Chicago Chick

Train Sick, Home Sick, Mom Sick

My boys are on vacation with their father visiting my parents in the south-ish west.  The three of them spent the better part of 3 days on a train and I called them every morning and every evening.  I stayed home because of work and my idea of fun is not 3 days on a train to go to the desert where the temperature will be 104 degrees in the shade at 7:00 in the evening.

On the second day of the train trip, I called my oldest son - the 6 year old - to say hello and to chat about how the trip was going.  The conversation went like this:

Me: Hi! Are you having fun?
Son: Yes - we ate in the dining car and visited the dome car!
Me: Wow! You ARE having a good time!
Son: How was work?
Me: It's okay but I miss you guys.  I love you!
Son: I love you too, Mommy.
Me: I'll see you when you get back.  I miss you, but I'm glad you're having fun.
Son: Um...um...I...um.. *sniff* miss you *sniff* too.

By the time he had uttered that last word, he was crying.  I guess he realized that he missed me.  Apparently, after we hung up he had started crying then sobbing.  He was sobbing so hard that he started gagging and threw up in his backpack - the one with the boys' iPad and my iPad which I had let them bring along for the trip.  My youngest saw the spectacle and threw up on his father.  It was quite the mess.

When I spoke to my son today, he was much better - he's at my parents' house and has had some time to reflect on the train trip.  I asked how he liked the trip so far and he said, "It's fun except now I don't like taking the train.  Mommy, can we fly out here next time and you can't stay home anymore!"  I agreed on the condition that we didn't take the trip in the summer.  I believe I have myself a deal.

A Blink of an Eye

One of my favorite blogs to read is Momo Fali.  She's got a wicked sense of humor and I love her style of writing and point of view.  I'm home recovering from last night's migraine and am almost at the point where I feel normal again (not getting a full night's sleep will make you feel less than human). 

After checking work email and sending some off, I figured I would see what Momo was up to.  She posted a picture taken by Acrokalypse on Flickr that shows a father and son first taken in 1981 at the first launch of the space shuttle and then again in 2011 at the last launch of the shuttle.  A special thank you to Chris Bray who has unselfishly shared this photo with the rest of the world.

 photo courtesy of Chris Bray

It's amazing!  It also makes me think of my sons and how much they have grown.  The oldest one will turn 7 years old at the end of August and every time I look at them, I am amazed at how they're growing so quickly.  The other day I stumbled across some old photos of them and it was such a shock to be reminded of how little they once were.

Separation Anxiety

There was a time when I had to literally sneak out of the house if I needed to go to work, run an errand, or even take out the trash. My sons would get so upset and it would take forever to calm them down if I left the house. I hated sneaking out and would cuddle and kiss them and "wish" them good-bye before I left. 

Gradually, it changed so that they were okay with me leaving the house but I had to wave feverishly from the time I closed the door behind me to the moment I got in the car and drove down the street. It must have been quite a site seeing me with my hand sticking out of the window waving frantically every time I got in the car and drove away.

 My sons and their dad are on a mommy-less vacation. I couldn't get the time away from work to take the trip. Okay, okay, I also did NOT want to spend 2 1/2 days on a train where we did not have the sleeper car booked. I get claustrophobic and grouchy when I'm in a car for more than 4 hours straight. Yes, I could have booked a plane ticket out to where they were going and flown home with them, but I wanted them to have time with their dad. I wanted them to have this "remember when we had a boys trip and took the Amtrak out to Arizona" memory.

I am an idiot. I have not slept well since they left and every time I call them to say hello, I get teary and it makes my oldest son sad. Honestly, this has to be one of the biggest regrets - bigger than the one that USED to be my biggest. I am having separation anxiety. So much so that I considered spending $800 on a plane ticket so that I could spend a weekend with them. I decided against it since it doesn't seem like the best use of money right now. 
 
At least I learned something...

The Unknown

I seem to be on a search for something lately.  Okay, maybe not lately but within the past 3 years the choices that I've made have led me on this path and it's just recently that I realized that it's a path of searching.  It's amazing how sometimes things just fall into place.

