Chicago Chick

Sunday Evening Angst

My stomach is killing me! Why? Because I am dreading going to work tomorrow. This is what it must feel like for kids who dread going to school. I was NEVER that child, but I seem to have turned into THAT adult. It seemed to start in my senior year of college when I lived with roommates I hated and went through a very bad break up with a long distance relationship. Even though it was a very short lived relationship and I rarely saw the guy, the breakup of the relationship did something to me. I ended up becoming so anxious.

I seemed to get over the anxiety by the time I graduated and started my next job. But a year later, I was on a stressful assignment with someone I absolutely hated and the anxiety returned. I was insecure anyways but now I was anxious AND insecure. It was awful. The anxiety comes and goes and I have yet to figure out what triggers it. Sometimes it comes at "that time of the month" and other times it rears it's ugly head whenever. I know that beating it will come when I can pinpoint it's trigger, but for now, I am stuck with just riding it out. *sigh*

Knowing When to Share

In my advanced age of 40 (smirk), I have learned a great deal. In this past year, I have learned a tremendous amount about myself and I've come to realize that I am actually pretty interesting.

One of the most important things that I have learned is that I truly have worth. And, knowing that I have worth, I have the choice of who to share myself with. There is nothing wrong with deciding that a friendship or relationship is no longer worth putting my energy into.

Acceptance

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a psychiatrist, published what is famously known as the Kubler-Ross model which outlines 5 stages of grief.  Everyone who has taken some sort of psychology or sociology class or has dealt with loss due to death has probably has read something about it.  It's been almost 20 years (eek!) since I've been in college, so why bring it up now?

I bring it up now because I have reached middle-age.  And, although I am not having a mid-life crisis, or at least I think I'm not, there are things in my life that I need to just accept.  Things like I'm never going to fit into the extra small sweat pants that my first boyfriend gave me for Christmas; some of my co-workers are going to do exactly what they're expected to do; or my sons will give up bickering with each other and play nicely with each other for hours on end.  Some of those things are ones that are not hard to accept like the one about the sweat-pants (they fit me for a nanosecond when I first got them and then because I grew an inch were too short).  But, some of the things I should just accept are ones that are a little harder - the one about co-workers comes to mind.

Then, there are the ones (not mentioned above) that are taking me years to accept.  I have no idea what it will take for me to accept them and I have struggled with a few in particular.  Like everything in my life, acceptance is not linear and there are moments when I am at peace and other moments when I want to chew my toenails off they make me so crazy!  I am sure that, with time, things will be just fine.  I am sure that there will come a time when I am so tired and so annoyed that I will realize that nothing I can do will "fix" the issue.  I wonder when, exactly, that time will be.

Paying For the Past

I am very fortunate in that I do not have a lot of regrets in my life. Even the most cringeworthy moments - to me - were ones where I learned valuable lessons and I do not wish them gone. However, the few regrets I have are regrets only because I have to pay for them over and over again. I cannot tell you how it breaks my heart.

To make decisions to change the situation so that the regrets can become valuable learning experiences would cause a great amount of suffering for those that I love. The cost to me is very small compared to the cost to those I love dearly. I hate having to pay for those regrets; one day I will be able to stop. I am so looking forward to that day.

MIA

Wow! It's been a long time since I posted. I don't think I have ever not posted in so long. I don't have any reason for why it's been so long - time has just gotten away from me, I guess. The boys are back and they had a fabulous time visiting my parents. They decided that the train wasn't for them after all. Instead, they are convinced that an airplane is the only way to go! School starts soon and I am not ready at all. I am sure it will be a last minute rush, as usual.