Chicago Chick

In a State of Despair

It sounds overly dramatic and it is - I'm not in a total state of despair.  I'm just stressing out about Monday and being gone from work the past 4 days (really 2 if you don't count the weekend).  There is much to do and I have a lot to catch up on. 

But, I am a little freaked out. Not just about work but about wanted to get back into the swing of working out and feeling better.  I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired and I'm not sure how to start.  There's the eating component and the exercise component.  And, when results aren't quick to come, I get annoyed. 

The entire thing just stresses me out.  I know that it's possible to get back to feeling good because I was able to lose 30 pounds, exercise, and eat right not that long ago.  I felt incredible.  It's just a matter of getting in the right state of mind!

Listening to My Inner Voice

January is pretty much over and already 2010 is shaping up to be an interesting - dare I say exciting - year.  With change there are possibilities and possibilities are always exciting.  In the past 30 days, I have terminated an employee (a week ago Thursday); let a consultant go for non-performance (yesterday); and called the dreaded Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that I thought nobody except the stressed out crazy at work called.  I've since changed my mind about EAP and now realize that at the time it was just what I needed.  I called because I needed something to help me out of the stressful period I'm in and because of that I decided to start seeing a therapist.

This isn't the first time I've sought professional help.  Sounds like I'm totally loony, eh?  "Seek professional help" - heh.  There was a time in my mid/late 20s where I felt completely lost.  I had graduated from college and accomplished what I felt I had been working for all of my school career (not counting post graduate stuff) and I had a good job - okay, a series of good jobs.  But, there were issues that I needed to deal with; the stuff that you ignore from your childhood.  Some people successfully deal with that stuff on their own and others, like me, need a little assistance.  So, I dealt with it and was fine.

But life has an annoying way of changing.  Life would be so easy, don't you all think, if it would just stay the same?  And, with those changes one has to adjust and with those adjustments come the growing pains.  I always thought that in my late 30s that I'd be over "growing pains" but I'm not.  Life's lessons are not so easily ignored because if you don't adjust to those changes and you keep doing the same thing, sooner or later you find that what you're doing doesn't fit anymore and you're FORCED to adjust.  So, here I am being forced to adjust and, once again, I need a little assistance.  Cue the therapist.

Today I had my second session with my therapist and I can see that she is actually helping me deal with the stressful period I am going through.  This time around, I'm not dealing with how I saw my childhood and how it affected me (the GOOD and not so good).  I'm dealing with the decisions I've made and an inner voice that I have chosen to ignore pretty much my whole life - even though I should have listened.  There have been many occasions when I've decided to ignore my inner voice only to find that I should have listened.  The time when my inner voice told me to go home instead of hanging out with a friend (got grounded for that one).  Or, the time when my inner voice told me not to hire a particular consultant (ended up firing that one last Spring).  I could go on.  And, the stressful period that I'm dealing with now has to do with me ignoring my inner voice - the one that is now saying "I TOLD YOU SO!!!!"

The reason for ignoring my inner voice, my gut reaction, my instinct is that I really WANTED for the decisions I made to be true.  I really wanted to believe that the person I hired last Spring as a consultant would do a great job, but they didn't.  I really wanted that decision that I made all those years ago, that is now causing me stress, to turn out ok when I knew that it wouldn't.  But, I know - I've always known - that just because I WANT something to be true does NOT mean that it will be.  I wish I could say that I've learned to listen to my inner voice, but as recently as last week I've silenced that inner voice when I know that I should listen.  I really just don't want the message that it is saying to me now to be true.

Even My Bones Ache

I think the craziness of the past month have finally caught up with me.  Between the insanity of end of year work, the holidays, and the personnel issues at work I think my body has turned against me. I am achy right down to the marrow of my bones.  Seriously - I called in sick today because the boys weren't feeling well, but before noon I started to feel sick myself.  I don't know when the last time was that I called in sick.

Lost

I don't think I've ever felt this lost...

Fired. . . So Fired

Yesterday a stressful situation that I have been dealing with since the end of May, 2009 was resolved.  The person who was once my friend and co-worker (another manager at the time) and ended up reporting to me in a reorganization and then demoted in August, was finally let go.  I was supposed to deliver that news, but because of the behavior of my co-workers a couple of days ago, she was told to report directly to Human Resources over the phone.  Not exactly the way that I would have liked it to have gone.  Not only is it cold and impersonal, but if you are going to let someone go you should at least be told to your face.  At least, that is the way I would like to be told - not saying that I'm planning on getting fired any time soon.  A small part of the stress that I've been carrying around is resolved and I actually feel better.

