Chicago Chick

Breathe In and Out

I am uber stressed.  Or, at least, I am winding down from being so stressed out.  Last week I was trying to just keep my head above water and the week before that I logged 60 hours at work on top of being a mom and throwing a birthday party.  I had forgotten how my mind and body copes with stress brought on by hours spent at work.  This weekend, I have completely shut down.  Something that no parent has the luxury of doing.  I am hoping that I bounce back because being a wet noodle is really getting on my nerves!

Craziness Followed by Sore Throat and Sniffles

This week has been a whirlwind.  It's my last day working for the consulting company that I have grown to detest.  On Monday, I completed an exit interview survey which consisted of 10 pages of questions that I had to write the answers to MANUALLY.  I was happy to answer the questions honestly even though I don't think that the partners who read the survey will really care what I said.  I ended up typing up an additional 3 page and copying and pasting some e-mails as examples of what I was talking about.

In the end, the exit interview package was pretty water-tight in that I expressed myself clearly and sited examples.  If blogging has taught me anything it's how to be clear about what you're saying.  The HR Manager and I went over the behemoth document over lunch yesterday and it took 2 hours.  Actually, half of the time was spent talking and laughing because the HR Manager and I are friends.  Imagine that!

I also spent time cleaning off my company-assigned laptop and it took the better part of a couple of hours.  I hardly used it but since I'm pretty organized I usually clean off my laptop well in advance.  This time it was different and I can only guess that maybe I'm getting a little soft in my "old age."  It took 4 CDs and TWO 1GB thumb drives to get my stuff off.  I didn't bother looking at the stuff before I moved them so I am sure that I don't need most of that crap.  Still, you never know.

The rest of this week I will spend tying up loose ends and cleaning out my new office.  But, today I woke up with a sore throat and the sniffles and am crossing my fingers that I'm not getting sick.  Somehow it wouldn't surprise me if I was getting sick; what with all the drama and hoopla that has occurred in the past couple of months.  I haven't felt the "freeing" feeling I half expected to feel when I turned in my lap top and signed all the papers that made me no longer an employee of the consulting company.  But, then again I do have 2 days to go!

What's in a Number?

I have been working very hard at trying to eat right and lose weight and in the past month I have been fairly successful.  When I started working on this roughly 6 weeks ago, I decided that I would take the time and spend the money to see exactly where my starting point was.  This meant taking a test that would tell me what my resting heart rate was as well as what my heart rate zones were.  I was also weighed and my fat percentage was calculated using the skin caliper (think back to high school when you were pinched in a couple of places and your body fat was calculated).

So, 6 weeks ago I had a pretty good idea where I was as far as fitness went and it wasn't great - it wasn't bad, but it wasn't great.  This week I did a weigh in and another body composition test and although I still have a long way to go, my weight and my body fat percentage was down.  A 5% reduction in body fat and the weightloss was nothing to sneeze at and I would consider it a good start.  Actually, at the time I was damn proud of myself.

I still am proud of myself but I don't want to rest until I'm actually where I need to be - I say need because where I need to be and where I would like to be are 2 separate things.  When you're someone who has a history of eating disorders where you want to be is always less than where you should be.  I'm getting there slowly, and I'm hoping surely.

Getting a Grip

In the past couple of months I have been trying very hard to get healthier by eating right and exercising.  To some extent I have been successful, but not as successful as I'd like to be  I'm not sure what it is that is holding me back; it seems as though I lose some weight and then I sabotage myself by eating everything and anything that I shouldn't be eating.  It almost seems as thought I don't think I deserve to be healthy and happy.

I'd love to say that I fall off the "fitness wagon" because I'm too busy, but we're all busy - even those of us who may not have children are busy.  I know that it has to do with time management and stress management.  But like stress eating, sometimes you've fallen off the wagon and it's a few hours before you even realize what you've done.

