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My Boy's Chubby Hands

Today my oldest son is 5 years old.  It may not sound like a big deal, but it is.  We were playing and I was tickling him and making him laugh and I glanced over at his little hands and realized that he was getting so big.  I realized the chubby toddler hands were gone and he had regular "little boy" hands.  It made me sad.

It sounds silly, but I instantly realized how quickly time is passing and before long he will be out with friends and having girlfriends; graduating from high school and going off to college; getting married and having kids; and on and on and on.  It was enough to make my heart break and my head reel all at once.

Happy birthday baby!  I love you MORE than enough and MORE than all the time!

More Fragile than You Think

I was having a discussion with someone at work who, at one point in time, I thought was more than a mere co-worker and acquaintance (more friend like I guess).  In reality, this person really is not my friend.  I'm a true believer in the fact that friendship shouldn't be changed by small changes in circumstance; otherwise, that person really isn't your friend.

There is a line in the song, "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles that goes:

But, you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down

I'm so sick of this and am ready to move past it.

It's THAT Time Again

As a child, teen-ager, and even as an adult I always LOVED back to school time.  I have this thing for new notebooks, pencils, highlighters - I'm an office supply junkie, I suppose.  In the past few years, since the oldest boy has started school, I've come to dread back to school time.  The first year my son went to preschool, we were told after a few days that he was not ready and that we should pull him out.  This was because he had to be called more than once to sit with the other kids in "circle time".  I wrote about it in a previous post, but where the heck it is I am at a loss.

I was left scrambling for a new preschool for my son and was left feeling a bit overwhelmed.  Never mind that at the same time we were selling our house and moving into what I called "the Temp house".  Luckily, I found that the local park district had room in their pre-k 3 class and my son was fortunate to have such supportive teachers.

The next year was not as bad, but it was still stressful.  The hubster and I decided to place our son in a pre-k 4 class in the morning 5 times a week and a pre-k 3 class in the afternoon 4 times a week.  Yeah, I know it was a long day for a now 4 year old child (whose birth date JUST makes the cut off) but in the end it was the best thing for him.  He was able to get the social experience that he needed.

My oldest son is a very bright kid - at 3 he could read, say the alphabet, count past 100, identify colors, and navigate around a computer.  But, because his birth date is a few days before the cut off, he just makes it into a certain grade level.  As a parent I agonized over what class he should attend.  He's smart, but a little socially lacking.

This year, we decided to have him again attend a pre-k 4 class all 5 days (one in the morning and one in the afternoon).  I agonized over sending him to a Kindergarten class, but in the end decided that it was better to keep him behind.  There is no rush to get him off to Kindergarten and I want to make sure that he is able to keep up with his classmates.  Even though I know that he is a really smart kid (one of the only ones who knew how to read in his pre-k 4 class last year), part of being a successful student is the social aspect.  I want my son to love school as much as I did (and am beginning to once again).

Every Once in a While . . .

work is Annoying but sometimes there are moments during the stress where being with my co-workers brings great joy.  Normally, work is just work - a means to an end; a paycheck.  But, every once in a while - like today - there are funny conversations and moments to remember.

Today was my co-worker's (TS) birthday.  TS is my husband's age and on many occasions our families have gotten together to hang out.  My sons like hanging out with his son and David and I like talking with TS and his wife.  Today TS brought in bagels and we spent a few minutes this morning hanging out in his cube (which used to be the cube I shared with him) with another co-worker laughing and enjoying a quick breakfast.

There are moments during stressful conversations where the topic veers towards "remember when" moments.  Normally, these "remember when" moments are funny and the stress is temporarily relieved.  Today my boss reminded me of this time last year when I was trying to get fired from my previous company.  The reasoning behind it was that if I got fired, then my current company could hire me without any monetary penalties from my former company.  

So, in an attempt to get fired, I confronted the practice director and one of the partners and argued my case on why the company I was working for at the time was a disaster.  I called the partners a couple of names and what happened was that I didn't get fired, but instead was offered a promotion and a raise.  Yeah, seriously.  Today as that moment in time was being recalled, it was followed by a few minutes of hysterical laughter.  I had completely forgotten about that time last year, but the more my boss brought that up the funnier it became.

Not all moments from this time last year are funny.  Some of them were downright tragedies.  But, the lesson to be learned is that moments of unhappiness and stress don't last forever and if you can ride out the bad times, they're often replaced by better days.

Perfection

This past weekend the boys (hubby included of course) went on a long weekend trip.  With the school year starting up in a matter of days, it seemed like the most logical thing to do.  We went go-carting (new verb) and ate lots of sugar.  The boys went to a water park while I got a pedicure and tried not to think about work.  It was easily the best 3 days that I had in a long time.

