Chicago Chick

Searching For Peace

One of the most important lessons that I learned in 2011 is to take vacation during the Christmas-New Years holiday.  Practically everyone is out of the office and nobody really answers emails.  I didn't take the time off and I realize after this week, I am totally burned out.  I could feel it coming on the Friday before the New Year's holiday and ended up with an awful head cold. 

Add to that the stress of having to put together a not so stellar review for one of the guys I manage and then having to give that review and you've got the recipe for a trying week.  I've gotten used to giving feedback that isn't always received well and the past two years I've made the decision to let someone go.  First in 2010 and then again in 2011  and then this year I had to put someone - someone who is/was a friend - on probation.  It's been tough for me at work and I am finding that it is difficult to have friends at work.

All of this has been a long time coming and I realize that I really DO need to take better care of myself.  I don't eat right and I don't get enough sleep.  Lately, I've started taking a very small dose (3 mg) of melatonin.  It's helped me get some sleep and it doesn't make me feel groggy when I get up in the morning.  As a result, the dark circles that have been forming under my eyes are gone and I'm way more patient.  I've also started back up with the yoga classes and have gone to  few meditation classes.  I really do need to find peace somewhere in my life.

Back to Work - With a Smile?

Is it bad that I'm looking forward to going back to work tomorrow?  It's not like I'm running away from home - permanently.  Going back to work means not spending time with my boys, which I will miss.  I will miss my oldest making reference to "eating his peas" when I ask him to do something very necessary but something that he doesn't necessarily want to do.  Things like brushing his teeth or picking up after himself.  It's actually really cute.

And, I will miss my youngest and his constant chatter.  I'm serious - it's actually pretty funny.  He talks NON-STOP and yesterday I told him in the car that he was not allowed to say anything for 5 minutes unless it was a dire emergency.  A few minutes later when I asked him a question, he wouldn't answer.  I repeated my question twice and then asked him what was the matter.  He answered "you said I couldn't say anything unless it was an emergency and answering your question isn't an emergency, is it?" 

It's been a fun few days off, but it's very stressful being at home with the boys AND their father.  For example, son number 1 says something disgusting related to farts to son number 2 who laughs and says something equally disgusting but about bowel movements.  David gets wind (no pun intended) of it, and gets very annoyed which makes the boys repeat what they've said and laugh and laugh and laugh.  David gets upset and starts to get even more annoyed.  Pretty soon it's tense in our house and someone ultimately (one of the boys not any of the "grown ups") starts crying.  Let's just say that 3 days of this is more than enough for me.  My patience is even shorter since my pesky head cold has returned.

At work when this type of scenario happens, I can at least walk away.  Plus, there's that paycheck that goes with it.  Being a parent grosses no spendable income.

Sneezing in the New Year

Surprise, surprise!  I've got a cold.  My head feels like it's going to explode and I've taken the neti pot out of retirement in hopes that it will help my stuffy head.  So far 2012 is off to such a *great* start!

Rearview Mirror

I get very sentimental about the past 12 months this time of year.  I know I am not the only one.  It is in my nature to look back and sometimes it isn't good because I can get caught up and start living in the past.  I think that is why I don't spend too much time on Facebook looking up people from my past.  I think, at times, it's good to keep the past in the past.

But, it's the end of the year and like most people, I look back on the past 12 months.  Normally, I answer questions in a post or posts.  Or I spend it somewhere where I can peacefully contemplate the year almost gone by (I still have not developed any of the multitude of rolls of film I took from that trip).  In the end, it's the same - it's a look back into the past 12 months.  So as not to disappoint - I hate disappointing people - I will be doing that same review mirror glance in this post.

In 2011 I learned that:

• It takes me a long time to get over things - some things, someones, some events - and the road is always painful.  I eventually get there, but I will never get there as quickly as I would like.  And, just when I think that I got "there", it will turn out that I'm not quite over that thing - some things, someones, some events.
• Sometimes life will just get sick of waiting for me to get over things and will throw me a bone.  In this case, whatever it was that I was agonizing over was taken away.  That which was a daily reminder of what I was to get over was taken away and was no longer a daily reminder.  It was a gift because I was no longer allowed to obsess over it.
• I definitely have a breaking point.  I am not invincible and no matter how hard I work to make something successful, doesn't mean that it will turn out as I planned.  Even if I give decision makers options, doesn't mean they're going to act on it.  This applies to work as well as to my personal life.
• I have spent the past year searching inward for something and, at times, have found what it is I was looking for.  Other times, I have found that I needed to dig deeper.  There have been memories from my past that I've buried so deep that when I remember them - or choose to remember them - they have caused me great pain but have helped me grow and heal.  And, I realize that the next year will probably be filled with more of the same.
• Sometimes it is better to discipline a child with hugs and reason and sometimes it is better to discipline a child with a time-out.  It depends on the situation, but in either case one should be calm when disciplining a child.  Okay, so I always knew that and I've always worked hard to take that approach, but the difference is that now I take a breath before I do either.
• Expectations of others are just that - expectations of other people.  I will disappoint others and just because I do does not mean that I am a failure.  Other people are free to expect things from me and I am just as free to decide that those expectations are ones that I choose to ignore.  This year I have been told that people are disappointed in me and I have replied "I'm very sorry you feel that way, but you will need to get in line behind the last person I have disappointed.  And, yes the line is VERY long."  It really has been quite freeing.