I realize that I didn't get to the size that I am now overnight and therefore the weight won't fall off overnight.  But, when you put effort into something - losing weight - you want the results to be dramatic and sometimes it takes more than just a couple of months to really see results. Maybe a schedule would help or making it part of my daily routine (like brushing my teeth) would help.  If anyone comes across the weightloss magic wand that melts weight in minutes, please let me know.  I will be hanging out by the nearby Krispy Kreme.

Getting Back on the Treadmill is NOT So Easy

I've been really good with making it to the gym since I've joined a group of women who meet to walk on treadmills 3 times a week.  And, I've met with a nutritionist who told me to (big surprise) write down what I eat and to eat small meals every 3 to 4 hours a day.

So far I have lost bubkus, zero, zilch, nada - but I didn't expect to lose any weight.  Instead, I was hoping that the past 2 weeks (now starting the official 2 weeks) would bring more discipline to my schedule.  And, it has.

David has been wonderful about hanging out with the boys until I get back from the gym and he has been supportive about my 5:00 am personal training session once a week.  I am starting to feel a little pressure in that if I don't lose any weight, it will be all for nothing.  I'd say that in itself is pretty good motivation to keep going.

This past weekend I ran into one of my former co-workers and friend, Mama Eye, and after 15 years and a baby she still looks terrific.  Seriously, Mama Eye - you do.  And, she was nice enough to tell me that I just looked a little pudgy which is ridiculous because in the past 15 years, I have become F-A-T.  It is my own doing - I haven't taken care of myself and I haven't eaten right and as a parent I need to be better at that because kids learn from watching and not necessarily from nagging.  But, my Mama Eye, she's so sweet that she didn't point this out - thank you for that.

Getting back on the treadmill has not been so easy for me and even though the scales don't show a dramatic weight loss, I realize that this will take time.  In the end, getting back on the treadmill isn't about losing weight anymore, but it is about making a change in the way that I live the rest of my life.

Victim of a Drive THRU

The past 2 weeks, I've been trying to exercise and eat better on a regular basis and I've been doing okay.  I don't think I've lost any weight and I'm feeling pretty tired, but I know that it takes awhile before all the good stuff kicks in.  This past weekend, David took our 3 year old to his toddler swim class and they ended up staying for the free swim afterward.

When David got home, he said that he felt completely out of shape and looking around the pool where all the "pretty people" seem to hang out on the weekends.  "I'm tired of feeling like the victim of a drive thru," was the next thing he said to me which caused me to nearly choke on my drink.

In Chicago - like any big city - there is violence in some areas and there are gangs and drive BY shootings.  Just for the record, I've never lived in those areas (luckily) and not all of the city of Chicago is like that.  Little idyllic towns and suburbs have violence and the occasional "drive by".  Still, what David said wasn't lost on me.  I didn't get in the state that I am in because of one chocolate bar or a couple of trips through the nearest drive thru.

However, I don't feel like a victim because I chose to go through the drive thru (BTW - it should be THROUGH) and I chose to stuff myself with crap and not exercise.  I realize that the state that I am in is because of choices I made over the years and I also realize that I'm not going to get healthy overnight.  So, back to the gym for me.

Heart Tests

This morning, I went to the gym to get a test that will tell me what my heart rate ranges are.  After taking the test - at 5:00 am and after getting little to no sleep - I got my results.  when you plug the numbers into the standard calculation, it turns out that the heart rate zones I burn fat at is equivalent to someone who is 55 years old.  Yeah.  Right.

I read and reread what the results where and I just couldn't believe it.  So, to test the results, I wore my heart rate monitor all day today and it turns out that if those numbers are right then I should be a twig because I function at what is called zone 2.  Zone 2 is where I, according to the results, burn the most fat calories per minute.  People, I LIVE my life in Zone 2 - or at least I do according to my heart rate monitor.

Am I saying that taking a gym-administered heart rate/health test is a lot of hooey and shouldn't be listened to?  No, I'm not saying that.  On the contrary, I think that taking the test is valuable but I think that you need to treat it as you would any other test administered by a gym or even by your doctor.  If you don't understand what your test results mean, then you need to ASK.  And, if you don't think that your results are correct then you should get a second opinion.

