Chicago Chick

Have You Ever Had

the kind of day where you're disappointed more than once? The kind of day where you just shut your office door and cried? The kind of day when you excused yourself from a phone conversation because you were crying so hard you couldn't talk or breathe? I have and I am glad that this day is over.

Disappointment

So I have been told that I have high expectations.  I don't disagree because I do - it's a character trait of mine.  I expect a lot of others and expect more from myself and I doubt that even the most disappointing outcomes will ever change that.  Which leads me to believe that I will always be heartbroken and I will always be disappointed.  I'm still trying to figure out if this can be considered a good thing.

I say this because if I didn't expect anything then there wouldn't be the joys in accomplishing goals.  Then again, if I stopped expecting things - like people to keep their word or do what they said they were going to do or at the very least don't get my hopes up - then I would probably save myself a lot of heartbreak and disappointment.

It's a toss up because I can't help myself.  I'm an eternal optimist even though I am let down.  I think that maybe next time it will be different and even when it's not, I keep thinking that.  So, either I am a complete fool or one of these days I will realize that the heartbreak and disappointment isn't so bad because that which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

Mondays Suck

So I am sitting in the accident site off the Kennedy expressway. I've been here for about an hour waiting for the police to come and write up an accident report. You see, I've been rear-ended. I'm fine although my back and neck are a little sore.

And, the woman that hit me is yacking and yacking her head off and won't SHUT UP! God, lady just SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP already!!! To make matters worse, I'm late for another appointment.

I Really AM Okay

The funny thing about having an on line blog is that you don't always write about everything going on in your life.  But, because it IS on line and people read it, those who do read it form a certain opinion about what is going on in your life.  No Mary Anne, I'm not referring to you when I say this.  And, I'm not referring to others who have on line blogs because I think that they understand that what they write about is probably equivalent to maybe 5% of their entire life.

I'm referring to those who likely don't keep a blog but lurk.  Don't get me wrong, I do like these people - they're perfectly lovely people - but there are times when I get comments or e-mail from them that say that "[I] only write about work and not about the boys; don't [I] care about my family?"  And, I always respond - because I think it's rude not to respond to people who comment or e-mail you - that I don't write about EVERYTHING that is going on in my life.  My boys' lives are not for public consumption.  If they grow up and decide that they would like to keep a blog then it will be up to them to decide what to share and what not to share.

I'll write about how something is annoying me or how work is getting to me, but it's never really for very long.  I seem to have this gift of self-preservation and when things get too much for me at work - or anywhere else - I take action.  I'm not good at wallowing and often get so sick of myself that I have to do something about the predicament that I'm in.  So, yeah - thanks for the concerned e-mails.  I really AM okay.

A-Freakin-Noyed

I have no idea why I'm so annoyed.  It could be because I'm tired or because my brain is fried or because I feel so ridiculously fat.  It could be because I'm cleaning out e-mail and reading old stuff I really should not be reading.  It could very well be because I'm falling into a slump where I'm living my life backwards.

Okay, maybe I'm not living my life backwards, but I've spent the past hour looking back and what I'm seeing is not making me happy.  Why is it that some of us choose to relive the not-so-great moments in our lives?  Really?!?!  REALLY!?!?  Especially when there are so many good things to look forward to.

All I know is that I end up angry and annoyed.  Sometimes it just makes sense to stop when you start down that path and find something else to occupy your mind.  Unfortunately, I end up in the not-so-happy place before I realize that I should just STOP!

Moving in Slow Motion

The days seem to pass by so quickly, but yet I feel like I'm moving at a snail's pace.  There are so many things to do at home and at work but no matter how quickly I try to move, it's as though nothing ever gets accomplished.  I would love to break out of this vicious cycle - I just don't know how.

Ugh - It's Happening Again

Way back in May, I wrote this entry in which I referred to this other entry where I felt invisible.  And, yesterday - guess what - I felt invisible.  It's a common occurrence and I'm thinking that it isn't so much a case of feeling invisible but that I am feeling a little lonely.  Yeah, I said it.  How could that possibly be that I feel lonely in a FULL house?

