Chicago Chick

Playing Not To Lose

They say that there is a difference between playing to win and playing not to lose. I have always played to win but recently have changed by tactic to pure survival (i.e., playing not to lose) and let me tell ya, it sucks! There is no fun in merely existing. I know it's temporary but it isn't any fun. And, what good is it when life's not fun?

Thankful

Even though I am going through some difficult times lately, I am thankful for some of the people in my life. People like my mom who will fly out to help me at a moments notice. I actually had the chance to curl up with her like I did when I was a child and it brought me great comfort.

I am thankful for healthy children and terrific benefits provided by my company in the event that they DO get sick. My life has been extremely rocky and unpredictable on all fronts, so counting my blessings has become a regular practice for me. Sometimes I feel as though I am living moment to moment and minute to minute.

It's NEVER Ok

It's never okay for a grown man to speak to another grown person's mother in a way that suggests that they raised their child incorrectly. This includes sarcasm. Case in point, one person telling their soon to be ex-spouse that they "should be proud of the way that (they) raised their daughter, (fill in name here)."

Really?!?! Isn't that saying something about the way that you're mother raised you? Comments like these in front of your children speak volumes about your character.

The Best Way Out is Always Through

I used to run and back in those days I had a shoe tag with my identification on it.  You never knew when you were going to pass out and I wanted to make sure that if anyone found me that I could be whisked away to the emergency room.  There was space on the shoe tag for a witty saying and mine said, "The best way out is always through."  Meaning that the best way to get out of something or stop something that you are experiencing (if it's bad) is to just get through it.  It was a quote from a Robert Frost poem.  This sentiment is echoed in a Rodney Atkins song and I believe one of the lyrics is "If you're going through hell keep on moving."

This saying applies to me these days.  It seems as though there is no where to hide.  Work is stressful and crappy and home is stressful and crappy.  The only saving grace that I have is that I know that all of the things that are crappy right now are temporary.  One day work will be okay again and home will be peaceful again.  When things are at there worst, I have to remind myself that "this too shall pass."  Sometimes it is just really, REALLY hard.

At Least There Won't Be a Divorce

Read this article.  At least they will never get divorced, but in an odd and twisted way, I actually felt sad for them.

Yuckiness in the Pit of My Stomach

I don't REALLY feel an anxiety attack coming, but I do have this achey, twisting feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I know what's causing it and I know it's making me feel awful.  But, I have no idea what I need or want to do about it.  I don't know how to make it go away - except maybe breathing very deeply into a paper bag.

I remember this feeling would creep into the pit of my stomach as a child, but it was triggered by things like hiding a kitten from my parents in our bathroom or not doing my homework.  Never in a zillion years would I have guessed that I would ever grow up let alone have these feelings in the pit of my stomach.  When I feel like this, I just want to find my parents and have them make it better.  It always seemed to work when I was a kid, but I doubt that my parents can fix what ails me now.

I look at my sons and know that they sometimes have that feeling too.  It's natural.  But, when I look at them and they're looking back at me, I don't think that they know that I have that feeling sometimes too.  I'm not so sure that 30 years from now that they will know what to do when they have that feeling in the pit of their stomachs and maybe have a child of their own who is counting on them to hold it together.  I never imagined being an adult would be so - well - so HARD.  Not sure why I thought that.  Maybe because when I had that yucky feeling in my tummy, my parents so effortlessly made it go away.  I never imagined that maybe they felt the same way sometimes.

Goodbye Casey

I thought last week was rough with my son's allergic reaction to his antibiotics, but I was wrong.  This past week started off very rough and the remainder of the week was so rocky.  On Monday, I was awakened by our 17 year old cat climbing on top of my head as I tried to get the last 3 hours of sleep before my work week started at 5:00 am.  Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and I went to sleep on the couch.  When I came back in the bedroom, I couldn't find Casey (our 17 year old cat).  I finally found her in my closet with her body sandwiched in between 2 of my hanging drawers.  She was very much alive but she seemed to be cowering.

I pulled her out of the closet and snuggled her close, but something wasn't right.  I don't know what made me look into her eyes, but I did and I realized that she couldn't see me.  I put her on the floor and called her name - she didn't turn her head.  I tapped my finger 2 inches in front of her face and she started moving in that direction.  I tapped my finger to the right of her head and she moved in that direction, but when I yelled her name while sitting to the left of her she didn't turn her head.  It was like Wolfgang all over again and I instantly felt sick to my stomach.

