Chicago Chick

Feeling Wrung Out

I am sure that many can identify with that statement. Seriously, I am feeling exactly that way - wrung out. Thankfully, I seem to have this unshakable will to carry on and find a way to replenish my energy stores. The sad part is that in order to gain more energy, I need to choose my battles and remain silent on things I normally wouldn't. Being silent seems to take as much energy as speaking up. But, in the long run, I'm thinking being silent will serve me well.

One of the Cool Kids

When I was in grade school and all throughout junior high and high school *sheesh* I was NEVER one of the cool kids.  Kids did not trip over themselves to talk to me or hang out with me.  I was one of those smart, geeky kids who did not know how to dress themselves.  Come to think of it, I STILL don't know how to dress myself and that would explain the prevalence of the color black in my wardrobe.

Anyway, once upon a time I wrote for a few blogs other than my own.  It wasn't a paid gig, but it was nice to be able to spew my thoughts on line on another site - other than my own.  Every once in awhile I run into an old post that I wrote and I think "hmmm. . . I wasn't so bad at writing after all. And, I'm funny!" 

Yesterday I was reading some old posts that I wrote on my site and read some of the comments.  All of them were thoughtful and a lot of them were very funny.  A good handful of them were from other bloggers and after I read the comments, I clicked on the links.  It was sad that a lot of those blogs no longer exist.  Maybe a few of them have moved on to new blog sites and maybe some have just stopped writing.  I realized that there was a time that people actually read my site.  And, although I was never one of the "cool kids" of the blogshpere, it was nice to know that people actually stopped to read me.

Peace of Mind

I will be visiting family soon and will be staying with them.  It always makes me a little nervous staying with family because I am so used to my own space.  Lately, I've been on a newfound and aggressive search to try to find peace of mind.  And, even though it seems as though I am always searching, this time feels a little more desparate.  Not sure why.  This coming week at work will be a tough one, but I want to prepare for my family visit.  I'm looking up classes in the area and am looking for things to do (other than spending time wiht my family).  I love them dearly, but I've grown to love some solitude.

The Zen Den

David finished the dry wall for my closet and last weekend we put the Elfa Closet Organizer back in the closet.  It was much more difficult that I remembered and I had help this time.  Last time, I ended up putting it in all by myself.  Today David hung up the curtain rod (yep, we're using a curtain - makes more sense given the extra set of drawers we put in) and I put up curtains but not after I sewed on the drapery hook ribbon and hemmed the curtains.  Overall, they look okay; they are a bit thin but they will do for now.

I also cleaned up the rubble that was left from the dry wall repairs and picked up the miscellaneous crap that was on the floor.  It is amazing how quickly stacks of books and papers pile up in that bedroom.  I purchased an inexpensive bedside table from Pier One to put my favorite Voluspa candles.  After all that, I am on my way to what David is calling my "Zen Den".

New window shades, a couple of laundry hampers, and maybe a rug will make the "Zen Den" complete.  It's amazing how fixing up the bedroom has had a positive shift in my thinking.  Now, a coat of paint, some plants, new bathmats, and a couple of towel racks will finish off the attached bathroom and will make the Master Suite "Zen Den" complete.

It Didn't Seem That Long Ago

Once upon a time, I lived in the city (Chicago) and actually lived a life that I now really, REALLY miss.  I miss my newly-constructed home in a very hip neighborhood - one that I probably could not afford to move back into - and I was a parent of 2 boys under the age of 2.  Back in those days, I contributed to Chicago Metblogs.  I actually wrote for other reasons other than for a personal journal.

I stumbled across the articles I wrote and one of them stood out to me.  Probably because I wrote it nearly 5 years ago and in those 5 years my life has changed dramatically.  I won't go into details on how it's changed, but suffice it to say that it has.  So much so that I would hardly recognize myself if the me from the past met the me today.  I can't help but think that 5 years wasn't that long ago, yet things are so VERY different.

The article that I wrote was:

EVERYONE HAS A PAST

Have you ever done something in your life that “seemed like a good idea at the time” and maybe now you’d be a little embarrassed if your co-workers found out about it? I think that even the most “squeaky-clean” (like that person exists) of us has something hiding in the closet.

Last night I put my son to bed and ususally I turn on the TV so he can watch some Sprout TV on PBS. It took me a minute to remember that PBS had fired the “Good Night Show” host Melanie Martinez because of an independent short she did which spoofed some public service announcements on safe sex. The notice was posted on the Sprout website.