I mean I live in a house with 3 cats, 1 husband, 2 toddler boys, and about a TON of their toys.  I have a full life, but for some reason I have always felt somewhat lonely.  One would think that the feeling would go away as life went on - life gets busy after all.  But, there are moments when I feel like I am so alone and I wish I knew what I could do about it.

Little Annoyances

I'm on a roll with the complaining and the whining and so why should I stop?  Last night I was moping around the house because the boys went to see David's parents and hang out at the petting zoo.  You may wonder why I wasn't there and I will have to remind you all that I have terrible allergies and am fighting bronchitis.  A visit to the petting zoo would have me curled into a fetal position on the car ride home sneezing and wheezing for dear life.  Yeah, no petting zoo for me.

So moping around the house . . .   I was sitting at my laptop checking my e-mail wondering, "WHY doesn't anyone e-mail me?  WHY doesn't anyone love me?  WHY and I being so mopey?"  And, then my head started to itch - I mean really itch.  Seriously, it itched for a good 10 minutes and then *BOOM* stopped being itchy.  I know that it is said that when your ears itch, it means someone is talking about you.  But, honestly, I have no idea what it means when your head itches.

Things We Don't Say

It always seems that this time of year I get into a "thinking" mood.  Maybe it's because of the weather - the winds pick up and it gets cold - or maybe it's because of the season - it's darker sooner.  For whatever reason, my mind goes into overdrive.  In my head my thoughts turn over and over and over.  And, there are things that I think that I can't say or don't want to talk about.

Little nuggets of thoughts and feelings that I keep to myself because I'm afraid that they'll be seen as stupid or silly.  In reality, I'm afraid of being judged.  But, that doesn't stop me from having those thoughts and feelings.  I've read that they're "normal" and thus, I am "normal" which isn't necessarily something that makes me feel better.

In the end, I sit across from friends and family and carry on at work without saying what I think or feel and I suppose, it's better that way.

Trying to Breathe In and Out

I thought I had gotten past the bronchitis that I was dealing with over Labor Day weekend, but that does not seem to be the case.  Instead, I have put in extra hours at work and have let myself get run down.  The result is something that started as a cold and now has moved into my chest.  Having asthma doesn't help because I am even more susceptible to bronchitis which is what I am sure I have now.  I'm off to try to get to the doctor's office and I'm hoping I get something to knock this "whatever it is" out of my system for good.  The last time I went to the doctor, I got NOTHING!

Just Let Go

It's been a rough weekend for me.  I don't want to go into the reasons for why this is the case, but suffice it to say that it has been a rough weekend and I am glad that it is almost over.  There are so many things that I have been holding on to that I really shouldn't.  Things like old hurts and old feelings and ridiculous thoughts of who I am or am not.  In the end, it doesn't really matter who or what anyone thinks I am as long as I know.  I have to keep reminding myself to just let go.

And Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Program

It's October * sigh *.  I don't really care for October except Halloween and that's probably because it's the VERY last day of October.  There has been a lot of turmoil in my life this past summer - all of it related to work.  There were reorganizations and re-reorganizations and accusations lobbed in my direction and hurt feelings and late, LATE hours.  It's a wonder that it has all seemed to die down.

Maybe I just think it's all died down.  Nah, I'm sure things will get back to "normal" whatever that is.  Part of me thinks that getting back to normal is not such a good thing.  When you are used to going a zillion miles an hour like your hair is on fire, you can get used to it.  Okay, so what I really mean is that I can get used to it.  There's always something to do and when you finish what you need to do, there is an overwhelming sense of accomplishment.  But, things cannot go on at the crazy pace forever.

*Sigh*

Lately it seems that things seem to get more and more complicated.  I'm not sure if that's because I'm older and have more and more responsibilities.