Chicago Chick

Not Entirely Sure

This week has been very, VERY challenging - professionally as well as personally.  I'd rather write about the professional because, well, I don't really want to share the personal.  So work has been challenging this past week because of the demands of the users I support.  I will freely admit that some of the pressure that I feel is self-imposed.  I'm a perfectionist and I have high standards - I don't like falling short of the demands that I put upon myself.  If someone lets me down, I can get over it although I will be a little pissy.  However, if I let myself down, I don't easily forgive.

All that being said, I have been dealing with mulitple issues on multiple computer applications all week.  There have been security issues and testing issues and resource issues.  All 3 usually exist on any normal week, but for some reason, they have been especially bad this week.  And, when one issue seemed to be resolved, another would take its place - kind of like the "Wach-A-Mole" game.  It has been a very challenging and humbling week.

I have learned a great deal from this week.  I have learned that I really do like my job and I really do like the people I work with.  I've learned that I have limits and in some cases I know more than I thought.  I've realized that by having a  simple conversation with someone about how their week-long leadership training class went that I'm not as sucky as I thought.  I've also realized that in that same conversation, the person I was talking to is very wise and dependable.  I have come to realize that I am stronger and I am also wiser than I thought.  I don't always make mistakes and I'm not always cleaning up messes for others.  There is always  give and take and just when I think I'm giving more than I should, I am on the taking side.

On the way home from this very, VERY trying week, a sense of quiet came over me.  Normally, a week like this would send me into a fit of tears especially since I have hours of work ahead of me before the weekend is over.  But, I just felt *nothing* - no tears welling up, no anger bubbling up, just *nothing*.  It was a very strange feeling - or lack of feeling.   For the first time, my head was clear.  I'm tired but I'm not exhausted.  I am hoping that it is a new found wisdom and that I will not have some sort of backlash.  I'm hopeful, but I'm not entirely sure.

Feeling Wrung Out

I am sure that many can identify with that statement. Seriously, I am feeling exactly that way - wrung out. Thankfully, I seem to have this unshakable will to carry on and find a way to replenish my energy stores. The sad part is that in order to gain more energy, I need to choose my battles and remain silent on things I normally wouldn't. Being silent seems to take as much energy as speaking up. But, in the long run, I'm thinking being silent will serve me well.

Round is a Shape

I read a cartoon somewhere where one character says to another, "I'm in shape; ROUND is a shape."  I can sympathize with the cartoon character.  I've been on a never-ending quest to get healthy, get more exercise, eat right, and all that.  Today I thought it would be a great idea to get my oldest son - the 6 year old - to run.  We ran around the block and I let him have a head start.

I was fine for the first leg and started off the second leg pretty strong, but by the third leg I was breathing heavy.  Plus, he was 3 or 4 houses ahead of me.  By the time we raced back home, he had picked up speed and seemed to just be warming up.  I, on the other hand, was huffing and puffing.  I'm thinking that these kinds of runs would be a good thing, but not just for him.  Sheesh - I still feel horrible!

Cluttered Head

The weekends are sometimes very stressful for me.  Yes, I said stressful.  It's stressful because unless I have a zillion things scheduled out, I end up doing *nothing*.  I know that for some people doing nothing is a good thing, but for me it's not - it's stressful.

What happens when I do *nothing* is that I end up lazing around the house and I get nothing accomplished.  I over think, over analyze and then end up making some not so wise choices.  I won't go into the details of the not-so-wise-choices I have made over the years. 

The problem, I think, is that I cannot quiet my head.  I swear, it is like a constant stream of thoughts.  Now before anyone labels me as bi-polar (yep - have been told that by someone who has no experience in diagnosing someone but thought that they were right, Right, RIGHT when they told me that I was bi-polar), what I mean is that I end up thinking things that begin with the phrase "I really should. . . "  For example: I really should clean out my closet; I really should get up and do something instead of taking a nap; or I really should try to figure out what my list of to dos is for Monday morning.

I am used to being productive and for me, sitting and doing *nothing* is frustrating.  I know that I need to address this and I've spent the past hour searching for a good, basic meditation class.  Yeah, yeah, I could go the meditation DVD route, but I've tried that in the past and all I manage to do is fall asleep.  I would like just like to clear my head for a nano-second.  I'm sure that there are a LOT of people out there who would agree with me.  In a time when life demands that we accomplish something or do something productive, I'd like to try to be more focused.  Being stretched a million ways from Sunday is exhausting and makes me feel as though I'm not focused.

February is a LOOOOOONG Month

For a month with 3 less days than the average month, February seems to be dragging on forever!  Maybe because we've had a blizzard, more than our fair share of 1 inch snows, and long stretchs of NO sunshine whatsoever.

