Chicago Chick

I'm Liking Saying Goodbye!

It's the same thing at the end of every year.  I'm so over the current year and so excited and hopeful about the coming year.  Last year, I said goodbye to 2007 by writing this entry.  This year I decided to answer the same questions.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Successfully lost weight and have kept it off for more than 5 minutes.  Got elective surgery.
   
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? This was by far, the worst year for new year's resolutions for me.  But, I'm an optimist and will make ones for 2009.
   
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? I gained a niece in February, 2008 and 2 close friends had children this year.
   
4. Did anyone close to you die?Yes - a friend from college.  And, I died a little death with my appalling behavior this year.
   
5. What would you like to have in 2009 that you did not in 2008? Peace of mind, less around the middle, and NO job changes.  Pretty much the same as last year - but thankfully this year the housing situation was much more stable.
   
6. What was your biggest achievement of 2008? Realizing that the issues I have cannot be ignored and going to get help.
   
7. What was your biggest failure? Being dishonest with myself and with my husband.  It is the moment that has caused me the most self-loathing I have ever felt.  Sadly (and regretfully), I'm not so sure that I would not do it over again.
   
8. Did you suffer illness or injury? So far so good, but the year isn't over yet.
   
9. What was the best thing you bought? Bought?!?  Probably the house we live in now and the landscaping comes in a very close second.
   
10. Whose behavior merited celebration? My husband (once again).  His behavior wasn't on par with angels, but mine was abysmal.  The person most behaved in our household is probably one of the cats or my kids.
    
11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Hands down it was me.  This year I did more than a few things that I'm not terribly proud of.
    
12. Where did most of your money go?Let's see . . . There was the sod for the house, the new couch, the down-payment for the house, and the zillion little things that are cluttering our house.
    
13. What did you really get excited about this year? Moving into more permanent housing.
    
14. Compared to this time of year are you happier or sadder (sadder) thinner or fatter (thinner - thank GOD) richer or poorer (poorer, but always wiser).
    
15. What do you wish you'd done more of? Like last year, I wish I'd eaten less and spent more time exercising.
    
16. How did you spend Christmas last year? We stayed home and did absolutely nothing.  It was awesome!
    
17. Did you fall in love in 2008?I think I did, but then quickly out of "love".  I fall in love every time I see my boys and that kind of love is everlasting.
    
18. How many one-night stands? 1
    
19. What was your favorite TV Program? The Hills because my life is not as dramatic as I thought; Lipstick Jungle; and Gossip Girl.  I like to be entertained.
    
20. What did you want and get? I wanted to earn my Project Management Professional certification and I did.  I wanted a job where I would be close to home and thanks to some hard work and maintaining relationships, I was fortunate enough to get it.
    
21. What did you want and not get?I wanted peace of mind, but that still seems to elude me.  I didn't realize how much I wanted to learn to like myself until after this fall.

Is there really a difference between the end of one year and the beginning of another?  Realistically, there isn't but as long as we all think there is then that's enough.  It's amazing what the power of believing can do.

A Few of My Favorite Things

I don't care for raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens are all well and good, but they're not one of my favorite things.  I'm the kind of person whose favorite things are the toothy smiles of my boys and chocolate.  This past year, there are things that quickly become some of my favorite things.

• Day Frog, an indoor place to play for toddlers.  The boys love it and the hours ar awesome.

• Chicagoland Hobby where they have a huge selection of trains and other toys that the boys love.

• The Choo Choo Restaurant because the boys love this restaurant and eat everything on their plates when they're there.

• Polar Personal Trainer where you can track and load your workouts from your Polar heart rate monitor.

• Lifetime Fitness has awesome programs for the kids and the adults.  If you've been away from working out, there are a lot of programs that can help jump-start your return.  And, people from the gym will call you if you don't show up for you regular class.

2008 is almost over - thank GOD - and I'm sure that there will be more good things to come in 2009.

The Boys' Favorite Place

Three years ago today, my youngest son was born.  We spent today doing his favorite things like going to his favorite restaurant, The Choo Choo, where an electric train brings your food to your table.  He's gotten so good at remembering that the train is just for looking and not for touching.  Recently, the city where the restaurant is located decided that they wanted to take the land and move their police station to where the restaurant is located.

Since the news broke, there has been a site called Save the Choo Choo that has been created.  The hope is that enough messages will be sent to Des Plaines city hall and that plans to move the police station and knock down The Choo Choo will be changed.

My in-laws were so happy to sit with the boys and watch the train go around that they didn't mind that the music was ear-splitting loud.  As we sat with my in-laws at both my sons' favorite restaurant, they chatted with the owner, Jean Paxton.  When asked if the restaurant was really going to move, she shrugged her shoulders and said, "As they say, you can't fight city hall but we're trying."  It would really be a shame not to have the restaurant around anymore.  It's the only place where my oldest son will clean his plate and ask for another serving in hopes of getting a cupcake.  So, go to Save the Choo Choo and leave a message.  It may not be guaranteed to help, but it certainly can't hurt.  Maybe this time you can help fight city hall.

