Chicago Chick

Again

I swear it's like beating my head against the wall.  I've been told many times that the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over but expecting different results. 

Sometimes You Just Have to Say "Whatever"

I was getting set to do something for work and it got reassigned to a consultant. I've been battling the insecurities of responsibilities getting pulled away from me and so far the way I've been dealing with it is to get all sad. I am at the point now where I'm throwing up my hands and just saying "WHATEVER!"

I need to re-evaluate where I am in my career and decide what I need to push it along. Maybe I will decide to leave or maybe I will stay and try to put some balance into my life. For now, I am just going to see it for what it is.

My Calves are Screaming

I've been trying to get back to the gym after nearly 3 months of being either sick or having a respiratory issue.  Yes, I said nearly THREE months!  Apparently, this is not abnormal this year for many people.  I've seen my doctor more than I care to - she's nice and I like her, but REALLY?  Add to that the asthma I have and getting over bronchitis becomes nearly impossible.

So, last week I started to feel better and I decided that I would take advantage of the 3 day weekend we had and actually rest.  I slept A LOT over this past weekend and by Monday morning decided to go to a spinning class.  I lasted 30 minutes and it was horrible.  But, I decided later that night to take another cardio class hoping that I could do another 30 minutes.  I actually survived.  In the spirit of trying to take it easy and rest so that my body could recuperate, I didn't see the inside of a gym until yesterday. 

Yesterday I went to a 5:30 am spinning class and then worked out with my trainer in the evening.  It was a long day because in between the morning spinning class and training session, I worked a full day and also got a haircut.  I made it home by 9:30, kissed my babies good night, and crawled into bed.

As a result of the gym time (and a beautiful pair of grey faux crocodile 4-inch heels), my calves are on FIRE.  When I got home this evening and took off my boots (a pair of 3-inch pointed-toe, black patent pair), it hurt to walk bear-foot.  Yes, I know that it is my fault that my calves are killing me but I'm trying to ignore it.  It will go away.  The pain always does.

Sick - Again!

I am sick - yet again.  I am home from work sick after going to work yesterday, putting in a full 4 hour day, and having a dozen people tell me to go home.  Today was our department holiday party and I was to plan a "fun" activity.  Well, I had the "fun" activity stuff at home with me and so at 6:00 am decided to drive into the city and drop off the "fun" activity stuff.  The person I left it with no doubt thought I was crazy (he actually already thinks I'm crazy, so the fact that I would drive into work at 6:00 am in the snow to drop off something does NOT surprise him).

I was back in bed by 7:30 am and have slept the entire day except for the hour I have been up to write this post and try to eat something that has no taste. What I mean is that I can't taste anything that I've tried to eat.  The boys and their father are at the in-laws because the mother in-law isn't feeling well and the boys' father wanted them to spend some quality time with her.  I don't think that death is at her door, but since I FEEL like death, I thought it would be a good idea for them to get out of the house away from my hacking and coughing.

So, yeah, I'm sick - again.  I have logged more sick days at work this year than any other year I've ever worked.  I swear I feel like I've been run over by a bus and then backed over by it again.  I'm being sarcastic people.  But, really I do feel completely lousey.  Myhead feel like it's being held together by rubber bands and chicken wire and the pressure of coughing will make it explode into a million pieces.  My nose is dripping so much that I've gone through an entire box of facial tissue (because we're too cheap to buy Kleenex) in the span of about an hour.

I have antibiotics so I'm hoping that they will kick in soon - someday - someday soon.  I hate feeling this way and I'm realizing that I am having a harder time getting better than I used to which makes me feel every bit of my age.  I am realizing that I need to take better care of myself because I'm old and although I'm not at death's door, I would hate to feel the way that I feel now for any extended period of time.  Seriously, some things are going to have to change and I know that it's going to be me who does the work. *sigh*

It's Like Time Stood Still

Exactly a year ago, I wrote a post about decisions I made when I was younger and how I had the WORST weekend of my life (so far).  And, when I think back to that day it really was the WORST weekend - thankfully I have not had any that have come close.  But, there is something haunting in the post that I wrote. 

I said:

I remember talking to my friend, D, today and she told me to quit worrying about what would happen a year from now and that I should concentrate on the now.  My response was: "The only thing that I worry about a year from now is that I'm in the same place."  She told me that would be impossible and I hope that she's right.

And it's NOT impossible!  I am in EXACTLY the same place as I was a year ago.  It's not a good thing.  I should remember the shock and horror that I am feeling right now and use that as something to propel me into making changes.  Truly in my wildest nightmares I never thought I'd be in the EXACT same place today as I was last year.

Angry for No Reason

I'm human. I'm very, VERY human.  So much so that some people out there who I've crossed paths with who are not/were not so nice still manage to tick me off.  I'm not sure why - it's not like I've even come into contact with them.  For some reason, the mere mention of them makes my blood simmer.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who has these feelings; maybe I'm just crazy enough to admit it.