Party Planning Secrets

I just finished baking and frosting 72 cupcakes.  It took me 3 hours, 9 eggs, 2 pounds of butter, and LOTS of powdered sugar.  I cannot take all the credit because my 6 year old son helped.  Really, he helped.  He cracked all 9 eggs and managed to keep any eggshells from getting into the batter; he poured in the water; and did all the mixing.  There were no tantrums, fights, or crying - I swear I didn't throw a single tantrum.  If anyone has a good recipe for chocolate butter cream, I'd be happy to have it as the one I have does not taste as good as I'd like (too gritty). 

The cupcakes are for my 5 year old's birthday party tomorrow.  His birthday was right after Christmas.  Yes, I said Christmas and yes, I am fully aware that I am having his birthday party 6 weeks after his real birthday.  There are so many reasons why like the fact that his birthday is a few days afte Christmas and the kids are on break.  Then there is the fact that Iam the one that plans the kids' parties and I spent from November through mid-January sicker than sick.  But, the real reason is this:  I   AM   BUSY. 

It's a terrible reason, but they don't care that their birthdays are celebrated a month later than their real birth date.  The boys care about the friends, and the cake, and the inflatable party place.  At my 6 year old's birthday part (yep, 6 weeks after his REAL birthday), one mom looked at the balloons, the homemade cupcakes, and party favors, and marveled at the party.  She told me that she was a working mom and was way too busy to do all this.  I smiled at her and let her know that I was the working parent and let her in on my secret - that I let the venue make the party favors and blow up the balloons and that the party was 6 weeks after my son's birth date.  She laughed and said that it was a good idea and that her son's birthday was in November.  Her son's birthday party was just last week.

Groundhog Day and Other Things

Today the boys had a snow day and I worked from home.  There was 18 inches of snow outside our doors and the amount of snow at the end of our driveway was more like 4 feet - thanks to the snowplows.  Strangely enough, the street did not look like it was even plowed.  I am sure that if Punxsutawney Phil lived in the Chicagoland area, he would have taken one look outside and went straight back to bed.

Being trapped in a house for an entire day with no means of escaping was not fun.  I worked on some things that needed to get done and I took a nap.  Being indoors makes me cranky as I am really susceptible to cabin fever.  I don't shower; I mope; and, as a result, I feel awful and depressed.  The boys' dad could not find their snow pants and even if he did, they didn't want to go outside and play. 

Days like this stress me out and they make me sad.  For me it was a totally wasted day.

The Yelling Parent

Tonight as I was trying to finalize a DVD of my son for his teacher, I realized something.  I am the yelling parent.  Okay, so I didn't JUST realize that I was the yelling parent.  But, until I played the DVD back I didn't realize how horrible it sounds.  I'm the whining, irritated, "why can't you just stop it stop it STOPPPPPPIIIIITTT already" yelling parent.  Sheesh!  I suppose in a weird way that it's a good thing that I saw the play back.  Not only because do I NOT want my son's teacher to see me in this light but more importantly because I see myself.  It's not pretty.

It's so NOT pretty that I'm making changes right away.  I may not be able to completely stop being the yelling parent, but I can definitely stop being the whining, irritated parent.  I can remember that my actions are ones that my boys will pick up.  Seriously, I wondered why they were so whiny and now - now I know why.

And Now My Heart is Broken Inefficient

Yesterday I wrote about how my calves were burning, screaming, aching.  Today, I took a metabolic test - same one as I did a couple of years ago - and it turns out that (1) I am worse off than I was in March of 2008 and that (2) my heart is inefficient and moving oxygen through my body.  So, I'm not going to die of a heart attack; or, at least that is what the gym guy says (take it for what it's worth).  But, it does scare me that my heart is inefficient.  I'm not over-exaggerating - if the efficiency of my heart moving oxygen through my body were graded, I would have gotten a F+/D-.  I have NEVER gotten grades (at school) like that in my life.  I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Low on Motivation

Right now I've been attempting to paint the bedroom with the husband.  Actually, I cut in a small section of a wall but progress has been interrupted by me, lack of 100 grit sandpaper, and well - me.  I did, however, clear off the floor and put things away.  But, I am just SO freaking lazy!!!

Is It Bad That

I'm not really digging my life.  Not that I'm going to jump off a bridge or pop a handful of pills, but for some reason, I'm just really dissatisfied.  It's a little distressing.  I just want to be the happiest version of myself.

