Chicago Chick

Getting the Last One In for 2009

I couldn't say good bye (good riddance) to 2009 without posting the same list of questions I answered at this time 2 years in a row.  Happy New Years!  May 2010 be even better than 2009!

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? Turned down a lucrative consulting job that would have been the perfect fit for me (or at least I thought it would be). Family is more important.
   
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't make any real resolutions for 2009, but I made some for 2010.
   
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? A co-worker who has become a true friend gave birth to her second daughter in October.
   
4. Did anyone close to you die? No - thankfully no. 
   
5. What would you like to have in 2010 that you did not in 2009? Same answer as last year - Peace of mind, less around the middle, and more money in the bank.
   
6. What was your biggest achievement of 2009? This was also my biggest failure because it was the beginning of the end for something very big in my life. Realizing that being afraid is not a good enough reason to forgo a shot at happiness.
   
7. What was your biggest failure? Admitting that I made choices based on fear and that to "fix" what is broken, I have to break something else.
   
8. Did you suffer illness or injury? So far so good, but the year isn't over yet.
   
9. What was the best thing you bought?Two (2) Metra engines for an HO gage train set. They were Christmas presents for the boys and the looks on their faces were priceless.
   
10. Whose behavior merited celebration?My oldest son. He has worked very hard to overcome his anxiety and shyness and any fear about the "ghost of autism" that we thought was nearby is nowhere to be found.
    
11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? It's a tie between me and my husband.
    
12. Where did most of your money go? I have NO idea.
    
13. What did you really get excited about this year? I had such high hopes for 2009.  I was excited going into it, but things quickly changed.  Even though this was not a banner year for us, I am hopeful that things will get better.  At least I can be thankful that my sons are healthy and I still have a job.
    
14. Compared to this time of year are you happier or sadder (sadder) thinner or fatter (a little fatter, but I'm working on it) richer or poorer (poorer in terms of dollars, richer in non-monetary terms, and always ALWAYS wiser).
    
15. What do you wish you'd done more of? Like last year, I wish I'd eaten less and spent more time exercising; I wish I'd spent less and saved more; and I wish I could have fixed what is now broken.
    
16. How did you spend Christmas last year? We stayed home and did absolutely nothing.  It was awesome!
    
17. Did you fall in love in 2009? I fell out of love before 2009, but it took me until this year to admit it.  Thankfully, I have 2 wonderful sons and I fall in love every time I see their faces and look into their beautiful eyes.
    
18. How many one-night stands? NONE
    
19. What was your favorite TV Program? The Hills because my life is not as dramatic as I thought; Being Erica; and Gossip Girl.  I like to be entertained.
    
20. What did you want and get? I wanted my oldest son to do well in school and learn to become more social and he achieved this.  Last year I said that I wanted to learn to like myself and I think I achieved that.  At least, I don't HATE myself. 
    
21. What did you want and not get? Like always I wanted peace of mind and it's something that is a never ending journey.  I wanted to be happy but that is a constant journey.  The things that I wanted and got, I cherish.  The things that I wanted and did not get - well, like the Cubs - there's always next year. 
    

Learning that Short Term Memory is Not Such a BAD Thing!

One of my favorite online blogs to read is Amy's.  It's been one of my favorites for a while and not just because she has become one of my Internet buds, but because her posts are real and they're FUNny.  Every year, Amy posts her picks for those who will die in the new year.  Yeah, it's morbid but people die - it's a fact - get used to it.  And, people bet on lesser things so . . .

Anyway, the 2010 Dead Pool post refers to last year's pool.  And, in last year's pool, there's reference to someone listed at #7.  I cannot for the life of me remember who this person could be and it's not bothering me because I cannot remember.  Instead, it gives me a little hope.

Hope because waaay back in 2008, I wanted to forget how the year went.  2008 was not a very good year, but then again, neither was 2007.  Hmmmm. . . do you see a pattern here.  I digress . . .   So, not being able to remember #7 on Amy's 2009 dead list gives me hope because it shows that I can forget (and do it quite easily too).  This means that if I can forget what was going on last year, I can certainly forget everything - every not so great thing - that has happened in this past year.

Once upon a time (New Year's resolution 2009), I wanted to be cold and unfeeling and to some extent I have achieved that.  I do not feel things as acutely as I used to; this does not mean that I have lost my ability to be empathetic.  In 2010 I would like to be able to see what is important and what will really matter in the end.  I am feeling that this is a skill that I will definitely need to survive the coming year especially since I already know what lies ahead for me in the next few months.  God, give me strength!

Sometimes it Really is

pointless to argue or to fight. I'm tired and lately I really have no clue what is worth it and what isn't.

So, SO Tired!