I have learned a lot more this year, but the most important thing that I have learned is that I am a good person, mother, parent, co-worker, friend, sister, daughter.....I have also learned that I have little control over anyone or anything except my own actions and my own perceptions.  I've grown spritually over the past year and have found much comfort in what I've learned or remembered.  All in all, it has been a pretty good year and I am looking forward to 2012 - warts and all!

 

 

 

Happy Holidays

May you and your family have a peaceful and happy holiday.

Merry F-ing Christmas

To the in considerate b*tch who cut in front of us waiting in line for a neighborhood light show: may you get NOTHING for Christmas. Or, when you do have children (loud ones that hate waiting in long lines like mine) may someone just as inconsiderate cut in front of you while you're waiting in a very long line with your screaming kids.

**UPDATE** It was a ridiculously long line - thankfully we were in a car with plenty of gas and heat.  The inconsiderate person ended up leaving the line and by the time we went through the light show, I was asleep.  I didn't wake up until we pulled into our driveway.

The Non-Post

I haven't added a meaningful (my definition 'cuz it's MY site) post in a long time.  It's not that there is nothing going on and it's not that life has been so idyllic that I have no topics to talk about.  Instead, it's just that I don't feel like sharing.  So, I guess this is another non-meaningful post.

Working on Happy

I think it's time to readjust my life. Small changes that will have a big impact.

Not Rare, Not Medium, but WELL DONE

Sometimes I look at my life and I marvel at all the blessings, but there are days when I wonder how in the hell I got here.  How is it that all the individual choices I made - most of them small - got me here.

Yesterday I learned that the puppy we adopted has some sort of parasite - one that is common to animal shelters - and it's transferable to other pets and humans.  I spent the next half hour on the phone making arrangements to bring the cats in for check ups, picked up a pizza and dropped it off, called the cat vet and asked them to fax over their health records to the puppy's vet (and the vet that was going to see the cats today), called the puppy vet to confirm that the cat vet would be faxing paperwork, and went to the grocery store to pick up crackers and ginger ale.  Nevermind that I was still sick with a cold that I had been fighting.

Today, after putting in a loooong day at work where I made decisions, took the blame for some things, and listened to people complain, bitch, and moan,  I came home to a very loud house.  One where 2 animals were chasing each other around the house, the lights on every room were on, one child was arguing with the grown up, and the other child was crying about how he got reprimanded for talking back.  I swear I was going to leave and never come back the moment I put the key into the door.  I marvel how I got here in the first place.  How is it that some small decisions have made my life this way?  * sigh *  I can hear the adult human yelling about something in the basement.  Sometimes I'm thinking that I'm done.  I'm just DONE.

 

2012 Could Be a Year for Opportunities

For some reason I feel as though next year could be a year of opportunities for me.  A little birdie told me that was true.  And, although there are always opportunities - you just need to open your heart and mind - I feel as though next year may have even more than usual in store for me.  I am excited for the coming year!

Sick and Tired and Annoyed

Ugh! I knew that this day would come - I am sick. I am sick, sick, sick. Okay, I was sick last Wednesday and throughout the Thanksgiving holiday. I think it may be part a cold that I have been fighting and part my exhausted self. I feel as though I am on a treadmill that someone keeps turning up the speed. I desparately want to just get off of the thing, but the reality is that I cannot. Nobody can get off and the best that I can do is to try to slow things down. I go through this every year it seems and it seems that I just learn to live the with speed of life. But, I am starting to realize that I cannot go on this way and something has to give. I need to learn to adjust my expectations, adjust my pace, and readjust my priorites.

Keeping Busy to Avoid the Blues

I love, LOVE Halloween, but really don't like Thanksgiving.  For me it's like the black jellybean in my Easter basket and I'm not exactly sure why, but Thanksgiving always seemed like a rather bleak holiday for me.  Maybe because the big attraction is eating.  There are no festive lights or gifts or funny costumes - it's all about eating and, of course, giving thanks.  But, mostly it's about eating and getting ready for Christmas.  It's almost like a trivial holiday since people tend to overlook it for what has become the big commercial holiday that is now Christmas.  I've heard nothing but commercials about how retailers will be open the night of Thanksgiving so people "won't have to wait in line for holiday deals."  Seriously, it is what this holiday has become; a stop-over for Christmas.

