Chicago Chick

It Didn't Seem That Long Ago

Once upon a time, I lived in the city (Chicago) and actually lived a life that I now really, REALLY miss.  I miss my newly-constructed home in a very hip neighborhood - one that I probably could not afford to move back into - and I was a parent of 2 boys under the age of 2.  Back in those days, I contributed to Chicago Metblogs.  I actually wrote for other reasons other than for a personal journal.

I stumbled across the articles I wrote and one of them stood out to me.  Probably because I wrote it nearly 5 years ago and in those 5 years my life has changed dramatically.  I won't go into details on how it's changed, but suffice it to say that it has.  So much so that I would hardly recognize myself if the me from the past met the me today.  I can't help but think that 5 years wasn't that long ago, yet things are so VERY different.

The article that I wrote was:

EVERYONE HAS A PAST

Have you ever done something in your life that “seemed like a good idea at the time” and maybe now you’d be a little embarrassed if your co-workers found out about it? I think that even the most “squeaky-clean” (like that person exists) of us has something hiding in the closet.

Last night I put my son to bed and ususally I turn on the TV so he can watch some Sprout TV on PBS. It took me a minute to remember that PBS had fired the “Good Night Show” host Melanie Martinez because of an independent short she did which spoofed some public service announcements on safe sex. The notice was posted on the Sprout website.

So, out of curiosity I watched one of the PSA shorts and it was funny. Okay, not TODDLER funny, but funny. Come on PBS! It’s not like Melanie was going to start talking about sex on the “Good Night Show” and how would a toddler even be exposed to (or understand) the PSA spoofs she did.

The list of children’s television is full of characters with a “past” – Mr. Hooper from Sesame Street (accused of being a Nazi sympathizer); PeeWee Herman (no explanation needed); George Carlin host of Thomas the Tank Engine (arrested for violating obscenity laws); and Alec Baldwin host of Thomas the Tank Engine (accused of spousal abuse and assault). In a world where there are no more metal Tonka trucks, everything is padded, and children are so over-protected it is a wonder anyone grows up to survive past the age of 10.

Putting the World on Pause . . . Maybe

I took tomorrow off from work.  And, while I am not crazy about taking a day off as a "mental day," I did it anyway.  I did it because I really NEED a "mental day."  I need some time to organize my schedule, clean my bedroom, and just try to decompress.  The issue is that I still have work stuff to do and that will probably interrupt my "mental day." 

When I was a little girl, I believe it was my father who used to joke, "stop the world, I wanna get off."  I never really understood what he meant until I had a full time job, had children, had greater responsibilities as the years went by.  It's not that I want to get off mind you; I just want to hit the pause button and try to get my bearings.  I'm hopeful that I can do this tomorrow because the boys will be at school and I can go sit somewhere - the library perhaps - and try to organize or at least sort out (sorta) my short term goals or the next few months.

While this year is a little better than it was last year, I am finding that there is still a lot of things that I am neglecting such as my health (same as last year) and planning for what the boys will be doing this summer (some things never change).  I realize that this little tirade may actually seem similar to past tirades and I can honestly say that I'm not surprised.  What is important, but gets neglected does not just go away.  Instead, it can get worse.

So tomorrow . . . tomorrow I am begrudgingly taking the day off and I only have 5 things to do:

1. Go to a spinning class
2. Plan my work out schedule and the boys summer schedule
3. Set up some short term goals (personal and work - they're interrelated)
4. Draft an funding request for an infrastructure project (work)
5. Draft the financials for the monthly IT playbook (more work)

There is a 6th item - really, it should be #2 and it relates to actually getting up, getting dressed, and leaving the house.  I'm notorious for setting goals such as those listed above and then not getting out of the house.  Sad, really REALLY sad.

My Boy is Just Like Me

Sometimes you need someone to validate what you see (or the fact that you DON'T see what others keep telling you is truly there).  We received some news recently that validated what I was saying (and thinking) to others around me.  It's been a very long, bumpy, and, at times, maddening journey but after 4 years of this crazy I feel as though I can exhale.  Well, at least for now. 

Today, we a doctor said that my oldest son is not autistic.  He has anxiety.  He is a reflection of me.  I have anxiety.  It does not get in the way of living a productive life but it makes life a bit difficult sometimes.  So, what does this mean?  What is it that needs to be done?  Nothing other than helping him develop coping skills. 

