Chicago Chick

Fears

Fears, no matter how irrational, are so powerful.  They can cause people to take action or to curl up in a ball.  With the changes that are happening in my life I have plenty of fears.  I think I've always had plenty of fears, but I've used them to motivate me.   I am finding that I have to come to grips with my fears - especially the fear of being alone - and try to deal with them.

I can understand why the fear of being alone has come front and center in my life and in the past it's always been in the background.  But now it's like this ginormous gorilla just staring me in the face demanding that I deal with it.  My way of dealing with it is to cry and feel my heart hurt.  After all, this change is heart wrenching for me.  As much as this decision is mine, it is gut wrenching to think how this decision will impact them.

Someone asked me once why, if I was concerned about the negative impacts of my decision on my sons, I didn't change my mind.  I can't explain it but can only describe it as the feeling of having someone put a pillow over your head.  It's this "gasping for air" feeling.  At first you can still kind of breathe but after a few minutes it gets harder and harder.  I've been feeling that way for such a long time and the past few years have been unbearable.  I have a wonderful support system and the fear of "screwing up" my sons is at least kept at bay.  I love my boys with every fiber of being I have and will do anything to make sure that thy are okay.  They definitely come first.

But, the ginormous gorilla?  I'm not so sure about that fear.  I think that it's a fear that I have always had and likely has something to do with my past.  It's a deep seeded fear and to some extent it IS irrational.  I once tearily told someone, "I'm going to be alone FOREVER!" and the other person looked at me and said, "What do you mean?  You have your boys."

I Am

So lonely that it hurts.

No Take Backs

Today I wrote an e-mail ending a newly started friendship.  In the end, it wasn't a friendship that would be good for me and it didn't make sense to me to delay the inevitable.  I hit the send button and I was feeling okay, but the more I thought about it, I started to regret that I sent the e-mail.  But, the damage was done and there are no "take backs" when it comes to these things.

I remember the days when I was little when life seemed to be full of "do-overs" and "take backs."  It almost seemed that any mistake back then could be erased.  But, now as an adult I feel as though life is so permanent.  Maybe it's because events of late are weighing heavily on me and maybe it's because I just did something that I regret and can't really take it back.  Whatever the reason, it makes me sad.

SpamBot

I'm closing comments to my blog since I seem to be gettng a lot of SPAM comments.  Annoying!  So, if you feel like commenting, your best bet is to email me. 

Running Away

Since 2004/2005ish I've attempted (off and on) to run.  I even joined the Chicago Area Runner's Associationbeginning runners program and for  while there was running 5Ks.  Okay, I was attempting to run 5Ks.  Still, I was doing them and even though my time wasn't great it was something that I never thought I would even attempt to do.

I signed up for the beginning runner's program again and yesterday was my first day back.  I missed the first week, but there are 6 more weeks ahead.  For anyone who lives in Chicago (or the Chicagoland area), you know that it was snowing like crazy last night.  There were a group of us running along the lake front last night while the wind was blowing and the snow was coming down.  We must have looked completely crazy but there were other runners out there who were not part of the training group happily running along.

Since it was only the 2nd week, we didn't run that much - maybe a mile and a half at most.  But, it was a great feeling to be out there and even more of an accomplishment for me because my intent was to just pick up my packet and go home.  I'm glad that I stayed.  I felt great during and even better after the run and it reminded me of how clear headed running makes me feel.  I may never be a fast or long distance runner and the most that I may ever run is a block, but it made me feel really REALLY good.  And, lately that is something that is in short supply for me.

The Ups and Downs

are KILLING me!!!!!

Jumping for Joy

Today I threw my youngest son a birthday party.  His birthday is really in December but with the holidays and the drama at home, I could not get organized until February.  I am sure that the birthday police will understand.  It was a nice event at a place where they had those huge inflatable contraptions that kids could slide down and bounce on.  I think that these venues would rake in a huge bankroll if they had an adult's night where drinks were severed and adults could jump for a couple of hours.  I know I'd be sold.

The birthday party went well, but given the STBE hubbyand my circumstances, it was a bit awkward.  Okay, FINE - it was a bit awkward for me.  Being around family is not the most comfortable situation especially when the STBE mother in-law walks past me and tells my sister in-law that she's surprised that I wasn't there.  WTF!?!?!  Who the H-E- double hockey sticks does she think planned the shin-dig?  If she thinks that te STBE hubby did it, she is not only clueless but completely insane.

