Chicago Chick

Drinking out of a Fire Hose

Things have been crazy-busy at work; so much so that this morning I was scheduling meetings and I thought, "This week is practically over!".  What a thing to say on a Tuesday morning especially since Tuesday hasn't even really begun.  The good thing about being busy is that I didn't (and don't) have time to think about the personal issue that has been plaguing me.

The bad thing about being busy is that I really don't have any time to organize and I feel like I'm constantly drinking out of a fire hose.  There is a fine line between comfortably busy and so busy that you cannot plan or think.  Right now I am in the throes of being so busy that I cannot plan or think and it is driving me crazy.  There are a zillion things at work that I want and need to do, but spent the entire day Monday not getting to them.  Instead, I spent it asking people for things that they should have already given me.

I'm trying to adjust to being in an office by myself and being an employee and so far it's been a little rocky.  Yesterday as I was spending my time updating a weekly status report, I realized that one of the things I hated about being a traditional employee (non-consultant) was that each week was pretty much the same.  For example, Mondays are spent putting together status reports and Tuesdays are spent attending meetings, etc.  People talk about the daily grind and as an employee that is what your days are like.

I miss my consulting days already.  Yes, I am still doing some of the same things for the same company as I was when I was in consulting, but now it's no longer an assignment that could end in months.  I really am trying to adjust and I'm sure I'll get there.  Luckily, I don't have time to think about anything but getting tasks completed so by the time I do have the time to stop and think, I'll probably be used to the daily grind.  Ugh - what a daunting thought!

Sunshine and Happiness Second Guessed

The announcement that I will be joining the new company went out an e-mail yesterday and I spent the better part of the day answering congratulatory e-mails.  I will be spending part of next week cleaning out my new office and figuring out what tasks are priority for me.  I'm actually sad that I'm going to have an office because that means that I won't be able to socialize with co-workers as much.  Plus, there is a perception that "office people" are the ones you cannot trust or talk to which with me is really untrue.  I asked for a cube, but was told that I absolutely had to take the office.  Fine.

Yesterday I had dinner with my new boss, the CIO, and a handful of new co-workers where the announcement that I was joining was unofficially made.  It should have been a "sunshine and happiness" moment but events that occurred shortly before the get-together made me realize that the people that I trust aren't necessarily truly trustworthy.

On my way to the bar, I was walking with 3 co-workers that I didn't know that well.  One of the guys, D, and I were talking and our conversation went like this:

D: So is what is being said about you in the rumor mill true?
Me: Tell me what the rumor is and I will tell you if it's true.
D: I can't tell you what the rumor is, but it has to do with you, the VP of IT, and the CIO being buddies.
Me: They don't treat me any different than they treat you, so I'd say that the rumor is probably not true.
D: I can't tell you what the rumor is.
Me: If you ask me a question that has to do with this rumor I will answer it honestly.
D: Okay - so will you always be a consultant?
Me: Absolutely - I don't think that my way of thinking and my approach to work will ever not be consultant-like.
D: Hmmm, so the rumor is probably untrue.

After the unofficial announcement, D came up to me and said that I lied to him.  I responded that I didn't lie - he asked the wrong question.  What he should have asked me is if I were joining the company as an employee which I would have had to answer "yes".  He said that I was being evasive which was also ridiculous.  The disturbing part was when I asked who he heard the rumor from, he told me that it was one of my co-workers (AK) that I trusted.

My co-worker heard the news from her boss who heard the news from my new boss AND my boss told that person NOT to say anything.  There were instances of D blabbing gossip around the office and I never knew who his source was, but now I know - it's AK - because the gossip that was getting around was about things she knew or was told by other trusting co-workers.  What's upsetting is that I trusted my co-worker, AK, and now I know that I can't trust her anymore. 

One of the things that I liked about coming to work for the company I'm going to be working for is that I have friends there and I won't feel so much like an island.  But, now that I know that I have to be on guard as to what I say (or don't say), I'm not feeling so comfortable anymore.  I'm wondering if I made a mistake.

Used To

It's been very stressful in our house lately.  On my side there is work and the boys and for David it is all about the boys.  I'm sure that he's not feeling very good about the "daddy oops" that was made this week.  I have been making sure that I don't rub the mistake in his face because I know that he's doing what he can.  I also know that given a choice, he would rather go back to work, but he knows that being home is better for the kids.

