Chicago Chick

Wrung Out

It's 12:30 in the morning and I'm feeling so incredibly stressed out.  I have been trying to get the oldest one down for bed since 7:30 this evening and for some reason he is just been nothing but a whining, crying, annoying little article.  I even tried to snuggle with him in bed so that he would fall asleep, but nothing has worked.  Instead he has succeeded in making me a stressed out, wrung out, guilty mess.  So much so that I just got up and walked away from him which caused him to cry these heart-wrenching sobs.

But, what am I supposed to do?  There are things that I needed to get done this evening like pay bills and stress out over the fact that school is coming up and tuition needs to be paid.  Seriously, how is it that you can live on a single income; put a roof over your family's head; put food on the table; educate your kids; and have a little left over?  The paycheck that I earn is nothing to sneeze at but I am starting to worry especially since school is starting.  The craziness that goes on with my company continues and doesn't alleviate any of the stress.

I'm worried that something will give and it will be my sanity.  There's still the stress of the impending test and I think I'm harboring some resentment that I had to pay for the training class that, in reality, my company should reimburse me for.  Seriously, the $3,000.00 cost of the class made a sizable dent in our savings account.  Add to that the cost of taking the exam and the professional fees for the organization that the certification belongs to and you have a sizable chunk of change.

There are other, more personal, issues that are weighing on my mind that I don't care to discuss.  But, all of it together is making for a sleepless night and honestly I feel as though I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack.  I don't dare have one because that would probably mean hospital bills that would need to be paid.  I'm being funny about the hospital bills, but it isn't far from the truth.  I'm worried that one more thing will cause me to seek some sort of irresponsible escape.

Stupid Girl

I took a practice exam and sat through 200 questions of the most boring crap.  And, the end result?  I got a 58% percent.  Yes, that's right - I did a little better than if I just randomly guessed.  So, this morning I am hyperventilating and ready to cry.  I'm ready to cry because I spent $3,000.00 of my family's savings on a class and I am nowhere NEAR ready to take this freakin' exam.

Yeah, I know that eventually I will get there and it will take a little study time on my part, but exactly WHEN am I going to find time to study?  I will have to clear time on my already crammed schedule and I will have to let David know that I will need to study.  For how long exactly?  I'm not sure.  I just have to study and take another practice exam or two to figure out when I'm ready.

I hate this mainly because I'm not used to having academic crap NOT come so easily to me.  Yeah, yeah I probably have "Mommy Brain" but honestly being "smart" was something that seemed to come so easily to me.  It was one of my better traits - I wasn't the "cute" one or the "funny" one, but I was the "smart" one.  I am sure that I'm just being ridiculous, right?  Right?  I'm just being ridiculous?  Ugh - what if my brain HAS gone to mush!?!

That song, "Stupid Girl" by Garbage is now looping over and over in my head.  I think I just need to get up and walk away.  I swear if I continue on like this, I am going to find a nice comfortable spot in the nearest loony bin!

Getting Back on the Treadmill is NOT So Easy

I've been really good with making it to the gym since I've joined a group of women who meet to walk on treadmills 3 times a week.  And, I've met with a nutritionist who told me to (big surprise) write down what I eat and to eat small meals every 3 to 4 hours a day.

So far I have lost bubkus, zero, zilch, nada - but I didn't expect to lose any weight.  Instead, I was hoping that the past 2 weeks (now starting the official 2 weeks) would bring more discipline to my schedule.  And, it has.

David has been wonderful about hanging out with the boys until I get back from the gym and he has been supportive about my 5:00 am personal training session once a week.  I am starting to feel a little pressure in that if I don't lose any weight, it will be all for nothing.  I'd say that in itself is pretty good motivation to keep going.

This past weekend I ran into one of my former co-workers and friend, Mama Eye, and after 15 years and a baby she still looks terrific.  Seriously, Mama Eye - you do.  And, she was nice enough to tell me that I just looked a little pudgy which is ridiculous because in the past 15 years, I have become F-A-T.  It is my own doing - I haven't taken care of myself and I haven't eaten right and as a parent I need to be better at that because kids learn from watching and not necessarily from nagging.  But, my Mama Eye, she's so sweet that she didn't point this out - thank you for that.

Getting back on the treadmill has not been so easy for me and even though the scales don't show a dramatic weight loss, I realize that this will take time.  In the end, getting back on the treadmill isn't about losing weight anymore, but it is about making a change in the way that I live the rest of my life.