Chicago Chick

What the Chuck Farley?

Today is day 2 of going to the gym.  I swear that it was like pulling teeth to get my fat butt into the gym, but I made it in.  And, it was a good thing because after the day I had, I needed to do something to release some stress.  Work has been crazy and has been one meeting after the next after the next.  Before I knew it, it was 5:00 and I still hadn't taken any time for lunch.

I keep saying that things will settle down, but I'm seriously wondering if that will ever be the case.

Revelations

This past weekend has been full of revelations starting with finding out that my co-worker is a disgusting pig on Friday and ending with almost passing out at the gym today. I realized that I am worth more than how smart I am, how funny I am, or how attractive I may (or may not) be.

I also realized that while working out may make me feel and look better, the main purpose is to be healthy. I want to make sure that I feel good and look good, but most importantly I want to be healthy so that I can be around for my sons.

I really need to take better care of myself and cut myself some slack. I am not as horrible and as awful as I think I am. Every mistake is not the end of the world. The important thing is to get up, brush myself off and carry on. Above all, it's important to just keep going.

I Am Throughly

disgusted by my co-worker. Yes Amy, I mean THAT co-worker. I'm embarassed that I thought that person was my friend. Ugh!

OMG

There are moments of great sadness and then there are moments of joy. What I realized today is that there can be joy amongst the sadness. And, that is a good thing.

I want to remeber the moments of sitting with 3 other co-workers and laughing about the good things - the troll under the bridge; the 76 year old with the hearing aid; and the poor choice in dates. I hope I can remember the laughter when there is no more left to be had.

My Head is Pounding, But I Can't Stop Thinking . . .

about who and what I usedto be.  Yesterday I went to a former co-worker's wake.  Bob O. was in his early 60s when he passed away in his sleep last Friday morning.  He wasn't sick and by all accounts he wasn't even feeling bad; he just went to sleep one night and didn't wake up again the next morning.  Bob O. was truly one of the nicest people I knew.

When I attended his wake last night, I was able to see a lot of people who I hadn't seen in 10 years.  There were co-workers that I've kept in touch with via e-mail and telephone calls, but I truly had not seen any of those people in 10 years.  It was good to see them, but I wish that it was under better circumstances - a wedding, baptism, or even a birth.

Seeing old friends again made me realize that in the past 10 years, I had grown up a little.  And, I started to miss who I was 10 years ago.  In 10 years, I have made some good decisions and some really, REALLY bad ones.  I've changed jobs a zillion times and have been pregnant TWICE!  I've lived at 4 different addresses and have earned a degree and a professional certification.  I've also changed careers, have become a bit more responsible, and have gained and lost some weight.

When it comes down to it, life seems to move at the speed of light and before we know it, we end up being pulled back (or at least reminded) of our past.  And, today I am wishing for a bit of the past back.  Ten years ago I worked with people who were truly like a little family.  Even though a large multinational corporation bought the company (and that's how I ended up working there), the people who worked there still treated each other like family.  I know now that I will never work in that type of environment ever again and I wished I knew what I had at the time.

Bone-Tired

In a nutshell:

• I slept horribly.
• One of the Project Mangers resigned.
• I told one of the consultants who reports to me that he needed to manage expectations better - and he's a project manager!
• I went to a former co-worker's wake.  Sleep well, Bob O - I will miss you.

This was my Monday.  My eyes are burning and my head is pounding, but it's good to be home.  In a few moments I will be curled up in bed with a very warm, but sleeping toddler.

Unbreak My Heart

What can I say?  I.  AM.  A.  SAP.

Simpler Times

I type the title and I wonder to myself if there really was such a thing.  I'm sure the thought of "simpler times" is relative.  Lately things have been completely crazy and I mean CRAZY - it's budget time and then there are the increased responsibilities which I am happy to take on.  I come home and look at my boys and marvel how they've grown up just since I left for work in the morning.