In this case, the second opinion was using my heart rate monitor to test the results.  It turns out that because I have asthma and didn't take my inhaler, my results probably weren't correct.   I am sure that when I retest, the results will be different.  Not necessarily better, but different.

Somewhere, Someone Has Peace - Please Share it With Me!

Yesterday I took some dramatic action in order to take control of at least one part of my life.  I decided to sign up at the gym to join a weight-loss program.  It was expensive and will cut into my "Irene Clothing Fund".  The way I see it, if I keep letting myself go I will have to spend every cent of my clothing fund just to buy clothes large enough to keep my fat a$$ covered up.

I felt great signing up for the program and even as I type this I'm excited to start, but you wouldn't have guessed that when I got home from the gym yesterday.  David and I made dinner and then I went on a bitching rant like no other.  There were dirty dishes everywhere and the kitchen island that I had done an excellent job of cleaning a few days ago was covered in crap.  It was crap that David piled on the island while he was "cleaning" the other rooms in the house.

I love my family very VERY much and I've lived with my husband for 13 years.  My husband has ALWAYS been one of those guys who piles things on any clean surface that he sees and calls this "cleaning".  I call it piling crap on a clean surface - the exact opposite of cleaning.  So, I pretty much threw a tantrum; things were flying off that kitchen island into the garbage can and I was yelling at the hubster.  I think I said, "I cannot believe that I've put up with this crap for 17 years!"

I fully believe that this crazy behavior is due partly to the fact that it's that time, but mostly because I really haven't taken care of myself and I'm feeling crappy.  As a result, I've got the equivalent of a carrot up my butt and I'm taking it out on everyone else.  I find it reassuring that somebody, somewhere has found peace of mind and I'm sure that sometime, someday it will be my turn.

Scattered

I'm so scattered - scattered in the fact I can see the zillion of little things (and big things) that I need to accomplish and I have no idea where to start.  People who know me think that I am organized and to some extent I am, but I'm an overachiever and unless I feel like I've truly got a handle on things I feel very scattered.  When I feel this way, the best way I can ground myself is to make "To Do" lists.  Mama Eye, who I worked with for years, knows how I get unless I have one of my "To Do" lists.

So today the first thing on my "To Do" list is to make a proper "To Do" list.  Funny, huh?  No, seriously having that "To Do" list gives me a plan to start from.  I think that it's funny that the awful project manager at the client where I last worked said that I didn't have any project management skills.  First of all, I have managed projects for clients but second of all, I am one of those crazy people that needs a project plan ("To Do" list) to function.

Maybe I feel a little off because we're living out of boxes again.  The happy thing is that it will probably take us less than 6 months - the amount of time we lived in the Temp House - to settle in and we won't have to pack up and move again (hopefully).  Life is good and even though I feel scattered into a zillion little pieces, I should remember that.

Could Luck Be Smiling On Me?

Today I was able to plug in our wireless router and * POOF * I had Internet service.  Yesterday the Direct TV guy came and the boys were able to watch 15 minutes of a PBS Kids show.  Unfortunately, I didn't get a good night's sleep last night because I was able to sit on the couch and watch TV.  I'm thinking that my reasons for not sleeping well are due to the fact that I cannot shut my mind off.  Then I decided to watch TV to try to go to sleep and end up watching something interesting.  The result is that I'm awake until 3:00 am - not good.

Still, the events of the past week have been scary - scary in a good sense.  I say scary because things are looking better everyday.  Remember the post about moving that I wrote this past September?  Picture the exact opposite of that move where things go ridiculously smoothly, don't cost as much as I expected, and as of day 2 of the move most of the boxes have been cleared or unpacked.  As of 2:00 the day of the move the beds were put together and the boys were fitfully napping on them.  As of day 2 of the move, all the china and crystal have been washed and put into the china cabinet; the cable is up and running; and a lot of extra stuff has been put away.

