Chicago Chick

This Is ALSO Me

I took a "What Number are You" quiz and it said that I was an Individualist which wasn't a surprise.  I took the quiz again today and it said I was a "3: An Acheiver".  The funny thing is that I am both those things - rarely is one person solely one sided.  Still, I think that the quiz is fun and a good distractor when you want to take your mind off of things.  You know, the overthinking type of things.  * sigh *

You Are 3: The Achiever

You're confident and competent - with a lot of energy. Eager to reach your goals, you are ambitious and competitive. You are good at motivating yourself and motivating others. You're also a charmer, with a great sense of humor. At Your Best: You are kind, confident, and completely authentic. You are witty and full of life. At Your Worst: You are insecure, narcissistic, and jealous. Your Fixation: Vanity Your Primary Fear: Being worthless. Your Primary Desire: To be important and valuable. Other Number 3's: Tom Cruise, Sylvester Stallone, Michael Jordan, Madonna, and Shania Twain.

What Number Are You?

STILL Not Over It

What more do I need to say? Honestly I am trying and some days I can forget. But it sucks to want what you cannot (and probably should not) have. It all leaves me wondering: How in the world did I get so fucked-up?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The 8th Week - Getting Ready for the Great Escape

This coming week is a short week because I will only be in the office on Monday.  Tuesday I am out for surgery - minor surgery so please don't send e-mails asking what's wrong; it's nothing and I will be fine.   Even though I don't have any vacation or sick days, my boss is awesome (and I work a gazillion hours) and letting me have a sick day on Tuesday.  I will be working from home on Wednesday - recovering from the outpatient affair - and Thursday and Friday are the holidays.  It seems kind of like a waste to come in for one day, but ah well.

There are still meetings to attend, a board presentation to finalize; and loose ends to tie up.  I will be starting my 8th week as an employee for this company (nevermind the 6 months I spent prior as a consultant) and the fact that normally I bolt like the wind for another job during my 8th week on a job is not lost on me.  However, I have a good feeling that I will not be running for the hills on this job - at least not on the 8th week.

The funny thing is that my 8 weeks as an employee for this company have been filled with more emotional turmoil, personal soul-searching, and ridiculously long days (I'm averaging 10 hour days).  There have been days, several in a row in fact, where I felt as though the walls were closing in on me.  Objectively there are more reasons for me to run away from this job, but for once I see that there are benefits to staying and working through some of the issues I have.

First of all, the issues I have had deal with my personal issues - the coworker who was my friend when I was a consultant and cannot seem to deal with the fact that I'm now an employee (and a manager to boot!); the "event" that I won't talk about that involved a co-worker and a the loss of trust; and other assorted things like a pending "midlife crisis".  The reason I'm not running is likely because I do see potential in the job that I'm doing.  I know that my manager and the CIO value and respect me which was not the case when I ran away from other jobs.  Suddenly, I don't feel so out of control - at least not in the job I have now.

We All Grow Up

I was on my cousin's blog and found a reference to Calvin and Hobbes.  I have always been a HUGE fan of Calvin and Hobbes and have purchased some cartoons and have framed them.  I also have the last cartoon and have it framed.  It's hanging in my office - I can say that now that I actually have an office where I can hang pictures.

My cousin had a picture of Calvin, Hobbes, and Susie all grown up by sora1589 at deviantARTand I couldn't resist putting it here along with the link to the source.  Sadly, we all grow up - even cartoon characters.

It Wasn't a Surprise - Part 2

Thanks again Amy for another fun quiz.  Again not a big surprise.

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel. At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well. At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn. Your Fixation: Envy Your Primary Fear: To have no identity Your Primary Desire: To find yourself Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

What Number Are You?

There's Always Next Year

The company I work for is having its annual holiday party.  It's been forever since I've been to a work holiday party and this time it's on a Saturday evening.  It's supposed to be fun and people have joked that it is the COMPANY NAME HERE Prom because people get really dressed up.

I am dreading this event not because I don't want to be social but because I cannot find a dress to get my fat butt into.  I know that I've lost a fair amount of weight since this past spring, but I'm still larger than I care to be.  It seems that all the dresses that would compliment my body type are all sleeveless and my arms are definitely not my best feature.

