I would love a moment of clarity where I don't feel that my life is in turmoil. Just a moment - is that too much to ask for?
When things don't go as planned, normal people adjust and make new plans. I, on the other hand, am probably not normal. I do things like beg and plead with the person or I just try harder. I was always taught that if you try hard enough you can accomplish anything. It's a good lesson to learn, I would like to teach my sons a revised version of that lesson.
If you try hard enough, you can accomplish anything, however, you need to recognize what is beyond your control. If what you want depends on someone else and you've tried as hard as you could, chances are it's probably best that you cut bait and realize that you did the best you could.
Somehow that lesson is one that makes me feel very relieved.
I am a pack rat. I hang on to everything it seems. Our basement is a testament to the actual, physical things that I hang on to. Lately, I've realized that I am hanging on not to physical things but invisible things - grudges, memories, feelings, annoyances. For example, there is one person that was a former co-worker that used to be my friend. But, when it became clear that this person could not do their job and ended up reporting to me, she stopped being my friend. It was the first of many "thou shall not have friends at work" lessons for me.
In the end, she couldn't get over being demoted and stopped doing or trying to do her job and I ended up deciding to let her go. For some reason, this person pops into my head every now and again and it bothers me. It bothers me because then the memories flood back. We have acquaintances in common who tell me what she's been up to - unsolicited. I've gotten to the point where I've let them know that I could care less what she'd doing and that I hope that she's happy. But, even though I say those things I'm left feeling annoyed. Seriously, it is that bad. Instead of smiling and wishing her well, I would love to say something like: "I hope she rots in hell "or "I hope she finally found someone to love her because she's totally a miserable person".
Unlike the crap that has been collected in the basement of my house, my feelings for this person are not that hard to discard. I just wish I knew why and I just wish I could let go. It's frustrating because I'm not the kind of person to hold a grudge and it's a complete puzzlement to me why I can't just let this one go.
One of the things that I learned from my 10 day vacation was that I need to set boundaries. Okay, so this wasn't something that was taught to me during my 10 day retreat, but something that I realized after I had gone back to work the following Monday. By boundaries I mean that it is okay to say "No".
For example, one of my co-workers always stops in my office to chat about some work-related thing. And, this well-meaning co-worker starts talking non-stop about something while she can see that I am feverishly typing an email with piles of wayward papers strewn across my desk. Anyone would take this as a sign that now is NOT a good time to talk. However, that is not the case with this well-meaning co-worker. Nope - she sits down across my desk and starts talking, talking, TALKING about things and I get annoyed.
But, it never dawns on me to tell her that now is not a good time and sometimes I do the unthinkable. Yep, I STOP what I'm doing to listen to her which makes her think (I'm sure) that it's okay for her to keep doing this. So what I've done when she did this to me last week was stop what I was doing, look directly at her, and say, "Now isn't a great time. When can I catch up with you?" Sadly, it didn't seem to work and she started to sit, but I repeated that it wasn't a good time and after a couple of sentences out of her mouth, she realized I was serious and went away. I've decided that next time, I will excuse myself and run to the ladies' room.
So boundaries....I decided that if I were out of the office and I was sick, that I would BE sick. This means that I would NOT check my email like a crazy person and I would NOT answer emails that weren't critical. Critical like - a decision needs to be made on an application going live and the ONLY LIVING person who can make that decision is me. So, while I was sick on Thursday and Friday, I checked my email once before lunch and then again at around 3:00 pm. It worked well since those are the times that I had to get up to take my medicine or woke up from a nap or had a hacking coughing fit and needed to find my inhaler.
The upside to boundaries is that you feel more in control. The downside to boundaries - I am so behind at work right now it isn't even close to funny. I was actally caught up by Wednesday after I got back from my 10 day vacation, but now I am so behind that I don't just need a shovel but an end-loader to get through stuff.
In an attempt to gain some control over my health, I've decided to take some drastic measures. Actually, they're not so drastic since I've done some of the things listed below at one point in my life. This time around, I've decided to try them all together in moderation. I do have to say that I'm a little worried that I won't be able to do them all at once and actually stick to it, but I'm so sick of being sick and feeling crappy that I'm willing to give it a try.
ACCUPUNCTURE - This is something that I did religiously for about a year and half but stopped about a year ago. I'm not exactly sure why but I just go too busy to make appointments and just stopped going. The one thing I remember is how good I felt after each session. I had a tremendous amount of energy and it was the beginning of me learning to relax. Maybe the issue was where I was receiving acupuncture treatments - the office took me 30 minutes to get to. I would schedule the appointments around the same time as the time I would schedule my weekly manicure, so every Saturday I would end up getting up at 7:00 am to do the "rounds". If I had to get a haircut or schedule some other "girly" maintenance appointments, I would end up getting home at like 1:00 pm. It was a little too much.