Still, it's hard to pretend that nothing is wrong and so when things have gotten tense this weekend I've put on my headphones and tried to give David some space.  Lately I've been listening to some Daughtry - the song that seems to hit home for me is "Used To" and every so often I catch myself humming it.

For those of you who don't know it, here it is below:

Honestly there was a time when David and I were very much in sync.  It was a long time ago before the boys and before I ever felt like an adult.  I met my husband when I was 21 years old and in the past 16 years that we've known each other (11 of those years married), I have grown up.  I'm definitely not the same person that I used to be - it's a good thing and a not so good thing.  I think that sometimes people just grow up and grow apart.  But, I also believe that people who grow apart can somehow grow together again.  I am hoping that is what happens for us.

I have told people that I probably married the wrong person and to some extent I still believe that.  However, I also know that the man that I am married to knows me better than anyone and is able to call me to the carpet when I'm full of shit - I haven't met anyone (friend, former boyfriends, family) that can do that.  In that sense, he IS the right person.  I don't know the right answer to the question: Did you marry the right guy.  I'm just hoping that one day the days of being in sync come back.

And the Fun Just Keeps Coming

You would think that fate would be kind to me given the events of yesterday, but fate is cruel sometimes.  Although today wasn't nearly as bad as yesterday, it was not what I would call a good day.  I did get some good news this morning, but I don't want to talk about it because it may jinx it.  Suffice it to say that I see the light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Today my client gave me written notice that they were exercising their "30 day termination clause" of the contract.  The original contract was supposed to go until the end of the year, but it's been cut short.  This is not the best news in the world, but it is what it is.  I cannot go into specifics about their decision but suffice it to say that 30 days from now I will not be working for my client and I will be on the bench.  My hope is that the company that I work for will lay me off.

Why would I ask for such a thing?  Well, because I will be heads down trying to tie up loose ends with my client and won't have time to interview.  I'd rather be straight-forward and honest about my intentions to interview so that I don't have the pressure of having to try to fake being happy at my company whilst I sit on the bench unassigned.  So, it's either lay me off or pay me to sit on the bench and interview.  The later would probably stress me out beyond belief.  Plus, if there is a co-worker that could be spared, then I'd rather go this route.

So, when I dropped off the official letter to one of the partners of the consulting company I work for, she called in the other partner that is responsible for the practice I belong to.  I had to rehash the entire thing from yesterday even though the partner I was rehashing it for was told about what happened - that demonstrates just how much of a lummox this person really is.  I relived the entire episode for the fool and was very honest about how I felt.  I wanted to make sure that he understood very clearly how I felt about how he handled things and I swear he didn't get it.  He just kept making excuses for the things that he did - bad excuses.

At one point he actually said, "Since you were on a long term project, I didn't think that you needed to be told about what was going on in the office" and since one of the partners had already spoken to me about my co-worker's departure he "thought it was taken care of and didn't think that he needed to contact me."  Seriously, this is the kind of management that runs the consulting company I work for.  So, because I was on a project I shouldn't worry about my career or what direction the practice I belong to is taking? 

I am glad that it's Friday because if I ended up having another day like I did today, headlines would read: "Annoyed Consultant Loses Her Mind When She's Forced to Rehash - Yet AGAIN - Why She is Unhappy With Her Current Company"

But, on the plus side - because every bad day has a plus side, my oldest son is making great strides in potty training (thanks to my husband who has - I think - gotten part of the message).  And, I spoke to his principal and he doesn't have to leave preschool - YET.

Worst Day EVER!

Today was an especially crappy day for me.  My client came past my office this morning and told me that the word on the street was that the consulting company I work for was "going under."  I was a bit surprised.  I mean, I knew that things were not going well but I didn't think that they were that dire.  Luckily (or unluckily) my client is right across the street from the consulting company that I work for and I walked over to the offices to find out what was going on.

After speaking with the HR Manager, the Office Manager, and the CEO of my company, I was told that the rumor that I heard was really just that - a rumor.  Then we started talking about my dissatisfaction with working for the company.  I explained that I was unhappy with the way that my departure from my first client with this company was handled.  I also explained that I was disappointed in the way that the lay-off of my manager and subsequent leaving of the Chicago practice lead was communicated which was NOT AT ALL.