A year ago, things were crazy - maybe not as much - and I never fathomed that they could get crazier.  I was wrong because things are even more busy now than they were a year ago.  It is all relative.  A couple of years ago we had our place on the market and had a bid on another place.  When I think about those days I realize that I was probably more stretched back then than I am now.  In reality, it's probably as busy for me now as it was in 2007 but the difference is that I have to live through the present and I survived 2007.

Not sure I am making any sense.  I tend to ramble when my brain is fried!

Does Propping Your Eyelids

with toothpicks like they do in the cartoons actually work?  What about scotch tape?  Seriously, I cannot seem to keep my eyes open.  I am THAT tired!

Afraid

There are so many things that I need to do that sometimes if I think about it too much, I get completely freaked out.  Freaking out is never helpful, but seriously I am afraid.  I'm afraid that there are so many things at home that need my attention that I'm unable to get to them all.  I'm afraid that new responsibilities at work are too much for me to handle (even though I know that I can call on others to help).  I'm afraid that my health is suffering because of all the stress I'm under.

And, the biggest fear is that I'm afraid that I will disappoint myself and others.  It's a lot of stress and 80% of it is self-imposed.  After all, there are 2 of us at home to take care of the boys and the household.  Actually, it's more like 1.25 people - I am the .25.  And, there are other people at work that I can delegate things to.  The only thing that I really should be concerned about is my health and what I'm doing to myself by putting these ridiculous demands on myself.

I swear, sometimes I am my own worst enemy.  I can't just hide away and wait for the things that need to get done to go away or get taken care of all by themselves.  So, what to do about this?  What else - make a list.  I haven't made a list of things that need to be addressed in a long time.  I think I just need to sit and make a list; break the items down into the some semblance of order; and take them on one at a time.  I know that's what I need to do, but I'm still afraid.  

It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn, Right?

How quickly a mood can turn.  Shortly after I wrote my last post, I started feeling a bit adrift.  Sometimes it takes every ounce of energy I have just to breathe - in and out and in and out. . .  Honestly, it's so exhausting sometimes.  The horrible part is that I would both love and hate it to sit and do nothing.  I wish I wasn't wired this way.  I know that if I can just ride out this period of darkness, I will be okay.  The dark never lasts very long.

When Are You Happiest?

Recently, and I mean RECENTLY - like a couple of days ago, I went back to the gym. It hasn't been easy or fun, but I'm there. I know that it will get better, but it's only day 2 and right now it sucks. I am sure in a few weeks it will feel great and I'm looking forward to that day.

On the way home from spinning class today I realized that I could SEE happy. By this I mean that I'm not exactly happy now, but I can see myself getting there. After all, I can say that, looking back, there were times in my life where I was happy. And, it wasn't too terribly long ago.

What would make me happy? Feeling good - healthy good - would make me happy. Moments when things aren't so harried and David, the boys, and I are together enjoying each others company. I once asked a co-worker when the last time he felt joy was and he couldn't remember. I'm lucky because for me it was recent.

I'd like to be happy again and luckily I know that it is within my reach.

Can You Ever Go Back?

Someone once said, "Yesterday is history.  Tomorrow is a mystery.  Today is a gift - that's why we call it the present."  

Lately I have been wanting to go back in time to when things seemed more simple.  I say SEEMED because at the time I am sure that I didn't think that they were simple.  I am sure that I thought those times were just as complicated, stressful, and draining as the present has been.

Yes, I didn't have to deal with being a manager and having to deal with personnel issues but there were always work issues.  Seriously, those are a constant and I am mindful that there are a lot of things I cannot control.  I'm sure I had the same home issues like a not-as-neat-as-I'd-like house.  The one thing that I can say is better today than before is the boys.

The oldest one has settled into a school routine and has been potty-trained for almost a year; the youngest one is well on his way.  I can be happy that this year, we don't have summer camp issues.  There are times when I wish we could rewind and replay parts of life similar to TiVo.  Yeah, that will never happen!