Millstone

It is amazing how the feelings of love and hate can be felt so intensely.  I never thought I would ever say that I "hated" someone, but I truly do HATE this person.  Right now my head is pounding and my blood is boiling.  I am so ridiculously angry that I can't speak.  Well, I can but what comes out of my mouth is pure jibberish.  And, when the anger subsides I know that I will go back to the way that I feel about this person which is annoyance and the feeling that they are millstone around my neck choking the joy and life out of me.

Screw Happiness, I Just Want a Little Peace

I'm trying to tuck in for a long week - I took Monday and Tuesday off and will be working from home on Wednesday.  I should say that I TRIED to take Monday and Tuesday off because I will be working.  Not a problem, I can rearrange my schedule and work from home Monday and take vacation days for Tuesday and Wednesday. 

This weekend has been hard for me because not only am I recovering from being sick, but I'm tired.  Being tired and being at home with parental duties is hard enough, but then there is the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday.  I had initially decided to have Thanksgiving with the boys and their father but then had a nice conversation with a friend whose father just past away.  It reminded me that parents aren't going to be here forever and I changed my mind.  I had the boys' father call my in-laws and accept their invitation to Thanksgiving and then I called my mother and said that we would all be over for dinner.

I know it was the right thing to do and sometimes the right thing to do causes one great stress.  And, in this case I am stressed out.  I'm not happy with how things are going in my life and I am struggling to pull myself together.  My greatest wish would be not for happiness, but just contentment.  I think that being content, overall, would improve my relationships at home which would bring much needed peace.  Once up on a time, I wished for happiness but as I get older I realize that happiness is a moment in time.  I would rather strive for contentment punctuated with moments of happiness.  In the end, I wonder if that is possible because contentment is as elusive as happiness sometimes. 

The Pounding in My Head

As the days and weeks go by, I am convinced that my slow recovery is due to (1) stress; (2) the fact that I eat junk; (3) the fact that I am old; and (4) my lack of sleep.  It can all be fixed, but I need to make better choices - what I eat, when I go to bed, what I let bother me - and sometimes it's just easier to be a lazy sloth.  I'm sure that the pounding in my head isn't entirely due to my sons fighting with each other and the husband stressing me out.  I am sure that the 4 macaroons I ate back to back are equally to blame.  Sheesh!

Clawing My Way Uphill

I must have relapsed because I'm home from work sick today.  This cold/bronchitis/strep/whateveritis is really kicking my butt and I'm wondering if I'm supposed to take it as a sign.  I think someone/something is trying to tell me "hey, a$$hole - take better care of yourself or else!"

When I'm home feeling like poo, the only thing that keeps me from crawling out of my skin is do something that I think is productive.  Watching bad daytime television is not productive and neither is laying around doing nothing.  Luckily the cold medicine I took has kept a migraine at bay and I'm ok to read for a few minutes at a time.

I purchased the book The Change Your Life Challenge right before I started getting sick and it sat on my bedside table for over a month.  Now that I'm home with a few minutes to spare, I started reading it.  So far I'm on page 18 and have gotten some good insight.  Actually, I'm thinking of resting after I finish page 18 and the activity because I am exhausted.  Not because it's a bad book, but because my eyes are tired and my head is starting to ache.  So far it's been pretty good and I'm hoping that it will help be get to where I want to be.

Not SO Terrible

Today I came face to face with the person from my past and it . . . wasn't so terrible.  Actually, it was harder just getting up this morning and going to work after being home for most of last week.  Being sick is NO fun and I never realized how physically exhausting work was - even the desk jockey type of work.  By 1:00 this afternoon I was ready for a nap.

In my last post, I referred to a period in my life that wasn't so great and one that I wrote about in this entry.  When I met with the person from my past, let's call her C-Mac, I asked about the people on the project (she called it the "Toxic" project).  It was interesting to find out what happened to everyone.  Really, it was more than interesting - some of it was downright satisfying.

• Evil Project Manger (EPM):
  This was the woman who, for some unknown reason, liked to pick on me publicly.  She was the one who would direct me to approach something in a certain way.  When I disagreed and explained my approach, she insisted on hers.  When I got to the meeting and explained the approach (HER approach), the clients disagreed and the EPM would berate me in front of everyone.  She would then insist that she told me to go with a different approach (MY original approach) and that I didn't listen.
  
  After I finally was successful in causing such a ruckus by using the "H" word (harassment - see recap in a post I wrote here), I was able to roll off the project.  Apparently, the EPM was given a very STRONG talking to and her behavior changed.
  
  
• Transition Guy (TG):
  Transition guy was the guy who was brought in to replace me.  Apparently, he worked for the same consulting company as the EPM who, coincidentally, told TG that she could do my job in a day but didn't want to roll me off the project until I transitioned everything.  Funny thing was that they took almost a month to transition me off the project because TG wasn't catching on AND TG ended up emailing me for help as I wrote in this post).
  
