Seriously, I have to ask myself what am I doing? It's 7:40 in the evening and after a terrible day at work, I'm STILL here!!!!
For some reason I have this sense of sadness about me and I'm not entirely sure why. Things at home are fine - the boys are going to their preschool classes and are doing well. And, the hubby gets a little time to himself when they're at school. Everything seems to be going well. So, what's the problem?
I'm not entirely sure. All I know is that I have this sense that something is missing in my life. I wish I could be happy with the way things are, but I've always been the kind of person to wonder "what's next" or "is this all there is". It is a little "Wizard of Oz"ish I suppose because I'm always wanting more than what I have. I just need to learn to be happy with what's in my own backyard.
I'm not sure if I'm a little less angry than I was in my last post because I'm tired or because I unloaded on someone. Let me explain the "unloaded on someone" part. I didn't actually just let loose on someone. Instead, I had a calm conversation on how someone wasn't performing up to expectations and let them know that I've been sensitive to how the events of the past 4 months have likely affected them. I let her know that I don't think that she's ever thought once of how the changes in the past 4 months have affected me.
I told this person that it was entirely up to them on what the outcome of all the events of the past 4 months would be. It was an enlightening conversation because at the end of it, I realized that she wasn't doing the things that she was doing to irritate me. Instead, this person has a complete lack of confidence that is showing up in everything that they do. I realized that the reaction to things that have happened are the same ones that I would have and I am thankful that is the case.
I still am annoyed with one of my other co-workers - the one that thinks he's God's gift - but that's my issue to deal with. Sometimes I wonder why it is I can ignore some things, but not others. * sigh *
I have always hated that saying, "keep your eye on the prize". The reason I don't like it is because reaching a goal is always a journey. When you set out on the journey there is usually only one goal in mind, but by the time you've completed the journey there's always more than one goal achieved. And, there are times when you don't get to your goal, but you get something far better in return.
In the late 1990s I decided I hated my chosen profession. I didn't get any satisfaction out of it and it required long hours. Okay, so my job today requires long hours, but at least I like it. Yeah, I said I likedmy job - don't get too excited. I will actually admit that I really love what I do (at least overall I love what I do). In the beginning of changing careers I really thought I wanted to pursue a career in the health care field. I believed this with my heart and soul and registered for classes at a nearby university to get started.
What I found after taking 3 classes and almost a year, was that I loved school, but my heart was not in pursuing a health care career. To say that I was anxious about my failed attempt was an understatement. But I quickly realized that nothing had changed and that I still wanted to change careers. I have no idea how I ended up signing up for classes at another nearby university to get an MBA and MS in IT. In the end, it wasn't getting an advanced degree that made me survive 4 years at a software company as a consultant. It was all the things that I learned along the way to changing careers.
So, what does this all have to do with the "eye on the prize" saying? I spent the better part of 2008 losing weight and feeling better about myself. I spent the better part of 2009 beating myself up and gaining half the weight back. I want to spend the rest of 2009 getting back to where I feel good about myself. So the prize maybe isn't losing the weight again, but feeling good about myself again.
I'm grouchy because I can't breathe. I have adult on-set asthma (not really sure that is a proper term, but being that I got it when I was 25, what I'm calling it fits). At first it was exercise-induced asthma (that's what the asthma/allergy doc called it), but now it comes not only before exercise but during allergy season. Actually, it doesn't come before exercise anymore but DOES come about during the fall allergy season. My body is so screwed up!
In my late 20s, the normal course for me would be a cold in September which was exacerbated by allergies which then turned into a viral thing which eventually turned in to full-blow bronchitis. I would be sick until Thanksgiving and the patter would start all over again sometime in late February/early March. Right about the time I got pregnant with the first son, this pattern ended although I did end up in the emergency room for a mother of an asthma attack triggered by some Spring pollen.
I've been spared this terrible cycle until this past Friday. I'm afraid that it's back again and I am willing myself to brake the cycle. I did make a stop to the emergency room and as I was wheezing in and out of the inhaler do-hickey (my cousin the doctor will forgive me for not using the REAL term) with the steam curling around my head, I vowed that I would NOT repeat the cycle of years past. I will NOT get bronchitis and I WILL be at the gym on Tuesday!
I honestly have no idea why I am so annoyed. I usually love this time of year, but lately I have been so cranky. I'm cranky that I haven't been to the gym and I'm cranky that my allergies are making me feel like I've got bronchitis. I'm annoyed that things at work aren't going so well. I'm just plain ole annoyed and I wish it would just go away!
The only thing I can do is hang on and ride it out. It will end soon - well, at least it will end eventually.
I wish I could look forward instead of always looking back. I think that life would be easier for me if I could live my life in drive.