Censorship Stinks

It has come to my attention that my blog is read by some people who may misunderstand what I write.  I think it's the risk that one takes when they decide to write personal things in a public forum.  I thought about taking the site down all together, but then realized that it IS my site and I am entitled to write what I want.  Or, at least that is what the Bill of Rights tells me and honestly, I don't want to be censored.

What really gets me is that those who do read my blog and are unhappy with what I say or think and KNOW me, should be brave enough to contact me directly and ask or talk to me about it.  I know that this has been the case with many of my friends who have stumbled across my blog and I appreciate that they talk to me directly rather than tip-toeing around me; jumping to conclusions; or avoiding me all together.

I have been told that some people may be afraid to talk to me because they're afraid that the topics that are being discussed will end up totally misinterpreted on my blog.  That may be the case, but because this is MY blog and it's written from MY point of view.  However, I'm not that narrow minded that I only consider MY point of view - that isn't the way I was raised.  In many cases I try to understand where the other person is coming from and I NEVER call out anyone by name.  But, the one thing I won't stand for is lies.  This includes lies of ommission.  Just because you don't want something to be true that doesn't mean that it isn't true. 

There are those who are afraid that I will write about family secrets or secrets in general.  There are many topics that I have NOT written about because they are things that should remain private.  For example, I don't write about those I know who may have done something terribly wrong - illegal even and gotten arrested.  That's right - I know because the neighbor told me even though the facts about it have been hidden from me.  If you think that those topics will end up in a blog and that's the reason why you aren't telling me these things, then that excuse is pathetic and weak.  You know who you are.

So, let's stop pretending that things are okay because they're not.  They're not because the topics that need to be talked about in person never are and never have been.  One day it may be too late and I will probably be sorry, but I will be sorry because I will have wished you knew me better (you really should) and wish that you trusted me enough to talk to me about what was bothering you rather than lurking on my blog.

It's Because I Eat Crap

This past week, I have been making sure that I get to the gym.  In fact, I've gone to the ridiculously early spinning class twice last week and worked out with my trainer 3 times this past week.  The first day of spinning class was the night after the icy snow and I got up extra early to scrape the ice off my car.

Even though there was a nice layer of ice on my car; I was exhausted; my cleats for my shoes were broken; and I didn't have my inhaler, I made it through the class.  I even made it to the train station for the early train.  Luckily the place where I work has a fitness center and a nice locker room.  I'm able to get to work all yucky, shower, and pull myself together for the work day.

Today I had a session with my trainer and he weighed me in.  I lost a total of 1 pound even though I had been working out religiously and have been trying to watch what I eat.  Unfortunately, what I've been eating yesterday and today was complete crap.  Lots of chocolate and pasta.  I know better, but I couldn't stop myself.  The weather gets frigid and I just want to eat and curl up on the couch.

But, tomorrow is a new day.  I've packed my bag for work tomorrow and am determined to have a good (and productive) week.  I have an important goal to work towards; if I don't take care of my health, I won't be around to chase the boys around when they get older.

When The Walls Start Closing In

I have an issue with being restless.  I'm not sure if it has to do with depression or it's just a part of my personality.  I'm thinking it has more to do with my personality because I was always this way.  I believe they call it wanderlust.  It's not like I want to run off to Paris or Rome (lucky me - I was able to do that right out of college with my first job).

Instead, it's to get away from familiar surroundings like the 4 walls of my office at work or just getting out of the house.  If I spend a weekend at home and I don't leave, I start feeling trapped and stifled.  I am sure I'm not the only one like this.  The cure for me is simple.  I just need to do something different.

The feeling of wanderlust is strongest for me during the end of the year and kicks into high gear during the dreary days of February and March.  By Spring, if I'm not doing something or have plans to do something different, then I start getting depressed.  Amazing the things that you realize about yourself as you get older.

I'm thinking that a Spring Break family trip may just be in the cards for us in 2009.  Some place fun, inexpensive, and not so far away would be perfect - maybe a Wisconsin Dells type of vacation for a few days.  Then, there are the New Year's resolutions that I start putting together but am late with this year.  I usually have them written down by November, but this year I've had other pressing things to take care of.

For 2009, I'm thinking a more simple list of things to do listed by quarter.  Items that are more general instead of specific like in previous years.  I think after the crazy couple of years, my family needs something more low-key and fun.  What a concept, huh?

Having Faith

Wednesday when I got to work the person who I said wasn't my friend, left what was the equivalent of the "break up stuff" on my chair. It was a bunch of little trinkets that was passed back and forth.

It was upsetting to see that stuff on my chair after the tough morning I had and I just started crying. Why was this happening? Why couldn't this person stop being so immature? Why couldn't I stop? I put the stuff in an inter-office envelope with a note and tossed it in his mail slot. Immature? Definitely!

