

I'm trying to adjust to being in an office by myself and being an employee and so far it's been a little rocky.  Yesterday as I was spending my time updating a weekly status report, I realized that one of the things I hated about being a traditional employee (non-consultant) was that each week was pretty much the same.  For example, Mondays are spent putting together status reports and Tuesdays are spent attending meetings, etc.  People talk about the daily grind and as an employee that is what your days are like.

I miss my consulting days already.  Yes, I am still doing some of the same things for the same company as I was when I was in consulting, but now it's no longer an assignment that could end in months.  I really am trying to adjust and I'm sure I'll get there.  Luckily, I don't have time to think about anything but getting tasks completed so by the time I do have the time to stop and think, I'll probably be used to the daily grind.  Ugh - what a daunting thought!

A Zillion Degrees

There was a time when I would spend time at the laundromat on a weekly basis. I was in college and it was cheaper to pack up the dirty clothes and do laundry outside of the apartment building I lived in. Today I am at the laundromat washing our king sized comforter because it's too large to fit in out washing machine at home.

It's a bazillion degrees in here and there's no cooling system to speak of. If I were baking bread or making pizza dough, this would be the place to be. Being in here watching laundry spin gives me time to think - not a good thing. And, having a means to send e-mail (Blackberry) makes me even more dangerous to myself.

Seriously, a premenstrual Irene trying to get over something, sitting in a laundromat with nothing but time to think and a means to e-mail can lead to nothing but unhappiness on my part. It's a good thing I hate to cry in public because that's the only thing helping me keep my composure.

Yeah, Amy, this is hard.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Still Dealing With It

This past week was really, really rough and I was glad that the weekend came when it did.  On Tuesday I had a full on meltdown and one of my co-workers was actually there to see it.  Thankfully, she is one of the rare ones that I actually can still trust - there seem to be less and less of those types of people around.  I know that I can trust her because of the things that she said to me even before the meltdown.  Although I fessed up what was troubling me, I didn't give her the full details (specifically, the who that was upsetting me).  It was just better that way.

This week was my first real week as an employee at my new company.  I know that the expectations for me are high and I know that I can do what people are expecting.  However, it was extremely hard for me to concentrate.  There were things (baggage if you will) that go along with becoming an employee.  For example, when you're a brand spanking new employee someone just hands you your laptop and they take care of cleaning out our office.  When you've worked there for a while, people tell you to talk to laptop guy to get your laptop and they make you clean out your own office.

There is emotional baggage as well.  The person that I shared a cube with is an awesome guy and we got along like a house on fire from the moment we had to share a cube.  Our families have gotten together for kid related activities and my cube mate was there for me when I was dealing with the consulting company drama and when David sent our oldest son to school without any underpants.  Truly, my cube mate is a wonderful guy and has been there for me through some tough times - except he knows nothing (and will not know) about the personal issue that I'm currently dealing with.

When you've grown close to someone like that, it's difficult to move out of a shared workspace into an office where nobody really stops by to visit anymore.  It's silly, but it was heart breaking and a difficult adjustment to be without my cube mate.  Yeah, he stops by but it's not like I can just turn my head and shout something over my shoulder.  To top it off, moving to an office is pretty lonely and I am used to having people around me at all times.  Having a cube is not the best thing for privacy but I've always found that if I need to take care of something, I take my cell phone and go off somewhere.

And then there is event that I'm still dealing with and cleaning up after.  I know that it will take time for me to just get over it and I will be happy when I don't replay it over and over in my head.  I think that part of me just let the other person off the hook by saying that the issue was mine to deal with and that I wanted to go back to being friends.  There are so many unanswered questions for me and I part of me just wants to ask them.  But, I wonder if maybe it just makes more sense to let it go.

I'm Not So Nice

Thanks Amy for the quiz.