Once I had a preschool teacher - one that I love and respect and that was truly a godsend for my son - tell me, "maybe if you relax, he will too."  Today I thought of that preschool teacher and smiled.

Things You Don't Want To Know

Today I was talking to someone at work who is "in the know" and I quickly realized that this person was telling me stuff that I really should not know and did not want to know.  Things about how someone reacted to being told that they were being let go and how a certain someone's wife (yep Amy that guy) called to yell at someone in HR about her husband being let go.  The conversation quickly became uncomfortable and I politely tried to change the subject, but to no avail.  I finally made an excuse and got the H-E-double hockey sticks out of there.  On the way back to my office I realized a few things. 

First, I should NEVER, EVER, EVER tell the person I was talking to anything.  Well, maybe if I want some news to travel quickly I will tell them. 

Second, even though I may have personal NEGATIVE feelings about someone, I am able to feel sympathy for that person's circumstances.  On the one hand, I should be cold since this person was WAY shitty towards me.  But, on the other hand, I realize that I have not lost the ability to empathize with another person.  The past year or so has put me in situations that are uncomfortable and I truly thought that I had become cold and unfeeling, but it turns out that I haven't.  I am still able to have empathy for this particular person even though this person does not and never will have the ability to empathize with anyone.

At least I will sleep well knowing that I have not completely become the jaded person I thought I was.

US Bank Sucks

This post is totally my personal opinion based on my personal experience with US Bank.  It does not represent anyone else's opinion except my own.  That being said, I am now free to express MY OPINION about how US Bank totally sucks as a mortgage holder.

For years our mortgage company was GMAC Mortgage.  I loved, LOVED, LOVED GMAC.  I loved that I could get all my information on line; I loved that when I called customer service they were actually pleasant; I loved that when I had questions about my property taxes or my escrow they answered them; and I especially loved that they ALWAYS paid my property taxes and insurance on time.  I never had to worry or even give it an second thought.

The boys' father decided to refinance our mortgage and what followed was 3 months of agony.  He did all the "homework" and I did all the paperwork.  It is the LAST time that I will ever let him do that (normally I take care of that stuff - yes, that stuff too!).  The mortgage was sold to US Bank and then to Fannie Mae with US Bank "managing" (I use that term loosely) the mortgage.  

Although we closed in late September, they were not able to generate any kind of statement for my November 1st payment when I called them in late October.  Seriously?  Then, the person I spoke to at US Bank (the SUCKIEST mortgage company EVER!) said that they would do me a favor and postpone the first payment until December 1st.  She then confirmed that I would need to make a double payment in December.  Huh?  How is that a "favor" and who does that - I just wanted to make my first mortgage payment under the new mortgage when I was supposed to on November 1st.  Why the shenanigans?  Didn't banks get in trouble for offering similar shady services?

Why? Because they're US Bank (the SUCKIEST mortgage company EVER!).  I finally got a statement in early December for a payment due on December 1st.  Besides that fiasco, US BANK (the SUCKIEST mortgage company EVER!) has (1) managed not to pay our 2nd installment which was due in December 2010 and (2) have not been able to answer my questions about why it hasn't been paid even though I faxed a copy of the tax bill the moment I got it; called to confirm that they received the copy of the tax bill; called to find out why they haven't paid the tax bill; and then today, called to get a status on the unpaid tax bill. 

When I got off the phone a few moments ago, I realized that I would have to call back again later this week.  I would have to talk to someone at US Bank (the SUCKIEST mortgage company EVER!) to make sure that a payment was made for my delinquent taxes in which I was NOT the cause of why they were delinquent!

I Need a Compass 'Cuz I am LOST

I'm LOST.  I know that when you're lost you're supposed to stop and reassess where you are.  You're supposed to take stock of what you have.  So, if I were lost in the woods, I would just stop walking or wandering and reassess.  I'm supposed to try to figure out where I am in relation to other things - the northern star, any land marks, etc.  Then, I need to figure out if I have enough resources (e.g., do I have enough water?  Do I have a map?  What resources do I have that I will need or that I can use?).  From there, I'm supposed to map out an alternate route to get me back on track - or decide that where I'm going isn't worth it and cut bait and go home. 

