Chicago Chick

Not Rare, Not Medium, but WELL DONE

Sometimes I look at my life and I marvel at all the blessings, but there are days when I wonder how in the hell I got here.  How is it that all the individual choices I made - most of them small - got me here.

Yesterday I learned that the puppy we adopted has some sort of parasite - one that is common to animal shelters - and it's transferable to other pets and humans.  I spent the next half hour on the phone making arrangements to bring the cats in for check ups, picked up a pizza and dropped it off, called the cat vet and asked them to fax over their health records to the puppy's vet (and the vet that was going to see the cats today), called the puppy vet to confirm that the cat vet would be faxing paperwork, and went to the grocery store to pick up crackers and ginger ale.  Nevermind that I was still sick with a cold that I had been fighting.

Today, after putting in a loooong day at work where I made decisions, took the blame for some things, and listened to people complain, bitch, and moan,  I came home to a very loud house.  One where 2 animals were chasing each other around the house, the lights on every room were on, one child was arguing with the grown up, and the other child was crying about how he got reprimanded for talking back.  I swear I was going to leave and never come back the moment I put the key into the door.  I marvel how I got here in the first place.  How is it that some small decisions have made my life this way?  * sigh *  I can hear the adult human yelling about something in the basement.  Sometimes I'm thinking that I'm done.  I'm just DONE.

 

2012 Could Be a Year for Opportunities

For some reason I feel as though next year could be a year of opportunities for me.  A little birdie told me that was true.  And, although there are always opportunities - you just need to open your heart and mind - I feel as though next year may have even more than usual in store for me.  I am excited for the coming year!

Sick and Tired and Annoyed

Ugh! I knew that this day would come - I am sick. I am sick, sick, sick. Okay, I was sick last Wednesday and throughout the Thanksgiving holiday. I think it may be part a cold that I have been fighting and part my exhausted self. I feel as though I am on a treadmill that someone keeps turning up the speed. I desparately want to just get off of the thing, but the reality is that I cannot. Nobody can get off and the best that I can do is to try to slow things down. I go through this every year it seems and it seems that I just learn to live the with speed of life. But, I am starting to realize that I cannot go on this way and something has to give. I need to learn to adjust my expectations, adjust my pace, and readjust my priorites.

Keeping Busy to Avoid the Blues

I love, LOVE Halloween, but really don't like Thanksgiving.  For me it's like the black jellybean in my Easter basket and I'm not exactly sure why, but Thanksgiving always seemed like a rather bleak holiday for me.  Maybe because the big attraction is eating.  There are no festive lights or gifts or funny costumes - it's all about eating and, of course, giving thanks.  But, mostly it's about eating and getting ready for Christmas.  It's almost like a trivial holiday since people tend to overlook it for what has become the big commercial holiday that is now Christmas.  I've heard nothing but commercials about how retailers will be open the night of Thanksgiving so people "won't have to wait in line for holiday deals."  Seriously, it is what this holiday has become; a stop-over for Christmas.

Humbug - party of one.

But, this post isn't about how I dislike Thanksgiving.  It's about how this holiday just makes me, well, sad.  I have come to  realize that the best way to combat my sadness is to do SOMEthing; keep busy.  Standing still is not a good option for me when I'm sad.  So, today I kept busy after spendng most of yesterday cooking, hanging out with the boys, and doing pretty much nothing.  I'm so BAD at doing nothing.  After sending the boys off to see their father's parents, I sat and watched a movie and then felt the sadness creep in.  I spent the next 3 hours picking up allergy medicine, going to Starbucks, buying a pet bed for the new member our of family.  It's hard to be sad when there's a cute new member of our family.

And then - THEN - I spent an hour raking leaves.  Seriously - I raked leaves all by myself.  I cleared the front yard because I got sick of looking at them.  I realized that they would not get raked themselves,  And, if I am going to have to live in this house that really should be a townhouse or a condo and if I am going to pay property taxes, I should rake the f@$%ing leaves.  After all, I did pay for the sod that lies underneath and the lawn service that fertilizes the soda that lies underneath.  And, while there is no snow on the ground, I'd like to actually SEE the lawn. 

So, I raked for a little over an hour and while I cursed the person who should have raked the leaves in the first place.  When the leaves were raked and I could see the lawn, a great feeling of satisfaction came to me.  I didn't care who should have or didn't or couldn't rake the leaves - I did it and it felt so good to have accomplished something.  On the plus side, I didn't feel so sad anymore.