I stated my case rather firmly and loudly and used some choice words for the partner that dealt with my first project with the company as well as for the partner that is in charge of now running the practice I belong to.  I didn't mince words and I was probably more vocal that I should have been.  I believe I asked them to lay me off if there was another round of firings coming.  It was a ridiculous request since I'm currently on a project and am bringing money in the door.  Let's be serious, I'm ALWAYS bringing money in the door so the chances of me getting laid off are pretty slim.

The sad thing was that even after I loudly voiced my displeasure with the company despite half a dozen opportunities given to them to do the right thing, they offered me the Chicago practice lead role.  The CEO talked about building a practice around me which I thought was absurd.  When I told them that I wasn't interested, they told me to "think it over."  Seriously.  I left the hour meeting completely annoyed that they hadn't heard anything that I said.

When I got back to the office, I had time to grab lunch and attend a meeting right before I received a phone call from my son's preschool teacher.  Now, I know that I'm new at this preschool thing, but I do know that a call from the teacher is NEVER a good thing.  I was right because his teacher was calling to tell me that he had an "accident" - the pants wetting kind.  She went on to say that he came to school without a pull up and without any underpants.  Yeah - I was shocked and had to ask her to repeat what she said.

Apparently David "forgot" to put any underwear on our oldest son and sent him to preschool in jeans.  Seriously.  So, while I was trying to scrape myself off the office walls, I was hearing how my son didn't have a change of clothes and didn't have any extra underpants or pull ups in his backpack.  Actually, he didn't have his backpack because I packed that stuff in there.  I was then told that my husband, who insisted on being the primary parent to contact, was not answering his phone.

I immediately called David and the teacher was correct, he did NOT answer the phone.  It wasn't until I called the house phone that I finally got a hold of him and that is when my head just spun around 360 degrees and exploded.  David went to go get our son but didn't think to bring a change of clothes for him, so our 4 year old had to ride in a car with wet pants.  The teacher told us that we needed to speak to the principal and that there was a good chance that our son would be asked to leave preschool.

Just when I was getting over our preschool experience from last year, something like this happens and I'm to clean up a mess yet again.  The sad thing is that David didn't "man up" to what he did - there were a zillion reasons why the teacher was wrong and that our son did have underpants on.  In the end, he was wrong and he still didn't own up to it.

The point of this post isn't to lambaste my husband or to show what a crappy father he is.  The point of my post is to vent and to try to get my head around how crappy a day it was.  I don't necessarily want to relive the events - ever again - but I need to purge.  What I was left with before the end of a very long day was the fall out of these 2 little events in my life.  It's amazing to me that 2 things could wreak such havoc.  Not only did I have to "have it out" with the company I work for but I also had to find my son a (potential) new preschool and remind my husband that he is responsible for things like putting underwear on the boys before they leave the house.

I am truly amazed that I haven't lost it entirely and that I was able to complete a full day's worth of work.  I am truly amazed that co-workers that are my client's employees were as supportive as they were.  I am truly amazed that even though it was a crappy, CRAPPY day that I am able to carry on.  Seriously, I think I'm crazy.

You're So Vain (and Insecure)

At work we were talking about age and aging and how we're handling getting older.  It started when one of my co-workers came by to ask a question about the project she was working on and somehow the topic of conversation moved towards what kids today would remember when they grew up.  For example, our children today will not know what it's like to NOT have a microwave or cell phones - similar to how I cannot remember a time without a television.

The conversation made a few of us realize that we will turn 40 within the next few years.  In my case, it will be January of 2011 which is not that far away.  I have to admit that I'm a little fearful of turning 40 and I'm not entirely sure why.  I mean, I couldn't wait until I turned 30 and was so excited to leave the angst of my 20s behind.  When I think about the past almost decade, the term change comes to mind.  My 30s is when I changed careers, purchased my first house, had children, and went to graduate school.

The later half of my 30s has been very challenging and I guess I'm fearful of turning 40 because of that.  I wonder if getting older means that life will get even more difficult.  Then there are the physical changes.  The stretch marks and the saggy skin that came with the boys will probably never leave.  And, although I don't have any noticeable facial wrinkles I know that they're coming.  I don't want to get old and I am less looking forward to having it appear on my face and body.

Every year it becomes more of a battle to keep age at bay.  I know that it is inevitable that I will get older and it will show.  I'm vain - I know it.  But, I think that most of my vanity comes from the fact that I'd like to hold on to the little attractiveness that I have.  Sheesh, I'm cursed - not only am I vain, but I'm insecure too!