I realize that Casey is/was an older cat - 17 years old is old for a cat - and she had thyroid and possibly kidney and possibly cancer and that Dave had to give her medicine for the thyroid twice a day.  I realize that in my heart I knew she wasn't going to live through 2012, but nothing prepares you for having to make the decision to say goodbye.  It wasn't just that she was blind because I would have done anything to keep her going if she were in good health.  But, she was in awful health and within an hour of finding her that morning, she started having a difficult time walking.

Nobody wants to see a loved one, albeit a pet, suffer like that and I made the decision to take her to the vet and have her put down.  It was the most humane and unselfish thing that I could think of doing.  I called the vet, had the boys and Dave say good bye to her, and packed her in the pet carrier.  I kept it all together on the 30 minute drive there and petted her as I drove.  I didn't fall apart when talking to the vet or when the vet tech took her to get an IV put in.  I lost it when the vet tech came back in and Casey had an IV sticking out of her.

I couldn't answer questions very clearly because I was sobbing so hard.  I was holding on to Casey and trying to comfort her but I probably wasn't doing a very good job because I was sobbing and my heart was breaking.  It was all so horrible and reminded me of the time I had to take Madison, our other 17 year old cat that I had to put to sleep last November.  The vet put the anesthesia into Casey's IV and as I held her, I could feel her slipping away (yeah, I know it sounds melodramatic, but anyone who has had to put a pet to sleep knows what I am talking about).  Unlike Madison, I didn't seem to let out this animalistic howl when the vet said Casey was gone.  Instead, it was a dull, aching, heartache along with deep sobbing.  It was just as bad. 

And then. . . .then, my week from hell began.  I made it into work by 10:00 am but what followed were issues with a consultant who was working on a porting project who threw data verification and testing into my lap and who would not take responsibility for anything - not even supporting the users that use the applications that she was porting.  Working with this consultant was made worse when my boss told me that she was told that "I dropped the ball on the project."  Huh?  I didn't have anything to do with that particular project.

The days the followed brought issues with the ported applications and data that was missing and an impact to our company that could potentially cost us shop space (not a good thing at all).  Then, I was told that I was going to be moved off the floor onto a different floor which made it seemed like I was being banished.  By Friday, I was emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted.  What difference did it make anymore that I did my job well?  This is where I am now - this week and this year have been so challenging for me.

On the work front, there was the employee that had never had a review that "met expectations" from 3 different managers.  The employee that I put on a performance improvement plan only to end up getting promotoed and moved to a department that I interact with on a daily basis and who I will now have to sit down the hall from.  In the months that I dealt with the employee issues, I was given no support from my company other than from my boss and the VP of my department.  But, there was no support from HR.  Rewarding someone's poor performance does not and did not send a positive message and although I thought I was handling it well, turns out I am not especially after a very hard week.

I am certain that there will be more issues at work related to the large system changes my company has made.  Next week is also the last week of summer camp for my sons and the week after next is the first week of school.  I am nowhere NEAR ready for the first week of school and I have no idea how or if I will have the time to get there.  If I had only known August was going to be like this, I probably would have taken some time off to go to the spa or maybe I would have eaten better or gotten more sleep.  But, nobody knows when shit is going to hit the fan and I suppose what I have to learn from all of this is to be ready for anything at any time. 

Where Does The Time Go?

I marvel at the amount of time that has gone by since I last wrote something.  I used to be SO good at posting regularly, but the past year or so I've become more lax.  It's not that my blog is not important to me - it is.  But, the past year has been very busy and this past week has been utterly ridiculous.  Yes, I used the word "utterly." 

It is amazing to me how life just gets in the way of the good stuff.  By this I mean, that I get so busy with the day to day and concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other - going to work; taking the boys to activities; picking the boys up; - living life that, before you know it, an ENTIRE year has gone by.  Nothing makes me realize how time has passed as much as the ending of a school year followed quickly by the beginning of a new one.  I know that we had summer; I was very warm and my grass is completely brown because we haven't had any rain.  The boys are taller and their school uniforms don't fit.

Where DOES the time go?

Visits to the ER are Never Fun

My oldest son and I spent the evening and into the wee hours of this morning at the Emergency Room.  He had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics that our allergist prescribed for his sinus infection which I don't think he had.