Then there are the cats - yes, we have cats (THREE of them).  With every move 2 of the 3 cats are out of their skulls for weeks on end.  With this move, only 1 is even slightly bothered.  The boys are eating and sleeping on their regular routine even though our move spanned the "Spring forward" time change.  With all the good stuff happening, which is a welcome contrast from the last time we moved or closed on our house, I am afraid that something not so great will happen to counter balance it.  But, I suppose I can think of all the good stuff as payback for the crappy stuff that's happened in the past year.

Afraid of Spring

The weather in Chicago has become more spring-like.  The snow is melting and the temperatures are a little warmer.  Or maybe it's just because I've been sick and I'm fatter than ever that I think it's warmer.  I dread spring - not because of asthma and allergy season but because it's this time of year when I think, "crap - I am STILL fat."

I suppose that I can cut myself some slack that I've been sick for the past 2 weeks, but realistically I probably wouldn't have gone to the gym even if I weren't sick.  I honestly don't know WHY I don't go to the gym more regularly and take better care of myself.

I'd like to think it was because I was too busy with the kids, husband, but I know that is only maybe 10% of the cause.  It's because I'm lazy, yes lazy.  There was a time when I did go to the gym regularly and I did take better care of myself but I'm not sure what changed that.

So, what to do; what to do?  I have no idea because right now I can't seem to think without having to deal with the haze of fog and mucus that has invaded my head.  Yeah, I'm sure that is just another excuse.

Day Ten of This Crap

Today is officially day 10 (or so) of this cold that I cannot seem to shake.  I suppose I should be happy that it hasn't turned into bronchitis as it usually does, but I have not been sick like this in a long, LONG time.  I'm teetering between the common cold and some sort of viral thing.  One minute I have a fever and a few minutes later my temperature is back to "normal" only to spike up again an hour or so later.  I never knew that a body could produce so much snot and I will be happy when I stop feeling this way.

I keep waking up every morning hoping that I start to feel better and every day (so far) I've been disappointed.  A couple of days ago I was so annoyed with feeling this way that I started crying.  Now is not the best time for me to be sick.  I need every ounce of energy to start packing and I hate packing.  There are also rooms to paint and kid activities to plan for the summer.  I just want to get to the point where I don't feel winded or break into a coughing fit when I walk up a couple of stairs.  Is that too much to ask for?

Lordy I am Exhausted

Oooooh-Weeeee I am exhausted!  I'm tired to the very marrow of my bones and I realized that just sitting here on the couch.  David took the boys to his parents' house yesterday and I sat on the couch watching television after a very mentally tiring day at work.  I sat and gorged myself on TiVoed television, some reality television, and a couple of sit coms that were actually new (mid-season shows that were shot before the writer's strike started).

With my a$$ plastered to the couch - hey, I did pick up all the toys (approximately 2 tons worth) that were littering the living room - and realized how tired I was.  It was the exhaustion that keeps you from sleeping.  It's a strange feeling to be so tired, but yet unable to fall asleep.  It's not like my mind was running but the sheer weight of my tiredness was keeping me up.  Crazy, huh?

There are a ton of things that I need to get done from packing to arranging movers and scheduling a preschool visit for Nick at the new preschool David and I selected.  Time just keeps moving at break-neck speed.  There are so many plans and things to look forward to coming up and I'm hoping that the craziness of this project that I'm finishing up on will lead to a little more breathing room.  David and I are really excited about moving and we've already made plans for Christmas 2008 and we've both decided that we wanted to have an annual Groundhog Day party.

All I can say is let the good times roll!

Small Steps = Big Changes (Hopefully)

January's practically over and I have yet to do anything with my New Year's Resolutions.  I could blame it on a ton of things like a new job and challenges of the new job, but that would be a complete lie.  The reason I haven't gotten to the gym as much as I'd like or made homemade meals for the boys is simply that I'm lazy (in reference to the gym) and I'm completely unorganized (in reference to the homemade meals).