When the news traveled to co-workers and former co-workers who have worked with this person, the reactions were surprising.  Most people were not shocked and a few asked what took so long.  One person was ridiculously thrilled.  But, all the reactions were not what I expected.  I expected a little more empathy for the person who got let go but found that there was very little of that.  It does not make me feel better that this person is now in need of employment.  I wish that it could have gone differently.  And, I wonder if this were to happen to me if people's reactions would be just as cold.

Stuck

Clearly I am stuck.  I'm in a holding pattern repeating the same behaviors and the same thoughts over and over and over again.  And it is exhausting and non-productive. 

High Level of Suckitude

Yesterday I was told that I would have to deliver some bad news but events today prevented me from delivering it. In the end, the news was delivered. But what made today bad was not that the news was delivered but the behavior of those around me.

I don't think I have been around people whose actions are as childish as the people I've been around today. It's like watching vultures feed on a piece of raw meat where the person getting the bad news is the piece of meat. I get that some people like drama, but there should be a common level of decency extended to everyone. That was not the case today.

People were going out of their way to find out who bad news was going to be delivered to. I mean they actually STOPPED what they were doing to figure this out - like it was a game or something. All the while de-humanizing those who were getting the bad news. Seriously? Who does this stuff!?!? It really was some of the worst display of human behavior I've ever witnessed.

When Life Hands You Lemons . . .

freakin' WING THEM BACK. Right now I am going through something that is incredibly difficult and while I won't write about the details - EVER - I want to say a few things about it. Things that I've learned - shocking things (at least to me) like:

Sometimes we give people the benefit of the doubt when we really shouldn't. I'd love to come through this and still believe that people will do what is right, but that simply isn't going to happen.\

Believing that people will do the right thing is naïve not only because you will get taken, but because what is considered "right" depends on so many things. One can justify their actions a zillion different ways and the conclusion that one comes to as "right" will likely be WRONG for the other party.

Sadly, people will NOT surprise you. For example, if the woman who may one day be your mother in-law thinks you're taking advantage of her son and writes him a letter stating so and you end up being shown that letter, don't be surprised if that woman sees nothing wrong with you being the sole bread winner and supporting her son. When the tables turn - not that I EVER skated off ANYONE - do not be surprised if that woman thinks that her son is not taking advantage of you, even though - CLEARLY - he is.

Love does NOT conquer everything. You can't live off of it. It most certainly does not pay the bills and it does not make the world go 'round and it isn't all you need.

If your significant other asks for something such as love and attention, for GOD'S SAKES it won't cost you anything so just give it to her! It's something that you should give willingly otherwise you two should not be together.

I am sure that there is plenty for me to learn, but I take comfort in knowing that I have not become so jaded that I cannot be happy for other people when they tell me about the good stuff that's going on in their lives. There will be many bumps in the road - I am 100% certain of this. But I know the kind of person I want to be and even though I've become this person I am not happy to become, I know that it is temporary.

I Give Up!

I am seriously tired.  I mean this in a "I am mentally drained and have so much to do but don't know how I can manage to put one foot in front of the other" kind of way.  How do people do this?  How do people have multiple children, manage a household, make enough money to support them, and save for college?  Exactly HOW are people able to do this?  And, it doesn't include carving out a sliver of your life for yourself or for your significant other.  Or, if you don't have a significant other how do you find time to even think of finding a significant other? 

Does it get better?  Does it get easier?  I would love to know the secret.  I give up - this is surely a no-win situation.

Falling Off the Wagon

Did you ever have those weeks (or days) where you feel as though you weren't ever present when things were happening.  I suppose it's almost like a time warp.  So, I made it through this past week to land on today - Saturday - and I'm wondering where did the time go?  What did I do?  Did I accomplish anything?

Truth be told, I accomplished work stuff but nothing else.  Or, at least I don't THINK I accomplished anything else.  I didn't make it to the gym and now I'm a casualty of the "New Years Resolution" workouts.  And, I was doing so well since I started BEFORE the New Year.  Well, I suppose there is only one thing to do when it comes to the gym and eating right.  When one falls off the wagon, it's best to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.