I Wish I Had a Crystal Ball

Honestly, these past few years have been really, really tough.  I write that thought often and hope that things will get less difficult.  But, in reality, things don't get easier and the reason that things don't get easier is because I don't let them.  Let me explain.

In the past 4 years, David and I have become parents (twice); we've sold and bought a house; and we've moved (twice).  As if becoming a parent isn't hard enough, I've also changed jobs a lot - yeah I don't want to hear about it - (once to return to the same company, once because my company was on the verge of folding, and another because I was paid A LOT of money to cut and paste information from one spreadsheet to another causing my brain to atrophy).  All of the things that have "happened" to me are things that I willing did to myself.

I admit it - I am the cause of the strife in my life.  I made all of the changes in an attempt to make life better for my family and to put us in a better place.  I made the best choice with the information that I had at the time.  Would I make the same choices again knowing what I know now?  Some of them yes and some of them no (overall I'd say yes) - but it's not like I had a crystal ball.  Actually, I wish I did have a crystal ball because there are more decisions that I'm about to make and I'd really love to know the outcome before I make them.  And because I don't live in a bubble I will have to continue to make choices.

Throughout the years of making these big choices about work and family and money, I've truly learned a lot.  I've learned to be more patient and not so reactionary.  Case in point, when people in my practice started dropping like flies, I could have run but I didn't.  I'm still working for my consulting company - although a little unhappier - but I'm still there.  And, the lesson that you are responsible for your career (something I learned at the age of 22) has been a recurring theme throughout the past 4 years.

There are so many changes to come.  My oldest will be returning to school in a couple of weeks and the littlest one will start attending preschool at the beginning of 2009.  I cannot stop the inevitable changes that come my way and I know that life won't get easier.  The only thing that I can hope for is the wisdom to enjoy the good times when they come and to hang on tight to the ones I love during the not so good times.  But seriously, a crystal ball sure wouldn't hurt!

Get OUT of My Head!

There's a thought in my head that I cannot seem to shake.  I don't want to go into details but suffice it to say that I wish it would just LEAVE . . MY . . HEAD!  I'm tired of constantly wondering why I'm having this thought and kind of skeeved that I'm having it.  Bleh!  I just want to go back in time to a place when things weren't so - well - complicated.  I think that maybe that time would be when I was about 7 years old.  Yep - being a 7 year old again may be a nice change of pace right now.

While I realize that to be 7 years old again isn't possible, I can always wish, can't I?  Along with the thought that I would like erased from my brain are the events that go with it.  It would be lovely if the events that brought this thought into my head could be erased too.  It's strange the thoughts that seem to get replayed over and over and over again in your head.  And honestly, nothing good can come from the thought that I cannot seem to get rid of.

The thoughts aren't suicidal or harmful, but it is annoying.  It's one of those thoughts that keeps you from moving ahead because you keep wondering, "how in the world did I even get to this point?"   * Sigh * Maybe if I just go to bed, the thought will magically vanish.  I can only wish.

Touchy Feely

There are a particular group of people that I've gotten to know pretty well at work.  Every once in awhile we go out for lunch, dinner, or drinks - it's pretty casual and I enjoy the people I work with.  Earlier this week I was working late and one of the people I work with happened to be working late too.  We sat around and chatted for a while before I returned to the work that I was doing.

A few minutes later I felt a hand on my shoulder - squeezing my shoulder in a familiar way.  It was the person that I work with.  I pretty much ignored the familiar shoulder squeeze because at the time I didn't think anything of it.  A few minutes later I felt a hand rubbing the back of my shoulder.  It was the same person and again I didn't think anything of it.  And it's not like I've never touched a co-worker; there are high fives (annoying) and handshakes and hugs for people I work with that I have a PERSONAL relationship with, but never rubbing.

I know you're probably asking, "What are you thinking?".  I ask myself that same thing too.  I think I honestly was wrapped up in what I was trying to finish and I didn't think about what happened until I was in my car on my way home.  Seriously, I didn't.  And, I am the kind of person to brush that kind of stuff off unless it's blatant.  Blatant like someone were to pat me on the behind (never happened) or cop a boob feel.  I'm not sensitive to small things. 