I know that those concepts work while you're driving or if you're lost in the woods; and, I think that to some extent they work with life.  But, right now I feel as though I am coming upon a crossroad with my career.  I suppose that's better than comming to a crossroad in my life - that was last year.  There is always uncertainty, but for some reason I feel so much uncertainty at work.  Maybe it's the lay-offs that happened or maybe it's because there is 6 to 7% unemployment in our country or maybe it's because I look at my paycheck as a way to support my family.  Whatever the case, the way that I deal with uncertainty is to take control - update my resume, look for a new job, etc.  I'm not ready to do that right now. 

I'm left wondering how I'm supposed to deal with the uncertainty given that I'm not ready to take the same actions that I normally would.  In an article that I recently read, there were a list of 6 items to do when you're "lost" and I found them helpful.  Actually, the entire blog - The Art of Great Things - is good.  It's funny that when you're searching, sometimes you actually find not what you're looking for but something much more helpful.

Scattered

I am very driven, but at times I am scattered.  Scattered in that I have a lot of goals that don't necessarily mesh well or are even remotely related to each other.  My issue is that I have no idea how to do this.  Maybe a little quiet would help.

So Cliche

I was at a work conference for the day yesterday and being out of the office for the day always leaves me feeling disconnected.  I decided to take a vacation day today to regroup and prioritize things for me at work and at home.  The boys have a day off so hanging out with them is high on the list of things to do.

But, as I block my work calendar for doctor appointments and teacher conferences, I realize that it's the end of February!  Really?!?!  Spring is in the air already?  But, I haven't lost the holiday weight and I haven't been to the gym as regularly as I'd like and I have NO idea if my lighter weight jeans still fit.  It is SO cliche to say "I can't believe that the year has gone by so quickly" but it's TRUE - so true!

In a recent episode of Being Erica, where the main character is able to relive regrets, the show was about living life to its fullest.  When I watched it, I understood the message.  But, this morning as I map out the next few weeks of my life - and realize that I probably cannot fit into my lighter weight jeans because I haven't lived my life as I'd wanted - I can't help but feel that time is just slipping away. 

Frenemies and Closure

Work is starting to grind on me and the last round of lay-offs (because we seem to do them every year) bothered me this time.  It's funny because after 9 years in consulting where lay-offs were common every quarter, I thought I'd become desensitized.  I hadn't become cold, but I was able to accept them as a part of my work environment.  And, it didn't matter which consulting company I worked for - big or small, we ALWAYS had lay-offs.

So, why was this last round bothering me?  It may be because I had to let someone go.  I had to tell them that their job was being eliminated and their skills no longer fit the department "long range plan" and they could not be moved to another job within the department or company.  It may be because 2 of the people were people that were relatively new when I started with the company as a consultant.  It could also be because one of the ones that was let go was a source of professional frustration for me.

I think the reason that I am having such a hard time with this round of lay-offs is because of the person who was a source of professional frustration for me.  He was also a source of personal frustration for me too.  I have heard that if you have one regret in life, then you are lucky because most people have plenty of regrets.  This person was a part of my single regret in life (see, I am lucky).  Once, we were friends - or so I thought.  It turns out that we weren't and probably never were.  But, with this person leaving I will never get to say the things that I wanted to say and it has to be okay.  At least with this person gone, I will be able to move past the one regret I have.

I have been lucky to surround myself with pretty good people, but every once in a while I have misjudged people.  Closure for me comes only after I am able to cut those that I have misjudged out of my life.  This happened in my late 20s with a "frenemy" from college - Joannie - and last year when I let someone from work go - M - and I'm hoping that I will find closure with the person who got laid off - MMc.  So, MMc I hope that you don't make the same mistakes again and if you do, may you not become a liability to whatever company you do end up working for.  As for me, I will not and have not made the same mistake and I look forward to the weeks to come.  May they bring the closure that has elluded me for the past 2 years.

Bleary-Eyed

Although this past week was rough at work (lay-offs and whatnot), I STILL have things that I need to complete.  I am now responsible (again) for pulling together forecasts for projects.  I am also doing it with one less person since the person who used to report to me now reports to Accounting and has a new boss.  Then there is the work that needs to get done that the person that I had to lay-off on Wednesday used to do.

The forecasts are due next week and I have spent probably a good week on them.  I got up this morning at 1:45 am since I couldn't sleep.  The due date and the items that I need to complete for this forecast kept popping into my head.  So, after almost 4 hours of working on them - and making good progress I may add - I am so bleary eyed that I can't seem to keep my eyes open.  I am sure that I made mistakes, but at least I am better off than I was a few hours ago.