I think the reason that I'm angry is because I put up with their shit and I did so with a smile on my face because at the time, it was the "right" thing to do.  It was the "adult" thing to do.  But, I smiled and became more resentful that by the time they were not in my life anymore I was angry.  It's not like I carry the anger with me every day - that would be exhausting!  But, every once in a while, the anger sneaks up on me and before I know it * POW * I'm in a half-hour long bitter-angry-annoyed journey.  Thankfully, the half-hour is almost up and I can go back to being my normal, sane self. :)

Stopping and Asking for Directions is NOT Always an Option

I'm frustrated and tired and lost.  Most of all, I feel lost.  I am hoping, as with other times, that these feelings are temporary and caused by the phase of the moon or where I am in my woman cycle.  I know that the feelings that I feel are very real, but I don't know what to do about them.  The best that I can do is hang on and just ride it out.  It's always worked in the past.

But, there are fears I have and one of the fears is that what if hanging on and riding it out isn't enough.  What if that approach doesn't work anymore?  When you're tired and angry and above all, lost, what do you do?  Sometimes stopping and asking for directions is not always an option.  It's not like there's a map, is there?

That Seriously Did NOT Happen!

Today during the seminar the gals (and I mean gals 'cuz I'm sharing a table with 5 other women), were talking about things that happen at work that don't seem real.  One person said that it was not unusual for her projects to go for years and years without end.  Another person said that she once was propositioned by a client for a million dollars.  Apparently she signs off on projects and paperwork that government agencies rely upon to attest that landfills and such projects are safe.  Some of these stories you think, "Seriously?  That did not happen!"  And, they're true - it's not like I heard it from a friend of a friend of a friend. 

Then there is something that happened last year in which a consultant project manager that I hired hit on one of the other project managers - I fired him.  Apparently there is something about June and project managers because last week one of the consultant project managers I recently hired hit on me.  Seriously - it happened - and we had a repeat of last year.  Anyone out there a good IT project manager looking for a place to work?  UN-freakin-buh-leeeeeevabul!

Changes, More Changes

I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting older and more settled or if the changes are just more complex, but there have been a lot of changes at work and they're a bit unsettling.  Normally, these types of changes would not make me nervous or even ruffle a feather for me.  I'm finding that the changes are good overall but sometimes the impact to me is not so great.

Maybe I should rephrase that.  The impact of those changes as I perceive them are not so great for me.  I think in my consulting years I would have just shrugged my shoulders and gone with the flow.  Usually these types of changes would not change my job.  Then again, back in my consulting days I was more concerned with delivering a final product and not so much about who I was managing or where I would be in the pecking order.

What is causing me angst is all in how I perceive things and since I've become a full time employee, it's messed with my head.  I've become a little more protective of where I am in the pecking order.  It's not how I like to operate; I don't like being concerned with where I am in the pecking order.  I don't like being concerned about any stupid pecking order.  It's a bi-product of leaving consulting for a perceived more "stable" permanent position and it's a bi-product I don't really care for.

So, yeah, I guess you could say that it's all in my head.  But when politics could get in the way of keeping my job it stops being all in my head.

SpamBot

I'm closing comments to my blog since I seem to be gettng a lot of SPAM comments.  Annoying!  So, if you feel like commenting, your best bet is to email me. 

In a State of Despair

It sounds overly dramatic and it is - I'm not in a total state of despair.  I'm just stressing out about Monday and being gone from work the past 4 days (really 2 if you don't count the weekend).  There is much to do and I have a lot to catch up on. 

But, I am a little freaked out. Not just about work but about wanted to get back into the swing of working out and feeling better.  I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired and I'm not sure how to start.  There's the eating component and the exercise component.  And, when results aren't quick to come, I get annoyed. 

The entire thing just stresses me out.  I know that it's possible to get back to feeling good because I was able to lose 30 pounds, exercise, and eat right not that long ago.  I felt incredible.  It's just a matter of getting in the right state of mind!

Even My Bones Ache

I think the craziness of the past month have finally caught up with me.  Between the insanity of end of year work, the holidays, and the personnel issues at work I think my body has turned against me. I am achy right down to the marrow of my bones.  Seriously - I called in sick today because the boys weren't feeling well, but before noon I started to feel sick myself.  I don't know when the last time was that I called in sick.

Stuck

Clearly I am stuck.  I'm in a holding pattern repeating the same behaviors and the same thoughts over and over and over again.  And it is exhausting and non-productive. 

Falling Off the Wagon

Did you ever have those weeks (or days) where you feel as though you weren't ever present when things were happening.  I suppose it's almost like a time warp.  So, I made it through this past week to land on today - Saturday - and I'm wondering where did the time go?  What did I do?  Did I accomplish anything?

