Chicago Chick

Admitting You're Afraid and Moving On

Things at work are going to be getting a little "interesting" next week.  Yeah, not like they've been the least bit interesting since I started working there - I'm being sarcastic.  Really they are going to be getting more interesting because my area of the IT department is going through a little reorganization and the changes affect me.

Currently there are 4 managers reporting to my manager but starting tomorrow, there will only be 3.  Nobody's getting fired.  One of the managers will be rolling up into my area and when she was told the news, she wasn't happy.  I believe that she used the word "demotion" in her reaction.

I know that I can do a good job, but I am concerned about the other manager's reaction.  I wonder if she'll adjust or if she'll just phone it in.  In the end, it doesn't matter what her reaction is because in these times (or in any time for that matter) if there is a choice between my job and someone else's I am going to definitely protect mine.  I don't mean this in a conniving, mean way.  I mean that I'm going to do my job because I have a family counting on me and they come before anything.

The fear I have is "I'm going to lose my work friends" and "M will be really upset that she has to report to me" and the ever popular "What if I can't do this?"  All I can do is look at the fear, know that it's there and move on because in the end, it doesn't matter.  This is a job and it's how I support my family.  How this whole thing is looked at is completely incidental.

When Things are Okay, I'm Anxious

After a pretty descent day, I have come to a stunning realization.  When things are going okay, I am a ball of anxiety.  I have no idea where this comes from because one would think that anxiety would be kept at bay when things are going well.  At least, that would be the case for normal people and I've come to the sad realization that I am not normal.

I'm sure that it's one of those "you're afraid to be happy" kind of things.  I'm afraid because once I get to happy I fear the "now what" thinking.  It's the case with almost everything in my life.  I think that if I leave consulting for a normal job then I will never be able to go back to consulting - the door has closed forever.  And, if I ever achieve what it is I'm looking for the chase will be over and nothing will propel me to achieve anything else.

It's destructive and pretty stupid thinking because it's not like I'm just going to sit back and do nothing.  I mean, I've achieved my goals in the past and I've sat for a few moments.  In the end, I end up moving along towards another goal.  Still, the anxiety is ingrained in who I am.  I get to my destination and I wonder, "Now WHAT!?!?"

Discussions With the Boy

Today as I asked my 4 year old to pick up his toys, he stomped his foot in protest.  As harried as I have been, I didn't yell - I told him to come over to me so we could "talk".  When I'd see parents do this with their children it would make me cringe because I didn't think that children that young would understand reasoning.  Actually, it's when parents try to "reason" with a 2 year old who is having a full-on tantrum.

But, my son is 4 (soon to be 5) years old, wasn't throwing a full on tantrum, and actually responds better to a calm me.  Trust me, CALM is not my normal state.  So we had a chat where I told him that if he is upset about something that I've told him then he needs to tell me.  There doesn't need to be any feet stomping or God forbid throwing of anything.

After our chat he said, "Mommy, I'm upset with you."  When I asked him to tell me why he said, "because I don't want to pick up my toys."  When I explained that he needed to put away the toys that he wasn't playing with anymore so that he could find them easier when he wanted to play with them later, he nodded his head and started to put away his toys.

When did they start to grow up and why does it happen so quickly!?!

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Right around the time I left for university, the song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" was very popular.  Seriously, you couldn't turn on the radio without the song coming on and by the time winter rolled around, the song was so ANNOYING.  Yesterday I had a status meeting with my manager and we talked about some of the work related issues and there was reference to that song.

So, today as I work from home the song keeps going through my head.  It's annoying me.  But what is even more annoying is that "being happy" has more, now than ever, become a goal for me.  I wonder how it is that I'm ever going to get there - to happy - and I wonder if I'll even know I'm there if/when I get there.

What Will Make You Happy?

Recently one of my very good friends was asked to step down as director (a volunteer position) of a children's cancer organization.  It was devastating news for her and it made me very sad for her.  She's still getting over it and there has been an outpouring of support from her friends.  One of the questions she is always asked is, "What can I do to make you happy?"