At least the boys had a good time and I would relive a zillion uncomfortable moments to see them happy.

Interesting. . .

It's amazing that people around you will ask for something that they themselves cannot give in return.  Not so long ago, I stopped asking someone for something because I wasn't ever going to get it.  This morning, this person asked me for validation (i.e., I lost 20 pounds and you didn't even notice) and I was stunned into silence.  I was stunned because I used to ask this person for that type of validation and at that moment I realized I no longer needed (or wanted) it from that person.  It was a freeing moment. 

Girl Power is Exhausting

Erin Kotecki Vest's post is my favorite Valentine's Day post.  It's my favorite because it is in line with my thoughts about being a woman in 2010.  Back in the day - the 1980's - I was taught that girls could have it all.  By "all" they meant that we could work outside the home and be good mothers; we could be wives that were powerful at home, in the bedroom, and at work; and we were just as good (if not better) than boys.  There was talk of women being in the military and on the front lines, fighting next to our fellow men.  Strong women were everywhere - in sports, in the boardroom - and Murphy Brown showed girls my age that we didn't need a man.  We could be parents without a man.

To this day I don't disagree with the message that was being taught to me as a 9 year old.  I think that there was one part of the message that was missing and it is this: to be and have it all is exhausting and to want it all means that you had better be prepared to be okay with all that comes with having it.  As the sole breadwinner (and for most of my marriage the bigger breadwinner), it is not easy.  It's stressful and at times depressing.  I suppose that to some extent the feelings I have would be lessened if my marriage were strong, but it's not.

Yes, my husband does do a lot as the stay at home parent.  He dresses the boys, feeds them, and takes them to school and their doctor appointments.  He does the dishes, the laundry, and cooks for the boys.  But, I still make the doctor appointments, sign the boys up for school, plan the summer activities, plan the birthday parties, buy their clothes, and buy the presents for birthday parties that they attend.  All the while, earning a paycheck and dealing with the stresses of work.

And, while there are MANY reasons for the failure of my marriage, I know that a tiny part of it is the lesson I learned while I was barely 10 years old.  As a girl I can do and have it all - I just wish that I was given the choice to say that I didn't really want to.  In all the excitement I had forgotten to remember that I have a choice.  The guilt that I felt because "all the women who came before me worked so hard" so that I could do and have it all was huge.  While I recognize the opportunities afforded me because of Susan B. Anthony and Sally Ride, it wasn't my obligation to do and want every opportunity.

I'm not sorry that I am able to earn a living and take care of myself and my sons.  I am sorry for the choices I made and often times I wonder what it would have been like to chose a different path for myself.  I wonder if I would be okay being a stay at home mom and how my life would have been different.  I wonder if I would have been happier or less tired or more fulfilled.  I wonder, but I will never know.

I Am Learning . . .

that change is a process and no matter how quickly I want it to happen, it will run its course and be completed when it's complete.  There is nothing that I can do to make it go faster (or slower).  I've never been very good at waiting, but I'm finding that I will have to patient while the events in my life run their course.  I can try to make things go faster and push people to make decisions, but I have to be prepared for how they will react.

This week someone reminded me that messages are sent until they are received which is the same as lessons are sent until they are learned.  I know that I am being taught a valuable lesson with the events that are happening in my life.  And, I know that I am learning them because I chose to ignore the lessons that were thrown at me for almost 2 decades.  I am truly listening now and I am hoping that when I get through all of this that I will have truly learned what I needed to learn.

I am hoping that I can get through this with as much grace and dignity as possible and that those around me, who mean so much, are not damaged in the process.  I can only hope for a fair outcome.  But for now, I have to hunker down and focus because I am in for what looks like a long ride.  I take comfort in knowing that I will truly be okay.

My Heart Hurts

I wish I knew how to make it stop.

Who I USED to be

So recently I have become a Facebook junkie.  I'm not exactly sure why because I have had an account for YEARS but never - until recently - really paid much attention to it.  The thing about Facebook is that it's a wonderful tool for reconnecting with people.  There are people I have not talked to in years and people who I haven't even thought about in close to a decade.  Suddenly, * poof* they're back in your life and you wonder why you ever lost touch with them in the first place.