But, on my way home I realized that my co-worker just touched me in a familiar way that was a little odd.  The more I thought about it, the more I wondered if I should be offended.  I came to the realization - after talking with David - that maybe it was just an oversight on my co-workers part  David thinks that this person felt comfortable enough with me to edge towards, if not cross over, the boundaries of what is acceptable work behavior. 

So, how will I deal with this?  I think that it is best to ignore the event and if it happens again I will just tell this person that I'm uncomfortable with the whole "touchy-feely" thing.  I would hate for that to happen because then I would have to stop talking with this person and this person is funny and nice and I actually enjoy working with them.  But, seriously if this happened again, it would be the end of all that.

I've Scheduled D-Day

Yesterday I scheduled the day that I will be taking this dreaded exam I keep talking about.  I'm sure it won't be THAT bad, but until I get there I will be obsessing about it.  Things certainly have changed since I took the last certification test waaaaay back in 1992.  Actually, I found out that the place where I'm taking this exam also offers the last certification test I took which means that both tests are computer based tests.  Call me a little old-fashioned but I like the paper and pencil days of testing.

I guess those days are over because almost all standardized tests are computer based.  This means that the ACT, SAT, and GMAT are all done on computers.  Lucky for me, the test that I am going to be taking is not a progressive test (i.e., the questions get harder based on whether or not you got the last question correct).  I swear that if I were going to school in 2008 I would definitely note do as well on any test that was administered via computer.

So now I have a definite date when I have to be ready which is a good thing and also a bad thing.  It's good because there's a point in time when I have to be read and it's bad because the date is not too far in the future.  Actually, it's the middle of this month.  Did I have to schedule the test that early?  No I didn't have to but I just wanted to get it over with.  I wanted to make sure that it was soon enough that I could retain the information from the class, but far enough away that I would have time to study.  For someone who has always loved, loved, loved school, this thing is giving me hives!

Someone Hand Me a Paper Bag to Breathe Into

Yesterday I just wanted to cry.  I wanted to cry on the way out to my training class; I wanted to cry at some point during my training class; I wanted to cry on my way home; and I wanted to cry when I was answering e-mails from work when I got home.  What's causing all this angst?  I have no idea.

It could be that I feel like I have a ton to learn for this certification test.  And every time we do a review in the class, I cannot seem to answer any of the questions - okay, not any but MOST of the questions that are asked I cannot answer correctly.  It's frustrating and almost enough to send me into a hyperventilating fit.  Seriously, I am going to need a paper bag to breathe into or I'm going to pass out.

I suppose it could be worse.  It could always be worse.  One of the gals in my class (not the Know-It-All) is supposed to be closing on her house next week, but it turns out that everything isn't ready for close.  The house that she's buying is on the verge of being foreclosed upon and there are other issues like the bank won't release the seller from his mortgage.  It was an odd story.

Apparently the issue that the seller has with the bank creates a huge problem because my classmate's lender doesn't want to finalize the mortgage until the title is clear.   So, no mortgage means my classmate cannot close on the house she's buying.  This wouldn't be a huge deal if her house wasn't already sold; her possessions weren't in storage; the new carpet wasn't scheduled to be installed; the movers weren't scheduled; and her oldest daughter wasn't going to start school the week after next.  Plus, there seems to be another issue that has to do with $10K worth of earnest money.

I keep telling myself "See, it could always be worse - it could ALWAYS be worse."

Seriously?

I've been trying to find a babysitter to help my husband and me out with our 2 toddler sons.  Because of my crazy schedule, there are times when I don't get home in time to go through the dinner/bedtime routine.  Actually, they don't have a good routine given the changes in our lives - what with moving 3 times in the past year and all.  When I'm home it's not that bad, but when I get home late from work they don't go to bed at a reasonable hour.  This is not a good thing when the oldest one has an appointment with his speech or occupational therapist the next day.  It's not good because he misses the appointment.

I realize being a stay at home parent is a tough job but I've tried to make it easier for my husband.  Easier in the sense that he doesn't have to worry about scheduling things like play dates, social events, doctor appointments, or finding schools for either of the kids.  I do all that.  And, it's not like our home is spotless so there isn't a lot of cleaning going on.  To top it off, my sister and 3 of my girlfriends manage anywhere from 1 to 4 children and a household AND do the "mommy" stuff I described above.  And yes, their homes are pretty clean.