I'm off to get some sleep and then get up to go to church.  It's Catholic Schools week and my son is participating in some of the festivities.  I am sure that there is a better way of accomplishing all that is on my plate.  I just don't know what it is.

To Eat or Not to Eat

It's the new year and I have not made any resolutions.  Why?  Because I'm lazy I guess.  Or, because I am so wrapped up in trying to get over the lingering remnants of whatever illness I am trying to overcome.  Either way, my mind seems to be preoccupied with health - my health - and getting better.  I realize that most of my inability to get better has a lot to do with my inability to sleep or get a descent night's sleep.  It also has a lot to do with my diet and the fact that I don't exercise.  Hmmmm. . . I wonder if those should be this year's resolutions.

Anyway, in the quest to feel better I've been reading a lot of articles on what I should/should not eat and I swear the list is mind boggling.  For better sleep, I should eat eggs or cherries or almonds according to this article.  If I want to clear my body of the toxins I need to poop regularly.  I've been getting regular rounds of acupuncture and drinking a lot of this stuff.  It has been helping and I'm a lot less puffy around the middle.  Plus, I'm finding that I have more energy which I need because I'm going to the bathroom A LOT.

Then there's the list of "super foods" I need to eat like broccoli and salmon and other things listed in this article.  Add to that the 5 servings of vegetables I need to eat and the busy day that I have at work and the 2 little kids that are near and dear to my heart. . .   It's a wonder that I have time to eat (or that anyone for that matter has time). 

Anxiety in the Pit of My Stomach

When I was a kid, I loved, loved, LOVED school.  I was one of those kooky kids that didn't like summer or winter breaks.  The breaks meant no classes and no socializing with classmates.  I really liked everything about school - the learning, my teachers, my classmates, even recess.  I cannot remember a day that I was in school where I woke up dreading the day.  I clearly did not understand those kids that did not look forward to school.

I can empathize with those kids today because I'm having a bout of anxiety about returning to work.  After being out with that bronchitis/cold/flu thing that I had and then taking vacation days, I have not been to work in about 2 solid weeks.  And, when I was on vacation last week I did NOT answer emails; I did NOT do any work - I actually relaxed or at least tried to relax.  Funny, I was actually partially successful in relaxing.

So, now it's the last day of the holiday break and I am dreading going back to work.  It's not that I hate my job.  I actually really love my job (it just stresses me out), but I'm worried that I have so much to do that I will never - NEVER - catch up.  Or, that someone expects something to be done and I won't get it done on time.  I am so anxious, that I will probably have that recurring dream that I used to have.  The one where I'm either in college or high school and I am going to take the final when I haven't been in class all semester.  It's been years since I've had that dream.

When in this type of situation I always ask myself, "What's the worst that can happen?"  And, this is my worst case scenario:

- I go to work and have so much crap that I need to get done
- I can't get it done even though I've worked a 60 hour work week
- I miss a deadline
- I disappoint whoever it is that is expecting whatever it is from me
- I get a bad review which means no raise or bonus
- It gets so bad that I end up getting fired and don't get a severance package
- I can't find a job because the economy is so bad
- Unemployment won't cover our mortgage, tuition for the kids, or feed us
- Our house is repossessed, we're homeless, nobody will help
- We end up living in a cardboard box

Yes, I realize that it is a crazy scenario but it's not like those things haven't happened to people who were as "talented and driven" as I am in the past couple of years.  It's scary and now just thinking about it  I am even more anxious.  God, I need a paper bag to breathe into!

Learning a Little Something About Myself

This year is nearly finished and I spent a few days The Heartland Spa to try to get a little perspective, clear my head, and get ready for a busy upcoming year.  The last time I was here was in August which I wrote about in this entry.  And, while the place is pretty much the same (the staff is really nice, the food is pretty good, and the other guests are so great to talk to), the experience is different for me this time around.

When I first got here, I was disappointed because I think I was expecting the same experience and the same reaction.  I quickly realized that I am not in the same state that I was back then and that the experience would be different.  This time around was more of a learning experience for me more than a "I'm-so-stressed-out-that-I'm-going-to-come-unglued-help-me-please" experience which is a good thing. 