So, instead of beating myself up and doing the "woe is me" song and dance I decided to pick myself up and dust myself off and start all over again.  Isn't that a line from a song or something?  In either case, my fitness goal for this week is merely to get to the gym and my cooking goal for this week is to make dinner twice.  There's small goals, but when you're starting from zero I think (at least in my case) that it makes sense to start small.

I did make it to the gym this morning and I've already picked out something I want to make this week for dinner.  I'm hoping that starting out small this week will help me make big changes.  In the long run, I'm hoping that small changes will lead to having some sort of stability to hang on to when the big $h!t hits the fan with work or with moving.  We'll see - I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

Excellent Intentions

This morning I got up at the crack of dawn - actually BEFORE the crack of dawn - to go to the gym.  What's amazing is not that I actually got up, but that I got up after a terrible night of practically no sleep.

So, what was keeping me up this time?  The 3 year old who lives in our house decided that he needed to eat after putting his pajamas on then again after he brushed his teeth and then again after his teeth were brushed again.  On top of that, at 4:30 this morning he decided that he wanted yet another glass of milk which again led to a third tooth brushing.

The 2 year old also decided that a night of no sleep was in order and at 4:55 am decided that he wanted a different pair of pajamas on.  I swear that these guys know when I need to get up early because they pull stuff like this.

Even though I was woken up early and didn't actually get to bed until midnight, I got dressed and went to the gym.  Yes folks, I braved the crazy subzero weather this morning and made it to the gym a whole 5 minutes before it was scheduled to open.  I then waited another 20 minutes for the place to open before I decided that whoever it was that was supposed to show up wasn't going to make it.

Call me crazy but I thought that the day after New Year's Day was one of the busiest work out days.  But, there was nobody - except me and another guy - in the parking lot.  I decided that I would just throw in the towel for this morning and try again this evening.  I'm praying that my day isn't off to a bad start.

Where Will You Be When You've Realized You've Had Enough?

Where was I when I realized that I'd had enough - that I was completely over myself and sick and tired of myself?  I was in the car on my way home from my nephew's birthday party yesterday.  My sister made the cutest party favors for the adults - they were CDs of my nephew's favorite music with a booklet of various things about my nephew.  It was ingenious; it was cute and it probably took forever to put together and assemble.

My sister is a terrific mother - that's her job.  On the way out the door to the cars, my brother in-law's aunt commented on how wonderful and creative the party favors were and then she said, "But, I know that runs in the family and you've done some wonderful and creative things too."  I smiled and said that she was kind, but that she was probably thinking of my sister in-law who does things like make her own greeting cards.  Really, I am creative but things like that take time and I don't have a lot of time.

But as we were driving away from the restaurant, I started feeling sorry for myself again.  I wished that I had more time and I wished that I were thinner and a better mother and nicer and just as I was about to spiral into a pity party I stopped.  Feeling sorry for yourself and wishing things were better or that you were a better "fill in the blank" gets you absolutely nowhere.  It was at that moment that I realized how sick of myself I was.  Yeah, yeah I can hear the "don't be so hard on yourself" talk which I appreciate but sooner or later the rubber hits the road and you just have to quit feeling sorry for yourself and do something.

So last night I decided that the pity party ends today (I gave myself an evening reprieve).  Today I quit feeling sorry for myself and start spending my energy on figuring out how to get what I want.  Easier said than done - because I know that there will probably be mini pity parties along the way - but yesterday was the last hoorah.

Adjusting, Slowly

I know that I said that I wasn't adjusting well to the move, and I'm not - at least I don't think I'm adjusting well.  But in the spirit of "blooming where I'm planted" I decided that I would try to do more things close to home like going to the gym.  So, I ended my gym membership at the gym in the city that I love but never go to.  It was hard to justify the money spent monthly when I only went once or twice a month.

The new "fitness center" run by the suburb that David and I joined was a hell of a lot cheaper than the swanky gym in the city.  So much so that we were able to pay for the entire year for as much as 2 months membership at the swanky gym.  I signed up for a beginning pilates block of classes at the fitness center and yesterday was my first class.  I had taken pilates classes before but it was a year ago and what seems like 20 pounds ago and I didn't feel comfortable strolling into the regular classes.