Her response is telling and is one that I can identify with.  She tells me this: "How can I tell people how to make me happy when I don't know what will make me happy?"

She's absolutely right.  Would turing back the clock make her happy?  Doubtful - she's been so unhappy since she said that she would take the director's position that turning back the clock wouldn't help with her happiness.  The point is that it is hard to be happy when you have no idea with will make you happy.  Seriously, how do you achieve something when you have no idea how to even get there?

It's frustrating.  When my friend told me this, I realized that I understood because I was in the same place.  I truly WANT to be happy, but I have no idea what in the world would help me achieve that state.  On paper, I have the dream life but the view is different from the inside looking out.  I am thankful for what I have, but there is something missing.  I'm sure that if I could identify what was missing (or if I could put a name to it) then I'd feel a helluva lot better.

Pain in the Neck

Last week I had a stiff neck and I thought it would just go away.  I suppose it would have gone away if I hadn't pretended that it was nothing and gone to the gym and worked out like I normally do.  Yesterday I had time to make it to my favorite step class.  By 3:00ish that afternoon I couldn't move my head any further than a few inches either way.

The ibuprofen that I was taking didn't seem to be helping anymore so I decided to take the pain medicine that David had left over from his bout of strep.  It was stupid I know because it made me completely sick.  I couldn't stop throwing up and when I finally did and asleep on the couch, I woke up a couple hours later with an even stiffer neck.  Yeah, I didn't think that was possible.

But, what made it worse was the shooting pain from the base of my neck up to the top of my head.  And then there was the numbness in my fingertips.  It was awful!  Awful enough that we woke the kids, bundled them into the car and then drove to the emergency room.

It turns out that the muscle was so tense that it was affecting a nerve which caused the numbness in my fingertips.  I ended up coming home with a prescription for a muscle relaxer.  Today I don't feel much better although I can move my head more than just a few inches.  But, I still can't make it to my yoga class and had to reschedule my sewing class.  Truly, the episode has become a pain in the neck!

Invisible . . . Again

Almost exactly 6 months ago, I posted this post about how I felt invisible.  It was a short entry stating that I felt invisible.  I didn't talk about what made me feel that way, but I have a feeling that I had a day similar to the one I had today.

My day didn't start off that great today.  I think it was probably the weather - day 101 (I'm exaggerating) of gloomy weather.  Then I felt as though I had a zillion things to do and none of them were the least bit challenging.  Think keying numbers into an Excel spreadsheet.

Then there is the fact that my presence is only made known at work when someone needs something.  Or having to be "the bigger person" when it comes to dealing with a certain someone that I don't want to talk to.  I asked one of my co-workers why I always had to be the bigger person when dealing with this certain someone and I was told that I could be vindictive but I'd only be happy for 20 minutes before I started feeling bad.  My response was that it would probably be the best 20 minutes of my day.

The day ended with me coming home to my boys (that was the high point - usually is) and listening to the kids argue and David shouting.  Sometimes when I come home to the melee, I feel like turning around and walking out the door.  I half-way hope that by leaving and walking in the house again, the scene before me will change.

One More Step Forward

I've been so frustrated lately with work and with myself.  I worked so hard to lose weight last year and here I am almost half-way through 2009 and I'm starting to gain the weight back.  It's so frustrating!

Yesterday I was so frustrated that my trip to the gym didn't go well, but one of the things that I did do right is that I keep going.  I went to a yoga class last night to try to clear my head.  By the time the 90 minute class was finished, my head wasn't completely clear, but it was clearer than it was in the beginning.

So here it is Monday (again) and I'm on my way to work.  I'm feeling better, but I'm cautiously optimistic.

What's It Going To Take?

How sad today that I spent more time driving to and from the gym than I actually spent on the treadmill? Seriously, I worked out for 20 minutes. I just could NOT get motivated!

One Step Forward . . .

Two steps back.  This seems to be the theme of everything in my life lately.  Just when I think I'm over things, it turns out that I'm not.  Maybe it's just the weather.  It's so gloomy in Chicago!