This time, I am here by myself.  The first night I was here I was not digging being by myself; I don't sleep well in a room by myself.  I have an over-active imagination and I kept hearing the wind and the building creaking and of course my mind just went haywire.  What made me settle down was the fact that I could hear the couple snoring in the room next to mine.  It made me realize that people are closer than I think which could be a good thing and a not so good thing.

The last time I was here, there were a group of women who talked about aches, pains, surgeries and "women issues."  This time around, I talked to people who talked about teaching and life skills and parenting.  I've learned that there are things that I actually do well as a parent and things that I could do better.  And, I was actually able to give a thoughtful and honest answer to a 20-something who was thinking about going into the Accounting profession. 

So, what's the same besides the staff, food, etc.?  The one constant is that this place allows me to calm my mind and my anxiety is kept at bay.  I don't have to be anywhere I don't want to be and I can decide to go to a class or not.  I am able to talk to other people from different walks of life with different experiences and this time - like the other time - I have learned so much.  I leave the spa with a sense of calm that I get when going on a photo shoot by myself only the calm lasts for months. 

I honestly never would have thought that I could get a little serenity in the middle of a cornfield.

Lessons from Facebook

I've been an early adopter of Facebook but really had not used it until about a year ago.  A year ago, my personal life seemed like a black hole where no light seemed to enter, except my boys.  A year has gone by and although I think that I'm no better off, it turns out that I am.  I may be in the same situation, but this past year I have learned and grown a great deal.  I have a sense of peace that I did not have a year ago.  Okay, so it's not complete peace but it's more than I had a year ago.

So Facebook. . . my list of "friends" has exploded.  And, although the people on my list may be made up of people I did not know in high school, but attended high school with me, I have been able to reach out (and be reached out to) to some of these classmates I never really knew.  In some way I have been comforted by strangers and that has been a gift.  But, the thing that is most striking to me is that the people I thought I knew in high school are so different as real people.

There are the few that really ARE like I thought they were in high school - the beauty queen who is still beautiful and not surprisingly has the uber fake boobs and inflated lips.  But, overall, people are just that  - people.  In the 20 plus years that I have been out of high school, my classmates have married, had children, moved to other states and cities, divorced, died, bought houses, lost fortunes, and have built a life more interesting than one would have thought back in the late 80s when we graduated from high school.  In a nutshell, I am no different than one of my classmates (not surprising).

I never attended a high school reunion because my memories from that time in my life were not ones that I really cared to relive.  I never thought I had that much in common with the people I went to school with because I was part of the background.  I was quiet and invisible, or so I thought.  I think that I would like to attend the next high school reunion.  This is something that I would never have said a year ago.

The big lesson for me is that I am NOT the same person I was a year ago.  The fact that my situation is the same as December 2009 does not take away from the fact that I AM better today than I was a year ago.

Recovery is an Uphill Battle

It's been over 2 weeks since I've started really BEING sick.  By this I mean, that for a while I wasn't feeling well - tired and feeling like I've got a cold.  But, a little over 2 weeks ago I actually ADMITTED that I was sick.  I'm really tired of feeling this way - achy head, raspy cough and all the rest that goes with the raspy cough that I'm not going to discuss because it's disgusting.  I have asthma and recovering from bronchitis has never been easy.  But, this time around it feels downright impossible.

I've coughed and wheezed so much that I've given myself a massive headache.  I would give anything to be able to run up and down our stairs without wheezing for breath.  Maybe I'm just getting older or maybe I'm just impatient, but getting over this bought of illness is a terrible uphill battle.  I just don't have TIME (or the patience) to be sick anymore.

Wise Words to Remember

As I was writing yesterday's post, I was given the opportunity to re-read old journal entries.  One of the entries I referred to was this one.  For some reason it really stuck with me. 

"The world is like a sandbox and there are people who are in that sandbox who are assholes and will always be assholes.  And there are people who are in that sandbox who are supposed to control the assholes, but choose not to because they fear the assholes.  At the end of the day, you want to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say that I did the best that I could dealing with the assholes and I myself did not turn into an asshole."

Jeez, D, I couldn't have said it better myself.

A Change Would Do Me Good

I love fall; it is my favorite time of the year and I say that every year.  It probably appears a zillion times in my on line posts, but it's true.  I love the cool, crisp air and the crunch of the leaves that fall on the ground.  I love the "back to school" season and Halloween and the fact that it's "sweater, boot, and lipstick weather."  This fall, I'm starting to feel a little down though.  I think it's time for the next big adventure for me.