Truth be told, I accomplished work stuff but nothing else.  Or, at least I don't THINK I accomplished anything else.  I didn't make it to the gym and now I'm a casualty of the "New Years Resolution" workouts.  And, I was doing so well since I started BEFORE the New Year.  Well, I suppose there is only one thing to do when it comes to the gym and eating right.  When one falls off the wagon, it's best to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.

I Want to Forget

the conversation that I'm having now.  It takes me away from "good" place that I was in an hour or two ago.  Why do I have to have this conversation over and over again?  It's getting old and I'm tried and it's not productive and it won't change a thing.

Hate is Such a STRONG Word . . .

but, it's how I feel about this certain someone.  I'm not sure why, but just the mere mention of this person's name or even seeing this person makes me want to spew bile.  I know - it's not in my nature to react this way and I wish I knew why I felt like this.  But, just a few moments ago I was logged into a site and this person's stupid face popped up and I just saw red.  Yeah - not sure why.  Why is it that I have this streak (the hate streak) in me?  I wish it would just go away.  I wish this person would just go away.  And, if I didn't have to see this person anymore would that make my life better?  Would I still hate her?

Frustrated With Life's Changes

I know that death and change are 2 things that are inevitable in life.  I KNOW that - I GET it, but it never ceases to annoy me.  Okay, so I'm not talking about death annoying me but change, in general, annoying me.  Yes, change happens everyday.  Big changes, little changes, catastrophic changes and most of them we are not in control of.

Today, I went to buy a pair of jeans.  It was a simple act and I usually buy the same pair of jeans - same brand, same style, same size.  And, the best part is that for years I could go to the store and just pull my size off the shelf and NOT try them on.  These jeans made me feel sexy - something that is hard to come by these days.  For some strange reason, I went to the store and TRIED the jeans on.  It's like I just knew that there would be an issue.

Turns out that they were more snug in the hips and thighs and when I said something to the salesperson, she smiled and said that I was only the 100th person to say that about the jeans.  Apparently, the manufacturer changed the fit and nobody really liked the change which explained why they were on sale at half off.  I then went to Nordstroms and tried on every non-mom jean brand they had and the fact that I don't have the same body I had before I had children was reiterated.  And, that made me sad.

On my way home from Nordstroms, I spoke to my friend - D - and told her the jeans story.  Before I knew it, I was in tears.  I quickly realized that I wasn't crying because my favorite jeans didn't fit me or that the manufacturer made a change but because there are changes going on in my life that leave me with a terrible feeling of uncertainty.  And, there are things that I'm seeing clearly for the first time that others have tried to tell me and these aren't necessarily things that I want to admit.  While I realize that much about life is always uncertain I am feeling like MOST if not all of my life at this moment is uncertain. 

We All Compromise

I remember my 20's very clearly and I remember thinking that any decision I made could be fixed in an instant.  Here I am almost 2 decades later and I realize how much those decisions may have compromised the things that are really important to me today.  There are parts of my life that I am so thankful for and there are other parts of my life - the ones I compromised on - that leave me feeling very empty.  This weekend has been a bear and has been, hands down, the WORST weekend of my life (so far).  Mistakes were made; actions were taken; my eyes were flung WIDE open; and decisions were made final. 

I remember talking to my friend, D, today and she told me to quit worrying about what would happen a year from now and that I should concentrate on the now.  My response was: "The only thing that I worry about a year from now is that I'm in the same place."  She told me that would be impossible and I hope that she's right.

A-Freakin-Noyed

I have no idea why I'm so annoyed.  It could be because I'm tired or because my brain is fried or because I feel so ridiculously fat.  It could be because I'm cleaning out e-mail and reading old stuff I really should not be reading.  It could very well be because I'm falling into a slump where I'm living my life backwards.

Okay, maybe I'm not living my life backwards, but I've spent the past hour looking back and what I'm seeing is not making me happy.  Why is it that some of us choose to relive the not-so-great moments in our lives?  Really?!?!  REALLY!?!?  Especially when there are so many good things to look forward to.

All I know is that I end up angry and annoyed.  Sometimes it just makes sense to stop when you start down that path and find something else to occupy your mind.  Unfortunately, I end up in the not-so-happy place before I realize that I should just STOP!

Little Annoyances

I'm on a roll with the complaining and the whining and so why should I stop?  Last night I was moping around the house because the boys went to see David's parents and hang out at the petting zoo.  You may wonder why I wasn't there and I will have to remind you all that I have terrible allergies and am fighting bronchitis.  A visit to the petting zoo would have me curled into a fetal position on the car ride home sneezing and wheezing for dear life.  Yeah, no petting zoo for me.

So moping around the house . . .   I was sitting at my laptop checking my e-mail wondering, "WHY doesn't anyone e-mail me?  WHY doesn't anyone love me?  WHY and I being so mopey?"  And, then my head started to itch - I mean really itch.  Seriously, it itched for a good 10 minutes and then *BOOM* stopped being itchy.  I know that it is said that when your ears itch, it means someone is talking about you.  But, honestly, I have no idea what it means when your head itches.