It's frustrating being in this situation of being the sole wage earner.  I say that because I try very hard to provide the money so that we can afford a nice home, good schools (private tuition is not cheap), good health care, and things like private speech and occupational therapy for our 3 year old.  I know that our son will not improve unless there is consistency and so far there hasn't been and I'm annoyed.

I'm annoyed because it is my husband's job to make sure that appointments are kept.  So, in an effort to help my husband out - because he says that he has a zillion things to do and even though I help out with the boys and I'm the one that puts them in their pajamas and brushes their teeth AND puts them in bed the majority of the time - I've decided to find a sitter to help him on the nights when I do come home after 6:00.  If anyone has any suggestions on finding a reliable sitter, I would be eternally grateful.

Motivation is Fleeting

This morning I got a phone call at 4:30.  Normally that would be too early, but I was up because I was going to the gym to work out with my personal trainer.  Except - except that the call this morning was from him to cancel our session again.  This is the who-knows-how -many-th time that this has happened and last Sunday he texted me to cancel.

I admit that I haven't been an angel.  There have be a couple of times that I've called and canceled at the last minute, but so far I think he's out-canceled me.  Normally, I would just get another trainer but I really think that this guy can help me.  I'm frustrated because when I am motivated to do something about my health, I don't stay motivated for long.

If I don't take action at the moment when I am motivated, it will be a long time before I will take action at all.  It's sad and it's an issue I need to deal with.  So, right now I am willing to work on a flexible schedule with my current trainer but my willingness won't last for long.  Seriously, I need to do something about my weight and my health because it's scary - scary for me.

Sometimes It's the First Step That's Tough

I made it through the day and it wasn't that bad; actually, it wasn't bad at all.  I even made it to the gym for my TEAM class.  It's the first week of a 12 week program and today we were pinched (for fat testing) and weighed.  Since I did the 12 week program last session, they still had my numbers and compared to where I began in April I've lost 16 pounds and 5% body fat.  Not too shabby.

I've known for a very long time that once I get going, I'm fine.  I seem to follow Newton's Law of Motion (the inertia law to be exact) where "bodies that are in motion stay in motion and bodies at rest stay at rest."  By this I mean that once I'm going I am fine - it's the stopping and trying to start back up again that is tough.  This applies to everything in my life - work, going to the gym, everything.

So, once I got to work it was not so bad being there and once I got to the gym I was okay with working out and sweating like a pig.  I'm sure that this is the case with most people.  It seems that almost anyone you ask will tell you that it's getting to the gym that is the hardest part.  Is the solution never to take a vacation?  Yeah, right - I think not!

Anxiety

I need to relax an just breathe - breathe already.  Tomorrow I need to go back to work and I just don't want to be there.  I know that I probably need to talk to my husband and tell him that we need to work something out where I can work less because I honestly feel like I'm at my breaking point.  I'm sure I'll be fine when I get to the office, but for now I just feel like a bundle of nerves.

It doesn't help matters when I mention that tuition is due for the oldest boy's preschool and that we need to confirm that we will be doing classes at Tuesday's Child.  I work really hard - I do - but I also tend to be the spender and David is the saver.  So, when he says something like, "we have no money" it freaks me out.

Of course it's not that we don't have any money - we do.  But David is the guy who gets bent out of shape unless we have a certain level of cash in savings and he doesn't consider that we have money in IRAs and 401Ks.  When he unleashes a statement like that I start to feel more anxiety that ever.  Then again, he said it and went back to watching a preview for Wrecked on the television.

Seriously, I'm starting to hyperventilate.  I feel like there are so many things that I need to get control of - my weight; my health; my oldest boy's supposed "developmental delay"; the house; and the list goes on and on.  Maybe I'm better off at work. * Sigh *

"Normal"

I have one more day of vacation before life returns to "normal" on Monday.  My "To Do" list - or "sanity list" as I've called it is complete except for 3 items.  Actually, one of the 3 is partially done - most of the laundry is washed, but has yet to be folded.  Yesterday I took an A-Line Skirt class at The Needle Shop and I now have a pretty new skirt to wear to work on Monday.  Today I took my 2 boys to meet my friend Mama Eye and her ridiculously cute toddler boy for a play date.  Hi Mama Eye - we need to get together again soon; today was way too short.  BTW, A keeps asking if L is okay.