One of my character traits is that I love to keep learning and every few years I need a "kick in the pants."  By this I mean that I need to do something that makes me feel alive.  When in college, it was bungee jumping which was followed by 4 years of traveling the world for work.  A little after college, it was a skydiving adventure which was followed by a lot of art classes (pottery classes, stained glass classes, and photography).  In my late 20's it was the Minneapolis > Wisconsin > Chicago AIDS ride (500 miles over 6 days) followed by a change in careers from Finance to IT consulting and then going to get an advanced degree and paying for it myself.

With each adventure comes great growth.  It's the process of preparing/planning for the adventure, living the adventure, and rush that comes after that makes me feel so alive.  It's a feeling that is like no other.  During that rush I feel as if I can accomplish anything.  I have been very fortunate to still be employed and at a company that allows me some flexibility.  I am fortunate to have 2 sons that are healthy and are going to a good school.  But, now I am looking for my next great adventure - that something that will push me to the next level, whatever that may be.

But, on the flip side of great growth is the uncertainty and pain (heartache, frustration, etc.) that comes the great growth.  Sometimes it seems as though the search for the next great adventure or the process of it brings the uncertainty.  I've wondered if what I was searching for or what I was trying to accomplish was even possible.  So far I have been fortunate to find that at each turn - no matter how painful - has been worth it.  The growth and the lessons that I've learned have been far more rewarding that I ever imagined.

So, I'm on the hunt again.  My next great adventure is looming out there somewhere; I can feel it.

Regaining Control - What Little I Actually Have

A wise friend once told me, "You have no control over anything, really.  The only control you have is over the way that YOU REACT to the things that happen."  She is absolutely correct and I have been trying to control the way that I react to things.  In an attempt to regain control over this tiny part of my life, I have decided that I need to take a vacation.  One that does not include my sons but includes time spent on a farm for a period of 2 days.  I am hoping that I will have the ability to sit still, not think about work, and learn to meditate (or something like that).

Fried

When I was in school and had summers off, the term "fried" meant things like sunburned or your hair was totally dried out.  Today, the term "fried" means my state of mind.  I am most definitely fried.  It seems as though my life consists of me going to work, going from meeting to meeting, rushing to meet a deadline, coming home (and playing helping put the boys to bed), and getting into bed only to get up the next morning and do it all over again.  This summer has seemed like an endless stream of days lived in this manner.

I was looking at my calendar (at work of course) and realized that this week is the end of July.  Seriously?!? when did it get to be practically August?  Then this evening I left before 7:00 pm and opened a letter from my oldest son's school.  School starts at the end of August and we have a meeting with his kindergarten teacher in a few weeks.  Maybe I'll be less fried by September.

Fears

Fears, no matter how irrational, are so powerful.  They can cause people to take action or to curl up in a ball.  With the changes that are happening in my life I have plenty of fears.  I think I've always had plenty of fears, but I've used them to motivate me.   I am finding that I have to come to grips with my fears - especially the fear of being alone - and try to deal with them.

I can understand why the fear of being alone has come front and center in my life and in the past it's always been in the background.  But now it's like this ginormous gorilla just staring me in the face demanding that I deal with it.  My way of dealing with it is to cry and feel my heart hurt.  After all, this change is heart wrenching for me.  As much as this decision is mine, it is gut wrenching to think how this decision will impact them.

Someone asked me once why, if I was concerned about the negative impacts of my decision on my sons, I didn't change my mind.  I can't explain it but can only describe it as the feeling of having someone put a pillow over your head.  It's this "gasping for air" feeling.  At first you can still kind of breathe but after a few minutes it gets harder and harder.  I've been feeling that way for such a long time and the past few years have been unbearable.  I have a wonderful support system and the fear of "screwing up" my sons is at least kept at bay.  I love my boys with every fiber of being I have and will do anything to make sure that thy are okay.  They definitely come first.

But, the ginormous gorilla?  I'm not so sure about that fear.  I think that it's a fear that I have always had and likely has something to do with my past.  It's a deep seeded fear and to some extent it IS irrational.  I once tearily told someone, "I'm going to be alone FOREVER!" and the other person looked at me and said, "What do you mean?  You have your boys."