I'm ridiculously exhausted.  I went into work today even though I had it down as a vacation day.  Instead, I went to work and got a LOT of things done.  It was  productive - albeit annoying - day, but I feel a little better.  And, there are other things that I need to do for home so I'm taking the rest of this week off.  Next week there are plenty of other things to do that will need my attention.

Seriously, I am so tired.  I think it's because I just ate a boatload of sugar.  Bleh!

Yoga Kicked My Butt

In an attempt to get a head start on the new year, I've been diligently working out. In the past 4 days I've run 2 days in a row; attended a spinning class; and have attempted to take a yoga class. What once used to be so easy is difficult now with this older body I have. Plus, the left over baby gut is getting in the way! I know, I know - one step at a time.

Stereotypes Still Abound

Today my youngest son turns 4.  Seriously, FOUR YEARS OLD!!!  Happy birthday baby!

I've been the working parent for the past 4 years and I realize that our situation at home may be a little odd because, after all, it is more common for women to be the stay at home parent.  It's frustrating on many fronts, but what is even more frustrating are the articles that come out about family.  Many articles write about how to deal with stay at home parenting issues from the women's point of view - assuming, that is, that it is the woman who is at home.  Other articles write about parenting issues from the single parent point of view.  In our household, we are neither.  It is the same for relationship issues.  There are issues that are uncommon to households where the working parent is the mother and I am resentful that there are hardly any articles that address this. For example, this article on Yahoo!

The frustrations that I feel as a working parent with a stay at home husband are probably very similar to those of a traditional working husband.  However, there are some very BIG differences.  Even though my sons have their dad at home, he doesn't do certain things like book doctor and dentist appointments; remember to RSVP for birthday party invitations; purchase birthday party gifts; or buy their clothes.  Most stay at home moms do all of that stuff as well as clean the house and make dinner.  What my situation seems to be is sole breadwinner and "mom-chair" quarterback and it is frustrating!

Sure, my husband feeds the boys and takes them to their various appointments and every so often (more than not) the dishes in the sink are done.  However the house is not always clean and the laundry that is washed is not always folded and put away - it's usually in a pile somewhere.  The living room is clean only when we have an argument about it, but the garbage is always taken out and the cat litter box is always clean. 

But, this post is not about what my husband does or does not do.  I think that the world of parenting and relationship articles is woefully behind.  There are more of us sole breadwinner moms out there - the kind with stay at home husbands.

One Foot in Front of the Other

I'm making plans.  It's what I do when I need to feel like I've got some control over my life.  In 2010 there are going to be a lot of changes - not only in my personal life but also at work.  There are some unpleasant things that need to be taken care of on both fronts, but once those unpleasantries are over things will look better.  I'm trying very hard to just take one day at a time and put one front in front of the other.  Before I know it, I will have moved on to the good things and good times ahead.  Just when I think I'm finished, I find that I am far from through.

Number 1,142

First of all, Merry Chirstmas!!!  Second, this is my 1,142 post - on this site.  The posts on this site start in August, 2003 which means that I've been here for 6 years, 5 months and that means that I average 14.8 posts per month.  Not too shabby.  I wonder how many posts I've written in my lifetme since I've had 2 other online blogs and have been polluting the Internet with my thoughts since May 26, 1998.  Scary.

Settling In

In my previous post, I talked about unhappy events that have happened this past weekend.  And, although I'm not ready to talk about them - I'll never blog about them - I've had the opportunity to digest what happened and what they mean to me. 

What they mean to me is this: I cannot chose to NOT change my situation because I'm afraid.  Afraid of making a mistake; afraid of being alone for the rest of my life; or afraid of what the future will hold.  Fear is something that has propelled me through a lot of my life and it has served me well, but I've used that fear as a motivator to make changes in my life and not as something that makes me freeze in my tracks.

My sons are my first priority and whatever decision I make, I know that it will be with them in mind.  At their young age, they may really not care about my happiness but I know that if I am happy then I am able to weather their temper tantrums and their quarrels with each other better.  I'm settling in with the decision I've made.  It hasn't been easy but in the end, we will all be just fine.

We All Compromise

I remember my 20's very clearly and I remember thinking that any decision I made could be fixed in an instant.  Here I am almost 2 decades later and I realize how much those decisions may have compromised the things that are really important to me today.  There are parts of my life that I am so thankful for and there are other parts of my life - the ones I compromised on - that leave me feeling very empty.  This weekend has been a bear and has been, hands down, the WORST weekend of my life (so far).  Mistakes were made; actions were taken; my eyes were flung WIDE open; and decisions were made final. 

I remember talking to my friend, D, today and she told me to quit worrying about what would happen a year from now and that I should concentrate on the now.  My response was: "The only thing that I worry about a year from now is that I'm in the same place."  She told me that would be impossible and I hope that she's right.