You Are a Koala

You look cute, but there's nothing cute about the way you act. You're a total brat. You like to be left alone, and if someone doesn't respect that, you are downright vicious. You do your own thing... so much so that you tend to be pretty indifferent to those around you. It is difficult for you to form emotional bonds with people - even if they want to form bonds with you.

What Animal Are You?

Lower Your Expectations

I have a friend that has been my friend since college.  We don't speak more than we actually do speak, but when I have an issue and am lucky enough to catch her via phone (when she's not training for triathlons) she always has the best advice.  A year ago, when I was at a career crisis, I was lucky enough to get MJ on the phone and she told me that my issue was not with getting jobs that were terrible.  Instead, the issue was me.

Yeah, she said it was me.  She said, "You're like me.  You have these high expectations that you hold yourself to, but those expectations are ridiculous for anyone or any job to meet."  And, she is absolutely right.  I expect a lot - of myself, of my family, and of my friends; and sometimes I don't have any right to hold people to those expectations.

Yes, I'm still talking about the "event" - bear with me Amy it takes me awhile to get past stuff.  Yesterday, towards the end of the day and via e-mail of all things, I had it out with the other participant of the "event"; I asked a question and I didn't like the answer I got.  I always tell people if you don't like the answer you got, then either (1) ask a different question or (2) ask a different person.  It was difficult for me to take my own advice.  I did unload on this person who has the gall to say that we're still friends ("close friends" as it was told to me).  I told this person that there was no way that we could be close friends and that I would always be cautious around them.

I haven't received a response to my e-mail, but after a night to think about things and clear my head, I realize that I had no right to expect that person to look out for my best interests.  They were being selfish, but so was I.  If I had received a different answer to my question - the one that lined up with what I was thinking - would the outcome be different?  Would I have considered that person still my friend?  Seriously, this is MY issue and not theirs and this is something I will have to deal with.

Thus proving that saying that you cannot change someone else's behavior; you can only change your own.  And, it extends to expectations as well because I need to learn that my expectations are just that - their MINE and if people don't live up to them, then I need to ask myself if they were realistic to begin with.

Damaged

It's been a rough weekend and at the same time a good weekend.  Rough because I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the event.  But also good because of the beautiful weather and the time that the boys, David, and I spent enjoying the weather.  It's amazing what an hour or so trying to fly a kite in weather that is totally NOT windy will do to make your toddlers tired.  We also met up with one of my co-workers and his family although we didn't get to spend a lot of time hanging out.  It's amazing how toddlers will dictate your social calendar.

I also spoke to my brother today which is a rare occurrence.  When I was in my early teens, my brother and I could actually talk to each other but as the years went on it seemed that we understood each other less and less.  Today we talked about a lot of things but the main topic was the damage that our parents have done to us and how my brother has actually moved on.

This is not intended to be a parent-bashing post.  On the contrary, my parents were very hard working and strong people who came to this country with 2 children and little else.  They had family and college degrees and that was probably all that they needed.  I know that the first years that we came to this country were not easy ones for my parents and as the years went by, they always did the best that they could.  I never felt unloved and never went without; we always were fed and lived in safe(ish) neighborhoods.  And, I have wonderful memories of my childhood with cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

But, every parent damages their child somehow and for me, my parents didn't always do the best in instilling a sense of self-worth.  The results of my lack of self-worth are evident.  I grew up with a poor body image and battle(d) an eating disorder.  But to some extent, the drive and ambition I have is rooted in my need to overcome my issues of self-confidence and it's enabled me to support my family.

In talking to my brother, he reminded me that the trick is to rise above the melee of our childhood.  That which our parents did (or didn't do) to us are the things that we need to fix as parents.  So, I am taking comfort in that I can make my sons' lives happier than my own.  I'm also learning that parenting is a hard and sometimes sucky job, but it's important to teach our children that we're not perfect and beating ourselves up over our lack of perfection is so not productive.