Mama Eye and I briefly talked about my worries that my sons wouldn't be "normal" an of course she told me not to worry.  But, it's hard not to worry especially after the Early Intervention chapter in our lives.  Seeing them play with the other children at the park made me realize that my sons are perfectly normal.  They may not be as articulate as the 3 year old little girl named Anastasia that we saw at the park, but they are normal for little boys.  And I realized that I'm not such a bad mother.  This past week I have spent every day with other parents and not only are my sons as well behaved, but I am as good as any other parent out there.  Plus, the boys are happy and healthy.

So, while I'm not really thrilled about going back to work because of the crap that is sure to be waiting for me I need to remember the reasons why I'm working so hard.  There are 2 little guys waiting for me at home that are counting on me to put a roof over their heads and food on the table.  The bright smiles on their faces when I walk through the door and the squeals of "Mommy, Mommy!  You're home!" are worth putting up with the crap at work.

Combatting a Meltdown

The thing I cannot stand about having dysthymia is that it's always a presence in my life.  It's almost like a constant low hum or a ghost that I walk around with - think a lawn mower in the distance that you can ignore at times.  When I'm busy and have a ton - a ton more than usual - to do, I do a great job of ignoring it; but, when I'm not busy - or not as busy as usual - I have a very hard time ignoring it.  For example, when I first started in consulting and I was on the bench (unassigned) for an astounding 11 weeks I was okay for the first week but by week five, I didn't even bother to get up and shower.  It truly was sad.

One would think that even though I got paid my full salary during those 11 weeks I would be okay, but I wasn't.  The time on the bench made me aware of the constant buzz of my dysthymia.  This coming week I've decided to take vacation days and hang out with my oldest son and you'd think that I would be able to ignore the buzz.  I can't and I'm not sure why.

It could be that between the week off that I took to hang out with my youngest son; the long 4th of July weekend; and the upcoming week off that I've truly been able to decompress.  Normally, that would be a great thing since I don't know how to relax but for some reason today I just feel so extremely blah.  It's the blah that I start feeling right before I stop showering.

I know that it's crazy but it's depression and it's hard to explain or understand.  Trust me, I don't understand it but somehow I manage to live with it.  Sheesh, think of how successful I would be if I didn't have it given the things that I'm able to do while actually living with it.  My way of combating it is to try to keep busy and ignore it which I know isn't the best way of dealing with it.  Yes, there are antidepressants I can take and I do take a very VERY low dosage of it but the hum never really goes away.

So, this is what I'm planning on doing to try to head the potential meltdown at the pass:

• Take my oldest son to his week at camp.  It's a parent attended camp so I don't have to worry about anyone being responsible for my child.
• Pick up the boys' room
• Hang shelves in the boys' room
• Do ALL the laundry
• Update my resume and start a cursory look for yet another new job.  I'm okay until December when my client's contract completes and I'm sure they'll extend me, but I'm thinking I need to get ready for the worst possible scenario.
• Clean the bathrooms - can you say "ewwwww!"
• Sew an A-line Skirt
• Finish my niece's sun dress (find cute buttons, hem the dress, iron it)
• Call Mama Eye for a play-date.  Maybe David can watch her son as well as ours and Mama Eye and I can go hang out at a spa and get manicures and pedicures.  We'll probably end up hanging out at the park, but it will be good if we can get together *hint, hint, Mama Eye*
• Clean off the kitchen island.  Price out marble and find out how much it will cost to move the island.
• Vacuum the house
• Dust the piano and clean the ottoman
• Sign up for more personal training sessions
• Sign up for the TEAM fitness class at the gym

Yeah, it's quite the ambitious list, but I'm thinking that most of it can be accomplished tomorrow - at least the cleaning stuff anyways.  Plus, I'm up early to go to the oldest son's day camp during the week which means that I will have the afternoon to do stuff like hang out with BOTH boys!

Me, Deconstructed

Remember that nursery rhyme, "What are Little Girls Made Of?, that went on to say that little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice?  I was reading a post on another blog that I read and decided to write an answer to Uppercase Woman's question on the 5 most character defining moments.

So, here are mine in no particular order:

1. Moving to the FAR Northern Suburbs: I left the only school and the only friends that I ever had to a dreary and unfriendly place to start my freshman year in high school.  At the time there was one African American family and a handful of Asians, but other than that it was WASP-city.  It left a bad taste in my mouth for the suburbs of Chicago and I have tried to never leave the city.  Sometimes you do what you think is best for your family regardless of what you yourself truly want.



