Chicago Chick

My Pleasure

My oldest son has this thing of having to be first.  This afternoon they were racing in their plasma cars and the oldest was yelling, "I wanna be first!  I wanna be first!"  Attached to his plasma car is a plastic wagon full of shoe boxes and in his haste to be first, the contents of his plastic wagon emptied out.

When my oldest son figured out that the wagon's load had been emptied, he circled back to try to pick up the mess.  The youngest one followed along to help.  When the boxes were picked up and put back into the wagon, my oldest son said, "Thank you for helping!" to which the youngest said, "My pleasure!" and drove away happily.

I have no idea how these guys became such characters.

Even The Best Fall Down Sometimes

Amazingly enough I'm okay. I really AM okay. It took HOW long to get here? Will I have a relapse? God, I hope and pray not!

Good Enough?

Lately work has been keeping me up at night.  This is not good thing since, ordinarily, I don't sleep very well.  It's not the social things at work that are keeping me up at night; instead, it's the "I forgot to do something" type of thing.  I've always been an over-achiever, but this is getting ridiculous.

David and I put the boys to bed last night and for some strange reason I just could not fall asleep.  Around midnight I was making my way to bed and fell asleep for a couple of hours before the thought, "I really should meet with (fill in the blank) to talk about how we're going to do something" and then shot right up in bed.  After that, I couldn't go back to sleep.

I tried - I crept into the boys' room and snuggled with my oldest son hoping that I would fall asleep but even that didn't work.  Right now I'm fine - I'm at work (because it would be so unproductive to just sit and do nothing) and I'm taking a break.  But I know around 2:00 this afternoon, my mind will be mush!

The reason these thoughts keep popping into my head is this underlying insecurity that I'm not "good enough."  It's crazy because on paper I'm awesome; I great qualifications and I'm a nice person.  But, for whatever reason I've always felt that I never measure up - that I'm not good enough.  I'm sure I'm not the only one with this thought running through their head.  But, in a strange, freakish way it is what drives me and makes me an over-achiever.

What Do the Topics You Blog About Say About You?

I have been told that I write a lot about work and not about my family.  I've also been told that because I don't write about my family that my work is more important than my family.  Interesting.  But, I would disagree.

Just because I choose not to write about my husband or boys, that does not mean that they aren't the most important people in my life.  Nothing can be further from the truth.  In the beginning, I wrote a lot about my husband (because we didn't have the boys yet), working out, my eating disorder, and other really personal things.  I didn't write about work a lot because I wasn't comfortable about talking about work.  I'm still not completely comfortable about writing about specific work topics.

I don't mention names when I talk about work (or about my family, parents, etc.) because I would hate to write something that could be completely misunderstood.  In a world where instant celebrity can be had by doing something funny or stupid and posting it on You Tube, I don't want any celebrity for posting an entry.

So, the topics of the boys and my husband are pretty much off limits unless it's something that I can write in a general way.  I rarely post pictures of the boys because it is easy to lift them off my page and use them for other * gross * and I-don't-want-to-think-of-what-other-types-of-yucky purposes sickos would use them for.

What do the topics I blog say about me?  They say that I need an outlet and I type way faster than I write.  The topics that I write about say that my life isn't for sale or for public consumption.  If I write about something that I'm going through and someone else can relate to it or if it brings other people comfort, then I'm good.  It isn't the purpose for why I blog, but it's a happy outcome.

Can Anger Fuel a Change?

Lately things at work have been, well, annoying.  Seriously, they have been down right annoying.  This is because I'm working as a Project Manger managing projects with the someone I used to be friends with.  The love/hate relationship with this person started the first day I gave up my status as consultant and became an employee.  I have an idea of what changed, but a lot of it has to do with my perception of this person.

Before we worked on a project together, I assumed that this person was good at what they did  After all, X (I'm calling this person X) talked a good game and said the right things.  X seemed motivated.  It's an all together different picture now that we work together.  I'm finding X way less motivated than I'd like.