Good Bye....Hello

Today was another very hard day, but this time emotionally.  After 17 years, I had to put my cat, Madison, to sleep.  It was the best thing to do since she had lost a lot of weight due to infected teeth and kidney disease.  Although I would have loved to have kept her alive, it would have been selfish and cruel.  She was in pain and had a hard time walking, eating, or drinking.  I have never had to put a pet to sleep.  I've had to make the decision, but never had to actually sit with my pet and hold him/her while it was being done.  That all changed today.

David offered to take Madison to the vet but she was my cat - my friend - and I wanted to be the one to say goodbye.  I put her on the table and pet her head and scratched behind her ears.  They put the needle in her vein and she went to sleep.  The doctor had to stay to make sure that her heart was no longer beating and when it was over, he asked if I needed him to stay with me while I said good bye. I said no and sat with my friend and sobbed.  It was so quiet in the room at that moment; I swear I could hear my heart breaking.  But, it was the best thing to do for Madison.  She was really sick.

I came home to an empty house because the boys were at a friend's birthday party.  When they got home I had to explain that Madison had gone to heaven to be with Wolfgang.  They both started to cry, but the older one understood that Madison was too sick to keep living.  The whole experience was exhausting and I had to lie down and take a nap.  Seriously, I was tired!  But, after an hour the oldest came to me and said, "Mommy, we need a new grey kitty."  The house seemed so empty and although I wasn't looking for a replacement for Madison, I did want to get my mind off of the sickness and unhappiness.

I decided that we should go down to the PAWS Animal Shelter and just take a look at the animals.  I thought it would get us all out of the house and cheer us up.  We ended up looking at the dogs and ended up adopting a beautiful 6 month old pointer puppy.  His name was Bernard, but the boys quickly renamed him Redmond.  I'm still very sad and I really miss Madison, but I am trying to put on a happy face for the boys because they love Redmond - Red - very much and they want me so badly to be happy.

 

A Very Long Week

It's been another very long week and I am glad that it's over. There have been too many things that have happened. Some good, some bad, and some to emotionally challenging that it would be too much to relive. But, here i am again at the end of the week - in one piece and very tired. I am just thankful that it's a weekend.

Not Entirely Sure

This week has been very, VERY challenging - professionally as well as personally.  I'd rather write about the professional because, well, I don't really want to share the personal.  So work has been challenging this past week because of the demands of the users I support.  I will freely admit that some of the pressure that I feel is self-imposed.  I'm a perfectionist and I have high standards - I don't like falling short of the demands that I put upon myself.  If someone lets me down, I can get over it although I will be a little pissy.  However, if I let myself down, I don't easily forgive.

All that being said, I have been dealing with mulitple issues on multiple computer applications all week.  There have been security issues and testing issues and resource issues.  All 3 usually exist on any normal week, but for some reason, they have been especially bad this week.  And, when one issue seemed to be resolved, another would take its place - kind of like the "Wach-A-Mole" game.  It has been a very challenging and humbling week.

I have learned a great deal from this week.  I have learned that I really do like my job and I really do like the people I work with.  I've learned that I have limits and in some cases I know more than I thought.  I've realized that by having a  simple conversation with someone about how their week-long leadership training class went that I'm not as sucky as I thought.  I've also realized that in that same conversation, the person I was talking to is very wise and dependable.  I have come to realize that I am stronger and I am also wiser than I thought.  I don't always make mistakes and I'm not always cleaning up messes for others.  There is always  give and take and just when I think I'm giving more than I should, I am on the taking side.

On the way home from this very, VERY trying week, a sense of quiet came over me.  Normally, a week like this would send me into a fit of tears especially since I have hours of work ahead of me before the weekend is over.  But, I just felt *nothing* - no tears welling up, no anger bubbling up, just *nothing*.  It was a very strange feeling - or lack of feeling.   For the first time, my head was clear.  I'm tired but I'm not exhausted.  I am hoping that it is a new found wisdom and that I will not have some sort of backlash.  I'm hopeful, but I'm not entirely sure.

Tooth Fairy Miscommunication

My youngest lost another tooth - DAYS ago, but someone forgot to tell me. That would be the boys father. Some of you may ask: why didn't I notice? I didn't notice because I am a bad mother. Actually, I am not. I kiss and hug my youngest all the time, but the past day or so he's either had his thumb in his mouth or food or his mouth isn't open.

So the tooth fairy hasn't visited yet because she (i.e., I) didn't hear about it until this evening. According to my youngest son, there has been "some sorta miscommunication."