Looking Forward . . . to Monday

I know this is going to sound funny, but I am so looking forward to Monday.  I'm looking forward to starting my new job; to getting back into the normal swing of things; and to have a productive distraction.  When I was in school, I loved Sundays because it always meant that Monday was coming.  For a chick who loved school, Mondays were the best.  It wasn't until I got out of college and my first job required 100% travel that I started to hate Sundays.

But, with the new changes - happy new changes - I am looking forward to Monday and actually starting to like Sundays again.  Actually, I've recently started liking Sundays again and it wasn't until this moment that I realized that.  Yeah, yeah I complain about Sundays but I couldn't find a reference to this in my blog - unless you count this one from July 2007 - at least not one that was recent.  Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough.

I'm happy that I have a busy day on Monday to distract me.  I also have a boat-load to do to prep for Monday like pick up bagels for my new co-workers and find pictures to put up in my new office.  Let's just hope that the excitement that I am feeling right now doesn't fade by the time Monday comes along because that would just suck out loud!

Cleaning Up the Mess

Yesterday I eluded to doing something that I will forever regret and while I'm not going into what it was I had done, I do want to write about it.  More specifically, I want to write about the aftermath of what I did.  Sadly, there is still crap that I need to deal with before I can move on.  I have to get up, get dressed, and take care of the final part of this mess - all while trying to move past the awfulness.  But, hopefully after the last piece of mess is taken care of I can just move on.

The part that is so hard to move on has to do with the way I feel about myself.  Part of it has to do with the event and how I was "dismissed" and the other part of it has to do with the fact that the event was so close to one of my deepest insecurities.  I really do believe that you get the same lessons over and over again until you learn the lesson and for whatever reason, I seem to struggle with the issue of self-worth.  I wish I knew why this was such an issue for me because I'd love to stop having this lesson over and over again.

Would things have been different if I had the outcome been different?  Would I have felt as bad?  I have no idea; I would have to live through that before I could even guess.  And, yeah - I don't plan on reliving it.  While I realize that what I did cannot be dismissed as "no harm, no foul" I can at least get past it and take the valuable lessons that I've learned with me.  One of the lessons is that I really need to value what I have - everything I have.  Sadly, I haven't quite gotten there yet.

Things I will never do again:
1. Second guess my better judgement
2. Let my guard down
3. Take my husband for granted.

And most importantly, I will never make the same mistake as I did today.

Craziness Followed by Sore Throat and Sniffles

This week has been a whirlwind.  It's my last day working for the consulting company that I have grown to detest.  On Monday, I completed an exit interview survey which consisted of 10 pages of questions that I had to write the answers to MANUALLY.  I was happy to answer the questions honestly even though I don't think that the partners who read the survey will really care what I said.  I ended up typing up an additional 3 page and copying and pasting some e-mails as examples of what I was talking about.

In the end, the exit interview package was pretty water-tight in that I expressed myself clearly and sited examples.  If blogging has taught me anything it's how to be clear about what you're saying.  The HR Manager and I went over the behemoth document over lunch yesterday and it took 2 hours.  Actually, half of the time was spent talking and laughing because the HR Manager and I are friends.  Imagine that!

I also spent time cleaning off my company-assigned laptop and it took the better part of a couple of hours.  I hardly used it but since I'm pretty organized I usually clean off my laptop well in advance.  This time it was different and I can only guess that maybe I'm getting a little soft in my "old age."  It took 4 CDs and TWO 1GB thumb drives to get my stuff off.  I didn't bother looking at the stuff before I moved them so I am sure that I don't need most of that crap.  Still, you never know.

The rest of this week I will spend tying up loose ends and cleaning out my new office.  But, today I woke up with a sore throat and the sniffles and am crossing my fingers that I'm not getting sick.  Somehow it wouldn't surprise me if I was getting sick; what with all the drama and hoopla that has occurred in the past couple of months.  I haven't felt the "freeing" feeling I half expected to feel when I turned in my lap top and signed all the papers that made me no longer an employee of the consulting company.  But, then again I do have 2 days to go!