At the department holiday gathering I did my best to just stay away, but he sat next to me later in the evening when I was alone. We ended up talking and walking to the train station and then talking more. Topics like what a jack ass he was being and how overly-sensitive I was being came up. The end result was that we cleared the air and agreed to peacefully co-exist.

This morning when I came into the office there was a remark about how "irene doesn't take rejection well" on my quote board. I assumed it was my friend who wrote it and I was livid. Didn't we just hammer our differences out? I thought we agreed to be civil to each other! Why was he being such a jack ass again!?!

It turns out it was an innocent comment some other co-worker wrote thus proving that sometimes I just need to stop flinching and have a little faith in people. It will take awhile. Like everything else with me, it will take time.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Thoughts From the Train Ride Home

After a very long (and seemingly UNproductive day), I am finally on my way home. Sadly, I am on a train that is making EVERY stop. But at least that gives me time to write something. If I replay today it started out harmlessly enough. I ran between 3 floors getting things done and sat with the guy who reports to me to get stuff done. There was a small snag that quickly became a large snag when I had to talk to my "friend's" manager about getting information I had asked foe several times over a span of 2 days. Why are people like that? But now I am happily on the train on my way home. I know that the house will probably be a mess; the boys will not be ready for bed; and David will likely be tired and grouchy (but who could blame him). And even though coming home won't be peaceful, I really don't care. Today my life is not so bad. It's better than the empty drama that my co-worker and "friend" talk about, which my co-worker lives. My life is messy, but today I wouldn't have it any other way. Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Paying the Price

Getting up at 4:30 am to get to spin class: $0.50 (cost of a bottle of water) Making it through the entire class with a broken cleat and broken heart rate monitor: $1.99 (cost of the battery) Getting on the 6:30 am train in gym clothes only to sit next to a guy who is stinkier than me: PRICELESS

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

It's Nothing but a Shit-Storm

Today I am on the warpath and I'd like to say that it's due to PMS, but I can't say that for sure.  I can say that 2008 has been a shit-storm and a lot of it has probably been self-induced.  Sadly, I don't think it's going to end any time soon.  I know that sounds so melodramatic, but I will give you the reasons why I don't think it's going to end soon and you can judge for yourself.

• Lingering Personal Issues: Sooner or later things that you try to ignore about yourself come back and bite you in the ass.  By this I mean, that if you know that you have glaring character flaws that you try to hide in your 20s and manage not to resolve them, these character flaws fester.  By the time you're in your 30s or have children, you're too tired to keep up the energy of keeping them at bay.  The cracks start to form and soon you're dealing with the fall-out.  That has been the case for me this year.  I've done a so-so job of keeping them at bay for most of my 30s but I am freakin' exhausted and now these issues are flooding my life.  Trying to find peace is not easy when you're working like mad outside the house and coming home to deal with an exhausted husband and 2 small boys.

• Becoming a "Real" Employee: For the past 8 years I have defined my working life as a consultant where I was free to come and go as I pleased.  If I didn't like the assignment I was on, I just needed to wait it out (or jump ship) because a new one would come along.  Honestly, it is the equivalent of the boys we knew who couldn't commit and I can see why that - to them - was so appealing.  Not having ties meant that there were no real responsibilities.  I miss my consulting life.  I miss not really having a commitment; having a crazy flexible schedule; and because I was fortunate to work for companies that gave me the traditional heath insurance, vacation/holiday benefits, and 401K benefits, I had all the benefits of being a traditional employee without the usual political mambo-shmabo to deal with.  Well, at least until I worked for the last consulting company.
  
  Working as a "real" employee at the current company is challenging, which I like.  But, there is the political crap I don't care to deal with which has become part of my everyday life.  Then there is dealing with people who "used" to be my friends but because I now sit in an office they think that it's license to be mean and overtly nasty.  This ties in with the issue listed above.  And, although consulting wasn't all flowers and fairy tales becoming a "real" employee is an adjustment.

• Weight Issues: I've made some good progress this year, but I'd like it to continue.  What seems to get in my way is that I am an emotional eater.  When things are not going well, I sulk and I become self-destructive.  I don't eat what I should and I don't exercise.  Hmmmm, this is probably an issue related to the first one I listed.  I see a trend.

• Parental Issues: I love my parents - I just don't really like my mother right now.  We all go through this stuff and one day we all hope that it will work itself out.  I'm still hoping for that but I do know that it is hard to work on repairing a damaged relationship if the other person (a) doesn't seem to think it's damaged and (b) is several states away.

It's been said that real growth is painful and I cannot agree more.  Just when I think I have it all figured out, I realize that I wasn't even close.  Someday I know that the lessons and growing will slow down - I am hoping it is soon because I could really use a breather.

Sometimes the Best Answer is . . .

To say nothing at all. But, I don't think that I have learned that lesson just yet. I'm learning - slowly. And I know that I'll get there; just in my own time.

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