Energy Shortage

Mondays are usually draining days and today was no exception. How in the world do people work full time, challenging jobs and come home to deal with what awaits them? I do not have enough energy to string a sentence together!

Never Alone - Even When You Want to Be

In the past couple of months I have been trying to build up my Facebookaccount.  I have been a member of Facebook for years but haven't really done anything with it.  I use Linked In for keeping up my work contacts, but Facebook is kind of an all together different animal.

In the past month, I have reconnected with an ex-boyfriend's sister; my first grade school crush; and someone who I thought was dead (seriously, I thought he was dead).  Everyone I've contacted and reconnected with has had good things and not so good things happen to them throughout the years.  The one thing I really enjoy is the wonderful memories each person brings.  And, I need those wonderful memories now more than ever!

No Stranger to Dirty Laundry

I have pounds and POUNDS of dirty laundry.  So much of it, in fact, that if I look around me there is more dirty laundry than there is free space.  I would love to air it and would love to put it out there for all to see because once I do that, then it's not mine alone.  And, I honestly would feel a little vindicated.  But, I'm not someone who is vindictive although I wish I were.  I think that this character trait is something that probably would hurt me in the end.  I'm thinking that the vindictive people can release their anger at a moment's notice and instantly feel better.  I wish I could do that.  I wish I could find something to make me feel better.

The Level Of Suckitude in My Life . . .

has just gone up immensely.  Tomorrow is my birthday and I will forever remember this birthday weekend as the one where I finally came to the realization that if someone hasn't met you halfway throughout your relationship, then they probably never will.  Today has been a complete roller coaster and I am hoping that I will look back one day and recognize that (1) it was bad but (2) we made it through in one piece.

I know that I have not been a complete angel but I'm not the devil.  Today has been quite the shit storm and I keep holding on hoping that tomorrow will be better.  For now, I am concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other and trying to get through this.  Things HAVE to get better - don't they?

I Want to Forget

the conversation that I'm having now.  It takes me away from "good" place that I was in an hour or two ago.  Why do I have to have this conversation over and over again?  It's getting old and I'm tried and it's not productive and it won't change a thing.

I Want To Remember

this moment because this is the closest to being in a "good" place that I've been in a long, LONG time. Tomorrow may be different, but for now I am in a good place.

Hate is Such a STRONG Word . . .

but, it's how I feel about this certain someone.  I'm not sure why, but just the mere mention of this person's name or even seeing this person makes me want to spew bile.  I know - it's not in my nature to react this way and I wish I knew why I felt like this.  But, just a few moments ago I was logged into a site and this person's stupid face popped up and I just saw red.  Yeah - not sure why.  Why is it that I have this streak (the hate streak) in me?  I wish it would just go away.  I wish this person would just go away.  And, if I didn't have to see this person anymore would that make my life better?  Would I still hate her?

The Gym, A Haiku

The gym is crowded
Odors abound men farting
Why does this happen

How Many Days to Form a Habit?

If you Google how long it takes to form a habit, you'll usually get a lot of articles about how it takes 21 days.  But, other research has shown that it can take on average 66 days - it depends on what the behavior is.  And, it depends from person to person.  Some articles say 90 days.  I looked this fact up on the Internet because I wondered how long it would take for exercise to become a habit - like brushing my teeth.

I'm currently on day 10 of exercising and eating right and this time around I am surprised how interested I still am.  I think it's because I get on the scale every morning and the freaking number doesn't change that much.  I'm frustrated and I'm keep thinking that things will get better tomorrow.  I am sure it has something to do with muscle mass and all that nonsense, but I'm frustrated and it's my frustration that is keeping me on track.  I wonder how long it takes for someone to give up if they don't see results?

One Foot in Front of the Other

Tomorrow is Monday *sigh* Monday.  And while I enjoy the hubbub of work, I am not looking forward to returning.  I have no idea why exactly.  Okay, so maybe I have SOME idea.  I'm not looking forward to figuring out what I need to accomplish in 2010 and I'm not looking forward to all the things I have to do.  Maybe if I make an effort to break the year out into smaller chunks - like days or weeks - it will seem more bearable.  All I know is that there is some daunting stuff staring at me that I need to take care of immediately.  I am sure that once the unpleasant tasks are taken care of, it will be fine.  I have to remind myself - one foot in front of the other.  Kinda like Bill Murray's character in "What About Bob?" Baby steps, baby steps.