Humbug - party of one.

But, this post isn't about how I dislike Thanksgiving.  It's about how this holiday just makes me, well, sad.  I have come to  realize that the best way to combat my sadness is to do SOMEthing; keep busy.  Standing still is not a good option for me when I'm sad.  So, today I kept busy after spendng most of yesterday cooking, hanging out with the boys, and doing pretty much nothing.  I'm so BAD at doing nothing.  After sending the boys off to see their father's parents, I sat and watched a movie and then felt the sadness creep in.  I spent the next 3 hours picking up allergy medicine, going to Starbucks, buying a pet bed for the new member our of family.  It's hard to be sad when there's a cute new member of our family.

And then - THEN - I spent an hour raking leaves.  Seriously - I raked leaves all by myself.  I cleared the front yard because I got sick of looking at them.  I realized that they would not get raked themselves,  And, if I am going to have to live in this house that really should be a townhouse or a condo and if I am going to pay property taxes, I should rake the f@$%ing leaves.  After all, I did pay for the sod that lies underneath and the lawn service that fertilizes the soda that lies underneath.  And, while there is no snow on the ground, I'd like to actually SEE the lawn. 

So, I raked for a little over an hour and while I cursed the person who should have raked the leaves in the first place.  When the leaves were raked and I could see the lawn, a great feeling of satisfaction came to me.  I didn't care who should have or didn't or couldn't rake the leaves - I did it and it felt so good to have accomplished something.  On the plus side, I didn't feel so sad anymore.

Good Bye....Hello

Today was another very hard day, but this time emotionally.  After 17 years, I had to put my cat, Madison, to sleep.  It was the best thing to do since she had lost a lot of weight due to infected teeth and kidney disease.  Although I would have loved to have kept her alive, it would have been selfish and cruel.  She was in pain and had a hard time walking, eating, or drinking.  I have never had to put a pet to sleep.  I've had to make the decision, but never had to actually sit with my pet and hold him/her while it was being done.  That all changed today.

David offered to take Madison to the vet but she was my cat - my friend - and I wanted to be the one to say goodbye.  I put her on the table and pet her head and scratched behind her ears.  They put the needle in her vein and she went to sleep.  The doctor had to stay to make sure that her heart was no longer beating and when it was over, he asked if I needed him to stay with me while I said good bye. I said no and sat with my friend and sobbed.  It was so quiet in the room at that moment; I swear I could hear my heart breaking.  But, it was the best thing to do for Madison.  She was really sick.

I came home to an empty house because the boys were at a friend's birthday party.  When they got home I had to explain that Madison had gone to heaven to be with Wolfgang.  They both started to cry, but the older one understood that Madison was too sick to keep living.  The whole experience was exhausting and I had to lie down and take a nap.  Seriously, I was tired!  But, after an hour the oldest came to me and said, "Mommy, we need a new grey kitty."  The house seemed so empty and although I wasn't looking for a replacement for Madison, I did want to get my mind off of the sickness and unhappiness.

I decided that we should go down to the PAWS Animal Shelter and just take a look at the animals.  I thought it would get us all out of the house and cheer us up.  We ended up looking at the dogs and ended up adopting a beautiful 6 month old pointer puppy.  His name was Bernard, but the boys quickly renamed him Redmond.  I'm still very sad and I really miss Madison, but I am trying to put on a happy face for the boys because they love Redmond - Red - very much and they want me so badly to be happy.

 

A Very Long Week

It's been another very long week and I am glad that it's over. There have been too many things that have happened. Some good, some bad, and some to emotionally challenging that it would be too much to relive. But, here i am again at the end of the week - in one piece and very tired. I am just thankful that it's a weekend.

Not Entirely Sure

This week has been very, VERY challenging - professionally as well as personally.  I'd rather write about the professional because, well, I don't really want to share the personal.  So work has been challenging this past week because of the demands of the users I support.  I will freely admit that some of the pressure that I feel is self-imposed.  I'm a perfectionist and I have high standards - I don't like falling short of the demands that I put upon myself.  If someone lets me down, I can get over it although I will be a little pissy.  However, if I let myself down, I don't easily forgive.

All that being said, I have been dealing with mulitple issues on multiple computer applications all week.  There have been security issues and testing issues and resource issues.  All 3 usually exist on any normal week, but for some reason, they have been especially bad this week.  And, when one issue seemed to be resolved, another would take its place - kind of like the "Wach-A-Mole" game.  It has been a very challenging and humbling week.