It's frustrating to come so far only to find that I'm still not "thin" enough.  I know that I have a way to go - at least I think I do.  But, it's hard to celebrate the progress I've made this time of the year when I can't seem to fit into anything!  Like a true Chicago North-sider I think, "Well there's always next year!"

A Little Glimpse of Sunshine

Today I actually like my life. I say that cautiously in case the "powers that be" hear me and I jinx myself. Part of it is that I finally said what I wanted to say to someone for the past 8 or 9 weeks.

And, like expected it felt GREAT to say what I should have said ages ago. It may not have been received well and it may noit change this person's behavior, but I don't care. For the first time in a long time, I feel like myself!

The Week Ahead

This weekend went pretty quick and there was only a little bit of yelling.  I have to be honest - there are times when my boys (the hubby included) make me absolutely crazy.  The boys trashed the room where their toys are in and hubby left it that way for the past week and a half.  Finally, I had enough and went in there to clean it.

Sadly, I didn't finish.  After spending 30 minutes putting together about a zillion puzzles, I realized that one of the plastic drawers was broken.  David (the hubby) brought up another plastic shelving combo and swore it was clean.  It wasn't and when I opened the drawers there were cobwebs everywhere.  After my head stopped spinning and the vein in my head stopped throbbing, I realized that the best solution was to lock the door and not allow anyone inside the room.  Yep, the toys are in a permanent time out until someone decides to clean up the room - that someone will not be me at least until next weekend.

Right now I'm thinking about the week ahead which is going to be crazy busy.  There is a board presentation that I need to put together; a 2 hour meeting I need to run tomorrow morning; a meeting to understand an accounting process; as well as a project manager meeting that I just transferred ownership to a co-worker to.  All but the board presentation are due or take place on Monday.  * sigh *

It Wasn't A Surprise

Thanks to Amy for the easy to take and yet, dead on (at least for me) quiz.

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Marilyn!

You are a Marilyn -- "I am affectionate and skeptical."

Marilyns are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

• Be direct and clear
• Listen to me carefully
• Don't judge me for my anxiety
• Work things through with me
• Reassure me that everything is OK between us
• Laugh and make jokes with me
• Gently push me toward new experiences
• Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Marilyn

• being committed and faithful to family and friends
• being responsible and hardworking
• being compassionate toward others
• having intellect and wit
• being a nonconformist
• confronting danger bravely
• being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Marilyn

• the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
• procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
• fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
• exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
• wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
• being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Marilyns as Children Often

• are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn
• are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger
• form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent
• look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel
• are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Marilyns as Parents

• are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty
• are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence
• worry more than most that their children will get hurt
• sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

Digging Yourself Out. . .

Of a mess is easier said than done. Clawing you way out of something is best done with your mouth shut. Sometimes it's best to go out and drink to forget. Other times it's best just to hang on for dear life, do your job as best as you can, and hope things blow over.

I'm doing all of the above.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Today I am . . .

Invisible. I'm invisible and I hate it.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

But Yet, I Keep Eating

The company I work for is having a holiday party the second weekend in December which is right around the corner.  So, this past weekend I went downtown to try and find a dress.  You would think that after trying on dresses and not finding anything to fit my fat body, I would stop eating.  But no, I'm rummaging through the kids' Halloween candy eating some of it.  Argh!

After losing 25 pounds this summer you would think that I would continue working to make sure that the weight would stay off.  But nope - I'm distracted and have to work to refocus my energy on trying to continue to lose weight.  I'm stressed and that doesn't help.  Then again, I always seem to be stressed!

Enternal Sunshine

Yeah, this post is going to be about "the event" - deal with it.  It won't seem to go away because I deal with it on a daily basis - one of the people involved works with me.  And, I work pretty closely with this person so it seems as though I work very hard to forget "the event".  .For a while there, I actually thought I had worked past it but it ended up coming back to haunt me a moment later.

Trust me, it's more annoying for me to live it than it is for you all to read about it.  But I am getting better, really I am.  On the days that I'm not "better" I wish for something to help me forget.  I'm not talking about multiple shots of tequila or a lobotomy or a hit on the other person.  I'm talking about something similar to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - a procedure that will erase selected memories.