I ended up finding place closer to home, but in order to get to the appointments I have to leave work by 4:30 pm. Shocker of shockers, this means that would have to actually leave work ON TIME. I figured it was an added bonus. The downside is that my insurance won't cover the new place as the place I used to go to was at a Chiropractor's office.
COLON CLEANSE- Waaaaay back in 1998 when I did the Twin Cities - Wisconsin - Chicago AIDS ride, I decided to try out the Detox Cleanse that Karyn Calabrese offered. Yep - I took the class that she offered almost 15 years ago. It was fascinating and it worked! I was healthier than I had ever been and training for the AIDS ride was a cinch. Karyn is now a big wig (I say that with all sincerity since I really like her) and I could take her class again, but I'm afraid my life is very different now and I have other commitments. Instead, I ordered a colon cleansing kit from Blessed Herbs. I've only used part of this kit in the past, but this time I am going to do the entire 8 day cleanse.
EATING BETTER - About the time I seriously first started with acupuncture, I started eating better. I ate according to the USDA food pyramid guidelines and I felt GREAT! I had a lot of energy and was able to better handle stress. Although I wasn't working out, I actually looked leaner. After I complete my cleanse, I'm thinking of trying the 21 Day Vegan Kick-start. Not sure how it compares to the food pyramid, but was going to review it and tweak it to make it fit with the food pyramid guidelines. I'm not sure if I will give up meat all together, but we'll see.
Then there is the exercise piece which I plan on adding. I miss my spin classes and step classes, but the way I have felt for the past year or so has made me not want to go. I love the morning classes, but since I'm so tired I can't seem to get up in time to attend. Plus, with my asthma - aggravated by not feeling well - it makes it hard to breathe and get through the classes.
I get that it's March, but I feel as though my 2012 has just started. I may be ready to make some resolutions!
I have an opinion - I ALWAYS seem to have an opinion. And, I think that review sites like epinion and Citysearch are valuable. I turn to them when I want to purchase something or when I need to find a restaurant or similar place. There are times when I look up a product on Amazon.com if I'm thinking of purchasing something but want someone's opinion on it. I am truly an Internet shopper and I do my homework. That being said, I am finding that I am at war with Yelp! (Yelp! sucks). You'll notice that I didn't put a link to Yelp! (Yelp sucks) in this entry because I am THAT annoyed with them.
A month or so ago, I received some stellar - and I mean stellar - customer service from a store that I visited. I was SO impressed that I opened a Yelp! (Yelp sucks) account just to write a review. Apparently, Yelp! (Yelp sucks) has filters that comb the reviews and they screen out certain reviews. This, I totally understand. However, ALL of my reviews were filtered out. I can't understand why. And, when you go to the Yelp! site, you can find NOTHING about contacting someone to have them post your review. It's frustrating.
According to Yelp! (ahem - Yelp! sucks), the reason for this filter is to make Yelp! (Yelp! sucks) more reliable. However, when I looked at my review and the other filtered reviews for this particular store, I realized that NONE of the reviews looked fake. After going through the pain of opening an account and actually WRITING the review, it's annoying to see my review get filtered and not count towards the rating of the vendor. It's highly unlikely that I'll be using Yelp! (yelp sucks) to do homework on stores in the future. If my GOOD review is being filtered out, are the BAD reviews being filtered out as well and, as a result, are the terrible places being given higher ratings? Something to ponder and also..... Yelp sucks!
Apparently, there is a Yelp! (yelp sucks) for Yelp! (yelp sucks) but I won't post a link on this update to crappy Yelp! (yelp sucks). I guess I'm not the only one who is annoyed with the filter and abandoning that site.
I think my body hates me. Maybe it has every right to hate me because I didn't take as good care of it as I should have. But, now...now, my body is revolting against me. After a very relaxing 10 day vacation, its decided to let me go back to my "normal" life for 3 days and then go on strike. I should have known that the weather swing from winter to spring to summer in a matter of days would do me in. I, for one, a sick of it and have decided to take drastic measures.
I just spent the better part of 40 minutes writing a post on my 10 day vacation and how I was able to unplug from work (no emails, no cell phone, no work communication whatsoever). I talked about how I realized that my stress and worry in life was not all caused by work and how I thought that work was 75% of my stress and worry and in reality it accounted for like 40%. It was well written and I LOST IT!!!!! I'm annoyed. Comcast - I am wondering if you are failing me again as this has been happening more and more in the past 6 months. * sigh *