X is distracted and is not so great at meeting deadlines and communicating status unless I specifically ask for it.  For example, if I ask for something it often takes a couple more times of me asking for whatever it is I asked for before I finally get it.  If X is too busy to meet the deadline communicated multiple times, X doesn't tell me that he/she is working on something else or give me an expected time of completion.  Instead, I get nothing, nada, zip.  Trying to manage a project without getting any communication on timelines and expectations is tough.

Here's the ringer: I was told that if X cannot deliver then the powers that be will "find another resource" which isn't good for X.  I read this as code for "we will replace X".  Eep!

When X and I had a "falling out" I was hurt and even today I'm a little bothered that we aren't friends anymore  I miss laughing and talking with X, but now I'm just down right pissed off.  I'm angry that this person, who knows me pretty well, would behave in such a way that would make the project that I'm running possibly run late.  I'm hoping that I can channel my disappointment and sheer anger to figure out how to resolve the issue in an objective way.

I'm Making Progress, But Yet Keep Eating!

Yesterday I went to Ann Taylor and was happy to find that I fit into a "normal" size.  Granted, it's a normal LARGE size, but it fit!  You'd think that after all that work, it would motivate me to keep on going.  Instead, I'm eating like there is no tomorrow.

And, I'm not even eating good stuff.  I'm eating Little Debbiesnacks and ice cream cake.  Bleh!  Then, to make things worse I went to the gym and worked out like a fiend for an hour only to come back home and eat even more crap.

I've Let Myself Go

It's not it happened all of a sudden - the letting myself go part.  Instead, it started waaaay back in mid-January when I skipped a weekend workout because I had a seminar that I attended.  Then things got busy at work and I told myself that missing a week wouldn't be tragic.  Instead, I would pick up my workouts again the following week.

But, the following week I got sick and needed another week to recover.  Before I knew it, one weekend turned into a week and then another and then a month.  So, here I am about 2 months later and I've seen the inside of my beloved gym twice.  Twice  Definitely a "yikes" kind of moment!

Luckily, I still fit into my snug-but-not-quite-skinny jeans and the scale hasn't been too cruel.  The weather in Chicago has been crazy (warm one day and then freezing cold the next) but I'm promising myself to go back to the gym.  I think that the long hours at work - 52 this week over a 5 day period - have taken their toll on me.  I need to find an outlet.

Where Has the Time Gone?

It's been ages since I've written anything.  Things have gotten really busy at work and I've been making an effort to not check e-mail or my cell phone when I get home.  Instead, I've been coming home and just hanging out with the boys.

But, I still miss the time I used to be able to spend on my own.  I haven't had a chance to read some of my favorite on line journals so I have no idea what is going on with my Internet friends.

When I'm not hanging out with the boys, it seems I'm trying to get over yet another cold.  I will be so happy when cold and allergy season is over - maybe then I will actually be able to breathe.  I just wanted to make sure that everyone knew I was still alive.  I am, albeit a little stuffed up.

Back to the Future

Like a lot of techie type people, I snicker - good naturedly of course - at people who are afraid of technology.  But, yesterday I got a dose of my own snickering when I decided that I would drop the data portion of our Verizon account.  I have a work Blackberry and never gave up my consulting Blackberry.  It was crazy because I was carrying around 2 devices.

Yesterday, I transferred my phone to an old clam shell cell phone and I reduced the number of minutes on our cell phone plan to next to nil.  Then, to keep my old cell phone number (because I didn't want to port my number to work) I forwarded calls from my old cell number to the new one.  It works beautifully except for one thing - I don't remember how to work the old clam shell phone.  It seriously took me 10 minutes to figure stuff out and even then I had trouble.

Texting on an old clam shell phone is ridiculous and what used to take me a minute now takes me 5.  I think that if I were ever ported into the past, I would not survive.  I take so easily to technology and cannot remember what it was like not to have a microwave.  Hi, my name is Irene and I am a technology junkie!