There were some things that I liked about the class like the instructor was really nice and the class went at a nice, slow pace.  Then there were some things that I didn't really like such as the fact that it was held in a room with the lights dimmed (maybe that's a good thing) so I could really see what she was doing.  I left standing taller - a wonderful secondary effect of pilates - but I also wondered if I could make it back down to the city to take classes at the pilates place I used to go.  I'm sure it will take a little bit of adjusting on my part.  We'll see.

The Lost Day

Nothing makes you appreciate the state of whatever health you're in than a bout with good old food poisoning.  Maybe it wasn't food poisoning but is sure a hell felt like it and the running to the bathroom so often made me think that it was.  Plus, if I had the flu then I would have a fever, but I didn't and I don't.  I still feel crappy 20 hours later.

I've lost an entire day that that ticks me off.  I don't mind being unproductive but being unproductive when you need to be productive in addition to feeling like you've been run over by a mack truck isn't my idea of fun.  Bleh!

Brutally Honest

I don't think it will be any surprise to anyone to read that I struggle with a mild form of depression.  I've talked about it before in previous posts.  The times where it gets a little out of hand (and really, out of hand for me means I am grumpy and yelling) is during "that time of the month" or when I'm not feeling productive.  Usually, if I'm too busy at work I'm not depressed because I wait until the storm dies down before I can schedule a depressive episode.

Right now, I'm just tired and sick.  The boys keep passing their cold to David and then me and then around again.  But, with all the change that has been happening - the good and the bad - I'm tired, exhausted.  I want the world, MY world, to stop and just stand still for one minute.

Last night I carved the pumpkin that Nick picked from his pumpkin patch field trip.  Usually, I do a happy faces on my pumpkins because Halloween is my favorite holiday.  But last night I carved a very scary, angry face because it's just how I felt.  Luckily, the boys liked it and they laughed and laughed as they asked me to turn the lights off over and over again.

The Uninsured

The unfortunate event that I spoke of yesterday caused me to look long and hard at my health care coverage - or lack thereof - and I decided that what is important for my family is to actually HAVE health coverage.  So, instead of waiting for the powers that be to take care of the "event" I decided that I would look for health care coverage outside of my company.

I knew that it was going to be expensive, but I didn't realize HOW expensive it would be.  After you pay the premium there's always a deductible and then you may or may not have prescription coverage.  It's daunting, but I refuse to let my family go without coverage and at this time I have no idea how long it will be before the "event" is cleared up.  Either way, I'm not willing to put my family at risk.

Sometimes I think that throughout the craziness, there is someone or something looking out for me.  The sale of our condo netted us some money which makes the purchase of health insurance less of a burden, but I recognize that there are people out there who are not as fortunate.  I did a little research on those that are considered the "uninsured" and there are approximately 46.6 million people who do not have health benefits.

What was shocking was that 89% of those people are from working families and 1/5 of the 46.6 million earn $50K or more annually.  So why is it that these people are uninsured?  I have no idea why, but I can safely guess that the reason is because health care coverage is so expensive.  Not only are the premiums expensive, but the deductibles are high, and the cost of medication is high as well.

Until late last week, I never thought I could be uninsured.  I've always had good jobs and have always had health care coverage.  And even though I complained about the amount that I would have deducted from my paycheck, I never realized that the premiums were that expensive.  I wonder why it is that there is no company that pool the people of uninsured and offer discounted premiums.  Maybe these companies do exist and I just didn't search hard enough.  Then again, I wasn't willing to really 'price shop' given the situation I was in.

Luckily, I was able to find a temporary solution for not a great deal of money.  For now my family and I are covered but there are other pressing issues that I need to deal with.  This year has been a very stressful year for us and I'm hoping that 2008 will be less stressful.  I count myself as fortunate to have friends, family, and the resources to take care of my family during these crazy times.