Fears

Fears, no matter how irrational, are so powerful.  They can cause people to take action or to curl up in a ball.  With the changes that are happening in my life I have plenty of fears.  I think I've always had plenty of fears, but I've used them to motivate me.   I am finding that I have to come to grips with my fears - especially the fear of being alone - and try to deal with them.

I can understand why the fear of being alone has come front and center in my life and in the past it's always been in the background.  But now it's like this ginormous gorilla just staring me in the face demanding that I deal with it.  My way of dealing with it is to cry and feel my heart hurt.  After all, this change is heart wrenching for me.  As much as this decision is mine, it is gut wrenching to think how this decision will impact them.

Someone asked me once why, if I was concerned about the negative impacts of my decision on my sons, I didn't change my mind.  I can't explain it but can only describe it as the feeling of having someone put a pillow over your head.  It's this "gasping for air" feeling.  At first you can still kind of breathe but after a few minutes it gets harder and harder.  I've been feeling that way for such a long time and the past few years have been unbearable.  I have a wonderful support system and the fear of "screwing up" my sons is at least kept at bay.  I love my boys with every fiber of being I have and will do anything to make sure that thy are okay.  They definitely come first.

But, the ginormous gorilla?  I'm not so sure about that fear.  I think that it's a fear that I have always had and likely has something to do with my past.  It's a deep seeded fear and to some extent it IS irrational.  I once tearily told someone, "I'm going to be alone FOREVER!" and the other person looked at me and said, "What do you mean?  You have your boys."