Truthfully, there are moments of the event that I wish I could relive in my mind - sick as that may sound.  But, to even think of any of that would mean that I would have to relive the entire event and, really, that isn't something I want to do.  Life would be so much easier for me if I weren't such a colossal mess!

Missing: Sensitivity Chip

In an interview that Jennifer Aniston did with Vanity Fair a year after she and Brad Pitt divorced, she said that he was missing a sensitivity chip.  Years later, those words would be attributed to a co-worker of mine uttered by another co-worker of mine.

It happened today when I was coming out of my office to talk to one of my co-workers about a question I had on a funding request for a capital project.  It was a relatively serious conversation and I needed information, but it quickly took a dive into the "less serious" territory.  And I was completely annoyed.  I knew that when I took the job I would have to make the transition from consultant to employee and I knew it would be an adjustment for me.

When you're a consultant, you do what you need to do to get the job done.  This means working around your client if need be.  So, if you are asking questions of someone and the conversation turns silly, you just laugh and find someone who can answer your question.  However, as an employee you need to work with the other employees.  When conversations turn silly, there really is no other place to turn - you need to just try to stay on course and get your questions answered.

I was trying to stay the course but it quickly turned from silly to annoying and I, in turn, was becoming frustrated.  I knew that the adjustment would not only be for me and how I worked, but the adjustment would be from people who worked closely with me when I was a consultant.  I knew that things would be different when I turned from friend and consultant into a manager.  But, because of the way I am I didn't think that there would be a difference.

Or, at least I'd hoped there wouldn't be a difference.  I want the people I work with to treat me the way that they used to in that I want them to be comfortable enough with me to kid around.  But I also want them to know that when I need something and I ask for it that they don't treat me dirt.  It's annoying and it's just plain mean.

So, when this all happened the other co-worker (a consultant) came by my desk after the dust had settled and asked if I was okay.  I brushed it off, but my co-worker pretty much just shook his head and said that the other co-worker had a sensitivity chip missing.  And, maybe that's true and I hadn't realized it because as a consultant I worked around that person.  So now I'm left to reevaluate my relationships at work yet again and frankly, it sucks!

Million Dollar Skin on the Cheap

I will turn 40 sooner rather than later - * gasp * FORTY!!!  I never thought that I would be close to 40 only because I never thought I'd make it through my 30s.  I remember that I couldn't wait to turn 30 and leave the angst of my 20s behind and so far I've loved my 30s much more than my 20s.  Although, there were times when I wished that I were still in my 20s at times.

The one thing that I miss from my 20s besides my body is the skin that I had.  Back in my teens and 20s I had nearly flawless skin.  By flawless I mean that I almost never had a zit and if I did get one it would leave as mysteriously as it came.  In my early 30s I noticed that my skin would get a zit but it would leave a mark and by the time the boys came around, every zit I seemed to get would leave a mark.

I used to love that a bottle of base or a tube of concealer would last me years, but lately that hasn't been the case.  I'm finding that concealer and sometimes base are things that I put on with regularity.  So, finally I bit the bullet and talked to my esthetician about trying to get rid of the spots, or hyper pigmentation as it is called.  I started using Obagi which cost an arm and a leg and made me break out even more.

So, not only was I poorer for buying the stuff, but my skin was worse off.  It was my esthetician who actually told me NOT to use the product, but someone I know had used it and had terrific results so I didn't listen to her.  When I did finally listen to her she told me to exfoliate with honey and corn meal and to tone with vinegar.  At first I thought she was crazy, but I was willing to try anything.

For the past 2 months I've been using white vinegar in the morning and in the evenings after I wash my face.  Every other evening use a tablespoon of corn meal and a tablespoon of honey with a little water and exfoliate my face.  The spots are actually going away!  It helps that I go in for facials every 6 weeks, but still - the total cost of the exfoliating and toning regime is less than $10.00!  Yeah, I use pretty expensive sun screen and the facials aren't cheap but still I would have used the sunscreen and gone to see my esthetician anyway so to me it's a sunk cost.

Apparently egg whites are good for minimizing pores.  I haven't gotten to that point yet but trust me, I will definitely start whipping up some egg whites when the time comes!