2. Changing Careers: In college I was taught that you pick a major and you work in that major no matter what.  It's not normal to spend 8 years in a career, climbing the ladder only to decide that you wanted to switch ladders.  I was told that I would have to take a huge pay cut and that nobody would want to hire me.  Add to that a poor economy and a change in careers to one that was on the down slide (technology) and I was just asking for trouble.  One of my co-workers (not my Mama Eye) told me that I was stupid and that what I was looking for wasn't out there.
   
   She was wrong, but I do remember saying to her that I would rather try and fail than not even bother trying at all.  The lesson I learned was to be fearless and that mistakes happen, but unless you do something dire then mistakes can be fixed.  I think the thought started with a "Life's Little Instruction Book" calendar that said, "Be bold and courageous.  When you look back on your life, you will regret the things that you didn't do more than the things that you did."



3. Becoming a Parent: I'm not saying that I became a parent when I gave birth to either of my sons.  In fact, I think it was probably in the last year or so that I actually became a parent.  It happens gradually when one day you "get" the fact that you're responsible for someone else and that what you want gets back burner-ed sometimes.  I also realized that just because I am a parent that doesn't mean that the things in life I want are no longer important.  I think that the moment when I started acting like I a parent, I became a better wife and person.  I'm not AS selfish, but I'm still human.  And yes, marrying my husband was character defining, but I don't think I really behaved as a wife (no I didn't cheat or anything like that) until I grew up and became a parent



4. Having a Relative Second-Guess Me as a Mother: It's sad when someone who knows you better than anyone second-guesses you and takes actions that are so insulting, hurtful, and confusing.  I wrote about it over a year ago and don't really want to rehash it.  But, suffice it to say it has haunted me in EVERY ASPECT of my life ever since.



5. Being Left By My Fiance/Boyfriend/Whatever: The single most emotionally damaging event that has happened in my life was when my "other" at the time said, "I don't love you anymore."  I think what came out of my mouth was the most primal, guttural sound that I've ever produced.  To this day, I can remember it and still feel it in my gut.  What followed after that break up was 5 years of hi-jinx that ended when I married my husband.  I am sure that I messed this other person up as much as he messed me up.  His name is still uttered by my husband in sentences like, "Jeez, [insert guy's name here] really messed you up!"

So, those are mine - what are yours?

Down Came the Rain

It's Sunday evening and it's been raining all day.  I really, really don't want to go to work tomorrow.  It was a really bad week last week and I'm not sure if I can handle this coming week even though it's a short week.  There are some big decisions that I need to make and I'm not relishing making them.  I truly thought that a great opportunity was coming my way - and it was - but because the company I work for seems to believe in involuntary servitude, well the opportunity has died.

I'm honestly hoping that I'm wrong when it comes to my outlook for the coming week.  I would love more than anything to have a wonderful week where things go smoothly and I don't feel like I'm doing the most terrible job in the world.  Today as I was snuggling the oldest boy I was thinking about how truly lucky I am and that work is - well - just that.  Work is nothing more than a job.

But along with that thought came the thought that times could get even tougher and I could be without a job.  I haven't truly worried about anything in a long time because once I start down the worrying path, I remind myself that nothing productive comes from worrying.  But, for the first time in a long time I allowed myself to get wrapped up in the worry.  Yeah, not a great choice for me to make at the time.  So now I'm in "I must protect my career" mode and I plan on taking action.  I'm just not quite sure what form that action will take.

How Rude!

It was my first day back at work and on the train.  I had forgotten what it was like during the summers with a lot of "non-regulars" riding the train.  This morning the train was packed and the only seat available was the one where a guy had put his bag.

When I asked if anyone was sitting there he pretended to ignore me, but I'm one of those "take no prisoners" kind of people when it comes to people who think that a seat is a place to put your shit.  So I tapped him on the shoulder and politely asked, "Is there anyone sitting there?".

The guy was clearly sitting with his family because the college-aged girl rolled her eyes at me and gave me this "ugh whatever" look.  But seriously, if you are going to bring your entire family down to the city with you on the train, then don't use the seat next to you as a place to put your bag - especially not during rush hour.  Ugh, whatever!