A month or so ago, I was surprised to get a message from someone I briefly dated the summer after my sophomore year in college.  It was an awful summer where I came home from college and my high school sweetheart who was leaving for Europe for the summer decided to tell me that he didn't love me anymore.  What followed was a summer of drunken unhappiness.  And, in that summer I briefly dated - like for a nanosecond - the person who left me a message on Facebook.  I was happy to see that Mr. Nanosecond was happily married and had a very exciting career.  He seemed to be in a good place and that made me smile out loud.

Then there are the people that you remember in a certain way only to reconnect and find out that their life has dramatically changed.  The last time I saw or talked to D, a high school friend, was during her wedding to W.  D was a couple of years older than me and she was like the big sister I never had.  D and W were the perfect couple and they were married during my freshman year of college.  Yesterday I found out that they had gotten divorced over a decade ago because W was cheating on D for the later part of their marriage. Needless to say, I was shocked.

What also shocked me was the realization of who I used to be.  I know I am not the same person that I was when I was 18 drinking at D and W's wedding all those years ago.  But, in my head I didn't think I was that much different (maybe just older) and it turns out that I am miles away from who I was at 18.  The difference at that point in time seemed like several lifetimes.  In that instant of hearing the news, I had to readjust how I saw W and D and then I had to readjust my perception of my own life.  Twenty-one years has gone by since I was 18 (yikes!) and in that time I have changed dramatically.

I can't really explain the feeling other than the feeling you get when you look at your kids.  Although it seemed like yesterday that my 5 year old was an infant, I realize how much has changed in those 5 years.  The news of D and W's marriage was a shocker - I really thought that before I heard the news that the reason they weren't together was because W had passed away.  But what seemed even more shocking to me was the realization that SO much time has passed and in that time, D and W got divorced; D is now engaged to marry someone else; children and grandchildren have been born; and somehow I actually grew up.

Winter Doldrums

I am definitely in a funk and when I get like this I find myself searching for a project.  Maybe it's the gloomy winter weather we've been having in the Chicagoland area.  Whatever the reason, I'm looking for a project.  I'm thinking I'd like to make the master bedroom a place to chill out and escape the craziness of a 3 guy-1 gal household.  Our home has become a place where toys are strewn about and if you're not careful, you'll trip over something that has wheels (trains, cars, plasma car).

I'd like a place where I can sit and read or watch television or curl up in bed and think of *nothing*.  A place where soft music is playing and the world of David complaining about something and the boys fighting over nothing can just melt away.  The problem is not planning how to construct this getaway but actually executing it.  Executing it will mean arguing over paint color, the timing of when it will get done, and how long it will take to finish.  I'm thinking that maybe it makes sense to just send the boys on a mini vacation and taking vacation days to complete it.  It may mean hiring someone to come in and paint.  Hmmm. . . does not sound like a bad idea!

Morning Rituals

I remember being a kid - like 4 or 5 years old - and waking up on my birthday.  I would rush to the living room and on the piano would be a huge bucket of crayons and a birthday card from my parents.  It seemed like for years on end I could count on getting that huge bucket of crayons and every year I looked forward to that.  It was better than the excitement of Christmas and when I look back, it is one of my most favorite memories.  Just thinking about it now makes me giddy.

There are other wonderful memories I have like waking up each day and looking forward to school or the weekend day ahead.  For the longest time I would wake up each day and instantly have something to look forward to.  I think that it stopped happening regularly in my late 20s - first a day here and a day there and then finally it stopped all together almost 2 years ago.  The decline happened so gradually that at first I didn't notice it.  But one day I woke up and sat in bed for a moment thinking and I realized that it had stopped. 

For a while I just brushed it off because I thought maybe it was something that I had outgrown.  This morningg I realized that it's something that I miss so I sat in bed and thought of good things to look forward to like seeing co-workers that I enjoy seeing and talking to or having lunch with A, a former coworker, whose stories of the guys she's dating make me laugh.  So this evening as I'm looking back on my day, I'm realizing that it was a good day.  I don't know if it had anything to do with taking the time this morning to look for events, places, or people to look forward to, but there are worse ways of starting the day.