Erin Kotecki Vest's post is my favorite Valentine's Day post. It's my favorite because it is in line with my thoughts about being a woman in 2010. Back in the day - the 1980's - I was taught that girls could have it all. By "all" they meant that we could work outside the home and be good mothers; we could be wives that were powerful at home, in the bedroom, and at work; and we were just as good (if not better) than boys. There was talk of women being in the military and on the front lines, fighting next to our fellow men. Strong women were everywhere - in sports, in the boardroom - and Murphy Brown showed girls my age that we didn't need a man. We could be parents without a man.
To this day I don't disagree with the message that was being taught to me as a 9 year old. I think that there was one part of the message that was missing and it is this: to be and have it all is exhausting and to want it all means that you had better be prepared to be okay with all that comes with having it. As the sole breadwinner (and for most of my marriage the bigger breadwinner), it is not easy. It's stressful and at times depressing. I suppose that to some extent the feelings I have would be lessened if my marriage were strong, but it's not.
Yes, my husband does do a lot as the stay at home parent. He dresses the boys, feeds them, and takes them to school and their doctor appointments. He does the dishes, the laundry, and cooks for the boys. But, I still make the doctor appointments, sign the boys up for school, plan the summer activities, plan the birthday parties, buy their clothes, and buy the presents for birthday parties that they attend. All the while, earning a paycheck and dealing with the stresses of work.
And, while there are MANY reasons for the failure of my marriage, I know that a tiny part of it is the lesson I learned while I was barely 10 years old. As a girl I can do and have it all - I just wish that I was given the choice to say that I didn't really want to. In all the excitement I had forgotten to remember that I have a choice. The guilt that I felt because "all the women who came before me worked so hard" so that I could do and have it all was huge. While I recognize the opportunities afforded me because of Susan B. Anthony and Sally Ride, it wasn't my obligation to do and want every opportunity.
I'm not sorry that I am able to earn a living and take care of myself and my sons. I am sorry for the choices I made and often times I wonder what it would have been like to chose a different path for myself. I wonder if I would be okay being a stay at home mom and how my life would have been different. I wonder if I would have been happier or less tired or more fulfilled. I wonder, but I will never know.
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