I have been seeing a therapist the past 2 months or so because, well, because around the middle of January, I realized that I needed someone to talk to. The situation I am in at home plus the stresses at work (the stresses of the past 8 months at work) had started to wear on me and I thought it best to find someone who wasn't going to push drugs down my throat as a solution to the stresses of life.
It's been very helpful and it has made me realize that the way I see things isn't wrong. The things that I do, the decisions I make, and the way I live my life isn't wrong contrary to what my STBX seems to tell me. After years of him telling me how horrible and selfish and sloppy and you-fill-in-the-blank I am, going to a therapist has opened my eyes. It's true that I CAN BE all those things, but I am not all those horrible things ALL THE TIME. I have also learned to listen to my inner voice.
Last weekend was a tough weekend because I told my therapist about events that happened in early December 2008. It was the first time I told someone who did NOT know my STBX and it was the first time that the person I told the story to did NOT give my STBX the benefit of the doubt. Her reaction was the same as the one I had when I first lived through the event and it was in that instant that I realized that objectively what happened - what he did - was truly disgusting and wrong. That being said, I know that what he did does NOT excuse MY behavior.
So the rest of last weekend was hard. It was hard because it made me come to terms with the decision that I made. I have come too far in this journey to change my mind but sadly, I am not far enough along to see a light at the end of the tunnel. When I mentioned this to my therapist she commented that this journey is going to be something like a maze. I will go along and hit a wall and I will need to turn in order to continue, but sooner or later I would turn a corner and see a light at the end of that path. I know that this is true - I am just hoping that I turn that corner and see the light soon.