In the past 3 years I have learned A LOT about myself - some good and some not so good; about family, friends, my sons; and about life.  I'm still searching and I'm still learning and it's all pretty good.  Sometimes it's just a bit scary sometimes and I think my fear comes from not knowing what's next.  I think if I look at things objectively I can feel good about the way things are going.  After all, things are all not so bad.

Puffy

This weather is making me feel puffy. I think it has to do with the humidity. Ugh! I cannot wait until fall and weather that's a little cooler!

F$%&ing ComEd

I hate you ComEd! I hate that it takes you days to bring our power back up. I hate that you outsourcee your customer service to inconsiderate, incompetent nincompoops. I hate that you could care less about your customers and that you raise your rates for your substandard service. I F$#%ING HATE you and the fact that even if we switched to the other electric company, we would still be sourcing power from your lines.

Shut In

Because of the humidity and the heat, I decided to spend most of yesterday and all of today inside. I dislike summer, but dislike sitting at home even more. Add to that the fact that it's uber gloomy outside and I have a very UNhappy me.

BE Happy

I think I've started this post at least a few times.  When I started it the first time, I realized that I sound like I'm depressed which I am not.  Or, at least I think I'm not.  I could be wrong.  Nah!  I do know that too many days off makes me a lot crazy - stir crazy.  I know it's bad when I log into Facebook or LinkedIn for more than a few minutes.  I know that I'm not susceptible to Facebook depression, but sometimes looking at pictures from the past makes me a little nostalgic and sad.  I wonder where the time has gone and what I've done with my life.  It probably has a lot to do with my present situation.  But, I believe that one has the ability to choose to be happy and usually this is what I choose to be. 

Lately,  Facebook or not, I seem to be back in this weird "funk".  I've felt this way since I turned 40 at the beginning of this year and I remember feeling this way when I turned 20.  When I was 20, I expected something "magical" to happen because I was no longer a teenager.  But, when you turn 20 you realize that it isn't really a milestone birthday - the real milestone seemed to be when you turned 21.  While, I don't think that 41 will be a milestone for me I guess I feel a little cheated.  After all, I didn't do anything special for my birthday this year.  Maybe that's the issue and I should do something special for myself this year.

Nothing makes me happier than planning SOMEthing!

Greiving and Happiness

According to the Kubler-Ross model, there are 5 stages of grief.  One of my sons was able to get over the demise of our cat, Wolfgang, in 2 hours.  The other one did not fair so well.  After a few days of waking up crying for Wolfy and going to bed crying for Wolfy, he seemed to be fine.  One of our remaining cats - we have 2 left - still is not fairing very well.  She (Madison) cries at night wanting to curl up to a very warm, very furry, very GONE Wolfy.

And, I feel as though the house is a little empty without Wolfgang as well.  It's almost been a week since the "Wolfy event" happened and we've moved on.  Apparently greiving for a pet - albiet a 15 year member of my household - is not as long a task as greiving for a human which is not a surprise.  Still, by Wendensday there was still a cloud of unhappiness over our home and I realized, "Hey, I'm an adult and I don't need to ask permission if I want to do something or buy something (with in reason I mean)."  So, I looked at the PAWS website to see if I could find a kitten.  Specifically, a long haired black kitten - one that looked very much like Wolfy.  I found one at a nearby shelter - Heartland Animal Shelter - and called them up to arrange a visit.

After completing the paperwork and the adoption approved, I let the boys know that we were expecting an addition to our household.  They have been to visit the kitten every day since I told them and they are so excited to have her live with us.  It's hard to explain to 2 small boys that the cat needs to have an operation so that she doesn't have babies.  It brings up a whole slew of other questions that are challenging to explain.  For now, I left it as "the kitten needs an operation before we take her home."  I figured I spent last Sunday explaining death, I at LEAST need a few years to explain where babies come from.

I don't see the new kitten as a replacement for Wolfy; instead, the kitten looks so much like Wolfy I think that it's hard to forget him every time we look at her.  We'll see.  For now the boys are so excited and I am too.  I figured 4 days was enough time to be living under a cloud of sadness.