I have learned a great deal from this week.  I have learned that I really do like my job and I really do like the people I work with.  I've learned that I have limits and in some cases I know more than I thought.  I've realized that by having a  simple conversation with someone about how their week-long leadership training class went that I'm not as sucky as I thought.  I've also realized that in that same conversation, the person I was talking to is very wise and dependable.  I have come to realize that I am stronger and I am also wiser than I thought.  I don't always make mistakes and I'm not always cleaning up messes for others.  There is always  give and take and just when I think I'm giving more than I should, I am on the taking side.

On the way home from this very, VERY trying week, a sense of quiet came over me.  Normally, a week like this would send me into a fit of tears especially since I have hours of work ahead of me before the weekend is over.  But, I just felt *nothing* - no tears welling up, no anger bubbling up, just *nothing*.  It was a very strange feeling - or lack of feeling.   For the first time, my head was clear.  I'm tired but I'm not exhausted.  I am hoping that it is a new found wisdom and that I will not have some sort of backlash.  I'm hopeful, but I'm not entirely sure.

Tooth Fairy Miscommunication

My youngest lost another tooth - DAYS ago, but someone forgot to tell me. That would be the boys father. Some of you may ask: why didn't I notice? I didn't notice because I am a bad mother. Actually, I am not. I kiss and hug my youngest all the time, but the past day or so he's either had his thumb in his mouth or food or his mouth isn't open.

So the tooth fairy hasn't visited yet because she (i.e., I) didn't hear about it until this evening. According to my youngest son, there has been "some sorta miscommunication."

Sadly, I was Right

I took a new position at work in June of this year.  I think that the AVP in our department can sense when I've "had it" and then moves me to a new role.  It's worked brilliantly and I love her for it - AND it's kept me around for almost 4 years.  The new role I am in is one that I really like, however, there are bits and pieces that I'm not in love with.  One of them would be managing change orders - orders that are put in that move code or create security in the production (i.g., real, live) environment.  This would be the environment where people actually use the applications to run the day to day business of the company I work for.

I am working with a particularly difficult developer and he did something not on board, so I did what I was supposed to do.  I canceled the change orders to move his code to production.  And, I did it the way I was supposed to.  I emailed the administrator who handles the change orders since I, myself, cannot cancel these orders.  I had a feeling that I should probably mail those that were implementing the code, but thought that the change orders would be canceled and everyone would see that they would not be implementing the code.  After all this is the way that the process is supposed to work.

Turns out that my hunch was right.  I hate that I was right that people wouldn't do their jobs correctly.  I hate that in the pit of my stomach, I second guessed myself.  And, I hate that I even care on a Sunday night when I am supposed to be enjoying my weekend.  There is nothing I can do about it, but it means more work for me tomorrow.  I don't like being right in this instance.

Like it or Lump It

Little boys are pretty demanding - at least MINE are.  They seem to keep their father running from one task to another.  This evening, the boys found battery powered Christmas lights in the basement.  The insisted on having their father create a traffic light with them.  He surprisingly pulled it off to their satisfaction making a traffic light using the Christmas lights and an empty box of Splenda.  Think a group of 4 lights (one color each: red, yellow, and green) grouped on 3 sides of the box.  It was pretty creative.

After playing with it for a litte while, the boys decided that they wanted another string of Christmas lights to put on their train tracks.  David went downstairs to get them but when he came back, the youngest son looked dejected.  "Like it or lump it!" was David's response which caused a string of laughter.  The boys have been cracking themselves up screaming "Like it or lump it" for the past 15 minutes.  This brings new meaning to that saying for me.

Small World

About a year ago I was on the train. It was a particularly bad day and I had stopped for drinks with coworkers. And I was upset about something very personal that I won't go into here. Suffice it to say that I was NOT happy.

So, add a bad day to an unhappy state plus some alcohol and put a phone in my hand and, well, it gets messy. I was in the vestibule talking to one of my friends sobbing. The conductor and another person were in the vestibule wile I was quietly sobbing on the phone. That was a year ago.

This evening, I got on the train and ran into the other person in the vestibule that night. She stopped me and recalled that night. She said she always wondered how I was and wished that I was okay. Oddly enough, it was pretty comforting to know that someone was thinking of me. I let her know that, yes, I was fine and thank you for asking. Sometimes the kindness of strangers is amazing. This person actually restored some of my faith in humanity.

It Didn't Get Better

You know that it can't be a good day when you pee your pants.  No, I did not suddenly become incontinent.  There were no toilet seat covers in the women's bathroom today and so I do what I normally do - hover.  But, the seat wasn't aligned and neither was I so there was "dribbling" on to my pants.  It wasn' a pretty day and it didn't seem to get better after that.  Nothing in particular was especially jarring.  I just think I wasn't quite prepared for today. TMI I know!