  TG was rolled off the project within DAYS of my leaving the project and was shortly fired from the consulting company.  He was unemployed for almost a year and in that year, managed to track me down on Linked In asking me to join his network.  Uh, yeah, like I was going to accept his invite - NOT.  He ended up finally getting a job almost 18 months after he was fired from his consulting company.
  
  
• Other Miscellaneous
  There were some other people who I really enjoyed working with who were still with the client.  Because the client manufactured luxury goods, they were losing A LOT (millions) of money per day during the worst of the recession.  This caused massive lay-offs, but the people on the project who I respected and liked managed to stay on.  One person in particular, who really didn't add value but was a nice person, was laid-off prior to me rolling off the project while another person who wasn't very nice was told one week that she'd be leaving and the next staying and then the next leaving.  That person is still there.
  
  Then there is stupid sales guy from the consulting company that I worked for at the time who wanted to sell  me out.  He was the one that wanted to keep me on the project even though the term "harassment" was tossed about (see this post).  Before the end of 2009, he ended up getting asked to leave the consulting company that I worked for.  This I witnessed first hand because he left shortly after I accepted a job with my current company (see this post).

While I don't relish the fact that some people truly "got" what they deserved, there is some satisfaction in knowing that (1) what comes around DOES go around; (2) karma is a bitch; and (3) that which does not kill us makes us stronger.  Looking back on that "Toxic" project, I would not do anything differently.  I learned a great deal during the time I was there that I use to this day (i.e., I'm not afraid to stand up for myself regardless of the outcome).  And, I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of criticism and I remember when I'm giving criticism that one should always treat the other person with common courtesy and respect.

Oh, and yeah - truthfully - it was nice to hear that people got what they deserved and I did relish it just a teeny bit.  Let's be real people, I AM human!!!

Living the Definition of Insanity

I am sure that everyone has heard the saying, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."  The saying is so true and I live my life that way constantly.  The thing is that there are so many things that I would like to change but have no idea exactly where to begin.  What should I attack first and which thing should I change that will give me the most momentum?  I never know and so instead I see to just sit and feel sorry for myself wishing things would change.

Helmet Head

Things have been crazy at work - crazier than normal.  This is probably because it's the end of the year; it's budget season; projects are running late; and the multi-year initiative we've been working on is supposed to be drawing to a close.  On the personal front, I've been fighting the cold that our family is sharing; I have 2 boys who are back in school; we refinanced; and I'm still trying to get on the "wellness" bandwagon. 

So, what is my response to all this craziness?  I cut my hair off to about an inch above my shoulders.  The ends were dead anyways.  It's not that I hate my hair this short, but that I would rather have long hair.  But, it will grow back and it was a necessary evil.  You see, my hair was fried - F   R   I   E   D!  So much so that the ends of my hair looked like a different color than the rest of my head (think sun bleached). 

When I look in the mirror I think "flashback to the 1980s" before the big, long hair craze hit.  It looks like a cross between Dorothy Hamil and 1984.  I am sure I exaggerate because my hair guy wouldn't do that to me.  * sigh * It's just a waiting game now.  How long can I last before my dark helmet of hair grows back.

I Am My Own Worst Enemy

So go the lyrics from Lit's song My Own Worst Enemy.  Not my favorite song or band or video; I don't even have it on my iPod, but it's very appropriate for me today.  The offices I work for were closed on Friday and then again today for the 4th of July holiday.  With a very short week - what with me taking off the previous Friday and last week Monday off for vacation - it was amazing the amount of things I got accomplished at work.

Still, a shorted work week due to long weekends gives me a lot, and I mean A LOT, of time to think.  Thinking is not something that I like to do because I can do some real damage to myself just by thinking.  If I keep busy, then I don't have time to think and I'm productive (and less self-sabotaging).  But, this weekend, I actually did some productive thinking (I also spent a lot of time with the boys and enjoying their company but this post isn't about them) and spent some time on the phone catching up with old friends who really know me and understand what goes through my head.  One of them told me that I may not be in complete control of the world around me, but I always had a choice in how I reacted to the things that were thrown at me.

That theme has been running through my head the last few days and it's been helpful.  In the contained and controlled home environment, it really helped diffuse some potentially stressful situations.  We'll see how it works out when I get to work.  I'm really hoping that the practice I've had these past few days at home will translate to work.

I Would. . .

cry if I thought it would help.  I'm finally back at work and have been working since 7:15ish this morning.  It's now 9:30 pm and except for the drive home and the 20 minutes I stopped for dinner I have been working like mad to catch up.  I'm exhausted and hoping that tomorrow is a better day!