So, out of curiosity I watched one of the PSA shorts and it was funny. Okay, not TODDLER funny, but funny. Come on PBS! It’s not like Melanie was going to start talking about sex on the “Good Night Show” and how would a toddler even be exposed to (or understand) the PSA spoofs she did.

The list of children’s television is full of characters with a “past” – Mr. Hooper from Sesame Street (accused of being a Nazi sympathizer); PeeWee Herman (no explanation needed); George Carlin host of Thomas the Tank Engine (arrested for violating obscenity laws); and Alec Baldwin host of Thomas the Tank Engine (accused of spousal abuse and assault). In a world where there are no more metal Tonka trucks, everything is padded, and children are so over-protected it is a wonder anyone grows up to survive past the age of 10.

Fever

I'm not sure why, but for some reason yesterday I had a fever.  I woke up and the weather was on the lousy side.  I ran a morning errand in the city and then decided to head back home instead of hanging out for a couple of hours before my next appointment.  Turns out that was a good decision since I fell asleep for a 2 hours.  When I woke up, I felt a little better and decided to drive out to my next appointment.  By the time I finished, I started feeling ill.  When I got home I had a fever and chills and went straight to bed.

Not sure exactly what it was but a couple of rounds of Tylenol and a good night's sleep seemed to cure most of what ailed me.  Today was spent doing what I wanted to do yesterday.  I hate when things like this happen!  I miss an entire weekend day and those days are in short supply.

Still Searching

Around the time I turned 23 or 24, I started searching for *something*.  I'm not sure what it was, but it coincided with the time that I moved out on my own and wanted to be a different person.  Sure, I kinda liked who I was, but I wanted to explore - the "find myself" quarter-life crisis had hit me square in the face.  Around this time, I moved into a 3 bedroom apartment in Evanston which I shared with 2 other girls.  One of them was my college roommate.  I look back fondly on those days and there are times when I wish I could relive that year.

In my quest for *i'm-not-sure-what*, I started to take some classes.  I took a pottery class and then a drawing class.  I also tried yoga and started doing some research and dabbled in aromatherapy.  I also looked into ayurveda.  In the year of classes and self-discovery, I learned a lot.  I learned to be more self aware.  For example, I knew that I wasn't feeling "safe" or centered when I tried to throw a pot and could not get the clay to center on the wheel. Even though I buried my insecure feelings, it seemed as though they would come out in some form or another.

I used to believe that my self-awareness was a curse.  After all, it would be better to be ignorant and therefore blissfully ignorant.  To some extent I still feel that way.  This self-awareness causes me to keep searching and questioning a decade plus years since I had my quarter-life crisis and started this search. 

Today I started doing more research on ayurveda and it was easier than it was 15 plus years ago.  The internet has done wonders for searching (obviously), but also alternative medicine has grown up a lot since the early 1990s.  It's more excepted and more wide-spread.  I'm finding that things that I was interested in during the beginning of my "self-discovery" are coming back to me. 

I'm happily surprised that the topics such as meditation and ayurveda have come up again - this time from outside sources.  Meditation from an article I was reading and ayurveda from the yoga teacher who I selected to help me with meditation.  All events seem to be related lately and it amazes me how coincidental (or not) some topics in my life are.  It's almost like someone/something saying to me, "hey, remember this stuff is still around and you may want to check into it again.

Where Has the Time Gone?

Normally after the "spring forward" time change, my body takes a while to adjust.  Usually, a while means a week.  But, here we are practically a full month after the time change and I am still exhausted - mentally and physically.  I'm not quite sure why it is but it is. 

I really feel as though the wind got knocked out of my sails at the beginning of this year.  I'm trying my best to fix what ails me, but I'm just so freaking exhausted.  It could be because I'm a year older and no longer in my 30s.  Turning 40 this year wasn't emotionally draining but I seemed to have lost any energy I had in the past.  I'm hoping that these past few months are NOT a sign of things to come.

Exhausted

It's been a very long day made longer only because i got 2 hours of sleep last night and I spilled a quarter cup of pizza sauce on my lap and had to ride the train home that way. Yes, I realize that was a very long, run-on sentence but I DON'T FREAKIN' CARE!!!!!!

Should I Stay or Should I Go

Why is it that I cannot make a decision? I think I am afraid of what the outcome will be or what the impact will be as a result of the decisions I make. I think that to do nothing may just be the easiest way of dealing. Cowardly perhaps, but the easiest route to go.