Right Now . . .

I am very unhappy.  Changes in life come when you least expect it even if you are the one who wanted those changes in the first place.  I really DO want to be happy, but it's hard to be happy when other people keep trying to decide what's best for you. 

I think that it's best to just let things run their course and live with the outcome whatever it may be.  Today, I wasn't allowed that liberty because someone saw fit to interfere and now I don't know how it would have ended.  It probably would have ended badly and I would have learned a lesson, but I guess that is not how the outcome was meant to be.

Nothing New to Report

The title says it all.  Nothing really has changed around here.  Things are just as they were; I can't say that things are as they should be though.  If things are as they should be then I am thinking I'm in the wrong place.

My frenemy co-worker "hooked up" or at least that is the rumor with another co-worker this past week.  Honestly, some of the people I work with are truly disgusting!

I Really, REALLY Want

to be happy.  I swear I do even though my actions may say to the outside world, "Hey World, I don't want to be happy and that is why I do some really incredibly stupid things."  I used to think that there was nothing that one could possibly do that could NOT be undone (except birth and death), but with the way my life is going lately I would like to revise that thought. 

The new thought is that there is nothing in life that one could do that could NOT be undone (except birth and death), but one should still think very carefully about what they are doing.  At the drop of a hat, turn on a dime, pick-your-phrase-that-symbolizes-a-nanosecond-of-time, the choices that one makes can and will impact the rest of your life.  I am sure that after this time in my life passes or at least becomes settled, I will come up with a revision to that statement.  Maybe it will be something that doesn't sound so dire.

But for now, this is how I feel.  World, I really DO want to be happy even though some of my choices in my 30-some-odd years of life demonstrate the contrary.  I didn't make the best choices EVERY single time and there are minutes, days, weeks, and months that I wish I had made different choices.  But, all those choices (good and bad and mediocre) have brought me to where I am today.  It could be worse - it could be better.  But, to waste time on looking back is futile.  I just need to remember what has transpired when faced with the same decisions again.

And so, I am spending the end of 2009 and likely most of 2010, trying to fix what needs to be fixed.  Seriously world, I really DO want to be happy!

Restless

I think I'm just wired this way.  "What way?" you may ask.  The way that causes me to be utterly and completely bored when there is plenty of stuff to do which leads me to feel restless.  The kind of restless where I check my e-mail a couple of zillion times or check my phone to see if anyone has texted me.  Seriously?  I wish I could turn it off!  In times like these, I usually end up surfing the web for totally useless things like peeling red velvet frosting or some such nonsense.  When I'm restless, I get in the most amount of trouble.  How do you turn this off?

Forever and a Day

It's been forever and a day that I've written a post and in those 6 days (not so much forever and a day is it?), a lot has happened.  I was offered a new job and I took it.  I then mulled it over for a couple of weeks and then gave notice only to ask my boss to rescind my notice.  Yeah, it was crazy.  For a few hours that day I sat on pins and needles while my talked to the CIO to get approval and the folks in HR were informed.  I then spent the next hour talking to the recruiter who got me the job and tried to peel him off the wall.  By Wednesday, this was all over.

So why did I change my mind?  Because I realized that, although I love consulting, I am no longer interested in being a consultant.  At least for now.  Who knows - maybe there will be a day when I will want to go back (my recruiter friend says that I'm pretty much done and no GOOD consulting company will touch me).  But for now, I am good - I have other personal priorities to deal with.

The decision I made was the right decision.  This point was driven home this morning when I had a spur of the moment parent teacher conference for my oldest son.  The hubby had a doctor's appointment and took 1 of the boys to school and the other with him.  Normally, the doctor's appointment would have to be rescheduled (a pain in the butt) and the youngest son would have to go to the parent teacher conference and the hubby would not be able to pay attention to what was being said.

With the job I would have taken,  I would not have been able to make it to the meeting which would have been terrible.  Terrible because I would not have been able to hear about the great strides that my oldest son has made in his social skills and how well he is adjusting to school or how well he's been doing with socializing with other kids.  And, not only did I feel like a major weight was lifted off my shoulders when my boss told me that "of course we'll take you back even though your job has been eliminated" but I was able to participate in a great parent teacher conference.

Yeah, it took them a day to decide that the major part of the job I was doing really belonged in the Finance department and not in IT.  But, luckily I was trying to shed the finance part of my job and focus on the other part.  And, now - I can do exactly that.  My life isn't completely "fixed" but a big piece of it is and now I'm able to be home to address the parts of my life that are "broken".  It's a good feeling!

This Too Shall Pass

There has been a lot of change lately.  I am fortunate to know that the not-so-great times will pass and life will be good again someday soon.