When we got home, I looked at my calendar and realized that not only did I have a full day of meetings scheduled for my first day back at work but that I needed to leave work early to get to the boys' school.  Today was the day that fees needed to be paid and paperwork needed to be turned in.  All I can say is that I'm happy that I had the foresight to complete the paperwork a couple of weeks ago.  I even remembered to send the request in to the pediatrician to have her complete the health examination forms.

All the prep work that I did was ridiculously helpful because today's work day started with a scathing e-mail from one of the consulting firms that is working on a project.  Then there was the collection of e-mails that I needed to weed through and the status meetings that I needed to attend.  TWO hours after I had arrived and logged in, I was able to leave my desk for a cup of coffee on my way to yet ANOTHER meeting.

I brought the series of photos that the boys (hubby included of course) and I took in a photo booth during the weekend trip and looked at the strip of photos often.  It was a perfect weekend even if there were minor skirmishes between the boys and sometimes between the boys and me.  Yes, someone (the hubby) stepped on my newly manicured toe and I had to get it repaired, but it still was a great weekend.  The fun memories carried me throughout the day and before I knew it, it was time to leave.  I never once thought, "I wish I was still on vacation" during the day.  I wish I could bottle up the weekend and whip it out during the bad days.

Sitting On My Fat A$$ Thinking Back to Last Year

This morning I woke up to a still sleeping house and thought, "I'm hungry!" and then proceeded to eat what seemed like everything in sight.  I'm so fat and puffy right now that my knees feel fat.  And, of course my first reaction to all this - as everyone is sleeping in my house - is to ask myself, "self, what was I like LAST year?"

Last year I was 10 pounds lighter, but not in a good place.  I was healthier but (unbeknownst to me until months later) unhappy.  Among other unhappy events, I was trying to get let go from my company and said some scathing things to a couple of the partners.  Oddly enough, it did end up that the practice that I belonged to at the consulting company ended up being dissolved a mere 4 months later.  Sometimes there are opportunities for purchasing a lottery ticket that I pass up and should not have.

But, with the weather as hot as it has been lately I've felt like a beached whale.  The scale doesn't make me feel better either which leads me to the conclusion that I NEED to waddle my puffy body down to the gym and eat better.  I don't want to be sitting here next year with the same thoughts as this morning.

Change Stalled?

Yesterday I wrote about how I thought the winds of change were upon me.  Today I think that may not be the case.  It could have been the wind of gas . . . Sorry very bad pun there.

But, seriously, today I feel stalled; stuck in a rut; glued to the everyday.  I really believe that my need for something new and different is due to the changes that are happening at work.  At first, they seemed subtle.  There were some minor reorganizations and then more major ones and most recently, the departure of a co-worker who I will really miss.

There were other things like the fact that some of the contractors will be leaving us and the fact that I fired a consultant.  It just wasn't working out - he seemed like he right person but it turned out that he was more interested in feeding his ego and hitting on a few of the ladies who I worked with.  Seriously, what is it with the guys I work with - they can't seem to get it that work is work and not a place to find a conquest.

Now more than ever I am thinking that the time to find a new job is closer than I thought.  I've been knocking around the halls of my current employer for almost 2 years now (a virtual record given my recent history) and maybe there are greener pastures out there for me.

But, I'm not ready to make a break for it yet.  There are things that I need to finish and personal things that I need to achieve before I leave.  I just wish that something new would happen.  Something new in the good form.  There has been a lot of change, but it doesn't seem very positive.

I Feel Change Coming

I know that today is Saturday.  I know that I don't work on Saturdays, but yet I am working.  Yeah, yeah I realize that I have a family and the boys won't be little forever.  But, I am so swamped at work and I want to make sure that I can keep my job so that I can put food on the table and clothes on their backs and a roof over their heads.  Yes, it sounds dire and it really isn't.   But (and there always is a but) circumstances have changed at work and I feel the need more than ever to succeed at everything and anything that is thrown my way.

Yesterday was one of my co-worker's last day at the company I work for.  I will really miss her and I am left with the impression that work is just that - work; a way to earn a paycheck.  But, with the increased responsibilities of late I think that putting in the extra time will really help me in my career.  I may not intend on spending the next 10 years working for my company but I know that the opportunities I am given are rare.

Saying goodbye to my co-worker made me start thinking about redfining myself.  Who I am at work; who I am as a person; who I am as a parent and wife.  There are things about myself that I like and many that I would like to fix.  For some reason my co-worker leaving has touched a nerve and I'm feeling like the winds of change are upon me again.   What does that mean?  I have no idea, but I do feel the same way I have in the past when I'm about to embark upon a time of change.  It's an uneasy feeling, but one that is welcome just the same.